ditzchic Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I was dating a dude for about 3 months awhile back. He dumped me like 4 months ago. It was really hot and heavy in the beginning and I know he was head over heels for me. He was way more into me than I was into him at first. A lot of crazy stuff went down right before the break up and his reasons for walking away was that we weren't compatible. He said he felt alone. I groveled a little and he told me that he would miss me and he wasn't completely done thinking about "us". The next day I sent him an e-mail and asked if we could get together and talk the upcoming weekend. He said he didn't know if that was a good idea, so I poured my heart out. I kind of explained why I was acting like nut bag. I apologized. I even got into feelings and stuff. He responded to that with a "Not yet.". So I left the ball in his court. I told him to get at me if/when he felt the need. I did a great job of staying away from him in the last 4 months. I think he may be prodding me though. A couple of months ago he started commenting on some of my facebook updates. I ended up unfriending him from facebook because while he was seemingly checking out my profile he wasn't actually talking to me. I was kind of annoyed. That was about 2 months ago. Last week my e-mail was hacked and was sending out spam e-mails to all my contacts. He is in my contacts. He actually responded to one of the spams. He works in IT and is a total internet nerd. He knew that it wasn't me sending that e-mail. I wasnt sure if he was responding just to alert me that my e-mail was hacked or if he was trying to start a conversation, so I responded to him and told him that I was phished but it was all better now. Well he responded back to that too! Nothing big or anything. Just a one-liner penis joke. I responded to that with "Google it." There's no way I'm gonna go down the dirty talk road with him after he's only been giving me crumbs for the last 4 months. I have too much self-respect. So I reflected on this situation with a couple of my guy friends. They all seem to generally agree that he is poking me in the hopes that I'll start chasing him. When we first met I had to initiate the first contact with him, I initiated the first physical touch and that's when he started chasing after me. He's a pretty insecure, under-confident guy. He's not very likely to make the first move even though I told him I was leaving the ball in his court when we left off. I'm not gonna deny that I still have feelings for the guy. He was really great. But I've never really "chased" a guy before. I'm not even sure what to do.... And I'm kind of afraid to make that move without some kind of more solid confirmation that he's interested. I don't want to be like the crazy ex girlfriend or stalk the guy or something... Any advice from the men?
thatone Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 first off you don't know what he's thinking. so that's the first hurdle, simple question: "why are you contacting me again and what do you want?" why did he feel alone? if i had to bet, it's because he didn't know what to do/say and due to your not knowing what he wanted to do/say you pulled back a bit. that's a common thing that happens to lots of people. so start with that, talk to each other, ask him for honesty. figure out what went wrong. then you start over again if both sides are willing.
Emilia Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 So I reflected on this situation with a couple of my guy friends. They all seem to generally agree that he is poking me in the hopes that I'll start chasing him. When we first met I had to initiate the first contact with him, I initiated the first physical touch and that's when he started chasing after me. He's a pretty insecure, under-confident guy. He's not very likely to make the first move even though I told him I was leaving the ball in his court when we left off. I'm not gonna deny that I still have feelings for the guy. He was really great. But I've never really "chased" a guy before. I'm not even sure what to do.... And I'm kind of afraid to make that move without some kind of more solid confirmation that he's interested. I don't want to be like the crazy ex girlfriend or stalk the guy or something... Any advice from the men? I'm not a man (last time I checked) but my advice for what it's worth is don't get into the chase thing with anyone. I appreciate you did or said something that upset him but if he is really that insecure that he wasn't able to have a conversation with you when you split up then he won't be able to talk to you when he is upset about something else next time either. People that have trouble communicating don't usually make good relationship material and he was probably right about the two of you not being compatible. By all means try to talk to him like thatone suggested but don't turn it into a chase game, nothing good will come off it. If he is unable to talk without much prodding, walk away and find someone else who can.
Author ditzchic Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 why did he feel alone? if i had to bet, it's because he didn't know what to do/say and due to your not knowing what he wanted to do/say you pulled back a bit. that's a common thing that happens to lots of people. Kinda. He actually knew (or at least acted like he knew) from the very moment he started chasing me what he wanted. He was really intense. I wanted to take things slower and get to know each other more casually first. No matter how many times I asked him to slow down he didn't. I felt so pressured. This lead to me basically emotionally shutting down on him out of fear of falling too fast. My shut down made him even more nervous and self-conscious and things just fell apart so quick. I feel real bad how I did that. If I knew then what I know now, I would have tried harder. But Emilia has a point, I did all the communicating. He never told me his "needs". If he would have been able to talk to me about him needing me to chill out and try and open up to him, maybe things would have been different. But he just went with the flow until it all fell apart. If we can't communicate then he was right, we aren't compatible. It's a crying shame though. Outside of that our personalities are so similar and I've never met anyone who could give me the butterflies like he did...
