another broken heart and a strange break up

[maya arrow]

i've posted here a while ago, when i was going through a rough patch in my relationship. long story short, i'm in my mid 30s and have been in a relationship with a man 8 years younger for the past 3.5 years. when we first met, it was one of those head-over-heels love stories. we couldn't get enough of each other, and from the day we hooked up (which was the day we first met), we hardly ever spent time apart. every day we couldn't see each other was torture. we moved in together after three months. we started making plans for the future. and for me, he was the man i had waited all my life to meet. every box i would want ticked off, was ticked...he is good looking (almost TOO beautiful!), frighteningly intelligent, sensitive, mature beyond his years, kind, responsible, funny, affectionate, silly, sweet, with just a bit of a naughty side that kept things exciting. although i was much older, our age difference never mattered as he was so smart and mature, in many ways much more than me. he took care of me and challenged me...and i would sometimes lie in his arms shaking from such intense feelings.

 

after a couple years, i moved with him to his home country, and that is when we hit a really rough patch. i felt lonely, lost, overwhelmed. i had never moved somewhere for a guy, and it took me a lot longer to settle into life here than he did. because he is such a strong, self-sufficient person, he wasn't always very understanding of how insecure i felt, and we had a period of a few months where i was crying all the time and we were quite tense. but we still loved each other, and both wanted to make things work. i started seeing a therapist, and slowly, things started to get better. i got a good job, i started making friends, and our fighting and tension disappeared. honestly, in the past 6 months or so, we have been so happy, and i had never felt so secure with him.

 

then, the bomb dropped. we were just starting to look into finding a bigger, better flat when he said that we should probably talk about US before we embarked on any major decisions. he said that he had to be honest and that he didn't see us being together for ages and ages, and that he knew that at some point, he would want to move on. he said--not now necessarily, not even a few months from now, but definitely no longer than a year. he said that he loves me, but he wants his independence and freedom, and he just doesn't think we can give each other what we need. i guess he is still a young, vibrant, attractive man...and he is nowhere near ready to settle down. part of me was always afraid of that...but i guess there was a part that hoped that he might think i was too wonderful and what we had was too good to lose.

 

my heart felt like it was blown apart. we both cried and cried and held each other and he said he isn't leaving me, not for a while...but that he felt i should know what he has been feeling. i love him so much, SO MUCH, that i am torn between saying--YES, please. let's have this time together to say goodbye. let me have just a little more time with you. and NO NO NO--how can i waste a year of my life with someone who doesn't want a future with me? when i could be using that time to move on? but the truth is, i have so little. i gave up so much to come here. and i know he wants us to stay together until i am financially able to be on my own. i told him that is a stupid reason to stay with me, but he said it wasn't the case. he wants to be with me a little while longer too, because he loves me and thinks we can enjoy those last months together.

 

i don't know what to do. it seems crazy to stay...but i am crazy about him. the thought of no longer waking up to his beautiful smile, or to muse together over what to have for breakfast, or sit, curled up on the couch together, watching silly tv shows...it breaks me. but i am so much older than he is...i don't have much time left to have children. i think of these things and i wonder if i should just bite the bullet and leave. but it took me 30 years to find someone like him...would it take another 30 more to find another? i have never, EVER loved someone as much as i love him, and i have had long, serious relationships since i was 20 years old.

 

what do you think? what should i do??

[thepedestrian]

Wow, the guy you described and the breakup fits my relationship almost exactly.

 

Even the handsome part

 

Definite case of GIGS. It took me two years to go crawling back to my ex (She is 8 years older) and guess what? Shes moved on, still has feelings for me, but wants to explore their current relationship. I'm the guy that's heartbroken now because I realize I made a huge mistake.

 

I'm not saying whether hes going to come back or not, but the sooner you move on and learn to live without him the sooner he'll realize he made a mistake PROBABLY. You have to actually move on though, it can't be fake. When and if the time comes you'll have much better perspective and you'll be in a position to make.

 

Hes young, he wants to do his own thing and its something he has to get over himself! There is not something wrong with you its HIM!!! The only way for him to get over it is time. Go No Contact so he is --able-- to miss you. My ex never made me miss her until she started dating another guy.

