Giving BF space after an argument?

[missed_theboat]

So, my boyfriend and I got into an argument on Saturday.

 

He said some mean things, because he is disappointed that I have not been nice to him lately. I've been really bratty, even though he has been super sweet and kind to me.

 

Finally, it broke when he made a comment about my friends, although he was only joking. I got a little upset and called him. He answered "What's up?"

 

I said, "Does something have to be UP for me to call?"

 

That set him off. He's been so nice and I was just bitter and rude. So, he basically got mad at me and we argued for a while. Then, he said he was done with the conversation. Well, I kind of have a problem with leaving him alone when he asks, so I called him again. He said "Don't make this about you!" and hung up. He told me to just leave him alone, and stop calling.

 

I texted him, telling him I was sorry and asking if he was upset because of what I said, or other things. I called again and again, without him answering. He finally said, "Keep calling. Remember what I said about you not giving me space. Keep calling and see what happens."

 

I texted him once more and he was angry that I couldn't just leave him alone. Finally, I got the message.

 

Then, the rest of the night I didn't hear from him.

 

Today I traveled with my friend to do some job-training and I didn't think I'd hear from him.

 

He wrote "Have a safe flight. Enjoy Atlanta." and I didn't have my phone on, so I didn't get his texts, so he kept writing, "Hope you're okay."

 

A couple hours later (I had not turned my phone back on from being on the airplane), he wrote "I'm starting to get worried..."

 

Then, "I'm assuming you have lost your phone."

 

Finally, I responded, saying I had gotten here okay and I was in my hotel. He said "ok."

 

Then I said "Thank you for thinking of me! Have a lovely day, darling."

 

To which he replied, "You too."

 

I'm assuming now just to continue giving him space and let him decide how to contact me, and when. I was worried that he was super-mad and wouldn't contact me, but he did. So I feel like that's a good thing, right? He cares enough to be concerned about me and even though he's not being super-chatty, I will have to be patient and have faith. My friend instructed me to write something nice and not question him or probe about what he's up to. That way, he knows I'm okay here and that I appreciate his concern, but that I am still willing to give him space and let him decide, since I was the one who flubbed up.

 

What do you think? Did I do the right thing, or could I have done something else? I just noticed he wasn't giving me that lovey-dovey talk that he normally does, but I can't expect that right away, huh?

[Imageiko]

I'm gonna be blunt, you are starting to act a bit nutty. You need to relax, he clearly cares about you and unless you get it under control you are going to push him away. You have to accept that he does care about you and that you don't need constant reassurance that that's the case.

 

Your boyfriend should be a complimentary part of your life, not your whole life. Find some other activities besides work to occupy your time.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm gonna be blunt, you are starting to act a bit nutty. You need to relax, he clearly cares about you and unless you get it under control you are going to push him away. You have to accept that he does care about you and that you don't need constant reassurance that that's the case.

 

Your boyfriend should be a complimentary part of your life, not your whole life. Find some other activities besides work to occupy your time.

Agreed. You sound like a handful.

 

Of course, it seems to me that men prefer women who are a handful over cool, laid-back women.

 

But I'm sure everybody's got a limit to how much trouble they can put up with. Don't push your guy past his.

[missed_theboat]

Good point. I kept it under control today and he ended up calling me about an hour ago, to chat... see how I was, etc. We didn't talk about the fight, but we were nice and we said I love you. Everything is good for now, but you're right. I need to stop searching for reassurance that he loves me, but instead realize that he does. But if I continue down this path, he'll surely leave me. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I continue to create problems, they will appear.

 

And yeah, maybe some men prefer drama-queens, but I don't want to be like that... my guy would prefer I was laid-back and happy, confident. And so would I. Now's no better time to prove that I can be that way.

[carhill]

What do you think?

Leave it alone until he proactively contacts you or you are back home and can resolve it face to face. In fact, I'd suggest that even if he calls and brings up the issue. 'Honey, I want to resolve this and it'll be Job #1 when I get home'

 

With few exceptions, relationship issues such as this should be resolved in person, IMO.

