She did it AGAIN!! And here we go AGAIN! Merry-go-round. see this text..

[Mack05]

I'm envious of where you are at in your life and the progress you've made..

 

You have made progress, but soon you have to take the next step ABL. I can tell you how I am progressing. By allowing my logic to overpower my emotion. This has been a WAR and it aint over yet. My logic knows we don't belong together the way she is now. My logic tells me she will never become self aware and if she does, how on earth can I trust her?. My emotions just want her and me to be happy together. It doesn't matter whats wrong or right with her, she is still and always will be amazing to me. She is just not right for me and me for her.

 

With time I have amazing clarity with what happened in my last R's and why they couldn't have worked. I don't like to use the term borderline personality disorder as I have no right to label, I prefer to say they were emotionally immature. My last two ex's have told me no one has ever made then this 'angry'.

 

From my prespective in my last R (and the one before that), I was concerned about some weird and irrational behaviours I noticed early doors, which I had never encountered before. I realised pretty quick where these behaviours/traits originated from (troubled childhood). I wanted my ex(s) to turn things inwards, because it is my opinion (and many many experts) you can't be happy until you resolve the unresolved issues/demons/emotions from the past. Also both my last ex's had atrocious communication skills, which seems to go hand and hand with emotional immaturity.

 

Over the past year, I have become more and more self aware. I can acknowledge my faults and I have a fair idea what I need to do to go about resolving them (which must happen outside of a relationship). I knew once I confronted and dealt with my problems that my last relationships would still have failed, because of my ex's inbility to acknowledge their faults and to confront their demons.

 

From her prespective making her go somewhere she didn't want to go (i.e to turn things inwards) is theeee worst thing I could have ever done. From their past there is shame, sadness, hurt, loss and many other emotions I can't even imagine to understand/comprehend. Any kind of constructive criticism is a total no no and when I communicated as badly as I did. KABOOM!!

 

They want a guy who doesn't force them to look inwards to the dark side of their personalities, which they have buried as deep as they can. They want a guy who thinks they are perfect, admires them and fully accepts them for who they are. Who is there for them 24/7 365 and who provides the least amount of hassle possible. No huge highs, no big lows. Who doesn't mention things that they don't want to discuss. I believe they are guys like that out there for them. Who will just tolerate the irrational behaviours. Who will literally place them on a pedastal and keep them there (like I was doing at the start).

 

But guys like this most be deeply unhappy within themselves and desperate for love, to be willing to do this sacrifice long term. I have noticed emotionally immature women are very selfish within a relationship. Even if he is the perfect guy, the unresolved stuff from her past will eventually badly effect the relationship in the future. Just a matter of when..Healthy relationships are a 50/50 partnership that require so many attributes to be successful. Not a 80-20 split, pushing certain issues under a rug. Relationships like this can't prosper long term.

 

My ex's are blind. They truly believe that they are happy. They have learnt to survive on their own, which is pretty remarkable considering where they came from. They are proud of their achievements and rightly so. Because they are convinced they are happy, when you make them unhappy then the problem is you. That comes from their black and white thinking and an inability to 'think outside the box'. I have seen from my parents what it takes to make a relationship work. My ex has no such blueprint on how to healthly interact within a relationship. I know once I get emotionally healthy, that I will be part of a special relationship. I am putting the hard work in now, so that will pay off later. My ex is too busy being angry at me, blaming me and hoping prince charming comes along.

 

This is where the incompatibility comes from. I believe she needs to turn this inwards, to accept what her issues are and to fully resolve them to be truly happy. She wants someone to accept her for who she is, to put the bad stuff to one side and move on with her life. Oil and water..

 

Both my last ex's saw a lot of good things in me at the beginning of the relationship, but the more I forced them to look inwards, the angier they got and the more I pushed them further and further away. The endings were VERY similar. They both went to Therapy. Told the Therapists how angry I made them. They would have probably listed my faults with a little distorting and embellishing. The therapist then seemed to say "if he makes you this angry then he is not right for you". I do wonder about some Therapists, I really do.

