Veryconfused12345 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Hi everyone, It's not a good day. In fact it's a really really bad day. Things seem to be falling apart for me. I've been posting over the past 2 months after my fiance broke up with me. I was so confused and shocked and hurt and honestly, as much as I tried to uphold NC, I was convinced he's realize what he'd done and come back to me. I just couldn't fathom not spending the rest of my life with him. A week ago he came over, told me he wanted me back and loved me, but that he had started dating/sleeping with a girl I knew was interested in him. I was absolutely devastated, I would never move on that quickly. I sort of panicked and became clingy in the past few days and this is so embarrassing to admit, but I became desperate to get him back. He said he needs time to recover because he just feels depressed and tired from everything's that happened. I'm pathetically sitting here waiting for him to come back to me. He's already essentially dumped me, betrayed my trust, and kept me hanging and STILL I miss him? Please help. I thought I'd be better by now. Instead, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm breaking into tears embarrassingly in public spaces. I know in my heart that I've been betrayed by him. On the other side I can't stop obsessing about him, thinking about him. I've lost the plot. I feel almost incapacitated sometimes and I might lose my job soon. Everything is falling apart. I think I've fallen into situational depression and am trying to treat it but so far, the only conceivable way I could ever get better is by being with him. I'm posting here instead of calling him obsessively because it hurts my feelings so much every time I call in tears and he says "I do love you, I just need time to recover" and that he "still sees himself walking down the aisle to me." The logical side of my mind thinks this is ridiculous, he's manipulating me and being intensely selfish. The emotional side of me thinks we were supposed to be together. This isn't my fiance. It's like he's snapped. It's killing me right now, I can't imagine ever being excited about my future again. I'm 24 years old, I know that I'll most likely meet someone I like in the future. But I just can't see how I will ever look back at this and not feel totally flattened. I was sure this was my soul mate and I've just lost my best friend. There are so many things to enjoy doing as a couple in a big city and I don't want another guy. I still desperately want him. I can't go back to him can I? Thank you to anyone who posts and for all the lovely people who've taken time to write to me before. I've promised myself that if I'm ever back on my two feet I'll try to help others on this site as much as they've helped me...
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 hi. i've been in the same situation. not all people will fall in to a depression like that. you cant do anything but talk to your friends all the time. or use a public forum on the internet like this. i know this is something you understand, and its not something that will make you feel better. but time heals all wounds. dont be afraid to talk with someone you dont know, a therapist maybe?. you said he slept with a girl and asks if you can take him back. well can you? can you forgive him? dont feel embarrassed for being clingy. its a natural behavior. most people will do what makes them feel better for the moment. sure it might not be the best way to handle things. but in the end you cant blame yourself. the worst thing right now is probably the feeling of loneliness. with that said, you miss the feeling of having someone more then the relationship. i dont believe you know that by now. because right now youre only remembering the good things. you cant control your emotions and you dont know what they are telling you. if you want him back, continue nc. but look at the problems you had, figure out what went wrong, and then send him a text saying. i know what went wrong and i understand why we broke up. i believe its the best thing for us both. just act confident. this is not a lie, remember that. he dumped you, that means he dont need/wants you anymore. and thats not a healthy relationship. so by saying its for the best. it really is for the best.
bbronco Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I've been where you are too..still probably am, but on a more emotionally subdued level. That panic state where you're crying in your car, crying at work, crying in the shower, crying in your bed - it's normal, but eventually it does lessen. It took me 4 months to control myself and then in the 5 to 6 month time frame after the break up, I would cry once a week, when a friend would tell me my ex reached out to them about going out to a bar, or they bumped into him, etc. I WISH I hadn't let the flood gates loose on my ex when I was at my worst..sobbing on the phone with him, sending crying text faces lol, the works...it probably did freak him out - but it's all you know at that point. You want them to know the suffering you're going through is for them, for love. And they in turn, totally shut down and say they need time for themselves all of a sudden = life carrying on perfectly fine, just without us. In terms of the other woman...well, technically, he's single. It's a bitch pill to swallow, but it's the truth. My ex also went back to his ex before me - an idiot chick with no goals or future who he dated for 4 months. At least your guy came out with the truth on his own. I asked mine about this chick (he doesn't know I know) and he says nothing is going on and that she means nothing to him. But, regardless, I also still want him back. We can't help how strong and skewed our emotions are sometimes. Ultimately I guess, if they can get with someone else, but we're still in their thoughts and they ultimately do come back for us...then maybe that's enough to prove where their true loyalties and feelings reside...though it sucks to feel like you're the obvious last resort option that they knew would always be waiting when they finished having their fun while we wallowed...grrrr!