 

Slow and steady. Take a breath.

 

ETA, I wrote without OP's last post existing but will leave my advice as is.

[LZ2000]

This whole scenario is caused mainly by a lack of respect, appreciation, consideration and understanding, I assume.

 

Luckily it did not snowballed into a scenario which would be even worse.

[missed_theboat]

We just chatted on the phone again. He told me he was going out with a friend (female) tomorrow to do a Christmas Angel (for needy kids) and he was telling me to be open and honest, since he figured I'd be upset about it. I said I wasn't. It kind of hurt me to know he'd seen her on Friday night without me knowing, but he assured me they are just friends and that he had gone out with her after a tiff we'd had because he wanted to hang out with someone. I asked if he had feelings for her and he got uptight and said "No!... do I ask you that about your guy-friends?" He said it was nice and pleasant to hang out with her, as she is a fun and funny person to be with, but that I have no competition and that it's just nice to have friends (which he has none).

 

 

I am a little perturbed he didn't tell me until now about going out with her Friday (for coffee). I am confused. He doesn't have any friends at the current moment. I just feel like I'm being irrational by being upset by this, because when we were broken up, he was "talking" to her, although they never actually went out. He said she's fun and that he told her he got back with me and she was okay with that. I just hope nothing else is going on. I do trust him, but my insecurity issues flare up hardcore when crap like this happens.

[Els]

Hon, I think you need to reign those anxieties in a bit. I second carhill's advice. Try to chill and not think about the relationship and him so much for now. You'll be back soon, right? Far easier and less anxiety-inducing to just wait til you get back before settling stuff, rather than worrying about the what-ifs now.

[missed_theboat]

Hon, I think you need to reign those anxieties in a bit. I second carhill's advice. Try to chill and not think about the relationship and him so much for now. You'll be back soon, right? Far easier and less anxiety-inducing to just wait til you get back before settling stuff, rather than worrying about the what-ifs now.

 

 

I'll be here a week and I'm coming back Saturday. We had planned to meet up Saturday, when I get back, but who knows now... since we are currently kind of in a strange place. Meanwhile, he's out hanging out with other chicks who are far more fun at this moment. I know, I'm being petty, but I feel kind of irked by this.

 

And plus we don't live near each other, so even if I came back home, it doesn't mean I'll see him anytime soon. We live about an hour and a half apart. So Saturday may or may not be a chance to see him. Now, he's just as irked with me about my reactions to things. He thought it was rude for me to ask if he has feelings for this girl. He doesn't, and he thought that was a dumb remark for me to make, that implied a sense of insecurity. He told me he was going out with her, so I guess that should be enough for me. I can't forbid him to have girl friends or whatever. I wouldn't want to. This just comes at a very inopportune time. I can't help but wonder if we were all fine and dandy if he would be making plans with someone else or have even gone to meet her for coffee.

 

Ugh I'll never know, because of my attitude. You're right. I have to CHILL and focus on this training and having a good time, and just TRUST HIM and assume the best. He is just upset with me and tired of the run-around and not being treated the way he deserves.

 

Just about a week and a half ago, it was talking about us getting married or starting a life together. Now it's all about how he's not even sure what to do next about us. My friend says, what does worrying do for you now? Nothing. Just makes me more anxious. A never-ending cycle.

 

When he calls tomorrow to tell me how his venture with this girl went, I am going to have to remain calm and kind and assume the best and not get jealous or insecure and wonder if they laughed and giggled and had a grand time doing something we did together last year and that was a really special thing for us. Ugh. I'm fraught with idiotic, damaging emotions

 

And yes, it does stem from lack of respect, appreciation, consideration and understanding, LZ2000.

[jobaba]

So, my boyfriend and I got into an argument on Saturday.

 

He said some mean things, because he is disappointed that I have not been nice to him lately. I've been really bratty, even though he has been super sweet and kind to me.

 

Finally, it broke when he made a comment about my friends, although he was only joking. I got a little upset and called him. He answered "What's up?"