Feelsgoodman Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Perhaps he's right in his assessment that the two of your are not compatible? It seems that he really liked you, while you decided to play hard to get. Once he realized what you were doing, he walked away, as any normal man with high self-esteem would do.
Author ditzchic Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 Perhaps he's right in his assessment that the two of your are not compatible? It seems that he really liked you, while you decided to play hard to get. Once he realized what you were doing, he walked away, as any normal man with high self-esteem would do. I wasn't playing hard to get. He had me and he knew it and I made sure to let him know that. I just needed to take a slower pace. He wanted to spend all of our free time together, wanted to introduce me to his parents, wanted to meet all of my friends. Which I was fine with, I just didn't want to rush and force it. I wanted to get to know him better one on one first. We were already spending every weekend together, entire days on the couch, going on weekend trips together. All within two months. To top it off, we lived about an hour apart and both have full busy lives, hanging out daily would be an extremely difficult thing to do. I'm not used to moving that fast. I just wanted to pace myself. And he doesn't have high self-esteem. He would be the first person to admit it. He was always nervous how he was going to "screw it up" and what he was gonna do that would make me leave. Believe me he was no saint. I caught him in a few lies, he played some mind games in the beginning, he was always pushing my boundaries. I think that's why he tried to nail it down so hard and fast... But I had no intentions on leaving him. I just wanted a chance to get comfortable with him. That pace wasn't giving me that chance.
Author ditzchic Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 Perhaps he's right in his assessment that the two of your are not compatible? It seems that he really liked you, while you decided to play hard to get. Once he realized what you were doing, he walked away, as any normal man with high self-esteem would do. Back to my original point though... If he were sure of his decision. Why is he prodding me?!?! I know what it's like to figure out that something isn't going to work and lose interest in pursuing it. Ya know what I do when that happens? I stop interacting with that person. Especially if I know that person may still have a thing for me. I let sleeping dogs lie. From what I know of men, they are even more black and white about this sort of thing than me. If he were done, why can't he let me forget him?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Sorry I wouldn't chase as it would only make them run faster. The issue isn't you as he's the one stuck in limbo about his needs. The only reason he's prying is because you haven't given him any kind of attention. You focus on u and date other people.
thatone Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Back to my original point though... If he were sure of his decision. Why is he prodding me?!?! I know what it's like to figure out that something isn't going to work and lose interest in pursuing it. Ya know what I do when that happens? I stop interacting with that person. Especially if I know that person may still have a thing for me. I let sleeping dogs lie. From what I know of men, they are even more black and white about this sort of thing than me. If he were done, why can't he let me forget him? men are even more black and white about such things, but he's not blind, he probably knows you are still interested in him so he'll keep fishing as long as you'll let him. hence my suggestion, confront him, ask him what he's up to. tell him to say what he thinks and feels. if he refuses again you have your answer. if he doesn't, maybe the air gets cleared and you two give it another shot.
Author ditzchic Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 men are even more black and white about such things, but he's not blind, he probably knows you are still interested in him so he'll keep fishing as long as you'll let him. hence my suggestion, confront him, ask him what he's up to. tell him to say what he thinks and feels. if he refuses again you have your answer. if he doesn't, maybe the air gets cleared and you two give it another shot. I don't see how he would still know. He isn't on my facebook and we have no mutual friends that could be reporting to him.... Ugggggghhhhhhhh.... This is a conversation I don't want to start. I'm going to wait until the next time he does something. Then I'll speak up. I really don't feel like laying my heart out there on a silver platter for someone that has given me nothing but crumbs for the last 4 months...
DearAbby Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Never chase any guy. If you have no self control, delete his number from your phone. it is never a good idea to be too available. Guys are hunters. And, they will get bored real fast if you chase. That's my experience. I have never been one to chase guys and they always go nuts trying to get me. One time, I decided to chase this guy I liked. He wasn't even that good looking. He wasn't asking me out - I was like WTF. I deleted his number from my phone after hitting on him heavily for a few weeks. Guess what? I never heard from him again LOL. Goes to show... If a guy likes you, he will burn bridges to get to see you.
Author ditzchic Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Never chase any guy. If you have no self control, delete his number from your phone. it is never a good idea to be too available. Guys are hunters. And, they will get bored real fast if you chase. That's my experience. I have never been one to chase guys and they always go nuts trying to get me. One time, I decided to chase this guy I liked. He wasn't even that good looking. He wasn't asking me out - I was like WTF. I deleted his number from my phone after hitting on him heavily for a few weeks. Guess what? I never heard from him again LOL. Goes to show... If a guy likes you, he will burn bridges to get to see you. I have amazing self control. In the 4 months we were split, I only texted him twice. And that was within the first few weeks. Just over the weekend, I deleted his numbers from my phone and removed his email from my contacts list so this whole spam thing doesn't happen again. If there is contact made it'll be all his doing.
Recommended Posts