Is it okay to blank an ex who treated you bad?

[MIK1000]

over 3 months since the break up, NC kept a part from 1 text from her after the first month asking how I am, and a stupid text from her last month asking If I wanted a worthless possession of mine back (it was an obvious excuse to contact me). I went to meet her to get it, she didn't say a word and walked away from me. This was puzzling at first because I did nothing wrong to her, she dumped me for another guy.

 

Now about 6 weeks later, I walk into my local train station, she's standing right in front of me and we look straight at each other, she looked startled but i had looked and walked away before she could do anything. Then when the train arrived I got on first, she followed (could have easily gone to a different carriage considering she was standing closer to the door for the next carriage). She got on, sort of looked about, not sure if she was trying to catch my eye, but then sat down a few metres away.

 

My plan for a while was to act cool and causal when I saw her and not bitter, but now I kind of think, why should I be nice to someone who treated me like that?

 

Is this immature of me or perfectly justified? Does it make me look like I've not moved on, or does it show indifference?

[PoppyLove89]

if she treated you horribly then you did the right thing! you deserve better and the sooner she realises you aint under her thumb any more the better! Hold your head high

[MIK1000]

if she treated you horribly then you did the right thing! you deserve better and the sooner she realises you aint under her thumb any more the better! Hold your head high

 

She acted with zero consideration for my feelings.

 

I'm glad you think I did the right thing. My dad told me I should try and remain friendly and be the bigger person but I mean why be nice to someone to treated you like dirt only 3 months previously? That doesn't make sense to me at all, in fact I would actually like I was losing dignity by being friendly her after what she did.

[YouNeverKnow86]

How long were you together? Was she honest with you when she broke up with you or did you find out on your own (about her leaving you for another guy)? If you don't mind giving some background information on your breakup.

[MIK1000]

How long were you together? Was she honest with you when she broke up with you or did you find out on your own (about her leaving you for another guy)? If you don't mind giving some background information on your breakup.

 

It was a fairly unique situation. We were together for 16 months, intensely in love considering we're young (me 20 her 19). She was a really good GF to me and we had what I was certain was a totally honest and innocent relationship.

 

She went away for the summer to work at a kids summer camp in America. Everything was fine before she went away away and all she said was think about how good it will be when I get back. She cried in my arms when we were saying goodbye to each other.

 

So she went away, was in contact every couple of days for the first two weeks or so, telling me how much she missed me. Gradually she became distant, and only replied to my Facebook messages after 7-10 days, and said she was just busy when i complained about this.

 

Eventually I tried to play a game (stupid of me I know), I didn't reply to one of her messages (it was actually her replying to me). Then the next message she sent me, I replied but was not as talkative as usual. After this I didn't hear fro her for two weeks, and was so upset I sent her messages while drunk asking if she was cheating on me, being over dramatic ect. She asked how i could accuse her of something so low as cheating. Maintained that she was too busy and really didn't reassure me at all despite me clearly being really upset and crying for help.

 

After that argument, she broke up with me. I begged and pleaded over Facebook messages and eventually got her to say that maybe there was a chance for us when she got home and she said she wouldn't see other people until then.

 

I tried to keep things casual and messaged her every few days after that, being friendly. 2 weeks later however she replied to one of my messages on fb saying that she had moved on. I went online and spoke to her, and she was trying to hide what was really going on. Eventually I got her to admit that she was seeing this other guy from her camp. I then deleted her from Facebook but 1 week later my friend told me that she had up dated her relationship status to in a relationship with this new guy. We have hundreds of mutual friends so I saw this as an extremely insensitive thing to do.

 

Through out the break up, she didn't give me one phone call, everything was said on Facebook or text. Every time I asked for a phone call to talk about it she would make an excuse. So for the 3.5 months she was away I didn't hear her voice once. This was a person who I saw hung out with every day back home, was like my best friend.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[YouNeverKnow86]

It was a fairly unique situation. We were together for 16 months, intensely in love considering we're young (me 20 her 19). She was a really good GF to me and we had what I was certain was a totally honest and innocent relationship.

 

She went away for the summer to work at a kids summer camp in America. Everything was fine before she went away away and all she said was think about how good it will be when I get back. She cried in my arms when we were saying goodbye to each other.

 

So she went away, was in contact every couple of days for the first two weeks or so, telling me how much she missed me. Gradually she became distant, and only replied to my Facebook messages after 7-10 days, and said she was just busy when i complained about this.

