Stages of the grieving process

[sunflower11]

I signed up for the NC email on the Baggage Reclaim website and I got some interesting emails on the stages of the grieving process that I've decided to post here as they were useful for me cause I realized what I was feeling was totally normal and I wasn't going all crazy (I couldn't find them anywhere on the website so that's why I am posting them, I don't own them, just wanted to share the knowledge). So here they are for anyone who cares to read them. I've also realized it is not a linear progression and while I know I m in the depression stage, I do tend to feel angry sometimes as well. Which is totally ok!

 

Denial

 

This stage starts from before NC has started and is likely to last until at least the first month of NC and you'll likely start to come out of it in the second month. You may come out of it sooner or later depending on how much you get behind your decision and accept the reality. You may sometimes slip back into this phase once you've moved beyond it.

 

This starts with struggling to believe that this is really happening to you. You may have been in this stage since before you broke up and/or initiated NC. It's knowing that something is wrong but not being able to admit to yourself exactly what is going on. You want to believe it isn't so. You'll hope that it's an off day, week, month, or year - a rough patch. If you've broken up before, it's that reluctance to admit that this is not the type of relationship where you can stay friends immediately or that reluctance to admit that you are too raw to maintain contact. It's also that reluctance to admit that no matter what, this relationship isn't working and you're in fact, incompatible.

 

When you start NC it's struggling to believe that they are and the situation is, all of the reasons that have led you to making your decision to cut contact.

 

If you are in denial about how serious the issues are in your relationship, you may flip flap in indecision about NC and be tempted to fall off the wagon.

 

If you're in denial about the relationship being well and truly over, you may undermine your own NC efforts by quietly or openly seeking validation from them so you don't feel rejected and so that you can keep the relationship alive.

 

Why do we suffer with denial?

 

It's a natural reaction and acts as a self-protective measure, because it numbs you from the full extent of the pain so that you don't feel the full pain of the loss, it gives the quiet fantasies some hope, and in all honesty, if we felt the full loss immediately, we just might not get up and do stuff like go to work, see our friends, live our lives etc.

 

However, if you have a tendency to engage in denial in your relationships and live off illusions, this is where being in denial will get you into trouble. While you experience it as a natural part of grieving the loss of a relationship, if you remain in denial rather than working your way through the loss, you'll get trapped in your feelings and likely undermine your own efforts at NC.

 

When you get trapped in your feelings it's like 'I can't believe that they rejected me' and 'I can't believe it's over for good' or 'I can't believe they don't see how good we could have been together' and other such trappings.

 

If you've ever been in denial in a relationship then you'll know that at some point, reality bites and it's extremely painful, not least because when we deny the reality of the situation and a person, we may open ourselves up to very unhealthy situations that bust our boundaries.

 

While you're NC, even though you will go through a phase of denial, if you're focused on yourself and working your way through the loss, you will find that any denying that you're doing may help you to process the loss of the relationship a step at a time - bit like giving yourself what you can handle a chunk at a time. Don't give yourself too hard a time about it, especially if you are making genuine efforts to stick to NC and move your life along.

 

If you are however finding that you're getting stuck in a damaging cycle of behaviour and that you're even acting on your feelings of rejection and engaging in at best, embarrassing and at worst humiliating behaviour, it's time to take off the fur coat of denial and get serious about your reality.

 

Keep a Feelings Diary which will help you keep track of realisations that you're making each day about yourself and about them. Keeping brief notes on how you feel on a day to day basis, will help to keep you in reality and acknowledge your feelings. It's also important to acknowledge that you have lost something and someone as it's an important part of your grieving process - acknowledgment.

 

In your feelings diary, noting your mood, whether there was a specific event or incident attached to that mood, anything that triggered a shift in your mood and any lessons learned or realisations made will not only help keep you grounded, but also help you understand patterns.

 

It also helps to make a list of thing that you're struggling to believe. For eg. I can't believe that someone would behave in this way in spite of everything I have done for them.

 

Then take that belief and remove the denial.

