lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Well collected my stuff this morning from my marital home. It was not too bad. Ex was ok during general chit chat but got stressy a bit during other talk. I just wanted to tell him he is over me and has moved on and I wanted to not contact him from now on so I can move on. He said he gave up on us about a year before I moved out and it is too late to try. He had tears in his eyes when he said this. I asked him if he would divorce me and he said he doesnt know what his future holds at the moment, he is taking it a day at a time and he hadn't even thought of divorce yet. I said I was disapointed he had chosen OW over me. I still have the impression he is very confused but not admitting it. The rest of the time though he was cold and seemed more interested in doing his housework. I have told him I will not be contacting him now but I dont think it has sunk in as he was saying when I phone him I need to listen to him.... So this is it now me trying to move on............................
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Well collected my stuff this morning from my marital home. It was not too bad. Ex was ok during general chit chat but got stressy a bit during other talk. I just wanted to tell him he is over me and has moved on and I wanted to not contact him from now on so I can move on. He said he gave up on us about a year before I moved out and it is too late to try. He had tears in his eyes when he said this. I asked him if he would divorce me and he said he doesnt know what his future holds at the moment, he is taking it a day at a time and he hadn't even thought of divorce yet. I said I was disapointed he had chosen OW over me. I still have the impression he is very confused but not admitting it. The rest of the time though he was cold and seemed more interested in doing his housework. I have told him I will not be contacting him now but I dont think it has sunk in as he was saying when I phone him I need to listen to him.... So this is it now me trying to move on............................ The reality of the situation has probably set in with him now too and by him being cold and wanting to do housework shows guilt and some sadness on his part. When he calls you don't answer,let it go to voice mail and you can decide later if you want to talk,,don't come across that your sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. You know it's over now,best thing to do is don't talk to him at all,, your moving on now,close that chapter in your life and move foward,not backwards by staying in contact with him. When the past calls ignore it,,,it has nothing new to say.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I will Mike. I don't know if he will ever call but if he doesnt then thats ok. Life moves forward for me now. Only thing is will see him as 5 mins away from me and we have adult children together. So I will see him around and there will be weddings etc. Hopefully though the next time I see him I will be well over him and not care. I have got too the point where it is too late............
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I will Mike. I don't know if he will ever call but if he doesnt then thats ok. Life moves forward for me now. Only thing is will see him as 5 mins away from me and we have adult children together. So I will see him around and there will be weddings etc. Hopefully though the next time I see him I will be well over him and not care. I have got too the point where it is too late............ Until your COMPLETELY healed do your best to stay away from him,,, in time it wont bother you if/when you run into him,, I ocassionally run into my ex. ex. and it doesn't bother me at all,, you will get there!
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I will try to avoid him. If I do see him. I will say I am in a hurry and cant stop. I seriously think he thinks it is okay to chose OW as he can still be a friend to me. That way he wont feel bad and can still see me every so often. If he had tears in his eyes today when he said it was too late, he must be confused surely?? He did say btw that when he said he wanted to try again and the nice things when he told me about OW. that is was a long time ago. Well it was late September. Has he changed his way of thinking since then?? I can do this Mike. I do beleive I have the upper hand now in order to do so with confidence. Not that its a game. I just wanted to be in a right position in my head to do it. Hope you are ok now with your position
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I will try to avoid him. If I do see him. I will say I am in a hurry and cant stop. I seriously think he thinks it is okay to chose OW as he can still be a friend to me. That way he wont feel bad and can still see me every so often. If he had tears in his eyes today when he said it was too late, he must be confused surely?? He did say btw that when he said he wanted to try again and the nice things when he told me about OW. that is was a long time ago. Well it was late September. Has he changed his way of thinking since then?? I can do this Mike. I do beleive I have the upper hand now in order to do so with confidence. Not that its a game. I just wanted to be in a right position in my head to do it. Hope you are ok now with your position Try not to think or second guess his feelings or words,,at this time it's over in his mind,you two were together for a long time and he just can't forget or erase you or the memories. He may,,, may be confused but it doesn't matter now,,, avoid seeing/contacting him and start your new life, I know how extremely difficult it is,I really do but you need to put yourself 1st now,take care of yourself,,, you NEVER know what the future holds. Even though you don't see it now (none of us do) but this could be a blessing in disquise. I've been shattered before and though I'd never meet someone like her,,she was the only one for me etc.etc. etc. but that was far from the truth. I'm getting better every week,, slowly but surely. 4 months now,not a peep from her.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Good for you Mike, She is in her honeymoon phase again but dont worry, when she is out of her honeymoon phase, hopefully, you will then be in a honeymoon period with someone else All I can do is beleive it is over and make a new life for myself. I dont have a choice so that is what I will do.