KathyM Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I'm really sorry for your pain. I understand how you would feel so betrayed by this. I'm sorry to say that this man really doesn't know what he wants. He's in no condition to make any decisions. I think what he did to you was terrible, and he obviously didn't appreciate you enough to stay with you. He wanted to sow his wild oats, but yet is keeping you strung along as a backup plan, as if you're going to wait for him to get this out of his system. I think you'd be a fool if you went along with waiting for him. This is the type of guy that's going to have a midlife crisis later on, wondering what else is out there for him, and wanting to pursue another relationship. I can see this coming back to bite you if you take him back. He has shown that he doesn't value you enough, he can't be counted on to stay with you, he's immature and selfish, and would not make good husband material. And he doesn't seem to mind the unfairness and hurt that it is causing you while he's exploring his options. Get this selfish, immature guy out of your life, and spend your energies on healing yourself and then finding someone with the maturity to make a commitment. I would suggest you seek counseling to help you get through this initial chaotic time for you.
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for your responses, I'm so grateful for your messages. I'm glad I'm not some sort of freak for going through this right now. I just feel completely out of control with my emotions and I'm desperate for a "fix" of the relationship where I reach out and contact him. Thinking of him with someone else makes me feel sick. I just don't understand what I did that deserved this kind of treatment. I fluctuate between saying I can't handle this anymore and being absolutely devastated that my life has ended up like this. I want to believe that I can be happy with someone else but I have never been so content with another person before and am petrified I won't be able to replace this. I don't know what I did wrong. I absolutely adored him and he was very serious about me. Is it wrong that I somehow still believe that we're supposed to be together or is that my silly immature take on this?
chados Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you everyone for your responses, I'm so grateful for your messages. I'm glad I'm not some sort of freak for going through this right now. I just feel completely out of control with my emotions and I'm desperate for a "fix" of the relationship where I reach out and contact him. Thinking of him with someone else makes me feel sick. I just don't understand what I did that deserved this kind of treatment. I fluctuate between saying I can't handle this anymore and being absolutely devastated that my life has ended up like this. I want to believe that I can be happy with someone else but I have never been so content with another person before and am petrified I won't be able to replace this. I don't know what I did wrong. I absolutely adored him and he was very serious about me. Is it wrong that I somehow still believe that we're supposed to be together or is that my silly immature take on this? its not immature, its your emotions telling you whats right at this point. if you want him back i suggest youre simply telling him this is for the best. release the pressure between you. i would personally have a trustissue. but you should do whats right for you. but remember that just because you feel like this right now, doesnt mean you will feel it if you get him back. you would see things clearer and maybe realize that you cant trust him. and if he comes back, make him work for it. let him be the needy one.
Sustugriel Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Greetings, There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling and it's quite normal considering the circumstances. You have to allow yourself that time to grieve...and don't feel embarrassed about having to cry in public spaces. Even as a man, sometimes it's necessary. You'd be surprised at how compassionate some people are, I've had complete strangers walk up to me and ask me if they could help in any way...it boosts your self-esteem. I'm over a month now since my fiancee broke up with me, only to find out she was cheating! I still miss her everyday. I'm sorry you're going through this. If he's slept with another woman than he's betrayed your trust...and he should have to work to come back, not the other way around (I know, I'm having trouble sticking to this as well) .. continue to think of yourself and try to find things you enjoy, it will be hard to. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
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