 

For eg. I can believe that someone can behave in this way in spite of everything I did for them because they did X, Y, Z when we were together and I never felt that they valued me. I shouldn't be surprised that this hasn't changed now that we're not together!

 

Anger

 

An emotion that you're likely veering in and out of after going through denial is is anger. This is the next stage in grieving after denial (discussed in my previous email) and it is likely to be anger you feel about your ex/the person you want to do NC with, and anger at yourself. If you're like a lot of people though, you may find it difficult to deal with anger.

 

You may find it easier to be angry with yourself rather than them which is when you get into blame and shame.

You may feel angry a lot of the time and find it difficult to move past it and end up being angry about the fact that you're angry.

You may be hijacked by your anger and act upon it, which may lead you into doing things that may cause you to feel embarrassed or even humiliated, which in turn will create a vicious cycle of anger.

 

Anger is actually a normal emotion and is a natural part of grieving the loss of your relationship. When you have been wronged or have done stuff that has not been in your own best interests, it is OK to be angry.

 

The key now is to work your way though the anger rather than rendering yourself immobile by being trapped in the anger. Until you let it out, it'll rattle around in your head, distorting your perception and perspective, and eating away at your sense of self. It won't just distort your perception and perspective about yourself, but also about them and others.

 

This is why I recommend writing out your anger with my Unsent Letter Guide because you can process how you feel, get a clearer head and really grieve the loss of your relationship for it's good, the bad, or even the ugly parts.

 

There are key reasons why you will feel angry:

 

Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because you were undervalued.

No Contact teaches you to value yourself.

 

Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because your trust has been abused.

No Contact distances you from the source of your pain and teaches you to trust yourself and have boundaries.

 

Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because you feel shame.

No Contact teaches you not take on blame and shame for other people's behaviour but to learn from it.

 

Feeling frustrated and unloved/uncared for and disrespected because you feel rejected.

No Contact, in distancing you from the source of your pain and getting you to focus on you and create boundaries, gets you to reject their behaviour.

 

f you don't want to spend a lot of time feeling angry, indignant, and screwed over, don't screw yourself over by having little or no boundaries. It doesn't work. You already know this.

 

Learn to say no and you'll discover the sky won't fall down. No is not a dirty word. You will simmer with burning resentment if you say yes to everything with the expectation that people will treat you better. Write down what you need to learn to say NO to - these are examples of boundaries.

 

Keep it real about the events and the people because you can be objective and move through your anger.

 

Deal with your fears. Whatever you're afraid of, what you do already know is that doing the same things will continue to make you realise your fears. Get them in proportion, don't let them rule you and drive your relationships because it's a big wrecking ball.

 

Ask yourself what you would do if you were to continue to stay angry. When I was NC and asked myself this, I couldn't think of an answer. It occurred to me I'd probably think about being angry and wonder if the other person would see the light and yada, yada, yada, and I realised that I wouldn't be doing anything other than stewing in my own anger.

 

Ask yourself: 'If I'm going to stay angry, what am I going to do?'

 

Accept what has happened so that you can accept your anger and come out of the other side of it. You could fritter away the rest of your days being annoyed and wanting the person you're doing NC on to change but you're trying to control the uncontrollable. Remember - they have their own comfort zone and what you'd like them to be would take them out of that, and clearly they've resisted.

 

You will continue to feel angry with this person who has disappointed you if you keep expecting them to do differently to what they have consistently done. I wouldn't bank on NC making them see the light.

 

Most of all, forgive yourself. That means letting go instead of obsessing and getting stuck. If you start being a doer - the whole point of NC - you'll start to see that you're doing good by yourself, which makes it a hell of a lot easier to let go of whatever has happened and forgive yourself.

 

Break the cycle of your anger - deal with your fears, learn to confront situations that make you angry so that you don't feel powerless and berate yourself and lower your self-esteem. Holding onto and getting stuck in anger is stopping you from embracing your more positive self and we all have one in there that we need to nurture so we can welcome the good in our life.

 

Bargaining

 

Bargaining is actually something that you will have started experiencing pretty much as soon as it became apparent that the relationship wasn't going to work out and it's where you make deals and come up with compromises, either privately in your head or with the other person.