 

Eventually they dumped me in a cold cruel way saying "I wasn't the guy I claimed to be" which isn't true. Its their 'perception' of me that changed due to their 'splitting'. When they dump us coldly, they do this to help with their coping. They use the anger they have against us, to help them move on until they become 'indifferent'..They are not thinking to themselves "he is forcing me to go somewhere I don't want to go". They are thinking "he is insecure, he is codepedent, he is the devil etc etc". When they get to 'indifference' they kid themselves "I must be emotionally healthy, because I left this toxic relationship".

 

What they don't realise is, if I didn't force them to look inwards, they wouldn't have left. Well at least not for awhile. They don't understand why most relationships they end up in, are either unhealthy or toxic after such a promising start.

 

I came to these conclusions ABL by looking at my relationship as a whole from "outside the box". This is what you need to do. To step away from the emotion of it all and look at the harsh facts. Once you make sense of it all, this will help you gain acceptance. Once you have acceptance then you can truly start to turn this inwards and focus on your issues..On becoming self aware. When you put the hard work in and see the results then you will notice you attract a far more healtier kind of woman..I wish you well mate..

Edited March 29, 2012 by Mack05

[a_bit_lost]

I'm feeling especially broken today, literately lying on my bed clinging for something, WAITING for something, but what..?! I'm hungover badly was out in the city bars last night - thankfully didn't see her but I did indeed see her new 'host' out interestingly he was with his friends as opposed to be cozyed up with her.. Interesting.. I know i shouldnt care. Just hungover to the hilt and VERY emotional today. The new host looked at me, I think he knows who I am.

 

Oh and it's now been just over two weeks that she hasnt contacted me for one reason or another... Just about the longest time in this on off situation for the past 1.5years she hasn't done anything.

Edited April 1, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[Livin Lrge]

I'm feeling especially broken today, literately lying on my bed clinging for something, WAITING for something, but what..?! I'm hungover badly was out in the city bars last night - thankfully didn't see her but I did indeed see her new 'host' out interestingly he was with his friends as opposed to be cozyed up with her.. Interesting.. I know i shouldnt care. Just hungover to the hilt and VERY emotional today. The new host looked at me, I think he knows who I am.

 

Oh and it's now been just over two weeks that she hasnt contacted me for one reason or another... Just about the longest time in this on off situation for the past 1.5years she hasn't done anything.

 

 

Hang in there Mate,

You don't want her to call you....

 

I had a major set back..... my ex's mother died three days ago and she contacted me to tell me I've tried to be there for her for the past three days but she just keeps me at a distance and she also tells me she loves me and all that bull**** but she chooses friends over me to help her. I've made the choice to cut contact again for good.. nothing will ever change between us we cant even talk with out getting up set at each other....

I wish her well but She is not in love with me anymore as much as she says she is her actions dont speak those words....

Time to man up again and take control of my life...

 

 

ABL I find not drinking to much helps as there isn't a big crash the next day when keeping drinking light...

I hate those crashes...

LL

[a_bit_lost]

thanks livin large - it is as you describe a crash, thats how it felt - i feel better today was very hungover and some more yesterday.

 

you poor chap - having to be put back into that situation because of her mother.. that would makes things difficult - sounds like you handled it right.

[Livin Lrge]

How's things going ABL...

Whats the latest...

[Downtown]

I also would welcome an update, ABL -- and from you too, LL. How are you two guys doing this week?

[Livin Lrge]

I also would welcome an update, ABL -- and from you too, LL. How are you two guys doing this week?

 

Hi Downtown,

A few things have happened in the last two weeks.

With the Ex's mum passing away I was in contact for a few days and on my Birthday I received a call which I answered....

With out going into a lot of detail about the events that transpired. The Ex's true colors have painted a master piece.

I will never ever take her back even if she came begging, I'm still very much attracted to her but I dont think I love her anymore.

This girl is very messed up with her mothers passing and I dont think I could ever trust her or have any confidence in what she says and does....

She has turned very nasty and bitter....

This girl is not my problem anymore....

my problem is getting my self confidence back ASAP.

I'm doing this by working out a lot and hanging with friends...

The problem that i've found is my attachment hunger was so intense that I kept trying to justify all the wrong things she ever did to me and right them off for one reason or the other.... The truth is the line in the sand kept getting further away each time we fought.... Don't get me wrong, I always stood my ground but I wouldn't hold it long enough.

