Why do I keep messing up first dates?

[I have no name]

I went on two first dates a couple of weeks ago with girls that were very interested in me. I know this because they both approached me at a bar and had been texting me constantly for several days up until our actual date. And neither of them was drunk when they approached me either, I'm pretty sure about this.

 

Anyways, so I go on what I thought was a nice date with each of these girls. Both dates were fun, the girls seemed pretty interested, showed some decent indicators of interest, there was lots of laughing and flirting and there was quite a bit of physical contact throughout the dates (mostly touching).

 

The one date ended with a small kiss while the other ended with a hug but I left both dates thinking that I would definitely be seeing these girls again. Unfortunately, I seem to have blown it because the one girl is completely ignoring my texts while the other one is responding occasionally but there is definitely a drop in interest on her part.

 

So my question is what could I have possibly have done on the first date to make two girls that were very interested in me, not ever want to see me again? The conversation was very good, they were laughing at my jokes and they were very flirty throughout the date. Was I not aggressive enough?

 

And the most frustrating part of this is that this seems to happen to me way too often. The only explanations I can think of are either I am not being assertive enough or that I give off too much of a "nice guy" vibe.

 

The only other explanation is that with the one girl, we talked a lot about religion. I know that's a big no-no on a first date but she was the one who kept asking about it so I don't know if that might be the reason for the disinterest.

 

Any thoughts or tips so this doesn't happen again?

 

Thanks

[Twos Company]

Doesn't sound to me like you 'messed up' the dates. It seems to me that the girls enjoyed your company, just not enough spark there perhaps for them to want to take it any further. I say this as I've had really good first dates but not been interested 'enough' to want to see them again, despite having a good time.

I think we all have a blueprint in mind, almost subconsciously, and we are seeking that one person to connect with. If it's not there then we lose interest and continue seeking this connection. Other people will carry on seeing someone with low levels of interest, I'm not one of these, I'd rather wait till I feel that 'something'.

So really, keep doing what you're doing, it'll happen for you sooner or later when the right one comes along.

[dasein]

In all likelihood, you didn't apply enough seduction. The facts of modern dating are that when a woman is assertive about getting a date with a particular guy today, she is usually ready for sex or at least a physically aggressive stance from the guy on the first date. You have a limited window to press emotional buttons, escalate physical contact, and then close for them to come back to your place or go to hers. She may decline, but expects that routine, and if you don't provide it, her attraction will drop. Watch the movie "Crazy Stupid Love" for a fairly realistic view of how things work today. Most women today have had so many sex partners and so many ONS/NSA/FWBs that your not being that way right off the bat is a subtextual insult to their sexually impulsive habits. The choices you have are to either be more assertive or prescreen women for the very very few less sexually impulsive/active ones out there. They used to say "go to church" but that's no guarantee of getting a relatively chaste woman today.

[TigerCub]

What did the dates involve?

What did you do?

 

As for being assertive and all that - I dunno, I've dated a few guys that didn't kiss me till the 2nd or 3rd date - it was sweet and it was different and obviously we went out for the 2nd and 3rd dates for me to find that out

so - don't just assume that it was the not being so assertive stuff.

 

the "nice guy vibe" ?- I think guys are driving themselves insane because they think "nice guy vs. bad boy" "alpha vs. beta", etc...

what would have made you a "nice guy"? and what's wrong with being a nice guy? Not all girls want *******s. Don't drive yourself crazy with that ****.

 

Just be polite, be funny, easy going - girls like that ( a lot do anyways)

[I have no name]

Doesn't sound to me like you 'messed up' the dates. It seems to me that the girls enjoyed your company, just not enough spark there perhaps for them to want to take it any further. I say this as I've had really good first dates but not been interested 'enough' to want to see them again, despite having a good time.

I think we all have a blueprint in mind, almost subconsciously, and we are seeking that one person to connect with. If it's not there then we lose interest and continue seeking this connection. Other people will carry on seeing someone with low levels of interest, I'm not one of these, I'd rather wait till I feel that 'something'.

So really, keep doing what you're doing, it'll happen for you sooner or later when the right one comes along.

 

Thanks for the advice, that makes a lot of sense. I'm just really confused as to why this is happening so often to me. I really start to overanalyze and look for every little reason as to why they don't want to see me again. For example, on the one date, I didn't shave so who knows, that might have turned her off. I'm just trying to figure out the problem so I can correct it but I guess we just didn't click as much as I thought we did.

[I have no name]

In all likelihood, you didn't apply enough seduction. The facts of modern dating are that when a woman is assertive about getting a date with a particular guy today, she is usually ready for sex or at least a physically aggressive stance from the guy on the first date. You have a limited window to press emotional buttons, escalate physical contact, and then close for them to come back to your place or go to hers. She may decline, but expects that routine, and if you don't provide it, her attraction will drop. Watch the movie "Crazy Stupid Love" for a fairly realistic view of how things work today. Most women today have had so many sex partners and so many ONS/NSA/FWBs that your not being that way right off the bat is a subtextual insult to their sexually impulsive habits. The choices you have are to either be more assertive or prescreen women for the very very few less sexually impulsive/active ones out there. They used to say "go to church" but that's no guarantee of getting a relatively chaste woman today.

 

I see what you're saying but I don't think that these girls were looking for sex on the first date. In both cases, I offered to drive them but they preferred to just meet there. That tells me that they weren't exactly looking for sex. But I probably should have escalated the physical contact regardless. Sometimes I play it too safe in fear of messing things up.

[I have no name]

What did the dates involve?

What did you do?

 

As for being assertive and all that - I dunno, I've dated a few guys that didn't kiss me till the 2nd or 3rd date - it was sweet and it was different and obviously we went out for the 2nd and 3rd dates for me to find that out

so - don't just assume that it was the not being so assertive stuff.

 

the "nice guy vibe" ?- I think guys are driving themselves insane because they think "nice guy vs. bad boy" "alpha vs. beta", etc...

what would have made you a "nice guy"? and what's wrong with being a nice guy? Not all girls want *******s. Don't drive yourself crazy with that ****.

 

Just be polite, be funny, easy going - girls like that ( a lot do anyways)

 

The one date involved going for drinks followed by going to a cafe for ice cream. The other one was bowling followed by drinks. Both were quite relaxed and casual but really fun and not awkward at all.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a nice guy. Especially since I'm not being fake, I'm just being myself. But sometimes I feel like that might be what's holding me back.

 

Thanks for the advice, very helpful!