Celestine Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 It looks like I'll be celebrating New Year's Eve with the guy I have been dating for 3 months and his other girl. Long story, short version: I care too much about him to continue in a situation where I'm just an option to him. Especially since he creates a massive game out of it, jumping from her to me back and forth during just one night of party. On top of that, I made a very stupid mistake this past weekend, I slept with a friend of mine who I know has feelings for me. I'm really not proud of that, I wasn't even drunk, I just wanted the comfort. I like him but he made it pretty clear that he wants more and I'm still very confused from my thing with the first guy. This friend of mine is also attending our party. He doesn't know the other guy and has never seen him, nor did I ever tell him about my thing with the first guy. Well, I know it's New Year's Eve, there is going to be too much alcohol and I'm scared it will turn into a dramatic disaster. I'd like to attend some other party but really these people are my closest friends, my options for that day are just acquaintances. I'm even thinking about talking to both guys beforehand to clarify things and talk about how to behave that night. Do you think that'd be a good idea?
smudge21 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I think you need to look a bit at yourself first - if alcohol is all it takes to jump in the sack with one guy whilst actually having feelings for another, then maybe consider not drinking that much this New Year. That said, I do reckon you're putting too much pressure into one event. You clearly have a serious relationship thing to sort out here and it's not going to get sorted at a drunken get together. You need to take the time from now until then to decide on what it is you really want. It sounds like this guy you want is as undecided as you are, so if you do want more, then talk to him beforehand. The other guy, your current one night affair, you need to end that. Sadly sleeping with him will have given him hope of something more. I don't envy the situation you're in but you can sort it if you take charge of it... and watch the alcohol intake.
Author Celestine Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I think you need to look a bit at yourself first - if alcohol is all it takes to jump in the sack with one guy whilst actually having feelings for another, then maybe consider not drinking that much this New Year. First of all, thanks for your input. You see the scary thing is, I was not drunk at all. I had one drink and I fully conscious of everything I did. That makes this even worse, I know..
Nexus One Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) In my opinion you cheated on the guy you're dating and at the same time the guy you f*cked doesn't know about the guy you're dating. You behaved like a female version of a player in my opinion, as you played both guys. And now you're afraid sh*t will hit the fan. My advice, yes, explain it to both of them. Explain to the guy you're dating that you slept with another man. You should do it for ethical reasons and decency and also explain to him that the guy you f*cked doesn't know anything about your dating situation, that way you at least take some volatility out of the situation. Explain yourself to the other guy also. In my opinion you should self-reflect on your behavior. If you're afraid of the consequences of your behavior/actions, then perhaps that tells you something about the nature of what you're doing. Edited December 12, 2011 by Nexus One
Author Celestine Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 You cheated on the guy you're dating and at the same time the guy you f*cked doesn't know about the guy you're dating. You behaved like a female version of a player in my opinion, as you played both guys. And now you're afraid sh*t will hit the fan. My advice, yes, explain it to both of them. Explain to the guy you're dating that you slept with another man. You should do it for ethical reasons and decency and also explain to him that the guy you f*cked doesn't know anything about your dating situation, that way you at least take some volatility out of the situation. Explain yourself to the other guy also. Perhaps you should self-reflect on your behavior. If you're afraid of the consequences of your behavior, then perhaps that tells you something about the nature of what you're doing. Wait, I didn't cheat on that guy. I'm no longer dating him and even then, it was casual. I realize me sleeping with my friend was a crappy thing to do knowing that he has feelings for me.
Nexus One Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Wait, I didn't cheat on that guy. I'm no longer dating him and even then, it was casual. I realize me sleeping with my friend was a crappy thing to do knowing that he has feelings for me. In your initial post you didn't say you were no longer dating him, hence my previous reply. Well that changes the situation then. But then I don't understand what you're worried about exactly.
somedude81 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 So you were dating a guy, but that ended and he got a new girl. Then you slept with a guy friend who likes you and you weren't drunk. Have you considered not going somewhere with the old guy & his girl and just be with the "new" guy?
Author Celestine Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 So you were dating a guy, but that ended and he got a new girl. Then you slept with a guy friend who likes you and you weren't drunk. Have you considered not going somewhere with the old guy & his girl and just be with the "new" guy? No I haven't and I won't. Because I'm not dating the old guy anymore, doesn't mean we're going to hook up in future. He already had the new girl when I was still dating him. That's probably not healthy but it's my last two months of university life. Anyways, I won't just be with the new guy because my heart and body prefer having sex with the first guy and I would be comparing all the time and that's certainly not fair.
somedude81 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 So you prefer being with the old guy, even though he has another girl??
Jynxx Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 In your initial post you didn't say you were no longer dating him, hence my previous reply. Well that changes the situation then. But then I don't understand what you're worried about exactly. Wait, isn't what you thought she did basically "multidating" which I've never encountered here but seems to be all the hype in the US? If it is, why is it cheating then?
Author Celestine Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 So you prefer being with the old guy, even though he has another girl?? I'm not with him, I might just be sleeping with him. My does that sound shallow... but it somehow feels good
somedude81 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I'm not with him, I might just be sleeping with him. My does that sound shallow... but it somehow feels good Sure, maybe you can have a threesome with him and his new girl. I'm sure he'd love that. So yeah, drink plenty.