Im reading a book called "How to Break Your Addiction To A Person"

Really good insight on how and why you have stayed in a toxic relationship and what to do about it....

There is still a long road to walk but i'm on a scooter now and waiting to jump in a car than a plane and then I'm home sweet home....

Time is what it's about and No Contact........... The only way to heal....

Plus exercise for those endorphins hits...

LL

[a_bit_lost]

I'll be honest - I've tried to distance myself from everything, this included - But I own you guys a lot for the continued support...

 

Im feeling good/ok - up/down I guess - I'm OKAY... I've heard nothing for WEEKS, maybe three weeks, perhaps 4 this friday I havent seen her or heard from her (thats long for this situation), I haven't done any stalking, I've been out and about on the town and haven't bumped into her - although I have expected to bump into her, its not a huge city and theres only so many bars.

 

I have nothing to report other than I am trying to look after myself and I guess trying to move on - Far as I know she's with her new host now and has been spotted a couple of times with the host, not a hugely romantic manor, more so walking with the host as opposed to being hand in hand... ah whatever.

 

I'm slowly numbing to it now and removing myself from things - just doing what I can do in my life, you know what I mean guys, i'm dragging my heels a little - but hey.. i'm getting there.

 

Thanks for the requests for an update, I owe you guys a lot - I do feel that I have made mountains of progress, I also feel that if I see her it will give me a blip in my recovery. I now WANT to be able to see her (when ever that is in the future) and NOT care... I'm working towards that goal.

Edited April 12, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[Downtown]

Thanks for the updates, ABL and LL. Sounds like both of you are making continued progress. ABL, with regard to your distancing yourself from this forum, please do not feel a need to hang around for our benefit. Instead, do whatever you feel best supports your healing process. If you feel the need to take a break, we will still be here if you want to come back.

 

Remember, you've already done enormous good by sharing your experiences with us and with the thousands of lurkers (your thread's hit count already exceeds 8,500). I mention this so you know that your participation here on LS has been a win-win for all of us, so there is no debt for you to repay.

[macardent]

I went through kinda similar thing with my ex. Though I am not successful as you are I am only 22 but for her I was the best she ever had. And I learned a lot from this thread, though its a bit late the only thing she was looking for was ego and a man who would boost her self esteem up and I was just right for that. I wouldn't brag about it but all of my friends told me that I could do so much better than her when we were together, as I have dated a lot like 10/10 girls in my past and she was just 5 I guess, but I loved the personality. After reading this thread I realized that yes she was trying to mirror me, doing whatever I do, trying to connect with that emotional side of me. I gave her so many chances to leave me, I even asked her to take a break and figure out what she wants but I guess she just wanted a man like me to boost her self esteem up so she could go back and find someone else. It hurts like a bitch that I was used and I didn't I was being used. I treated her like a queen but I guess she was happy being a slut in the clubs. Ahh what can I say I am glad that its over. Somewhat. Like bob dylan said, "there aint no use in turning on your lights babe, I'm on the dark side of the road. But I wish there was somethin' you would do or say. To try and make me change my mind and stay, but we never did too much talking anyway. So don't think twich its alright!"

[a_bit_lost]

Well I've been doing ok guys.. Been getting on with my own things and just I suppose trying to get on. I would he said last week I was 80% getting over it.

 

I saw her last Saturday night in a club, I knew at some point it would happen, I'm always out and about at weekends. She was with her new host. As said I knew this would happen and have been making serious effort when going out on the town to look good - I was in a new grey suit looking amazing and I felt great! I walked past her in the club she was staring at me and I walked past, I had a small content grin on my face, her host was completely pulling an angry face at me and as I walked past I patted him on the back and said hi mate!! It felt great!!!

 

Until today - I inadvertently looked around on Facebook, not directly at her profile, ive blocked her - but I saw on anothe persons wall that she's entered the yearly model contest and as a lot of other young women in the kcal area has a 'like' page for users to vote, which if they get enough they make it to the local glam calendar - something shes been a groupies for for years as you'll read back through this.. It brought me out in an instant sweat when I saw this a moment ago, that shes doing this and ultimately given she's friends with the organiser she'll make it and for the next year I'll be plaged with seeing her sprawled in a bra and pants across the towns billboards and busses... I feel sick to the stomach - why I don't know, she has nothing to do with me and I've had zero interaction with her for around 2months.