Edited December 12, 2011 by thepedestrian

[leoc1973]

Yes mya listen to the pedestrian. It sounds like something or someone is putting stuff into his head. What he needs is to see he is going to lose you for good and then he won't care what anyone thinks. If he loves you and truly loves you then the thought of another guy having you will blow his mind. The only problem is that if you leave you probably have to go back home. I would say tell this guy you are going to go back home and that you need to find a man that you can grow old with. Make him know that it was hard for you to move there in the first place and if you go back home you just know you will never come back. A guy needs to think of you with another man trust me. When my ex dumped me I really didn't care. The minute I heard about another guy my heart actually ached and I became obsessed with getting her back.

 

After reading your story I can actually cry for you. I am sure every guy on this site would kill for a woman that has the capacity to love like you do! I mean shaking with love omg I would die for a woman to feel that way about me!

[maya arrow]

hi pedestrian and leo

 

thanks so much for taking the time to reply. i really have no hopes of him changing his mind, to be honest. i don't think he will ever come back. he is very independent, and i believe him when he says that a relationship has never been his primary goal in life. he's very good in relationships (loyal, loving, present), but he also has never been someone who NEEDS anyone, you know? i have no doubt he loves me, but he doesn't need me, and it seems he has decided that soon, he wants to be on his own.

 

he's only had one other serious love in his life and he left his last girlfriend in the same way. he was with her for about 5 years, but they both knew that he was going abroad to study and they just ended it when he left. i think he knew he was going to be having a new life, and he just wanted to be free to concentrate on it and pursue it. he still loved her, but i guess it was that comfortable sort of love. A year later, he met me...and we fell in that passionate sort of love. The thing is...I know he is not ending things with me because he wants to pursue other women. Maybe this is what he will do (he's a young man after all), but he just isn't someone who feels that relationships or women are all that he is interested in. Like I said, he is brilliant...a scientist (albeit a sexy, gorgeous one--who knew they existed?)...and he likes to go on long hiking trips on his own--he's that kind of person.

 

But with us...there is no clean end date, so I think he thought he was being a good person by just letting me know that he isn't ready to settle down, so at some point, he WILL move on.

 

we talked again last night, cried together, and he said that he hopes I will choose to stay with him a little longer because he wants more time with me too. i am so tempted. but i woke up again this morning with a heavy heart... we are so happy...why is does he not want this? the questions, i know, are irrelevent.

[Standard-Fare]

Maya:

 

I'm torn between respecting your guy's candor and thinking he's being manipulative. Either way, I do think he's taking too much POWER in this relationship, by essentially telling you "I want this to end, but I'm not ready to deal with the consequences now, so let's ride this out until I feel ready." He wants everything to be on his own terms.

 

I think it's natural that you both need to take time to register this, but accept that what he told you was the initiation of a breakup -- even he didn't express that in a conventional way.

 

I think the best thing for you to do is to tell him what you wrote here -- make it clear that you love him and have no desire to break up, but that you can't waste several more months in a relationship that he's decided is headed nowhere. He's going to have to respect that.

 

And honestly, who knows what's in store for you guys, but if there IS any chance of a future I think you'd find that out sooner by actually having the courage to get out of there. By accepting the meaning of what he's saying and leaving on your own terms -- before he wants you to -- you will

take away his control and force him to face the real consequences of his decision. He might find himself crashing abruptly into a heartbreaking reality he wants no part of. He might reevaluate the situation.

 

For your own self preservation, though, you need to reject following your boyfriend's prescription for a soft landing breakup you don't want in the first place.

[sugarmomma]

OP you are gonna hurt now or later so it doesn't matter. He is just trying to detach emotionally enough until he can "handle" not having you around.

 

While you on the other hand are sitting there waiting for HIM to decide when he's gonna leave you.

 

Take control over your own dayum life and stop putting the power in his hands. Obviously he has no idea how to handle you.

