Janesays Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) With all the threads lately insisting that you have to make a woman feel insecure to win her over, I thought I'd talk to the ladies here who are actually in happy relationships and ask them, "How, exactly, did your SO win you over?" Please be honest. If he manipulated you with some PUA techniques, fess up. Let's be fair here! My story: I met my current guy in the 2nd grade. He was actually the very first boy I ever had a crush on. We reconnected on facebook and I left a few teasing messages on his wall, but didn't think much of it since he now lived a good distance away from me. A few weeks later, he sent me a message asking if I wanted to have a drink and catch up. I went, thinking I'd just tease him a little more, gossip about high school, and be done with it. But I ended up having a fabulous time with him. We ended up staying at the bar until it literally closed, not drinking, just chatting and laughing. From that day on, he made it very clear that he was into me. In fact, I think his exact words were, "I had so much fun with you, that I'd drive 4 hours in the opposite direction just to spend another evening with you." My guy has always been particularly complimentary from the get-go. He calls me beautiful, gorgeous, brilliant, funny, thoughtful, etc, etc, etc. For what it's worth, I'm also a very complimentary person, I let him know he's handsome and brilliant and quirky, etc. On our second date, we made out a little, and he cupped my face in his hands, looked me deep in the eyes, and whispered, "I'm so crazy about you." Of course, I melted. Now, my guy was a virgin before me. But what I most respected about him was that he wasn't the least bit bitter or even bothered by this. I see guys on here that are virgins that are younger than him full of frustration, bitterness and outright hatred towards women. Not my guy. He was still a very nice and positive person. One time I asked him why it never worked out with him and anyone else and he just shrugged and said, "I don't know. I just never found the right girl." And I said, "So do you believe nice guys finish last?" And he just smiled and said, "Of course not. Nice guys finish whenever they want too." And that right there is when he won me over. Edited December 12, 2011 by Janesays
in_absentia Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 My guy won me over by being totally open, honest, passionate and committed towards me from the moment we started being romantic. We were platonic friends for a couple of years while I had a bf, and then we split up and my current bf started sleeping together (quite by accident). I was simultaneously sleeping with another guy (both knew about and were happy with the situation and we all used protection etc.), which I think helped the relationship progress as I wasn't focused on either guy, wasn't waiting for either to call etc. so I definitely came across as hard to get (if 'get' is girlfriend, not sex). Anyway my bf joined up with one of the military forces and the night before he left to go away for 10 weeks I said 'did you ever wonder what might have happened if you weren't going away?' and he sorta came right out and told me he was crazy about me and all the things he loved about me etc. He sent flowers to my work, made the time to call me for an hour every night, then came home every weekend (14 hrs travelling) just to see me for a night. My mother got really sick and died, and he ended up leaving his job to come back home and moved right in with me, he didn't find he was getting on with his chosen trade and he didn't want to leave me and be tied into the service for five years. While working in the forces he was pretty quickly 'you know I'd marry you tomorrow, right?' and just unwavering in the way he treated me. I never had reason to doubt his feelings, I started to feel comfortable allowing my feelings to develop for him due to how open and loving he was towards me. It was SO refreshing! My ex dragged his feet like crazy to even move in together and the whole four years I was with him had an underpinning sense of anxiety and dread. But with my bf, he just wanted to spend every night with me, be there for me. We've only been together just over a year but lived together for 10 months so far and despite the pressures of no money, bereavement, depression, illness, unemployment and working dead end jobs we're doing really well. I love him to bits and totally see my future as being with him, and he's on the same page.
jobaba Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I love your story. I thought it was great. If only there were more women like you, there would probably be less bitter men. If only...
Citizen Erased Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 When we started talking away from LS, he pretty much established that he was interested sexually in me and it went from there. Talking dirty works sometimes. I'm not good with picking up on hints so I liked he was upfront and I already knew he was a great guy from the years we knew each other on here.