 

I was doing well and this information has made me feel sick that's shes in bra and pants sprawled all over Facebook and the Internet to gain votes for this.

 

I didnt click on the like page for her, I was one click away from seeing her (and everyone else) in provocative underwear photos - that would hurt me. Just seeing her name hurt. I can't begin to imagine the amount of attention this child is getting at the moment.

 

What do i do to get away from this.. I feel like I'm going to be plaged with her name and imagery for a year.

 

Realistically I'm dj'ing at a new bar and my name too does the rounds that I dj there - but nothing on this level.

[Downtown]

I would have said last week I was 80% getting over it.

Like I said, your healing process will not be linear. No matter how well you do, there will still be those days where you feel like you are back at step 1. But such days will get farther and farther apart.

I'll be plagued with seeing her sprawled in a bra and pants across the towns billboards and buses... I feel sick to the stomach - why I don't know.

Actually, you know very well why. It's your codependence that is dogging you. Because your personal boundaries and self esteem are too low, you rely far too heavily on other people -- HER, at the moment -- to define your self worth. But you that. Indeed, you knew this a month ago. And you knew it two months ago when you broke up with her. This codependency -- which I also have to fight -- is what you are working on.

Realistically I'm dj'ing at a new bar and my name too does the rounds that I dj there - but nothing on this level [of fame and recognition].

Realistically, ABL, you mean to say you are comparing your fame to that of a woman who -- in your own estimation -- is a BPDer and thus has the emotional development of a four year old? Why would you even care? Again, the question is rhetorical because you already know the answer.

 

BPD is a painful disorder I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. BPDers suffer on a nearly 24/7 basis, primarily from their own self loathing and inability to attach to others. Hence, if your Ex gets a little relief from all that suffering by appearing on billboards for a year, you should not want to take that solace away from her. It is poor consolation for what she is having to deal with in her entire life. But, then, you already knew that too.

[a_bit_lost]

Thanks Downtown. I'm a bit better today.

 

In the last two months i've improved no end - I've felt sometimes i've been giving off a different vibe, women have approached me and all sorts.. Nothing I want to pursuit unfortunately.. Last week I thought I was almost there.. The sighting of her in the club boosted my confidence, I felt a million dollars when I walked past her.

 

Until now of course - A big part is jealously I think.

 

I can systematically say that No Contact has played a huge part - Not knowing her life or seeing her or anything has really helped, I cant remember the saying but something like being nieve is bliss. Until of course last night doing a bit of unintentional digging to find that she had finally entered this slutty thing... As said shes always been a groupie to this collective and in past years has taken part in the 'lets lounge around all over cars' events they do - but looks as though she's built the courage to enter herself as a bonafide girl. You've got it Downtown, she'd most likely be one of 12 slutty provocatively dressed mentally aged 4 year old child on billboards and public transport around the city.

 

This collective is nothing but an excuse for the local young women in this area to dress in provocative underwear and ridicule them for self esteem and confidence boosts - narcissistic and BPD'ers alike are atttracted in droves, i've seen it in previous years. I feel sorry to a degree for the new host who will have to put up with all this flirtatious behaviour whilst she's part of this collective in the fullness.

 

Was a bit of a hit to see this listed on facebook - her name listed there in a 'Like' page, instant sweat, I didnt click it guys as i'd be inundated with underwear pictures of her - makes me sick to think that everyone can look at that (I was with this girl!!), was a similar feeling to that when my friend informed me that he saw her 5weeks ago hand in hand with another guy, healing isn't linear you're right. I've taken the liberty of blocking and removing most of the residual friends on there (mostly women) that are part of this collective.

Edited April 27, 2012 by a_bit_lost

[Mack05]

ABL I don't really post anymore on this site anymore (except for your thread, which is my fav on LS). Myself and especially Downtown can relate to you because we have been there. Codepedent insecure guys, who end up with messed up women. I had two in a row and I am so angry at myself this week for not learning lessons. I was researching yesterday on codepedency and I saw an article which said that 1 in 3 (yes one in 3) of people have physcopathic tendencies. Codependent people are attracted to these types like magnets!

