chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I'm not sure this has anything to with being selfish or not but a few days after my ex.dumped me we made arrangments for me to pickup my stuff from her house. I had completely landscaped her front and back yard with uplighting lights,a birdbath other yard "decor" Lots of stuff. I told her I'd be there when she was at work and I didn't want to see her and she agreed...... when I showed up her car was still there so I drove around the block and called her,she said she was running late and she replyed.... is that a problem?........come on in with a "happy" carefree tone of voice. I was stunned,,, hurt by her attitude.... she knew she shattered my heart and hurt me yet she's acting like nothing happened!!! I expected a calm somewhat sad/sorry attitude but that response with that tone of voice,,, well it bothered me like there was no remorse there. Selfish?? yes thats probably her way to tell you. dont hate me, i want us to be friends. its a selfish and a little disturbing behavior. she could feel like the worst person every without showing you. but it still doesnt change the fact that its selfish. its just about removing the pressure between the both of you. its like when you as a dumpee tells her that youre fine with the breakup. that will also remove the pressure. but its working in different ways. while the first one is about being nice and hoping to be friend with the dumpee/remove any guilt. the last one is making the dumper feel miserable because you dont show that youre gonna cry over over her. of course then again no dumper would admit theyre just "being friends" because they dont wanna be seen as a bad person.
M2155 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I'm not sure this has anything to with being selfish or not but a few days after my ex.dumped me we made arrangments for me to pickup my stuff from her house. I had completely landscaped her front and back yard with uplighting lights,a birdbath other yard "decor" Lots of stuff. I told her I'd be there when she was at work and I didn't want to see her and she agreed...... when I showed up her car was still there so I drove around the block and called her,she said she was running late and she replyed.... is that a problem?........come on in with a "happy" carefree tone of voice. I was stunned,,, hurt by her attitude.... she knew she shattered my heart and hurt me yet she's acting like nothing happened!!! I expected a calm somewhat sad/sorry attitude but that response with that tone of voice,,, well it bothered me like there was no remorse there. Selfish?? Sounds like you expecting her to respond the way you would want her to, I wouldn't label that as "selfish" neccessarily. I'm not going to lie, I would have been the same way, if nothing else just to put on a brave front. It's like (well not really but I'm reaching here...) when you spank your kid, it's not something you enjoy but you don't want them to know how much you didn't want to do it, but you had to becuase it was the right thing for you to do. If my ex was sad and sensitive, I think it'd hurt even more cause I'd overanalyze that just as much when the outcome is still the same.
mike588 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Your saying with that statement she made.....come on in and tone of voice it's taking away her guilt? I'd think if she was feeling guilty she would of made sure she wasn't there when I arrive at her place,,,,, run from the guilt.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Sounds like you expecting her to respond the way you would want her to, I wouldn't label that as "selfish" neccessarily. I'm not going to lie, I would have been the same way, if nothing else just to put on a brave front. It's like (well not really but I'm reaching here...) when you spank your kid, it's not something you enjoy but you don't want them to know how much you didn't want to do it, but you had to becuase it was the right thing for you to do. If my ex was sad and sensitive, I think it'd hurt even more cause I'd overanalyze that just as much when the outcome is still the same. but isnt it selfish when you know youve hurted someone a lot. you know he still loves you. and then telling him to pick up his stuff. and later on inviting him to your home and sounding happy, like theres no remorse? its like mushing into his face thats shes over him but dont want him to hate her or feel like shes a bad person. i believe that in the long run it would be hurtful if she acted sad all the time, cause that would give you mixed signals as long as she acted like that. but its not selfish to be sad. it would be selfish if she still contacted him crying though