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Good for you Mike, She is in her honeymoon phase again but dont worry, when she is out of her honeymoon phase, hopefully, you will then be in a honeymoon period with someone else All I can do is beleive it is over and make a new life for myself. I dont have a choice so that is what I will do. Yes I hope so,lol. I don't know if you go thru a honeymoon period after going back to an ex.?more of just catching up?? I am/was more hurt by the way I was taught to treat a woman,, I was beyond sweet,loving,caring always there for her,surprised her with little gifts at times,told her how beautiful she was,put her sexual pleasere above mine and on and on and on and she told me many times I was the best b/f EVER then I get dumped for someone who didn't do half of those things,,, it's just such an ego blow,, it went against every thing I was taught or believed,,, thats the hard part. Yes just move on now,you may discover you love your new life!
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Mike, I dont know if this will help you???? Us women are odd creatures:) There is a fine line with treating us like you adore us and then there is too nice. It is a balancing act. Women want a man to be a man but still want to be cared for. If you treat us mean to keep us keen that works for a while as you are macho but go the other way, too caring and not enough macho then that can be a turn off. It sounds like her ex was treating her mean to keep her keen. She may miss you when she realises he is an a** hole and you are perfect. Even if you were the rebound.
lilyblue Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Yes I hope so,lol. I don't know if you go thru a honeymoon period after going back to an ex.?more of just catching up?? I am/was more hurt by the way I was taught to treat a woman,, I was beyond sweet,loving,caring always there for her,surprised her with little gifts at times,told her how beautiful she was,put her sexual pleasere above mine and on and on and on and she told me many times I was the best b/f EVER then I get dumped for someone who didn't do half of those things,,, it's just such an ego blow,, it went against every thing I was taught or believed,,, thats the hard part. Yes just move on now,you may discover you love your new life! I think there's definitely a honeymoon period with going back to an ex. I did it, and for those first few months that's definitely what it felt like (and this was our THIRD try, ha). We got back together in January and had no memories of the things that didn't work - we were just excited to be back with each other and focused on all the things that had worked and how comfortable we were with each other. It was exciting to be back with someone I knew so well and was so comfortable with and it felt so much like home in a way. We both believed it could work. I don't remember exactly when it changed, but that honeymoon period definitely ended. We hung on for months more - I don't think either one of us wanted to end it because we both kind of new it was our final shot. Nothing big happened to drive us apart, but we just fizzled out. It was a slow death... but I feel like we saw it through and made sure it wasn't going to work and this wouldn't happen again. We're completely content with our relationship now - we're never going to be together, and there are good reasons why (even though all our friends are in a constant state of confusion...) Congrats on getting your stuff out of there Lolita - stay strong as you move forward!
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Honeymoon phases are dangerous because your brain doesn't think straight and you don't listen to reason. I spoke to a friend this morning who said his wife went off with OM years ago and she didnt listen to any reason. Just focused on her infactuation. Then found out the hard way when it all went wrong. Thanks Lily. It wont be plain sailing but the only option.