 

So does that mean we are nuts to be with them? Honestly, I don't know. What I do know is codependency is a horrible thing to suffer from and an endless daily struggle to deal with. How long it takes to resolve? I wish someone would tell me. My therapist has been a HUGE help, but has told me codependency is very complex and it's a journey I need to complete on my own. I have stated numerous times about not posting on LS, yet I can't resist the urge to 'help'. I hope my codependency changes in the future. It has to. Otherwise my life is ****ed.

 

Codepedent people have MAJOR insecurity issues. They tend to have low self esteem and low self belief. BPD suffers are the complete opposite. They have incredible self belief. In their minds they have turned their lives around and are enormously proud of that fact. It is false though. They turned their lives around by running and avoiding not confronting and resolving their issues. This is why they suffer from BPD. The more you run, avoid, deny and blame, the worse BPD gets.

 

My therapist whose reading of people is quite amazing, really helped me in my recovery by saying something like this to me. "BPD sufferers are not necessarily bad people. They have many great qualities which attracted you in the first place. At the start of the relationship everything seems great. Eventually something doesn't feel right. The problem is their view of the world". The example she gave me is this. "Your ex sees the world as flat. Now you know it's round. You have evidence backed up by many that it's round. You make your case clearly that the world is round. It doesn't matter. In her mind the world is flat. U can show her a million pictures, you can have a million people tell her the world is round, she will not be budged. NEVER. She is so sure in herself, she will convince you the world is flat. Because of your lack of self belief you will believe she is right. That is until you reflect and then realise that the world is indeed round and then you go back for more". My therapist then said that is why you are here.."Why did you have such low self worth, that you would let someone convince you something is right, when it is so clearly wrong and then keep going back for more...". I spent way to long looking for the clown and getting smacked in the face repeatedly.

 

It took some truly horrific behaviour from my ex and then projecting her horrible behaviour onto me, to snap me out of the trance she had me in. Up until then, it was a constant battle of logic over emotion. I knew my ex would never be the type of girl to stick with me if I ever had an accident and I had to rely on her. I knew she was never the type of woman to appreciate me and all I would have done for her. That would respect and admire me. Like your ex she would just take and take and eventually leave you on the scrapheap broken. Like locusts in a field when they have consumed everything and then move onto the next field. Just ask Downtown, who is a hero to me. Who has saved me years worth of grief. Who has shown enormous courage and class in his own recovery.

 

Yet I felt compelled to keep trying with my last two ex's. Compelled to try 'open their eyes' to 'help' them, even though I was as messed up as they were. Honestly you need to resolve your codependency issues. Just like I do. If you don't you will keep attracting messed up girls like your ex. She will NEVER change. She will always see the world as flat. She will never be a honest, trustworthy, reliable, loving, giving partner. She has probably taken the same negative traits as her parents, without even realising it. Why they believe the apple has fallen along way from the tree will always be a mystery to me. ABL read my last post in this thread. It explains the complex bond between the two of you and why its so unhealthy -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/321420-heartbroken-after-falling-love-someone-bipolar-2.html

 

When you resolve your codependency you will view your ex in a totally different light. I got another bout of projecting verbal abuse lately. I fell around the place laughing. It was my EUREKA moment. Great I am over her, but if I don't solve my codependency I will spend the rest of my life in messed up relationships. Offering LS users advice on what not to do, even though I am making the same mistakes as they are. There is a word for that...Hyprocrite. I am with you bro on your journey. So is Downtown. Self awareness is a good start. Up to us to finish the rest, no matter how long it takes..

 

http://gettinbetter.com/key.html

Edited April 27, 2012 by Mack05

[macardent]

ABL I don't really post anymore on this site anymore (except for your thread, which is my fav on LS). Myself and especially Downtown can relate to you because we have been there. Codepedent insecure guys, who end up with messed up women. I had two in a row and I am so angry at myself this week for not learning lessons. I was researching yesterday on codepedency and I saw an article which said that 1 in 3 (yes one in 3) of people have physcopathic tendencies. Codependent people are attracted to these types like magnets!