M2155 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 The worst part of this whole thing is not even that he has someone else. It is that I have lost a life long friend. He feels that he is my friend but not contacting me at all doesnt seem very friendly to me. He is being the complete opposite to what he said he would be. He told her he has strong feelings for me and would need to help me as I have no one else. That didnt happen at all and now he says he is over me. I expect it will all work out in the end and obviously he is trying to please her/ she is brainwashing him. She is not brainwashing him, he's responsible for his actions. HE is going through a range of emotions and trying to shut down his positive feelings for you or replace them with more negative feelings. He is trying to figure things out as much as you are. You both know you can't be "friends" right now. Of course he said he would be a lot of things-saying it is easier than doing it. Just like you said you accepted things but you keep bringing up hurt when you talk to him. My ex said we would work on our relationship knowing he started a relationship with a woman he loved, said we would talk, said we would be "friends" (I have no idea what that means..why would we talk?). Talk is in the moment! You will feel more accepting about his behavior when you stop expecting. Keep in mind he probably doesn't know how to have a relationship with you right now, this situation is new territory for both of you after so long. Take a break.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Your saying with that statement she made.....come on in and tone of voice it's taking away her guilt? I'd think if she was feeling guilty she would of made sure she wasn't there when I arrive at her place,,,,, run from the guilt. it would be the best to respect your wishes yes. but dont ever believe that all people would do that. she could even be late to work because she's feeling guilt about telling you to pick up your stuff. does it mean she's feeling guilt about seeing the new guy? not necessarily, but people wants to be loved. its just a selfish behavior. me personally would feel really bad if i where her. an old ex of mine "both agreed with the breakup" started to see a new guy one day after the breakup. i was in pain and she knew it, she asked me to follow her and her friend to watch a movie at her place. i asked her if she wanted to try again, i mean why else would she asked me that. she said no. 2 weeks later she was in a relationship with that guy
M2155 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 (edited) Chados and Mike, I'm not saying it's the nicest thing to do but for all you know, she very well could have been running late or was in a good mood. And when I think about how I present myself in an uncomfortable situation, "selfish" isn't the word that comes to mind. How you would have been if the situation was reversed- your ex who you dumped because you are now happy with someone comes by to pick up stuff, really? I would not want to give you false hope. I would not want you to think I'm suffering (assuming she was). I want you to know my decision is right for us. Have you never been upset or in a bad mood but responded with a smile because you don't want to rock the boat. I just think to say her intention there was "selfish" is a stretch. That sounds like a logical reaction because you don't want to add any more drama or emotion to an uncomfortable situation. Edited December 14, 2011 by M2155
mike588 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 but isnt it selfish when you know youve hurted someone a lot. you know he still loves you. and then telling him to pick up his stuff. and later on inviting him to your home and sounding happy, like theres no remorse? its like mushing into his face thats shes over him but dont want him to hate her or feel like shes a bad person. i believe that in the long run it would be hurtful if she acted sad all the time, cause that would give you mixed signals as long as she acted like that. but its not selfish to be sad. it would be selfish if she still contacted him crying though I can't speak for everyone but I would of felt alittle better if she was sad,,that it wasn't easy for her. You mentioned she didn't want me to hate her or feel likes she's the bad peron........ well with that attitude,tone of voice it DID make me angry/hate towards her.
M2155 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 What I meant also is I guess for me "selfish" would be me purposely just trying to make me look better. Here I see it more as no good way to respond in an uncomfortable situation.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 M2155: everyone is different. im not saying that all people are acting like this, just because youre being selfish doesnt mean your intentions are to look that way. people do act happy to skip more drama. its a natural behavior, but that doesnt mean youre not doing it for yourself. mike: yes i agree 100%, sounding happy just makes you hate them. and often they do this because they dont want more drama. but that doesnt mean theyre happy.
mike588 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Hey, I don't want to take over this thread with my situation but let me add this last thought/comment: Again I'm only speaking for myself but as M2155 said,put yourself in her shoes about her words,attitude........ If I dumped a g/f and we arranged a pickup time for her stuff I'd make sure I was gone......I wouldn't want to see her either out of guilt or the hurt it may cause one or both of us and there is NO WAY I'd say.......it that a problem I'm still here or come on in with that tone of voice/attitude. To me saying/doing that would only make the g/f feel that I was completely over her that quick,, I have no remorse,you never really meant anything to me.