M2155 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Oh God there is definitely a honeymoon phase when exes get back together:rolleyes:. My ex and his were completely stupid professing their love over FB, I mean I was really taken aback by this openness. I'm throwing up in my mouth a little just thinking about how gaga they were. Who else "I love yous" that fast unless you are rewinding to that stage? I don't know where it stands now since they've backed off and I don't care to look but obviously she was more the type he wanted, extreme opposite of me too. I don't know if it'll last, I REALLY think think they both want it to and will go far before it ends. I also suspect she wasn't his first option, oh well. Lolita glad you got your stuff back! Now get on with it. It's okay to be cordial to your ex, you guys spent a lifetime together. Just don't go out of your way to do so and stop bringing up the relationship and feelings when you must exchange. He will always associate you with stirring up things he doesn't want to talk about. There is no use in talking about feelings until the day comes that he wants you back. Until then, as you see you are talking to a wall.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I listen loud and clear M2155. Today I wanted to explain to him why I was going NC. And also I don't think it will be good to talk again until I am over him, or he just gets stressy and that is no good for any of us. I am done with talking relationships now. We cant be friends until I have accepted the loss. Then yes we can be cordial. I realise that now. Hard but I am determined this time. I will vent on here if I feel the need to contact him. Besides his new woman is probably more compatible (apart from having kids) They are both sporty.
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Mike, I dont know if this will help you???? Us women are odd creatures:) There is a fine line with treating us like you adore us and then there is too nice. It is a balancing act. Women want a man to be a man but still want to be cared for. If you treat us mean to keep us keen that works for a while as you are macho but go the other way, too caring and not enough macho then that can be a turn off. It sounds like her ex was treating her mean to keep her keen. She may miss you when she realises he is an a** hole and you are perfect. Even if you were the rebound. My thoughts on having an ex. come back to you when you were a rebound person is that if they do come back it's only for another bandaid if they breakup again,or with someone else. Because they were sorta using you and were NOT IN LOVE with you there is no other reason for them to come back other than to be comforted.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Dont let it happen then Mike. I am sure you are right. Sorry to say.
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Dont let it happen then Mike. I am sure you are right. Sorry to say. It's alittle dishearting to know that,,almost like I wasted a year of my life on her but knowing that it reassures me that's all it would be. Oh well live and learn.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 You never know though I am just summising
lilyblue Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 My thoughts on having an ex. come back to you when you were a rebound person is that if they do come back it's only for another bandaid if they breakup again,or with someone else. Because they were sorta using you and were NOT IN LOVE with you there is no other reason for them to come back other than to be comforted. I don't know if that's true all the time... of course I guess nothing is true 100% of the time. But just because someone appeared in someone's life at a certain time point (ie following a LTR) doesn't mean that there would be less of a connection than otherwise I think (it certainly could prevent them from forming ANY connection, but I think that if they are open, then it could happen. I'm starting to confuse myself... and probably everyone else). I think a connection depends more on the personalities involved than on the timing. That doesn't mean it will work out, but I don't see it as they will never come back or you would only be the band aid. You weren't a "fling" rebound. You might have been the next relationship after her LTR, but there had to be something there. It wasn't all a lie and her using you as a band aid. I think it'd be hard to get much satisfaction out of that if there was no connection for her. I think my ex had his "rebounds" prior to me. He dated and slept with a bunch of women before we started dating. I think we were a victim of timing and his wife coming back around and him being pulled in by history and the life he used to have. This is what I think for about 5 minutes a day. The rest of the time I feel used, but sometimes I feel more a victim of circumstances that just happened around me.