 

You may have bargained with whoever you believe in, with yourself, or even with them. You may have prayed that if X happens that you'll do Y.

 

You'll have come up with a compromise to prevent the relationship ending and it was probably a compromise that had you compromising yourself. e.g OK maybe I can try an open relationship if it means I can keep him.

 

You may have bargained with them and tried to negotiate yourself into a better position with them. e.g. I won't make any demands on you so that you stay.

 

When you have cut contact and experienced the denial and anger, at the times when you feel tempted to break NC, it's because you're bargaining with yourself or even with a higher power that you believe in. If you actually fall off the wagon, you will find yourself bargaining with either yourself or them, or both, and this will likely result in you being compromised.

 

he key to turning bargaining into something productive and moving beyond this stage, is to keep your feet in reality with a clear, real image of who the other person is, and make constructive deals with yourself.

 

When we are tempted to break contact, we're bargaining, but we make decisions in isolation often not based on reality but a remarkable set of circumstances that will need to come about if only the other party changes.

 

When the bargaining stage really kicks in during your grieving, it's when you are trapped by your feelings and trying to stem the feeling of the perceived rejection and the loss, by contemplating seeking attention from the source of your pain (them) so that you can feel less rejected and avoid working your way through the loss.

 

If you allow yourself to be hijacked by the bargaining stage, you will come up with deals and bargains that will allow you to have the relationship on any terms rather than on none at all, which is where you will end up being compromised, especially as you will end up doing things that not only detract from you but that while opening you up to pain, may also embarrass or even humiliate you.

 

E.g. I'd rather have him on any terms than be without him. Things could work out because I'll be more understanding and when I get back in touch with him, he'll be relieved to have me back, see the error of his ways, and we can make the relationship work.

 

Don't bargain with assumptions that you have no basis to make them from other than a wing and a prayer!

 

Some bargaining can allow you to see your way to a constructive solution but make sure it's a constructive solution that has a healthy, uncompromised you in it.

 

If you have to continue to have your boundaries busted and basically make a radical departure from who you are, you're bargaining yourself into pain.

 

The best type of bargain you can make with yourself, is something along the lines of:

 

You know what? I'm going to give myself 3 months where I'm totally focused on me and getting on with my own life and if I still feel a burning desire to be with them after that (you won't), I'll revisit the situation then.

 

But most of all, accept that like all of the other stages this stage too shall pass. Keep working your way through accepting the loss of the relationship and you won't act on any bad bargaining ideas.

 

Depression

 

After denial, anger, and bargaining, can come a very low point where you may feel depressed.

 

Depression is anger turned inwards and after you've been through the other stages and started to realise that the relationship is really is over, that no contact really is needed and the other person isn't going to change, that comprehension that this is it will cause us to feel very down.

 

Realising that whatever bargains that you make with yourself or with them that it's a waste of time can feel so disheartening because it means accepting that it is over and we may not feel like our hearts can cope with that just yet.

 

Even though NC allows you to regain your power and rebuild your life, you may feel depressed that you didn't have enough power to have them come crawling back on their hands and knees in remorse, to make them change their ways, or to even feel enough regret to try to break down your no contact walls.

 

You may feel so much pain at the loss of the relationship or still feel like you're drawn to them even if you're not acting upon it and it may feel depressing because you really wish you didn't feel like this.

 

Sometimes when you're NC you get depressed because realising it's been a month, or 6 weeks or many more months and that you still think about them frustrates you and you feel angry because you convince yourself that they must still matter and then you feel guilty that they still matter and get caught in a cycle of feeling that you're letting yourself down. I should add that sometimes the whole thinking about them is actually habit, not any real sign of feelings towards them! We can feel odd if we don't think about them all the time, much like people who grieve someone after they die and then feel weirded out that they're moving on.

 

We also get depressed because we feel rejected, because we're scared that they were our last chance saloon and that we'll never feel the way we did with them ever again. It's also depressing sometimes to still feel anxious about if and when they'll call.