wildgeese Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. He won me over with his sense of humor and the fact that despite running with a crowd that was known for partying, he seemed much more genuine than others around him. He didn't flirt with other girls, he wasn't crude or sloppy when drunk, and he made me feel completely special. He seemed focused on me and like he honestly wanted to hang out and have a good time. That's how he got me on the first date. (He hasn't lost any of those qualities either!) The moment I knew I was in love with him was about six months into our relationship. He was helping me move (bonus!) and had a truck with a camper shell on it. He had a friend help him get it off but by the end of the very long day of moving, there was only the two of us to put it back on. I'm not exactly built or anything (okay, I'm super waify) and if you've never had to lift one of those things...they are HEAVY. At least to me! But he was encouraging and patient the entire time I was struggling to help him lift this giant metal thing. I would look over, see him straining because he obviously had more of the weight on him, and he would just say "You're doing great, babe" and tell me what to do next. The very next day, I had to rearrange something in my room and asked one of my roommates (who is male) to help me move my queen sized bed. We fought the entire time we moved it! I remember reading somewhere that if you ever want to see if a couple is truly compatible, have them build furniture together or something equally frustrating. My own dad even said that he should have known that him and my mom weren't going to work out (divorced long, long ago!) after they had to row together and they couldn't go a few feet in the water without blowing up at each other. Knowing that I had a man that was so good to me in times of stress was an amazing revelation. He's proven again and again since that day that he'll only continue to be a rock during those difficult times. We're compatible and that's that. But it's just a thousand little things about him that have won me over and continue to win me over every single day. Sappy, sappy!
O'Malley Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) He'd be embarrassed if he knew I was writing this about him, since I've never been a romanticist. We met via a mutual acquaintance at a concert; he lived out the area, but was visiting friends for a few days. I could sense his interest immediately, but he came across as introverted and hesitant to make an outright approach, so I asked him to come grab a bite to eat with me after the show ended. We had a great time simply hanging out -- we're both history buffs, love the same artists, and are into punk, metal, and industrial music. Due to the distance, I didn't think it would ever go anywhere, so we kept things platonic, despite being tempted. I socialized enough with some of his friends and acquaintances to know that they all thought highly of him. My initial impressions of him have never altered over the years; Ive always esteemed him and closer acquaintance has increased those feelings. We kept in touch as friends for well over a year; during that period he visited his friends again and then specifically came to visit me. It had been fairly obvious that we both wanted more than friendship. I introduced him to my strict as hell mother and older sister -- the litmus test-- and they liked him as well (it's no easy feat winning them over). He ended up moving to the city nearest to where I reside, and we've been together since then. Edited December 13, 2011 by O'Malley
ThaWholigan Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 This is my favorite thread since joining . Brings out the soppy romantic git in me
Pizzaman81 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Thank you for this thread. Much better than the "All women are evil and I have angst out of my ears" type threads :bunny:
Arasae Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 My guy won me over by being totally open, honest, passionate and committed towards me from the moment we started being romantic. This for me, too! But before we had our first official date, I was smitten. Here was this passionate intellectual with stunning blue eyes and blond hair (just my "type") to boot--and he was/is the best person I had ever met in my life. I have always admired him in his unwavering integrity, dedication to his profession, and dry wit. Add all that to the fact that he was forbidden fruit, and he was irresistible. When we started dating, everything was just so easy... There were no games, no uncertainties, and no tears--only warmth and butterflies. He called when he said he would, was consistently reliable, and never left me in the dark about how he was feeling or what was going on in his life. We saw each other exactly how often we wanted to--all the time. There was never any guesswork. He always made time for me. When his family encountered crisis after crisis this past summer, I knew I was not his number one priority, but he still made a point to make sure I knew I was loved. He won me over by being a wonderful person and exhibiting a kind and dedicated character. No games, no anxieties, no stress. And although I'm not supposed to know this, my mom accidentally informed me that he's asked my parents for their permission to marry me! :)
FitChick Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 He called when he said he would; he showed up for a date when he said he would; he asked what my preferences were for various things; he was thoughtful, considerate, generous, aimed to please.
lululucy Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Slightly less romantic version coming up -- I was at a social (a fundraising party) for a rugby team back in July. I was having an awful night (my friends had all hooked up with guys immediately and it seemed like nobody was interested) so I was going to leave. One of my friend's told the guy she was talking to and he told me to wait until I at least met his friend. I met him, he was freaking GORGEOUS and my immediate thought was "Yeah, way out of my league". I was polite, and then went to leave. He ran after me, told me that I was the most beautiful girl there and asked if I'd go watch the naked rugby game going on outside with him. Long story short, we slept together in his car and then later in a field, he drove me home and we have talked every day since then. He won me over by just being really sweet and genuine -- I never thought for a second it would be anything more than a (freaking amazing) one night stand and he was so wonderful to me every time I talked to him. He just does the little things that make me feel so loved and protected; last night, watching the Fourth Kind, he would put his arm around me and hug me tighter every time he knew something scary was coming up just because I am so easily scared. And when I told him I had thought he was out of my league, his reply was "I still think you're out of mine". I'm smitten.