M2155 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) If the person did not take the time to get over the person emotionally and instead gets involved with a new person to escape the feelings of the previous loss, yes that would be rebound. I don't think you can put a timing or a number of people to define "rebound." Rebound to me is an action more than a verb. So yes, the "rebound" is sort of a victim of timing. I also think it's easy for anyone to get swept up in the honeymoon stage of a relationship and that's why "rebounds" don't last long. It seems magical and great but when it hits the next stage where real work is required and the rose colored glasses come off, reality hits that they have to start over (not that you are a bad or even the wrong person for them) so instead they go back where they were already comfortable or to someone new now that they've gotten past the hurt. Yes, it's selfish. The magical honeymoon bliss is a distraction from everything (I didn't get any work done when I first started seeing my ex:rolleyes:). I think for Lilly, it's especially hard (sounds like) because hers ended mid-honeymoon. I'm sure he cared about you, but he went running when his exwife came back, just like you would right now if he came back. So it's good that we have the time to reflect and process our feelings. But I'm sure we all know plenty of situations where the next person after a LTR turned out to be "the one." You learn so much after a relationship ends, I imagine you choose wisely. Hope that's the case! (Just my observation, I'm no authority on this! ) Edited December 12, 2011 by M2155
lilyblue Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 If the person did not take the time to get over the person emotionally and instead gets involved with a new person to escape the feelings of the previous loss, yes that would be rebound. I don't think you can put a timing or a number of people to define "rebound." Rebound to me is an action more than a verb. So yes, the "rebound" is sort of a victim of timing. I also think it's easy for anyone to get swept up in the honeymoon stage of a relationship and that's why "rebounds" don't last long. It seems magical and great but when it hits the next stage where real work is required and the rose colored glasses come off, reality hits that they have to start over (not that you are a bad or even the wrong person for them) so instead they go back where they were already comfortable or to someone new now that they've gotten past the hurt. Yes, it's selfish. The magical honeymoon bliss is a distraction from everything (I didn't get any work done when I first started seeing my ex:rolleyes:). I think for Lilly, it's especially hard (sounds like) because hers ended mid-honeymoon. I'm sure he cared about you, but he went running when his exwife came back, just like you would right now if he came back. So it's good that we have the time to reflect and process our feelings. But I'm sure we all know plenty of situations where the next person after a LTR turned out to be "the one." You learn so much after a relationship ends, I imagine you choose wisely. Hope that's the case! (Just my observation, I'm no authority on this! ) You might not be an authority, but you sure make a lot more sense than I do thanks. And yeah - the fact that we definitely ended mid-honeymoon probably doesn't help.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I actually feel a bit sorry for my ex, as he has a tendancy to be dreamy anyway, that he is caught up in this honeymoon, where he cant see the woods for the trees. I feel sorry that he was introduced to her kids very early and he doesnt see the pitfalls of it all. But at the same time he is an adult with choices and he may be making the right choice. This is the first woman in his life after 25 years. Bound to be explosive with passion. Poor Lily. Think of it this way. You have escaped. If he did it 3 years into the relationship, it would be a hundred times worse.
mike588 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I don't know if that's true all the time... of course I guess nothing is true 100% of the time. But just because someone appeared in someone's life at a certain time point (ie following a LTR) doesn't mean that there would be less of a connection than otherwise I think (it certainly could prevent them from forming ANY connection, but I think that if they are open, then it could happen. I'm starting to confuse myself... and probably everyone else). I think a connection depends more on the personalities involved than on the timing. That doesn't mean it will work out, but I don't see it as they will never come back or you would only be the band aid. You weren't a "fling" rebound. You might have been the next relationship after her LTR, but there had to be something there. It wasn't all a lie and her using you as a band aid. I think it'd be hard to get much satisfaction out of that if there was no connection for her. I think my ex had his "rebounds" prior to me. He dated and slept with a bunch of women before we started dating. I think we were a victim of timing and his wife coming back around and him being pulled in by history and the life he used to have. This is what I think for about 5 minutes a day. The rest of the time I feel used, but sometimes I feel more a victim of circumstances that just happened around me. Good point about the "fling" rebound maybe there was something there just not enough? I'm slowly getting past all this, at first like most of us we wanted our ex. back but thanks to N.C. (which I haven't broken) it really helps tremendously and allows you to look at the relationship in a different light. I can only hope if she does contact me it will many more months down the road and I'll be indifferent to her,, if she knocked on my door now lookin all sexy I'd probably give in and wind up in the sack with her only to ruin 4 months of healing. Oops just realized this thread has gotten of track,sorry,, giving it back to you now.
Author lolita jade Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Thats ok Mike, I see the threads as more of a discussion. You were with your ex a year? She will have good memories with you. Regardless whether she comes back to you or not. She will have good memories. A year is long enough to make a mark.
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