chelle21689 Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 This can be about family and friends not just significant others. I am frustrated because I don’t know what love truly is. I guess in my terms it is sacrificing yourself for someone’s safety, if they were to die you’d be really hurt, something along those lines. But then again a lot of policemen, soldiers, and firefighters put their lives on line for the safety of other people. But that doesn’t mean they love that person right? I question if I love my oldest sister because I don’t know her that well. All my life it’s as if we’ve been acquaintances and there’s not really a connection and it’s weird talking to her. I care for her safety, I don’t want her doing bad, but then again I don’t want anybody to do bad even if I’m not close to them…. I question if I love my current boyfriend because I don’t miss him like crazy like I did my ex when we’re apart, I don’t think about him like crazy like I did my ex, but with my ex I wasn’t happy. He didn’t make me happy. My current boyfriend makes me a lot happier and makes my life better so why is it hard for me to realize whether I love him or not? I don’t know why it was easy to realize I love my ex at that time when he hurt me, made me upset 85% of the time, and I was obsessed and craving for his attention because he didn’t give me any really. I don’t think that if you love someone it necessarily means you’d do anything for them. Like this scene from “The Good Son” where the mother ends up having her son and her nephew hanging by a cliff and she has to make a decision. Her son tried to kill her and she didn’t want him to die and she let him go and saved her nephew. She loved her son and was deeply hurt and distraught at what she’d done. Again, I honestly dont’ know if I would really die for anyone. I’m not saying that to be cold blooded but so many people say the things they mean and will do but when that time comes at that moment their actions don’t meet what they say. You never know how you’d feel/react until you are in that situation! I mean if you ask me would I die for someone I love I’d say yes but that means nothing until I actually take that action when that time comes. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 My data point from a lifetime of both paths is, when I love someone, they're in my mind constantly, though not necessary at the forefront of my thoughts, but rather as a tape of emotional memories running in the background. Hence, I might think of them when I see something, hear something, smell something, etc, which reminds me of those memories. A person I care a lot about is someone with whom I have a healthy and generally long-lived relationship and most or all of the externals are the same, but that tape isn't constantly running, rather more situational. There is more thought (meaning cognition) involved. My marriage taught me a lot about the distinctions. It helped me define the parameters of what 'thinking a relationship' is, relevant to an intimate marital relationship. Regarding 'dying' for someone you love, IMO that's a decision that can only be made in real time. Talk is one thing but actually stepping in front of the bullet is completely different. It's really hard to know with certainty, in advance, how something like that would go down. In retrospect, if one chooses to do so, then the result won't matter, since one will be dead, hopefully with the knowledge, even if for the briefest moment, that they saved another. I like to say I'd take that bullet, but have no holes in me so I don't really know for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I question if I love my current boyfriend because I don’t miss him like crazy like I did my ex when we’re apart, I don’t think about him like crazy like I did my ex, but with my ex I wasn’t happy. He didn’t make me happy. My current boyfriend makes me a lot happier and makes my life better so why is it hard for me to realize whether I love him or not? I don’t know why it was easy to realize I love my ex at that time when he hurt me, made me upset 85% of the time, and I was obsessed and craving for his attention because he didn’t give me any really. All that missing and thinking and craving you had for your ex that you confused with love was really mostly the anxiety and uncertainty he created by being unavailable to you. I'm sure there were times every now and then when he did make you feel special, and that intermittent validation and positive reinforcement was what you craved, all the more so because it was rare. That is what made it exciting. Love is not stressful and anxiety inducing like that - it is far more peaceful and calm - you feel stronger for it, not weaker and anxious. Loving people is a verb - it's about giving and loving actions. The more you give of yourself in a love relationship, the more love you grow together and the more love you have in your life. If you feel disconnected with your sister, give more of yourself to that relationship and create connections with her. Call her more often and start talking to her about what is going on in your life. Spend more time with her, get to know her better. The more you act in a loving way, the more likely she will reciprocate and you will grow a bond that isn't there now. Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Yeah... everything is just a "claim" until it's tested... and even when it's tested and solidified within a moment, it can still change... Love is a difficult source to put into words. There are a myriad of definitions of what love truly is. It can take multiple forms... it can be intensely deep or soft and light and everything in between. It will likely be a little different within every relationship. Ultimately it is an affection for something or someone that develops into an attachment and an appreciation. It's an experience, a mind-set, a feeling, (a "living thing" as some wise man once told me ) ... but above all, it is a choice. I would say the difference between caring about something or someone and loving them is the foundation of what they come from. Love involves caring, but caring doesn't have to involve love (it generally involves self). Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Can you honestly say you love all your brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, whoever is immediate family? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I have no immediate family but, yeah, I did love my mom a lot and demonstrated it while she was demented until her death. Those 'tapes' still run every day in the background and I'll experience something and say a quiet thank you to her for the valuable life she gave me. When I was married, I loved my wife in the same way until overwhelming evidence provided that such wasn't a mutual experience. Now I love my cat Link to post Share on other sites
Author chelle21689 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Love is not stressful and anxiety inducing like that - it is far more peaceful and calm - you feel stronger for it, not weaker and anxious. I feel peaceful with my bf. I felt anxiety with my bf. When you said the times I felt his attention because it was rare made it more exciting and great was true...because I never had my ex's attention. I had to fight for it. My current bf gives me so much attention LOL. One time...the thought of him with someone else (even in the past) hurt to think about. I wonder if that's a step. For a long while I have been thinking I may love him but I want to be sure and not say it...at least yet I care for my sis, I don't know if I'd do anything in the world for her but I would help her out as much as I can and I wouldn't do that with just anyone! Same goes with the bf. I did anything for my ex and that just f***ed me over in the end...so never again with that crap. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Can you honestly say you love all your brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, whoever is immediate family? I can't. I have a "generic" care for everyone. Even monsters --- a lot of that care has an intrinsic core pertaining to what I believe is right. It is independent of individuality and "identity"... those things are irrelevant. I believe it's good to strive to harbor a goodwill towards everyone... (even though I HAVE struggled with that through-out my life ). But I "love" very few people... maybe as time continues to transpire I will see things differently... but as it stands, I can't say that my definition of loves extends to a legion of people ... there are many people in my family with whom I do not "love". Link to post Share on other sites
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I have no immediate family but, yeah, I did love my mom a lot and demonstrated it while she was demented until her death. Those 'tapes' still run every day in the background and I'll experience something and say a quiet thank you to her for the valuable life she gave me. When I was married, I loved my wife in the same way until overwhelming evidence provided that such wasn't a mutual experience. Now I love my cat Aw, well at least your love is going somewhere... Link to post Share on other sites
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