 

So does that mean we are nuts to be with them? Honestly, I don't know. What I do know is codependency is a horrible thing to suffer from and an endless daily struggle to deal with. How long it takes to resolve? I wish someone would tell me. My therapist has been a HUGE help, but has told me codependency is very complex and it's a journey I need to complete on my own. I have stated numerous times about not posting on LS, yet I can't resist the urge to 'help'. I hope my codependency changes in the future. It has to. Otherwise my life is ****ed.

 

Codepedent people have MAJOR insecurity issues. They tend to have low self esteem and low self belief. BPD suffers are the complete opposite. They have incredible self belief. In their minds they have turned their lives around and are enormously proud of that fact. It is false though. They turned their lives around by running and avoiding not confronting and resolving their issues. This is why they suffer from BPD. The more you run, avoid, deny and blame, the worse BPD gets.

 

My therapist whose reading of people is quite amazing, really helped me in my recovery by saying something like this to me. "BPD sufferers are not necessarily bad people. They have many great qualities which attracted you in the first place. At the start of the relationship everything seems great. Eventually something doesn't feel right. The problem is their view of the world". The example she gave me is this. "Your ex sees the world as flat. Now you know it's round. You have evidence backed up by many that it's round. You make your case clearly that the world is round. It doesn't matter. In her mind the world is flat. U can show her a million pictures, you can have a million people tell her the world is round, she will not be budged. NEVER. She is so sure in herself, she will convince you the world is flat. Because of your lack of self belief you will believe she is right. That is until you reflect and then realise that the world is indeed round and then you go back for more". My therapist then said that is why you are here.."Why did you have such low self worth, that you would let someone convince you something is right, when it is so clearly wrong and then keep going back for more...". I spent way to long looking for the clown and getting smacked in the face repeatedly.

 

It took some truly horrific behaviour from my ex and then projecting her horrible behaviour onto me, to snap me out of the trance she had me in. Up until then, it was a constant battle of logic over emotion. I knew my ex would never be the type of girl to stick with me if I ever had an accident and I had to rely on her. I knew she was never the type of woman to appreciate me and all I would have done for her. That would respect and admire me. Like your ex she would just take and take and eventually leave you on the scrapheap broken. Like locusts in a field when they have consumed everything and then move onto the next field. Just ask Downtown, who is a hero to me. Who has saved me years worth of grief. Who has shown enormous courage and class in his own recovery.

 

Yet I felt compelled to keep trying with my last two ex's. Compelled to try 'open their eyes' to 'help' them, even though I was as messed up as they were. Honestly you need to resolve your codependency issues. Just like I do. If you don't you will keep attracting messed up girls like your ex. She will NEVER change. She will always see the world as flat. She will never be a honest, trustworthy, reliable, loving, giving partner. She has probably taken the same negative traits as her parents, without even realising it. Why they believe the apple has fallen along way from the tree will always be a mystery to me. ABL read my last post in this thread. It explains the complex bond between the two of you and why its so unhealthy -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/321420-heartbroken-after-falling-love-someone-bipolar-2.html

 

When you resolve your codependency you will view your ex in a totally different light. I got another bout of projecting verbal abuse lately. I fell around the place laughing. It was my EUREKA moment. Great I am over her, but if I don't solve my codependency I will spend the rest of my life in messed up relationships. Offering LS users advice on what not to do, even though I am making the same mistakes as they are. There is a word for that...Hyprocrite. I am with you bro on your journey. So is Downtown. Self awareness is a good start. Up to us to finish the rest, no matter how long it takes..

 

COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

 

I think I have the same issue. I am always attracted to these kind of women. Twice in my life I think I was a rebound, And honestly I loved them both with all my heart to this day. I had this urge to be what people call "captain save a hoe". I also think I am bi-polar if u read my threads you'll know.. Thanks for sharing big guy!

[Mack05]

I think I have the same issue. I am always attracted to these kind of women. Twice in my life I think I was a rebound, And honestly I loved them both with all my heart to this day. I had this urge to be what people call "captain save a hoe". I also think I am bi-polar if u read my threads you'll know.. Thanks for sharing big guy!