Author lolita jade Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Mike, I actually prefer it if my ex is upbeat and invites me in for coffee. It shows he is happyish to see me and we may be able to talk as friends. I don't see the problem? If he is miserable I would be thinking he doesn't want me here. I also act upbeat in front of him now as its the best way. Men and women prefer fun people to depressed ones. I dont need to pick my son up. He is 20 and lives 5 mins walk away. Thankfully. Chados and M2155, I understand what you are both saying. We are both confused, it is all new. I need space. A friend of mine said today focus on all his bad points to help me move on. The hardest times are when you think of the good memories and the good married lifestyle you had. Things like cooking for 1 and managing alone are depressing I know this is only a temporary stage in my life though. Chados, I think you need som more time before contacting your ex. Healing time.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Hey, I don't want to take over this thread with my situation but let me add this last thought/comment: Again I'm only speaking for myself but as M2155 said,put yourself in her shoes about her words,attitude........ If I dumped a g/f and we arranged a pickup time for her stuff I'd make sure I was gone......I wouldn't want to see her either out of guilt or the hurt it may cause one or both of us and there is NO WAY I'd say.......it that a problem I'm still here or come on in with that tone of voice/attitude. To me saying/doing that would only make the g/f feel that I was completely over her that quick,, I have no remorse,you never really meant anything to me. yes theres another thing by acting nice and actually doing what is right. the best thing would be to just leave if thats what you want her to do. the only point im making here, is that people are acting different after a breakup. and it doesnt have to mean that she's totally over you. it could mean she feels its the right thing to say at that point. could she be over you? yes she could, but trust me. my ex did cry after the breakup, when we talked in the phone after me going NC, she sounded happier then ever. we where going to meet up for a coffee. but i could feel she was uncomfortable with that. so i simply told her that i dont want to see her right now. she asked me, do you still have feelings for me?, i said well feelings dont just fade away. she said well i have moved on. then i told her that i dont want her to contact me right now, and that ive to moved on, but i feel its for the best to not talk. then she cried
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Mike, I actually prefer it if my ex is upbeat and invites me in for coffee. It shows he is happyish to see me and we may be able to talk as friends. I don't see the problem? If he is miserable I would be thinking he doesn't want me here. I also act upbeat in front of him now as its the best way. Men and women prefer fun people to depressed ones. I dont need to pick my son up. He is 20 and lives 5 mins walk away. Thankfully. Chados and M2155, I understand what you are both saying. We are both confused, it is all new. I need space. A friend of mine said today focus on all his bad points to help me move on. The hardest times are when you think of the good memories and the good married lifestyle you had. Things like cooking for 1 and managing alone are depressing I know this is only a temporary stage in my life though. Chados, I think you need som more time before contacting your ex. Healing time. im just feeling sad like 20 minutes/week. i dont feel miserable anymore. you might be right about that. on the other hand i dont know if im making a huge mistake by not contacting her. it feels like ive told her that she hasnt got a chance to get me back, would she tell me after that? only god knows
Author lolita jade Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Chados, If your gut instinct tells you to contact your ex and you truly beleive you want her back and she feels the same, contact her.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Chados, If your gut instinct tells you to contact your ex and you truly beleive you want her back and she feels the same, contact her. thing is, i really dont wanna go backwards. im afraid of what the reaction will be. and to be honest i dont know what i want or if it would work out. maybe she dumps me again after 1 month, maybe my improvements isnt enough.
Author lolita jade Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Sometimes though you will never find out unless you try. Life is too short. Especially if it is meant to be and no one has the courage to make the move. Maybe leave it a little longer and think.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Sometimes though you will never find out unless you try. Life is too short. Especially if it is meant to be and no one has the courage to make the move. Maybe leave it a little longer and think. yeah youre right. but maybe this is only a sign that i haven't moved on and theres other girls more suitable for me. its like you said, the worst thing isnt that your ex is seeing another person. well for me the worst thing isnt that the relationship is over. the worst thing is that all the good memories keeps coming back to me and the feeling of having someone there is something i cant shake of
Author lolita jade Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 and I think, thinking of future nice things. that holiday, having a meal with friends together etc. Christmas doesn't help any of us dumpees with our happy memory/ what could be thoughts. We all feel slushy and sentimental. In January it is a new year and you/we will be able to think clearer.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 and I think, thinking of future nice things. that holiday, having a meal with friends together etc. Christmas doesn't help any of us dumpees with our happy memory/ what could be thoughts. We all feel slushy and sentimental. In January it is a new year and you/we will be able to think clearer. yeah i really do believe i pushed her away, i made her feel like i was changing because she told me to and not because i felt it was important for the relationship. i made all mistakes i could. maybe i even killed any chances i had by telling her i dont want to go back. the crazy thing is that i actually thought for a while its been 3 months since the breakup. but its only 1,5. it was a test from her part, and i failed. i saw the signs but i just didnt realize that everything i did was because i had a huge depression.
chados Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Are you bi polar Chados? no i dont believe so its just had a heartbreak thats been worse then any other in my life
SkyEmtRN Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Are you bi polar Chados? Lolita...I think everyone is bipolar when it comes to break ups. Especially when your the dumpee. I have not been diagnosed with bipolar and I'm generally a content guy with no sadness or overly excitment. But ever since my break up....I been going through every single emotion you can think of. Just recently I regain control of my sanity and that was becuase I gained control of my situation thanks to Chados and others. The bipolar experienced throught the break up is just temporary. Some people have bipolar that last their entire lives and are treated with meds. I guess you can say the break up bipolar is just a normal reaction to body switching between stress, anxiety, depression, etc.
Author lolita jade Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 yes I understand the feeling, like your world has ended. If you believe you have a chance go for it. It has only been 1.5 months. Apologise to her. If you need to change though it will have to happen.
Author lolita jade Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Sky, Yes it what I was asking, medically diagnosed bi polar not the emotional rollercoaster of break up. I wouldnt class that as bi polar as that is a different thing but yes I know what you mean about the deep depression, anxiety, dispair etc. Yes we do all have that.
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