 

Eventually I tried to play a game (stupid of me I know), I didn't reply to one of her messages (it was actually her replying to me). Then the next message she sent me, I replied but was not as talkative as usual. After this I didn't hear fro her for two weeks, and was so upset I sent her messages while drunk asking if she was cheating on me, being over dramatic ect. She asked how i could accuse her of something so low as cheating. Maintained that she was too busy and really didn't reassure me at all despite me clearly being really upset and crying for help.

 

After that argument, she broke up with me. I begged and pleaded over Facebook messages and eventually got her to say that maybe there was a chance for us when she got home and she said she wouldn't see other people until then.

 

I tried to keep things casual and messaged her every few days after that, being friendly. 2 weeks later however she replied to one of my messages on fb saying that she had moved on. I went online and spoke to her, and she was trying to hide what was really going on. Eventually I got her to admit that she was seeing this other guy from her camp. I then deleted her from Facebook but 1 week later my friend told me that she had up dated her relationship status to in a relationship with this new guy. We have hundreds of mutual friends so I saw this as an extremely insensitive thing to do.

 

Through out the break up, she didn't give me one phone call, everything was said on Facebook or text. Every time I asked for a phone call to talk about it she would make an excuse. So for the 3.5 months she was away I didn't hear her voice once. This was a person who I saw hung out with every day back home, was like my best friend.

 

Sorry for the long post.

 

It's okay man don't feel bad about the long post. It sucks I know, I too have had to deal with same crap. Out of nowhere they just become totally different, unfortunately it seems most breakups involve another guy. You just have to keep in mind "the one" won't ever hurt you, I always keep saying that to myself..........Even the nights I still cry myself to sleep.

[MIK1000]

It's okay man don't feel bad about the long post. It sucks I know, I too have had to deal with same crap. Out of nowhere they just become totally different, unfortunately it seems most breakups involve another guy. You just have to keep in mind "the one" won't ever hurt you, I always keep saying that to myself..........Even the nights I still cry myself to sleep.

 

Yeah I've realised that finally after about 3 months and I am able to not want her back now. She's clearly a ****ty person, despite her good qualities, if she's willing to treat people like that. I would have rather stabbed myself in the eye than put her through the sort of pain she put me through and yet she was able to do it without really any consideration at all.

 

Hope you're doing okay.

[radiodarcy]

as long as you weren't shooting her dirty looks over your shoulder (and it doesn't sound as though you were) - -i think you were perfectly justified in reacting the way you did.

 

i have yet to see my ex in public and probably never will as we live in two separate communities with suburban oversprawl so there's no reason for one to venture into the other's neck of the woods.

 

i did hit him up over IM a few weeks ago - - after 8.5 months of NC. i wanted to see if i could handle being in contact with him. his reception was frosty (even though he was the dumper). it bothered me and then - - it didn't. most likely his cold demeanor stemmed from the fact that i had ignored him all this time.

 

i doubt we will ever speak again - - but it was nice to know that i could have a conversation with him without having the butterflies and feelings of self-doubt i used to experience.

[MIK1000]

as long as you weren't shooting her dirty looks over your shoulder (and it doesn't sound as though you were) - -i think you were perfectly justified in reacting the way you did.

 

i have yet to see my ex in public and probably never will as we live in two separate communities with suburban oversprawl so there's no reason for one to venture into the other's neck of the woods.

 

i did hit him up over IM a few weeks ago - - after 8.5 months of NC. i wanted to see if i could handle being in contact with him. his reception was frosty (even though he was the dumper). it bothered me and then - - it didn't. most likely his cold demeanor stemmed from the fact that i had ignored him all this time.

 

i doubt we will ever speak again - - but it was nice to know that i could have a conversation with him without having the butterflies and feelings of self-doubt i used to experience.

 

I didn't shoot her any dirty looks, just kept a blank expression and averted eye contact as soon as it was made.

 

You're lucky in a way that you stay far away enough to not have to bump into her. I live literally round the corner from mine and because of the age we both are we both go to the same sort of places e.g night clubs, luckily I haven't met her while at one yet, but we will inevitably, and at that point I think she'll be drunk and approach me because she gets brave when she's had a drink.

 

That's good that you weren't effected by his frostiness and it didn't set you back. I reckon having your heart broken makes you grow a lot as a person, things that would have previously bothered you or made you insecure just seem like water off of a ducks back.

[radiodarcy]

I didn't shoot her any dirty looks, just kept a blank expression and averted eye contact as soon as it was made.

 

You're lucky in a way that you stay far away enough to not have to bump into her. I live literally round the corner from mine and because of the age we both are we both go to the same sort of places e.g night clubs, luckily I haven't met her while at one yet, but we will inevitably, and at that point I think she'll be drunk and approach me because she gets brave when she's had a drink.