 

Grow some balls and leave his ass to deal with the pain as well. How dare he? smdh

[maya arrow]

standard-fare,

 

thanks for your thoughts. i really don't think he is being manipulative to be honest--he is too straightforward for that. in all our years together he has never lied to me or tried to sugar-coat anything, which can be a bit hard sometimes, i suppose. he's honest to a fault, and maybe that's where HE messed up, in bringing this up now, when he still isn't so ready to break up with me, but he thinks he is being a good person by letting me know that he is not ready to settle down.

 

sugar-momma--yeah, i sometimes wonder if i ain't got no balls. but the things is, it isn't so simple. it's not like anything in our relationship has gone wrong. the love is there, the sex is good, we don't fight much but when we do, we are respectful and get over it quickly... he's still pretty much an amazing boyfriend and treats me like gold. it's just that he is so much younger than i am, and i think he sees that i am ready to settle down, and he knows he can't give that to me. so he thinks he is being a good guy by being honest about that, even though he still loves me.

 

i just don't know. part of me feels like i love him enough that i would really consider this "soft landing" break up. we can be together, and in the mean time, i can start changing my life and direction towards being on my own. slowly...gradually...saving my money...it's so appealing. but i'm not young anymore. i am losing precious time to meet someone who may WANT children with me. but then again, i may already have lost the chance. and will i find someone as amazing as my current love? it may take YEARS. i've had lots of serious relationships, and this guy, by far, is the most amazing person i have ever met. it f***ing SUCKS. does ANYONE have the balls to leave someone they are still head over heels in love with, who they know loves them back?

[sugarmomma]

I'm sure he loves you but it doesn't seem to be the kind of love that will add to your in the long run. best wishes

[Standard-Fare]

does ANYONE have the balls to leave someone they are still head over heels in love with, who they know loves them back?

 

Good point. It's easy for us to advise as outsiders who can view the situation practically, but you're right, it's next to impossible to walk away from someone you're in love with, esp. if they're asking you to stay.

 

I think basically you should be shooting for a compromise between his proposal and the course of action you realistically know you should take. So, yeah, take a couple months to absorb this and make preparations... but set yourself a deadline and be firm with it. By no means should you wait around indefinitely until whenever that time is when your boyfriend decides it's over and you have to leave.

 

And it's only going to be natural for you to hope, as your boyfriend sees you going through these preparations, that he will second-guess himself and realize that what he's asking for may not be what he really wants. That may or not be what happens, but I think you'll find out when you give him some real taste of the reality of your leaving.

[maya arrow]

standard-fare,

 

thank you--i think that what you have said is along my lines of thinking. i'm just not strong enough to leave when the love-of-my-life is saying he wants a little bit more time with me too. but the underlying sadness of knowing that this will end has got me shifting gears. for the most part, life has gone back to normal...but when i am alone, that is when i feel awful and scared and i don't know what i am going to do. i suppose i can use those feelings to start imagining a different future, and in some ways, i am grateful to my boyfriend for being with me so i can start building it without too much shock and desperation.

 

reading some of the posts here on loveshack can be both comforting and also confusing. sometimes i feel that what people are saying doesn't apply to me. i don't want revenge, i don't have any hope of winning him back, and i genuinely want my boyfriend to be happy after we part, even if that means being with other people, as much as that would kill me. he's such a good person...i just wish beyond hope that the person he wanted to be with was me. we can't help our feelings, i guess.

 

my closest friends and family are all really far away. when i talked to my sister on skype she said--take this time to figure out what YOU really want. but all that i want from life pales in comparison to wanting him! sure, i have dreams and goals...but all of those things lack luster when i think of pursuing them in a life without him in it. maybe that will go away after awhile. but maybe some people...they just meet their one love for life and lose them, and no...they don't meet anyone else who can measure up. there are other guys i meet that i find attractive, but none of them is the 100% that my love is. besides, at my age, i am losing the looks i once had that made finding men easy.

 

oh well. i am sure i will think of something...i just wish i was more financially stable (it's been such a struggle to save moving to another country!). i would take off and travel for a year if i could. but again, i am older now, and i really should be trying to secure a more stable future.