 

This is totally normal. Don't use feeling down as a sign to beat yourself up further or to fall off the wagon and open yourself up to further pain. Use feeling down as an opportunity to put renewed efforts into taking care of yourself because you need it now.

 

It is totally OK to have down times whether they last a day, a few days, or even a few weeks. If your relationship was a lengthy one or quite traumatic, it may take months to work through - but you'll get there. If you take care of yourself and work your way through your feelings and at the same time don't get hijacked by them and throw yourself in the front line of pain with 'them', you will come out the other side.

 

Going NC on someone can feel pretty damn traumatic. Stop busting your own proverbial balls.

 

Don't try to shut out how you feel because you will internalize stuff even further and your feelings may spiral.

 

Admit whatever emotions you feel - good, bad and indifferent. Acknowledge the pain. Acknowledge what feels like waves of sadness. Tell somebody (not your ex) that you are feeling low and lean on your support system. Busy yourself so that you don't sit around trapped in your thoughts. But you know what - if you want to cry, CRY!

 

When I was NC, I realised that holding in my tears was bad for me. When I finally cried, I cried and I cried for everything probably but it felt damn good afterwards.

 

I said to myself and to my friends 'I'm feeling a bit low at the moment and I'm sure it's not going to last for ages, but I may need to hang out a little bit more.'

 

I also said 'If I talk about him, it's not because I want to get back together with him - I'm just acknowledging that he was a part of my life both good and bad because pretending he doesn't exist is futile'.

 

I cried, I vented, I talked, I laughed, I spent some time alone, I got busy, I looked at my list of exactly why I was NC to remind myself and I remembered the pain, and I didn't get nostalgic. Instead, I got out of the depression gradually and you will too.

 

This phase too shall pass.

 

Acceptance

 

Since you started receiving my emails about no contact, I've mentioned the word 'acceptance' many times and from the outset cautioned you to get behind your decision because if you don't and are half hearted about it or have gone into this with motives of triggering them coming back to you, you'll undermine your own efforts. I also regularly emphasise the importance of keeping it real, getting into reality, and letting go of any illusions you've been holding onto about the person or the relationship.

 

Why? Because our imaginations have a habit of romanticizing our involvements and when we couple that with having little or no boundaries or loving and trusting blindly, we become distanced from who that person really is, our involvement, and the risk we are undertaking in being with them.

 

During this period of no contact where you're very aware of the end of your relationship and a lot of your efforts are focused around making sure you don't get in touch with or accept contact from the source of your pain, you will find yourself moving back and forth between the various stages of grief but you will, if you remain committed to you and moving on with your life, get to and stay at acceptance.

 

Remember that moving back and forth amongst the stages is natural - it is your way of processing what has happened and digesting the reality.

 

Sometimes you'll resist it but eventually, especially when you realise that the illusions cause you more pain in the medium and long-term than any acceptance of reality, you will accept.

 

So How Do You Know When You're in Acceptance?

 

You'll stop trying to be The Good Girl or The Good Guy doing the right thing for them and instead doing the right thing for you.

 

You'll stop trying to be friends with them or making plans to be friends with them in the future.

 

You won't feel angry or sad whether it's towards you or them - you'll find yourself increasingly at peace. Period.

 

You'll stop wishing that things had been or were different.

 

You'll stop trying to rationalise the irrational.

 

You'll no longer want to fix things or wonder what it would be like to get them back and have the relationship that you wanted.

 

You won't blame them for everything because you'll be accountable for your own contribution and focusing on your own efforts to create better relationships.

 

You'll realize that despite your worries your worst fears haven't been realized, you're OK.

 

You'll accept the way that it ended and not worry about what coulda, woulda, shoulda happened.

 

You'll accept the relationship and realise it's OK. You're here, you have a different path in front of you, and because you've accepted, you have the power to adapt your love habits, create boundaries, love yourself, and create a better experience.

 

You won't be thinking of everything in terms of NC - you'll just be living your life.

 

This stage shall set you free. Accept that you will experience the other stages first.

[lolita jade]

This is a really good post. Thanks Sunflower