 

That's good that you weren't effected by his frostiness and it didn't set you back. I reckon having your heart broken makes you grow a lot as a person, things that would have previously bothered you or made you insecure just seem like water off of a ducks back.

 

ahh - - in that case - - you did fine and now that you know you can handle yourself as you did on the train - - you can do the same should you ever bump into each other at the club and if she makes an attempt to approach you.

 

it sounds like both our exes are fine with putting us out of their lives; so long as they have us pining over them. it's all about them not being able to get past their egos.

 

i agree with you - - being dumped can build character; if you deal with the feelings of rejection and pain in a healthy way. i know my ex has an "onto the next" attitude and tends to stuff his feelings instead of experience them.

 

that time that i talked to him he bluntly informed me that things were not going well for him. he refused to go into detail. and i didn't pry. but it confirmed what i knew all along - - that his way of handling things doesn't work. and he will never be happy with himself or anyone else.

 

i can't say that made me feel glad. i actually feel bad for him. but all i can do is continue to work on myself and leave him to sort out him own issues.

Edited December 12, 2011 by radiodarcy

[ZimboGon]

My situation was pretty similar, except it wasn't her going to camp it was me graduating so we saw each other much less. This guy moved in, and she started lying to me and taking advantage of me and leading me on. I was basically her fallback guy, AS HER BOYFRIEND.

 

So two weeks later, she and the guy are dating. I know it won't last, the guy is pathetic and he completely manipulated her. Point is, i ran into them the other day. They were holding hands, and they both saw me and smiled. What did i proceed to do? Burst into laughter at how ridiculous the guy was. It was a coping mechanism, maybe it wasn't the best thing to do. But, i always painted a really confident image of myself and i told her when he came into the picture he was using her and taking advantage of her emotions, using the poor self-esteem and pathetic card. So i guess i just tried to put up the persona of, "Have fun with THAT."

Edited December 12, 2011 by ZimboGon

[Jono85]

 

that time that i talked to him he bluntly informed me that things were not going well for him. he refused to go into detail. and i didn't pry. but it confirmed what i knew all along - - that his way of handling things doesn't work. and he will never be happy with himself or anyone else.

 

i can't say that made me feel glad. i actually feel bad for him. but all i can do is continue to work on myself and leave him to sort out him own issues.

 

Hope it doesn't seem like i'm choosing sides, but why would what he said confirm any of that? Is it not ok to admit to someone that things aren't going well? Furthermore is it not ok for things to not go well at any moment? I'm confused.

 

I guess that struck a bit of a nerve with me b/c one of my exes was the opposite, and everything was always peaches, all the time. Yet I knew she was going through a lot and it angered me that she would just pretend like she was great all the time instead of actually being honest and admitting that she was going through some things to the people she was close with.

[radiodarcy]

Hope it doesn't seem like i'm choosing sides, but why would what he said confirm any of that? Is it not ok to admit to someone that things aren't going well? Furthermore is it not ok for things to not go well at any moment? I'm confused.

 

I guess that struck a bit of a nerve with me b/c one of my exes was the opposite, and everything was always peaches, all the time. Yet I knew she was going through a lot and it angered me that she would just pretend like she was great all the time instead of actually being honest and admitting that she was going through some things to the people she was close with.

 

it's fine to admit things aren't going well. but for him - - he's usually the type of person who act like things are going great when they're not.

 

but if he's fishing for attention. he can be very passive aggressive. he'll say things aren't going well - -expecting people to draw it out of him and say "aww, what's wrong?" but he refuses to say anything further. it's like he wants my support, but when i offer it to him - - he pushes it away and says stuff like "it's ok. i'll survive" and then goes silent.

 

which is why i didn't bother to pry anything out of him. it's exactly what he wanted me to do. he's very manipulative that way.

 

i can never trust anything he says. if that interaction with him confirmed anything it's that he hasn't changed a bit and is still up to his old tricks.

Edited December 12, 2011 by radiodarcy

[Jono85]

it's fine to admit things aren't going well. but for him - - he's usually the type of person who act like things are going great when they're not.

 

but if he's fishing for attention. he can be very passive aggressive. he'll say things aren't going well - -expecting people to draw it out of him and say "aww, what's wrong?" but he refuses to say anything further. it's like he wants my support, but when i offer it to him - - he pushes it away and says stuff like "it's ok. i'll survive" and then goes silent.

 

which is why i didn't bother to pry anything out of him. it's exactly what he wanted me to do. he's very manipulative that way.

 

i can never trust anything he says. if that interaction with him confirmed anything it's that he hasn't changed a bit and is still up to his old tricks.