 

No worries mate. I am going to do in-depth studying on codependency and self worth/self esteem/insecurities for the next 6 months to a year and hopefully come back here to LS, so I can help others with the 'revelations' I find out. It's amazing and concerning how we can't easily detach from toxic people or relationships. There is something inside me that must make me feel 'unlovable' but why? I can't figure this out. I have great parents, sister, nephews, extended family, friends. Great child hood and for the most part adult life. I'm not bad looking, have great career so why do I feel 'unlovable'. I'm still not sure. I did feel very insecure at times in childhood (outside my home) maybe there are hidden things there (I am reading a book called attachment theory to help me understand this more)

 

"It makes absolutely no sense, that you could keep wanting somebody who's been your cruel/dismissive tormentor and turned your world upside-down and inside-out. It's this inner battle between your rational mind and your painful longing, which has you continuing to wrestle with this toxic relationship.

 

The exact same emotional wounds you've grown up with which made you think you were unlovable, are now utilized to re-shame you, by this monsterously sadistic and dysfunctional individual. The tragedy here, is that you accept what he/she says to you, as gospel--and it doesn't even occur to you, how totally untrustworthy and lacking in character they are.

 

Given your Borderline has split him/herself into black and white all-good/all-bad, they do the same with you. As they cannot tolerate 'imperfect' traits in themselves, and have excised them from their personality structure, how can they accommodate any of yours? Still, you "love" them anyway--even if it's triggered by a sense of obligation (a moldy leftover from your childhood). Each time their more favorable/desirable aspects show up, you think they're here to stay--and determine that you must be the insane one. This became your survival strategy as a child, or you would have packed a knap-sack and taken off on your own, at three or four! Sticking around despite the pain, has been practical/logical from a youngster's standpoint--but you're still doing it.

 

The truth of this matter, is that you've been dependent on a BPD partner to catalyze feelings of aliveness in you, because you're unable to manufacture them for yourself. This of course, sets you up for addiction to a roller coaster kind of relationship, and a borderline lover is the fix you keep craving. The caregiver, fixer/rescuer-type person has effectively amputated all darker facets and emotions out of their own persona. He/she has become a cardboard cutout of a person, who is devoid of natural human dimensions like anger, envy, sadness, etc. It's impossible to feel whole and complete with these missing personality aspects, and we're subconsciously drawn to those who have them, to achieve a greater sense of balance"

 

I have signed up for these lectures -> OWNING HAPPINESS Through Integrated Recovery Work. I like the theory behind 'Intergated recovery'. I agree that codependents have a different kind of emotional immaturity issues that they need to resolve. They don't feel as sad as they should in certain situations, same with anger and other emotions...There is either an under reaction or an over reaction that an emotionally mature, healthy person wouldn't suffer from.

 

"The trouble is, you sometimes feel bored, or kind of empty or dead inside. When you look around at all you've accomplished, you can talk yourself out of those feelings--but you haven't put them totally to rest"

 

I read Melody Beattie's book on Codependency. I have read a book called the enabler. I have gone through Therapy and while I have made progress to becoming a better person with increased self esteem, co-dependency still has a huge role in my life. This overwhelming urge to 'help' my ex (at the expense of myself) only left recently.

 

As I said, I am reading a book called attachment theory and have read books on addiction to help me understand the rational behind complusive behaviour/reacting without thinking. For my own personal recovery it's like a jigsaw I need to put together. I just have no idea how long it will take...

 

http://gettinbetter.com/salt.html

Edited April 27, 2012 by Mack05

[a_bit_lost]

wow Mack, your first two paragraphs in that above were the exact turmoil I had a few months back as you're all aware.. In fact I had that turmoil for over a year. I still have, however its lessened massively. Nail on the head with your words ^ there.

[Mack05]

wow Mack, your first two paragraphs in that above were the exact turmoil I had a few months back as you're all aware.. In fact I had that turmoil for over a year. I still have, however its lessened massively. Nail on the head with your words ^ there.

 

ABL you would be amazed how many of these types of relationships there are. Sometimes you might get the insecure low self esteem woman stay with an abusive male partner. In our situation we had the EXACT same type of relationships. Same with many other posters I have seen on this site.

 

I found out lately my ex has told just an obscene amount of lies in our relationship. She manipulated me like I have never seen before. I have never encountered someone so messed up and damaged. Yet I wanted to try again!I can't believe that!!Says alot of how far I still need to come.