in_absentia Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 When we started dating, everything was just so easy... There were no games, no uncertainties, and no tears--only warmth and butterflies. He called when he said he would, was consistently reliable, and never left me in the dark about how he was feeling or what was going on in his life. Exactly... there were no games. I don't think I would have had the time or inclination to play them even if he had wanted to, but thankfully he didn't. A month after we got together he had a baptism of fire meeting all of my family for the first time round the bedside of of my mum as she died and he handled it so well. A situation like that will make or break a brand new couple. I'm just glad he got to speak to her a few times while she was alive, if we're together for the rest of our lives at least I know he knew a bit of her and can talk to our kids about her, as opposed to meeting a new guy who can only go by my memories, not what he saw firsthand. Seems a lot of us appreciate this straight forward, consistent and loving approach to the mind games and 'constant state of anxiety' that other people on the board seem to recommend. I don't wanna be with someone where I doubt their committment or how much they love me, I'm worth more than that.
UpDownAllAround Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 This is a great thread. Very refreshing. Keep these posts coming please!!! :bunny:
delilah123 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 My guy was interesting and funny to talk to you. He always had time for me and I'd always catch him looking at me from across the room. I think a lot of guys here would benefit from reading here that long term lasting relationships actually form from mutual respect, interest and "like" becoming love. Not from pretending you find a girl Ugly and boring...
Els Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Awww, I love this thread, OP. I've been with the bf for over 3.5 years now. We were initially acquaintances in college. I found him intriguing, but we each had partners during that time so everything was kept platonic and at a distance. Fast forward about a year, he'd gone on to further his studies in another country, and we were both single at that point. We started talking a lot, often from night til sunrise, then progressed to exchanging our deepest secrets and thoughts. He was incredibly supportive, tutoring me for hours at a time and making charts to assist me, waking up in the middle of the night to call me to ensure I was up for an exam, sending me little gifts in the mail. Ah, the wonders of the honeymoon phase. It still makes me smile to recall them. As soon as he could, 6 months later, he flew several thousand miles to see me. The ensuing few weeks was like a trip to heaven, it really was. He lavished romance and pleasures on me, never holding back as long as it was within his capability. What happens next is beyond the scope of the OP's question. We went through some dark times after the honeymoon phase dissipated, had to work on some issues, but eventually managed to iron things out. I moved to be with him (for other reasons as well, he lives in a better country) 1.5 years ago, and we have been living together for the past 1 year, quite happily. Did he use PUA tactics on me? Certainly not, though he confessed that he had liked me from the first time he saw me, and a lot of what he said and did later on was not so much a natural development (since he already liked me), but 'planned to entice me', in a way. I suppose you could call that PUA, but he did not use any of those crappy 'jerk tactics' thrown across PUA boards. Rather, he tried to figure out what I liked, what made me tick, and strategically tailored his approach to it. It certainly worked. 1
Author Janesays Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I'm glad everyone is enjoying the thread! I don't know....after my divorce, I went on A LOT of dates. I'm in my early 30's with no children, so I didn't feel like I had a lot of time. There were weeks I went on 7-8 first dates. And I always felt like I was being vaguely manipulated. For example, I would go out on what I thought was a very great first date.....only to not hear a word, not a peep, nothing from the guy for three days. Finally, he'd call me up and say, "So....what are you doing Friday night?" Well, duh. I'm going on a date with someone else. I thought you weren't interested. Compare that to my current guy who has literally texted/called/emailed/contacted me in some way or another every single day since our first date. I'd go out with guys who would 'playfully insult' me on our first date and I couldn't help but to stare at them blankly and and think, "Did you seriously just freaking 'neg' me?" Compare that to my current guy who called me 'beautiful' and 'brilliant' on our first date and every day after. I'd go out with guys who would suggest coming over to 'watch a movie' for a first date or who attempted to turn a first kiss into a roll in the hay.... ...and then along comes my current guy who says, 'waiting for whatever to happen whenever it happens is no big deal to me.' (By the way, I now sex this boy up MULTIPLE times a day! ) And it's not like I am one to play games, either. In fact, I remember going on a second date with one guy who was still clearly nervous to be with me. So I said, "You're nervous, aren't you?" And he admitted he was. I replied, "Don't be. I like you. I think you're attractive, smart, and fun to be around. Seriously, I already like you. So there is nothing to be nervous about. Let's just have fun, ok?" He breathed a sigh of relief and we had a good time. (This guy ended up getting transferred out of state shortly after that, but we're still friends!) The bottom line is my current guy has never been anything but loving and respectful towards me from the get go. He has never tried to manipulate me or play any weirdo kiddie games with me. He's always been honest, up front, confident. And that, along with a bunch of other characteristics, puts him in a higher class of men. He is truly what I would call 'high value.'