 

Something tells me that if he had pretended like everything was fine when really things weren't (as per usual) you'd also dog him for that?

 

I agree though that it becomes frustrating when people say things are not good, but don't want to tell you anything that's going on. I do think though given you guys hadn't talked in soo long, that he'd also feel uncomfortable involving you in the details of his currently sh-tty life lol but who knows.

 

Either way I'm glad you came out stronger and happier it seems from the interaction, and really that's the bottom line. That you feel like he doesn't control you and you feel at peace not dealing with his bs anymore. Glad you're moving on. I was just confused at your reaction to his admission.

[radiodarcy]

Something tells me that if he had pretended like everything was fine when really things weren't (as per usual) you'd also dog him for that?

 

I agree though that it becomes frustrating when people say things are not good, but don't want to tell you anything that's going on. I do think though given you guys hadn't talked in soo long, that he'd also feel uncomfortable involving you in the details of his currently sh-tty life lol but who knows.

 

Either way I'm glad you came out stronger and happier it seems from the interaction, and really that's the bottom line. That you feel like he doesn't control you and you feel at peace not dealing with his bs anymore. Glad you're moving on. I was just confused at your reaction to his admission.

 

eh -- not really. it's like you said, it's frustrating when someone tells you something's wrong but then refuses to elaborate. personally i'd rather him tell me everything's just great; rather than play these games.

 

would i have muttered the "same old tricks" line under my breath? probably. but hearing that would have been far less aggravating than him playing his carrot and the stick game trying to gauge my reaction.

 

you're probably right, he probably wasn't in the mood to spill since i hadn't talked to him in awhile. but seeing as this is how he operated even when we were hanging out - - this is par for the course for him.

 

thanks - - it definitely feels good to be on the other side of this whole mess. i can't believe i put up with the games and the BS as long as i did. i've learned not to take it personally and that it's his mess not mine. but it is nice to know that i no longer have the desire to be a part of it by playing into it.

[MIK1000]

ahh - - in that case - - you did fine and now that you know you can handle yourself as you did on the train - - you can do the same should you ever bump into each other at the club and if she makes an attempt to approach you.

 

it sounds like both our exes are fine with putting us out of their lives; so long as they have us pining over them. it's all about them not being able to get past their egos.

 

i agree with you - - being dumped can build character; if you deal with the feelings of rejection and pain in a healthy way. i know my ex has an "onto the next" attitude and tends to stuff his feelings instead of experience them.

 

that time that i talked to him he bluntly informed me that things were not going well for him. he refused to go into detail. and i didn't pry. but it confirmed what i knew all along - - that his way of handling things doesn't work. and he will never be happy with himself or anyone else.

 

i can't say that made me feel glad. i actually feel bad for him. but all i can do is continue to work on myself and leave him to sort out him own issues.

 

 

Mine is similar, she just moves to the next, won't be single for long. She's in LD relationship with the boy from her camp she hooked up with. I don't think she bottles emotion ilke you're ex though, although her behaviour would suggest she still has some unaddressed feelings there though (contacting me to give me meaningless possession back then meeting up and walking away without saying anything, seemed like a way of her trying to get a reaction from me since I hadn't given her one since she got back).

 

Does it bother you that you won't see them again?

 

I feel like although i don't want her back, I'm still struggling about how unnatural our relationship came to an end, it didn't play itself out. Everything was perfect, she went away. If she hadn't gone away we would still be together. I still haven't had the chance to talk to her about what really happened (because of my NC) and it's been like the person i was closest to in this world has just disappeared and I don't have any answers or closure. I've moved on fairly well but it still baffles me a bit when I over think it.

[Jono85]

Does it bother you that you won't see them again?

 

I feel like although i don't want her back, I'm still struggling about how unnatural our relationship came to an end, it didn't play itself out. Everything was perfect, she went away. If she hadn't gone away we would still be together. I still haven't had the chance to talk to her about what really happened (because of my NC) and it's been like the person i was closest to in this world has just disappeared and I don't have any answers or closure. I've moved on fairly well but it still baffles me a bit when I over think it.

 

That's not true. That's how I felt with my ex too, b/c she left me for her ex, but everything seemed perfect (she even initiated our first I Love Yous a week before we broke up). I told myself initially that if he never came back in her life, we woulda still stayed together. They weren't even talking and she was moving on and happy with me, until he came crawling back and getting intense with her.

 

 

The truth is though, for both of us, that our relationships weren't as strong as we thought. If all it takes is her going away for a few months, or meeting another cool cute guy, and is willing to throw away everything you guys built, be glad that you found this out NOW. It was only a matter of time. Trust me.