 

I confronted her about all these lies and tried to explain to her what her issues are. She projected and gaslighted and put it all back on me. I was "A monster, a liar, a manipulator, pathetic, Ugly person, horrible person, an animal, sicko, weak, Douchebag etc etc etc". We both knew she was lying, but apparently I am the monster and she the 'perfect' woman who has been wronged, brilliantly playing the victim. World is round for me, flat for her and we will never agree.

 

Now I wasn't perfect in the relationship. How can a co-dependent insecure person be? This is the key to understand and gain acceptance my role in the relationship failure. I was very honest with my ex and took alot of accountability and responsibility for our failure. Not once, Not once did my ex ever take any kind of accountability or responsibility for our relationship failure..This just makes me believe even more my analysis of her is 110% spot on.

 

There is nothing and I do mean nothing, you can do to make it work with this woman (your ex). She will forever live in self denial because she doesn't have the courage, honesty with herself, conviction or self awareness to truly look inwards and accept she is broken. It's only when they realise they are broken can they fix themselves, but for someone with BPD pathology this is almost impossible to achieve. They are just too damaged, living in their own dream world where its safest.

 

We can't fix them. It's impossible, only they can fix themselves and in reality its highly unlikely to ever happen. I have seen on the web a few girls admit to BPD, but they have to be rarer than hen's teeth. What we need to do, is what they refuse to do. Look inwards and determine why we were attracted to such a person and we why stayed in the toxicity and drama.

 

You have made awesome progress and I am damn proud of you, but only until her or her actions no longer have any effect on you will you be able to resolve your personal issues. Only u will know what those issues are after you have researched for yourself. I have never met you, I can't diagnose you, I can only guide you. I see a lot of me in you and I've have felt the desperate lows you went through.

 

It is vital for our own personal well being, that we avoid those terrible lows in future. Look deep inside yourself and you will get the answers. The answers our ex's will never obtain. Blame, deny, forget and move on for them. Understand, honesty, embrace and learn for us...Once we get to where we need to be, our choice in partner will be so much healthier.

 

The happy relationship we all crave will be within reach and the lessons we comprehended and learnt from the past will help us maintain, nourish and grow in this 'future' relationship in the longterm. We will be able to communicate properly and trust, honesty, empathy, loyalty, love will just come 'naturally'. The words abuse, toxicity, lies, manipulation won't exist...It's out there, now we got to put in the hard work on ourselves to go get it..

Edited April 27, 2012 by Mack05

[gibson]

Wait... What!?!?

 

So a 23 year old girl who wanted out of a 5 year relationship and did so by cheating and using A Bit Lost as a rebound has BPD? She is screwed for life and will be a horrible person forever?

 

This girl wants too live it up, party, drink, club, shake her ass, seek male attention, date and sleep around like a lot of women / men her age do. Most kids I meet and talk too that are her age are into "the scene" and just being "young and dumb", G.I.G.S., etc.

 

Mack / A Bit Lost, if you looked at me when I was her age... you would have said I had BPD. I broke up with someone I was dating for 5 years, started drinking, partying, dating around, going to strip clubs, having sex, clubbing, etc. and I did this for several years.... Just like most everyone else our age.

 

If that is BPD then my friends and I were mysteriously healed in our mid to late 20s. Eventually we grew up, matured, stopped acting like idiots, stopped partying, entered into LTRs or marriages. It was just a "phase" we all went through were we sowed "our wild oats" (G.I.G.S.). We all turned out okay... We are all normal and well adjusted adults who are very successful in our relationships, friendships, careers, marriages and in life.

 

Lessons to take away from this experience so A Bit Lost can avoid this "pain" in the future:

 

1. Don't "steal" women from other men. (The way you get them, is the way you lose them. - Homebrew)

 

2. Don't get involved with someone coming out of a LTR that hasn't taken off time to heal.

 

3. Don't fall in love and pursue relationships with people who are into partying, "sowing their wild oats", etc. (G.I.G.S.)

 

4. You are late twenties so go for women 25 or older. Generally they are through with the partying, no longer interested in the "bad boys", are looking for something long term and possibly even marriage.

 

5. Don't fall in love or enter into relationships with someone who does not know who they are, what they want, etc.

 

6. Don't make someone a priority when they only see you as an option.

 

7. Etc.

Edited April 27, 2012 by gibson