GoodOnPaper Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 For example, I would go out on what I thought was a very great first date.....only to not hear a word, not a peep, nothing from the guy for three days. Finally, he'd call me up and say, "So....what are you doing Friday night?" Well, duh. I'm going on a date with someone else. I thought you weren't interested. Compare that to my current guy who has literally texted/called/emailed/contacted me in some way or another every single day since our first date. I think there are very few guys who wouldn't want to be able to let their guard down, actually be straightforward about their feelings, and shower the woman they are interested in with constant affection and compliments as you describe. The problem is that many of us learned in our teens and early 20s that this is a recipe for constant rejection and embarrassment. Instead of the positive responses you and the other posters gave to your SOs, we received messages of being "boring", "nerdy", "clingy", "awkward", "ugly", "not enough of a challenge", etc. So if you want to send a message to the guys who have gone off the deep end in the other direction, then the real question to answer is not what your SOs did to win you over, but what was it about your SO that made you receptive to all the attention he could give you without the games and is it possible for a "regular" guy to be that to a woman that he would also be attracted to?
runner Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Seems a lot of us appreciate this straight forward, consistent and loving approach to the mind games and 'constant state of anxiety' that other people on the board seem to recommend. I don't wanna be with someone where I doubt their committment or how much they love me, I'm worth more than that. that's cos it works. the whole PUA nonsense is premised on 'fake it til you make it', and it doesn't help you once the faking is over. at the end of the day, you truly have to be a great guy; and simply being genuine from beginning to end is the best way. 1
Arasae Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 what was it about your SO that made you receptive to all the attention he could give you without the games and is it possible for a "regular" guy to be that to a woman that he would also be attracted to? 1) He was genuinely a good person. Now, I'm not talking "a good person to date" in the LS sense; it was the sincere and upstanding content of his character that drew me. Not his job (he works in a field notorious for being underpaid), his car (from 2001, nothing fancy), or muscles (my man is a runner, so he is SKINNY). According to some on LS, he is lacking things men."need" to get women. They are wrong; it is his passion toward his job that I adore and his dedication to maintaining himself and his car that attracted me rather than his "flashy stuff." He is a pillar of integrity. 2) He wasn't bitter. Bf has not been especially lucky in love. He's had some atrocious experiences with women that would have embittered ME if I had gone through them (he's a better person than I), but he didn't treat me as "one of them" on our first date or ever complain about them. Every woman BF dated was a new woman with new potential. He stated on our first date that he was "dating up" (which made me mad!) but he wasn't in awe of that opinion or inherently suspicious of me, either. He was matter-of-fact and respectful. It was clear that I was my own woman, independent of the nonsense other women have dragged him through. 3) He picked me. I'm not sure how to say this otherwise, but many guys pick women who aren't very bright, who want bad boys, who are nasty, and they LOOK it. You really can tell which girls are like that by the way they dress, their make up style, and the way they carry themselves. It's the difference between Megan Fox and Mandy Moore. Both women are attractive, but one is a stuck up airhead. Or, using the same person, it's the difference between Angelina Jolie in her Billy Bob Thornton days vs. now. Sure, she's not a perfect example, but she is much more wholesome now AND YOU CAN SEE THE DIFFERENCE. I'm hot (and modest ;}), but it's clear from even looking at me that I'm not a shallow b-----. So that's it, in a nut shell. The most important thing is to be a good person. Change, if you need to. Men who were given the brush off were all kind of sh---y people. One screamed at his puppy, several were inconsiderate, some loved themselves more than they could ever love anything else, some felt entitled to everything while having given nothing, and some were just plain mean (belittling, rude to the waiter, nasty about ex girlfriends). If these little character flaws emerge repeatedly over the course of a first date, they are indicative of worse. No one is perfect, but the ones I mentioned are the ones I look for and flag. Consistent, good character is what I hear, time and again, from all of my long-term partnered friends. 1
Els Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 that's cos it works. the whole PUA nonsense is premised on 'fake it til you make it', and it doesn't help you once the faking is over. at the end of the day, you truly have to be a great guy; and simply being genuine from beginning to end is the best way. Very apt and true I think there are very few guys who wouldn't want to be able to let their guard down, actually be straightforward about their feelings, and shower the woman they are interested in with constant affection and compliments as you describe. The problem is that many of us learned in our teens and early 20s that this is a recipe for constant rejection and embarrassment. Instead of the positive responses you and the other posters gave to your SOs, we received messages of being "boring", "nerdy", "clingy", "awkward", "ugly", "not enough of a challenge", etc. So if you want to send a message to the guys who have gone off the deep end in the other direction, then the real question to answer is not what your SOs did to win you over, but what was it about your SO that made you receptive to all the attention he could give you without the games and is it possible for a "regular" guy to be that to a woman that he would also be attracted to? Firstly, there are girls who indeed do not enjoy a good guy. If you constantly encounter such girls, perhaps you might want to reconsider the type of girl you go for. Secondly, there is a HUGE difference between being clingy and being consistent. You don't need to leave days between communication, or turn up late for dates, or any of that crap. But you should indeed refrain from sending multiple unanswered texts, persistently asking her where she is and what she is doing, etc. Which is what I see many guys here as guilty of.