 

I said, "Does something have to be UP for me to call?"

 

I'd be careful if I was you. If you continue to be high maintenance and he's a guy who has other options, he WILL exercise those options...

 

You probably should also not post his picture for the world to see when you're giving gory details of your relationship problems...

Edited December 12, 2011 by jobaba

[snowflakes88]

I took a peek at your post history... good Lord, woman. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really think you could benefit from professional help. Your anxiety and insecurity are not normal, and you are certain to ruin this (and any other relationship you might find yourself in) if you continue down this path. It sounds like your bf really loves you - he must to put up with your behavior. But everyone has a limit, and he will reach his eventually. And there will come a time when he won't come back.

 

You probably should also not post his picture for the world to see when you're giving gory details of your relationship problems...

 

Agreed. I wouldn't like it.

[snug.bunny]

I read in your first thread on LS, that you got on your boyfriend's case for finding porn on his Ipod and then you proceeded to interrogate him with how often he masturbates and not to hide it from you. I can only imagine, how angry your boyfriend must have felt over that...

 

Get this straight. Your boyfriend can masturbate any damn time he pleases, that is NONE of your business. I would flip on you, had you done that to me. Do you have any idea, how humiliating that must have been for him?

 

Don't mean to drudge that out into this thread, but, I think it is important to point out in terms of how irrational you are being towards your boyfriend. Get it together, and when he says he needs a bit of space, give it to him and lay off. Try try try your hardest, to expand that energy elsewhere, versus tightening the rope around his neck.

[make me believe]

I got a little upset and called him. He answered "What's up?"

 

I said, "Does something have to be UP for me to call?

 

WTF?? Why in the world would you say such a b*tchy response to a perfectly normal greeting? Then you kept hounding him over & over again when he asked for some space, and from what you've written it sounds like you do that everytime. Now I don't think that frequently asking for "space" is a healthy response to an argument or relationship issue, but honestly you sound like a nightmare to be in a realtionship with. You need to work on your issues BEFORE you get into a relationship.

[dasein]

OP's behavior has been controlling and clingy, but it's not OK for BF to be going out with women friends you don't know while you are having these kinds of relationship troubles. There's a chance he is trying to force a breakup and figures it will be easy to goad you into it. Even if not, his taking advantage of the situation to do things he normally wouldn't feel right doing (as he told you when he expected you not to be OK with it... what loving partner sets that up?) is a very bad sign. Agree with carhill, get face to face to handle these current issues and similar going forward. Start preparing yourself for the possibility of a breakup. Good luck.

[Nexus One]

First of all, let me say you acted immaturely and if you make that a habit, he'll dump you.

 

You say you wanted reassurance he loves you, but by acting like you did you're just annoying him and giving off a crazy vibe.

 

There are guys that would take a lot from a woman, who don't have clearly defined thresholds/limits and there are guys that tend to be tolerant overall, but who have their thresholds and limits and once you push a guy like that over a threshold, then you'll lose him. I think your boyfriend, like me, falls in the latter category. I'll take sh*t only up to a certain point, push it beyond that point and I'll end it and leave.

 

Look, repeatedly calling and bugging him isn't the worst of things you could do, but it's quite possible you lost some credit there with him. He at the very least now thinks you have an immature side to you and he doesn't like that side judging from the way he reacted to it.

 

To you it's asking for reassurance he loves you, to him it's crazy behavior. I'd say talk to him about it and explain why you did what you did, otherwise what you did comes across as completely irrational.

[LZ2000]

I'd say talk to him about it and explain why you did what you did, otherwise what you did comes across as completely irrational.

 

This piece of advice is critically important and could not be ignored I feel.

 

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend 1 month ago, precisely because of her unwillingness to explain her unreasonable behaviors and her unwillingness to even communicate with me with even simple emails which contain at least a few sentences.