 

The pain lies not within things like "well we'd still be together if so and so didn't happen", but rather "i thought she was really happy with me, but she obviously wasn't". It's hard to accept, but in both of our cases, she wasn't into us as much as she either led on, or as much as we imagined. And yes, that sucks. But accept it and try to move on.

 

But don't ever think that things would have been roses had she not went away, it's just not true. Something else would have been the reason, and you would have been even more deep into your relationship. You weren't the one for her, and she's obviously not the one for you.

[MIK1000]

That's not true. That's how I felt with my ex too, b/c she left me for her ex, but everything seemed perfect (she even initiated our first I Love Yous a week before we broke up). I told myself initially that if he never came back in her life, we woulda still stayed together. They weren't even talking and she was moving on and happy with me, until he came crawling back and getting intense with her.

 

 

The truth is though, for both of us, that our relationships weren't as strong as we thought. If all it takes is her going away for a few months, or meeting another cool cute guy, and is willing to throw away everything you guys built, be glad that you found this out NOW. It was only a matter of time. Trust me.

 

The pain lies not within things like "well we'd still be together if so and so didn't happen", but rather "i thought she was really happy with me, but she obviously wasn't". It's hard to accept, but in both of our cases, she wasn't into us as much as she either led on, or as much as we imagined. And yes, that sucks. But accept it and try to move on.

 

But don't ever think that things would have been roses had she not went away, it's just not true. Something else would have been the reason, and you would have been even more deep into your relationship. You weren't the one for her, and she's obviously not the one for you.

 

Yeah you're right that it she wasn't the one for me, and that her love for me wasn't as deep as i thought, but I also think that before she went away she thought herself she was madly in love with me, talked about marriage like it was a given and this was the way she was through out the entirety of our relationship which last 16 months. I was even away on holiday with her and her family before she went away, if she felt the relationship was dying she would never of asked me to come.

 

But yeah, given the sort of person she has exposed herself to be, there would no doubt be something else further down the line that she would have left me for, e.g a colleague she worked with or someone that she got close to and yeah it's better i didn't get any deeper into the relationship. But I think that given the circumstances of the break up, it was a lot harder to take, because I felt that she wouldn't be having this feelings if she was with me, I felt like she had forgotten what we had and I couldn't even see or talk to her to try and deal with it. I felt like, if she was at home and we had the argument, I would run round the corner a few hours later, hug her and everything would be fine again. Having to deal with it while she was away having the time of her life was agony and the unnatural ending to the relationship is still what bugs me.

 

The new guy isn't even cute either, in fact he's pretty ugly, where as she is stunning (not just saying that because i went out with her). That makes me feel a bit better actually, it's not like she's upgraded.

[Sugarkane]

After the way my ex treated me, I sure would blank that jerk. I wouldn't say hello at all.

[radiodarcy]

But don't ever think that things would have been roses had she not went away, it's just not true. Something else would have been the reason, and you would have been even more deep into your relationship. You weren't the one for her, and she's obviously not the one for you.

 

i agree with Jono. i was recently dumped by someone (not by the ex i've been referring to but another guy). we had only been dating a little over a month. but i really liked him and i thought he felt the same.

 

a week after our third date we had been corresponding back and forth. he even said something about us getting together when he got back from visiting his family for thanksgiving. and then literally the next day i got an email from him saying he met someone via ok cupid (which is how we met) a few weeks prior, totally clicked with her and would rather pursue a relationship with her than me.

 

needless to say i was stunned and extremely hurt. but i have to say in the back of my mind - - i sort of saw it coming before it happened. there were little signs that he wasn't as interested - - he totally checked out one girl one our last date (i have no problem with a wandering eye but he was so blatant about it's like he wanted me to notice); the conversation seemed forced; he seemed distracted.

 

all signs pointed to - - it wasn't working out. even though i couldn't quite admit it to myself at the time. but as much it hurt to go through that. it was good to know that i was capable of having feelings for someone other than my ex. and over time MIK, you will be able to do the same.

 

as for my ex prior - - does it bother me that we'll never speak again. surely. he was my first love; my first everything. not to mention we started out as friends before anything happened. so he'll always occupy a special place in my heart. even though i can honestly say i don't love him anymore.

 

it would have been nice to have been able to have the friendship back to the way it was before. but too much has happened and it's clear that that isn't an option. i offered him the olive branch - - but he didn't seem too keen on accepting it. which does sting. but i'll get over it. and honestly - - if he's still going to play these silly games with me then i don't need him in my life as a friend anyway.

Edited December 13, 2011 by radiodarcy