fortyninethousand322 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I think there are very few guys who wouldn't want to be able to let their guard down, actually be straightforward about their feelings, and shower the woman they are interested in with constant affection and compliments as you describe. The problem is that many of us learned in our teens and early 20s that this is a recipe for constant rejection and embarrassment. Instead of the positive responses you and the other posters gave to your SOs, we received messages of being "boring", "nerdy", "clingy", "awkward", "ugly", "not enough of a challenge", etc. So if you want to send a message to the guys who have gone off the deep end in the other direction, then the real question to answer is not what your SOs did to win you over, but what was it about your SO that made you receptive to all the attention he could give you without the games and is it possible for a "regular" guy to be that to a woman that he would also be attracted to? Absolutely right. This is one of the hardest things that a man (uniquely) has to deal with. We're expected to be "assertive" but not "clingy". Appear "interested" but not "desperate". And if we fail to find the right balance, we're told we were going after the wrong kinds of women. Well, what exactly is the right kind of woman? It would be very helpful if they would wear an identifying t-shirt or label of some kind. Because looking for the "right" woman is a bit like looking for a needle in a stack of needles. And people wonder why men get bitter.
wildgeese Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Absolutely right. This is one of the hardest things that a man (uniquely) has to deal with. We're expected to be "assertive" but not "clingy". Appear "interested" but not "desperate". And if we fail to find the right balance, we're told we were going after the wrong kinds of women. Well, what exactly is the right kind of woman? It would be very helpful if they would wear an identifying t-shirt or label of some kind. Because looking for the "right" woman is a bit like looking for a needle in a stack of needles. And people wonder why men get bitter. I'm not sure that figuring out the right kind of woman is so hard. I live with two guys and they are always coming home complaining about some new drama with the girl they are seeing. When if they just stepped back and looked at how these girls behaved and what their reputations were (more difficult in a larger town, I know), then they would clearly see that they weren't the best girlfriend material. But instead they continue to pursue a couple of dead-ends and then constantly bitch about it. Can men really not differentiate between intelligent conversation or fluff, modest but appealing dress or dress meant for show, and pleasant/fun-loving attitudes versus game-playing? It really isn't that hard to look out in a crowd and see which girl is more girlfriend material than the other. I think guys are just immediately going for their "type" or going for the easier conquest and then becoming confused when it blows up in their face.
fortyninethousand322 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I'm not sure that figuring out the right kind of woman is so hard. I live with two guys and they are always coming home complaining about some new drama with the girl they are seeing. When if they just stepped back and looked at how these girls behaved and what their reputations were (more difficult in a larger town, I know), then they would clearly see that they weren't the best girlfriend material. But instead they continue to pursue a couple of dead-ends and then constantly bitch about it. Can men really not differentiate between intelligent conversation or fluff, modest but appealing dress or dress meant for show, and pleasant/fun-loving attitudes versus game-playing? It really isn't that hard to look out in a crowd and see which girl is more girlfriend material than the other. I think guys are just immediately going for their "type" or going for the easier conquest and then becoming confused when it blows up in their face. But see, it's really not that easy. I always go for women who are a bit "nerdy/wonkish", you know the type that likes to talk about global affairs or economics or public policy. The kind that would rather watch a fascinating documentary than Dancing with the Stars. And all of them were modestly dressed, seemingly nice/pleasant, "good" girls. And yet, I still have a hard time finding that "balance" that I was talking about, and always had to essentially play a "game". It would really be nice if women who acted or dressed a certain way were the "right kind of women". But really, looks and appearances can be very deceiving.
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