 

If you truly care about your relationship:

 

1) explain your reasons for being the way you were to your boyfriend

2) apologize SINCERELY for having caused any worry or distress you may have caused to your boyfriend

Edited December 12, 2011 by LZ2000

[missed_theboat]

I have explained that my insecurity is a cause for my constant negative behavior and that I am going to put myself in check. I know it's crazy. I know if it continues I will ruin this relationship. I know he's a loving man, but I have pushed his limits time and again.

 

I was so anxious before bed last night and was wide awake at 1am. He called me (he's usually not awake that late either) saying he was sorry for acting rude these last couple days--that he just wants us to be kind to one another. I said "No, I'm sorry for being rude and unkind to you."

 

He said "You've just been unfair..."

 

We settled that matter and we got off to a good start. He said he was hanging out with this girl because he has NO friends (literally... except his dog). He's been having anxiety issues for a while and finally is getting himself out there to talk to people. He said they're going to put it off for another day, but that I should trust him and know that I have lots of guy friends and he is not in any way upset that I hang out with them frequently. He says that he and this girl are going to do an Angel Tree (for the needy kids) because they had planned to before and it's a fun and helpful thing to do.

 

I have apologized sincerely and what he wants from me now is ACTION! I cannot react strongly to anything...

 

My main problem is my reactions. I am rational until it comes to a certain point, then I just blow up....and the consequences are dire.

 

He knows that I am having difficulties as of late, with my personal self. He is willing to love me anyway. He's a keeper. I need to get MYSELF together, though, or I won't know what it's like to have a wonderful man in my life like him.

[missed_theboat]

About the picture, yeah I will take it down. Honestly, I don't even think it's right to be talking about the relationship at all like this, but it helps me to get my thoughts out and realize how irrational they are.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can really relate to you.

 

I tend to cause conflict and irrationally over-react to things.

 

I have been with my bf for 10 months and it's been very rocky from the start. I even broke up with him a few times. I have trust and insecurity issues and I am constantly fighting myself not to over-react. It's often a losing battle. My boyfriend has just about had about enough drama but he loves me and is willing to work it out. I am not sure when he will reach his limit.

 

I guess that the only thing that helps me when I react impulsively and irrationally, is to just explain my EXACT thought process. Every single detail (the more the better). He needs to see some logic behind it. A male friend of mine told me that (he once had a girlfriend similar to me. However, you really need to bare all. Be 100% honest. Relate to your past. Apology isn't enough. If you have an action plan on how you will eliminate or change a certain behavior, that's even better. Saying "I am sorry and I love you" really isn't enough.

[missed_theboat]

Yeah, what I am doing for myself is to try to focus on my own life more and build myself into a confident, strong woman so that I won't have to sit and dwell on things to do with him--I can just enjoy his company and his love.

 

I have explained to him how I feel. But I don't really know why I feel the way I do. Honestly, I haven't had any past partners that gave me any reason to be like this... The sad thing is, I can say exactly how I was feeling at the moment and realize it was wrong, but it's such a disgusting thought process. ICK.

[MyApology]

You are emotionally sucking the life out of this man and the relationship. Your personality is ingrained, and this is why you can see the problem of your reactions, but cannot restrain yourself from acting out in the same fashion over and over again.

Personality is a tough one to fix, can be done, but not without a huge amount of time and effort spent inintense therapy.

Hope it works out the way you wish for it.

[missed_theboat]

You are emotionally sucking the life out of this man and the relationship. Your personality is ingrained, and this is why you can see the problem of your reactions, but cannot restrain yourself from acting out in the same fashion over and over again.

Personality is a tough one to fix, can be done, but not without a huge amount of time and effort spent inintense therapy.

Hope it works out the way you wish for it.

 

Yeah, it's not my personality, because I am confident when I'm single. I am usually good if I don't expect anything. I just have an anxiety that has come as of late and yes, therapy did help me. I am not going anymore, because I recently moved.

 

He loves me, and we've been through a lot (with each other) and I have dealt with some of his issues before. In fact, some of my own insecurity comes from his jealousy issues in the beginning. He has gained a lot of insight and has learned and helped himself. Now it's my turn.