soheartbroken Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I've been seeing a girl for over 5 months. We are long distance until April, when we will be in the same city again. When we see eachother on the weekends, things are great. Lately we have been having trouble communicating. I will text her and not hear back for quite some time, or she will say she will call in a couple minutes and I wait over 30 minutes. Or send me a text and fall asleep by the time I reply, leaving me hanging. My anxiety got the best of me, and I've been losing my cool. I vented my frustration to her Saturday (in a not-so-calm manner). A few hours later, she initiated phone sex, then told me she couldn't wait to see me at Christmas. But five hours later on the phone, she was grumpy (tired) and I was left with a crummy feeling in my stomach. The next day I got three texts from her throughout the day: "how are you doing", "how are you holding up", and "goodnight!". I responded shortly but pleasantly to each, but initiated no texts of my own, trying to give her her space. It was the first night in weeks we didn't talk by phone. Today, she texted me "good morning" on skype. I sent her a kiss emoticon. And that was it. She's been logged on all day, and she hasn't said anything since. We usually chat on and off on skype all day. If I wasn't so paranoid that I've been suffocating her, then I would send her a message. But I'm trying to give her space, let her contact me when she wants. I can't help but feel she is giving me the bare minimum of communication while I'm in exams (to keep me sane), while planning to break up with me after. Is this my paranoid anxiety? How would normal (non-anxious) people react to what's been going on? Suggestions on where to go from here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
HeavenOrHell Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Hiya Good to hear from you again, although not in these circumstances! It seems to be fairly common, judging from this LDR forum, that anxiety and insecurity rears its head more in LDR's than in day to day r/ships, as we don't have the reassurance we get just from them being here, next to us, a hug can make a big difference, for example. From what you've said, I don't think there's anything to worry about, sounds like she was just tired on the phone, it's easy to magnify tiredness, grumpiness, stress, and worry that it's because they're fed up with us. If we were with our partners day to day we are bound to be tired and grumpy some of the time, or not feeling jolly, but we can just hug them, or give them space, or make a nice meal or run them a bath, and not worry if they're quiet. My partner jokes as I often say I'll call in 5 minutes and its more like 30 minutes, doesn't mean I don't want to talk to him though. It sounds like you have plenty of communication if for example you were on the phone twice on Saturday. It's easy to be negative in an LDR, but rather than focussing on what you perceive as negatives, maybe try and focus on the fact that when you see each other at weekends things are great, and that she can't wait to see you at xmas. And she sent you those 3 texts, which was sweet, shows she loves you despite you being angry with her the day before. She hasn't asked you for space, it sounds like you're backing off a bit as you feel annoyed with her, and now she feels you're p*ssed off she's giving *you* some space. Imagine how she feels sending you nice texts and you're sounding short with her in your replies She said good morning on skype, but you didn't respond with words, she probably thinks you're still annoyed with her. Don't let your paranoia and anxiety ruin things, maybe you could say sorry you've been a bit off lately, it's just that you find the distance hard at times. She's given no hint of wanting to break up with you. From what you've said I think non anxious people wouldn't be concerned about this. You close the distance in 4 months, keep that in mind and focus on the positives, how you feel when you're together. I also totally understand how you feel, as I've felt it many times, and struggled with it big time, it would be easier for me if there was an end in sight. Bear in mind you and I have both had very painful break ups, nearly 2 1/2 years on, mine is still affecting my self esteem, it's shattered my belief in a secure r/ship and at times I think he'll find someone 'better' than me. I now know there is no guarantee in any r/ship, nothing can be assumed to be solid, which is why I am trying to build up my self esteem and not be too reliant on anyone else for my happiness. But also, we can't be in a r/ship thinking it's bound to end, we have to just enjoy it in the present and give it our best shot, whether it lasts long term or not. I've been seeing a girl for over 5 months. We are long distance until April, when we will be in the same city again. When we see eachother on the weekends, things are great. Lately we have been having trouble communicating. I will text her and not hear back for quite some time, or she will say she will call in a couple minutes and I wait over 30 minutes. Or send me a text and fall asleep by the time I reply, leaving me hanging. My anxiety got the best of me, and I've been losing my cool. I vented my frustration to her Saturday (in a not-so-calm manner). A few hours later, she initiated phone sex, then told me she couldn't wait to see me at Christmas. But five hours later on the phone, she was grumpy (tired) and I was left with a crummy feeling in my stomach. The next day I got three texts from her throughout the day: "how are you doing", "how are you holding up", and "goodnight!". I responded shortly but pleasantly to each, but initiated no texts of my own, trying to give her her space. It was the first night in weeks we didn't talk by phone. Today, she texted me "good morning" on skype. I sent her a kiss emoticon. And that was it. She's been logged on all day, and she hasn't said anything since. We usually chat on and off on skype all day. If I wasn't so paranoid that I've been suffocating her, then I would send her a message. But I'm trying to give her space, let her contact me when she wants. I can't help but feel she is giving me the bare minimum of communication while I'm in exams (to keep me sane), while planning to break up with me after. Is this my paranoid anxiety? How would normal (non-anxious) people react to what's been going on? Suggestions on where to go from here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Author soheartbroken Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 Hi HOH! So nice to hear from a familiar face! How have things been? What's going on with you? Took me two years to get over my last one. Then started dating the current girl in the summer. A lot of my current anxiety does stem from the past breakup, like you said. I feel like she could get annoyed with me at the drop of a hat and it will be all over. Yet my anxiety literally compels me to call her and overreact. So I've finally gone on meds for the anxiety. Our communication was better today, but not ideal. I guess I have to lower my expectations. I can see how you'd think I was being short with her, but I'm really trying to focus on giving her her space, and letting her reach out to me when she wants, without feeling obliged to. You know, sort of the like the "no contact" that is preached so much on these breakup forums. But I do always reply to her, and I try to be positive -- I think a "kiss" emoticon speaks louder than words and is indicative that I am not upset with her I really don't want her to feel suffocated. I'm glad your "5 minutes" can sometimes mean 30. Makes me feel like I shouldn't be too upset with her.
creighton0123 Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Your anxiety will drop significantly if you stop basing communication in text messaging. What you should do is work on some sort of communication schedule and style. What you're currently doing is both very casual and prone to feelings of disregard or dismiss. Has she expressed a desire for more personal space? Did she ever convey to you that you're attempting to communicate too much? Let's rewind the clock and pretend that it's 1985 when it comes to text based communication. There are no cell phones. No instant messages. LDR's worked back then because whenever communication was had, it was either vocal or face-to-face (video chat suffices). Right now, you don't have much longer to go. April is not that far away. You will, however, have to sit down and discuss when and how you are going to talk, rather than this sending of instant texts into the void and fostering anger/insecurity whenever the response isn't immediate.
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