Stung Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Yes, I would talk to both of them beforehand, but not necessarily because of this NYE party--rather, because you are confused and really need to sort this situation out, as it is running away with you. You have feelings for Guy 1, and you are still sleeping with him on and off and enjoy having sex with him. That would be no big deal, except for the fact that he has another girl, and in your own words he treats you badly and it's hurting you. He's playing games and enjoying having two girls wrapped around his finger, why would you continue this dynamic knowing you're nothing to him but a feed to his ego? Trust me, sweetheart--there are plenty of other men out there in the world who you will also feel that heat with, that magnetic pull to, and at least some of them will be actual good men and make everything worth it, make you happy. There's a whole sea of interesting men out there and lovely, interesting, sexually-charged stories you can make with them. Here's the catch: you will never find any of those guys if you are still orbiting this loser and trying to sustain yourself on his weak crumbs. Don't wait for him to make any decisions, he has already made his decision and it is to play with two women even if it makes them both feel awful, so now it is time for your higher senses to kick in. This is just part of growing up, learning when to make the hard-but-right decisions. Cut yourself loose. And then you should have another hard talk with Guy 2. If you don't have feelings for him, and you're pretty sure you won't develop any even if you escape Guy 1's twisted orbit--then you need to be honest with him. Treat him with the respect you would want to be treated with, yeah? Turning to him for a night of human comfort is one thing, but pulling him in your wake when he feels hope but you know he has no hope is another thing entirely--and honestly, it would make you no better than Guy 1. So, those are going to be some difficult conversations for you, but you really ought to have them. Afterwards, you will deserve your NYE night of drunken revelry and blowing off steam, and it should actually be a bit more relaxing, with less high drama potential. In the future, you should also look outside of your little circle of friends for your romantic interests, as well--I know a lot of people are prone to just fishing in their own pools, especially when young, but so much drama and BS and friendships lost happen that way--I generally advise against it, unless you really think it's the perfect match. Anything less is probably not worth it.
Nexus One Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) Wait, isn't what you thought she did basically "multidating" which I've never encountered here but seems to be all the hype in the US? If it is, why is it cheating then? I've discussed this so many on LS, that I'm actually sick of it. The scenario you're talking about is cheating and not multi-dating, because all involved people are kept in the dark about the fact that she would be f*cking multiple guys. Suppose you'd be dating a girl for a relationship, you're 3 months in, yet all the time she has been f*cking other guys. Except nobody, not you or the other guys knew about the fact that she was f*cking all those men. One thing I disagree with strongly regarding what many "multi-daters" do is "don't ask don't tell". That obscures what they're doing to everyone who is involved. Nobody has any information to make informed choices. Your freedom of choice is taken away from you by keeping you in the dark. It's deception and hence cheating. As you're being deceived from being able to opt out based on knowing that she's f*cking multiple people. I have no problems with multi-dating, IF the multi-dater informs everyone beforehand that he/she is multi-dating AND IF he/she keeps her behavior formal during all her dates, UNTIL he/she has chosen a partner and tells off the rest. So no making out, fooling around or sex with any of the dates. However if the multi-dater wants to fool or f*ck around with multiple people, then he/she should inform all the people involved of that, so that they can opt out of dating him/her. Suppose I'd be dating a girl for a relationship, yet she's multi-dating and I haven't been informed and I walk into a restaurant and see her making out with another men. It would be over right then and there, as she would have deceived me. Lots of "multi-daters" who live by the 'don't ask, don't tell' philosophy can do what they do, because they keep everyone in the dark about what they're doing. Edited December 12, 2011 by Nexus One
norajane Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 It sounds like you prefer drama, so don't do anything and let the fireworks explode on NYE.
Nexus One Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) To add to my previous reply: Multi-dating itself is not the problem, it's the ethics of a large part of the multi-daters that is the problem. So in the scenario where she's dating a guy for a relationship, yet she's f*cking another guy, while neither of them knows about what she's doing, it's cheating and not multi-dating, as there's an element of deception involved. In that scenario neither guy can make an informed choice to opt out if he wanted to. Personally I'd want to opt out. Edited December 12, 2011 by Nexus One
Jynxx Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I've discussed this so many on LS, that I'm actually sick of it. The scenario you're talking about is cheating and not multi-dating, because all involved people are kept in the dark about the fact that she would be f*cking multiple guys. She's not in a relationship, she's only "dating", so there's no need for monogamy as there's no sex yet, right? I mean, honestly, if you can't sleep around or you have the duty to inform the other person then why call it "dating" and not "a relationship"? Suppose you'd be dating a girl for a relationship, you're 3 months in, yet all the time she has been f*cking other guys. Except nobody, not you or the other guys knew about the fact that she was f*cking all those men. So which one is it? You're dating or you're having a relationship? If you're having a relationship then obv ****ing around would be cheating, if you're not then obv not. Suppose I'd be dating a girl for a relationship, yet she's multi-dating and I haven't been informed and I walk into a restaurant and see her making out with another men. It would be over right then and there, as she would have deceived me. What would be over? Dating implies there's no relationship yet, so you're saying you would stop dating her?
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