Mr_Confused Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Frozen. Below are answers to your questions you asked on a separate thread: = confused, something i have asked you and you have never answered is the question of your responsibility in your marriage...what did YOU do that may have contributed to the problem? according to you, nothing. the only thing that you did that was "wrong" ( and you don't feel that it is wrong) was to have an affair....everything else in the state of your marriage is on your wife. BTW... about the "no sex for five years"thing....does that include the two years that you have been in your affair, or did your affair only start after the "five years" ( in which case, you will not have had sex for seven years ( the five you say you went without before starting your two year long affair, years during which i would assume you had no sex), or you were having sex with your wife much more recently than you would like to let on....it's just that it wasn't enough, or wasn't of the quality you thought it should be, etc. this illustrates what happens a lot of the time in affairs...the wayward spouse often changes what was going on in their marriage to make it seem as if their spouse somehow "deserved' it...the wayward spouse has done nothing wrong, it's all on their husband/wife My affair is ~2 years, my marriage is sexless for last 5 and challenged (to say the least) for an additional 5+. So to answer your quesiton - my affair started after about 3 years of ZERO sex. What did I do that contributed to the problem? Gee, I don't know. I guess whoever and whatever I am is not what she desires. I "gave up" a few years ago - I suppose that is noteworthy, a better man might have waited indefinitely. Beyond that I am simply myself and it appears that is not something she desires - assuming she desires intimacy with anyone. If you read my other posts you will see I gave up on figuring out "why" things are what there are - it just "is". When all is said and done - blame serves no purpose. So for everyone's benefit at this point I accept any and all fault - it is pointless. I don't "blame" her - how can I blame a woman for not wanting me? The only thing worse than being denied - is having her comply when her heart isn't in it - and I have done that as well - it's MUCH worse. Not sure hwy you think I feel justified, or blame her. I do neither, those actions are useless from my standpoint, they may provide some internal sense of being "right" - but they are pointless in terms of fixing our problems or moving on. We are two people that grew apart. I just accept it as that. It happens in friendships, it happens in marriages, yet for some reason in marriages people often want to find out who was at "fault". Fault me - I don't care. I don't rewrite history, nor do I dwell on it. It's done, I can't change it. Years have rolled by and that time have created a divide between us I can't seem to bridge - obviously my affair doesn't help. I can't go to the dry well but so many times and send that damn bucket down again hoping for a different results. I've written all I can here and have little new to add - I can just say I couldn't fix it then - not alone - and I have lost interest in fixing it now. Yes, I could have left three years ago, but I have no regrets in hindsight. Without walking you through all of the details, a divorce now is financially a different world for us - we are just much better off than during the 08' financial collapse. My daughter is so much more mature at 14 than 11. Our marriage fell apart. I know the "honorable" thing to do was bail out absent of an affair, or hang on in my sexless and loveless marriage a few more years, but I couldn't. We've continued to co-exist as roommates, my affair being discovered was anyting but devastating to her, and we are all in a much better position to handle a divorce, provide for our child, and have the financial resources to support our lifestyle and take on the challenges of "co-parenting" without financial duress. I have zero pride in what I done, I have shame in my failed marriage. I knew when I entered my affair that my marriage was DONE every way but legally - and I am thankful I stayed, was a full-time parent, and took the steps necessary to secure our financial livelihood. As for my OW - I am forever grateful she was there. She has been a savior to me. We may never make it in the real world, un-fogged, we shall see. I like our chances but the odds are against us. I know all of that. I hope things work, but if they don't I will have no regrets. I betrayed my wife in a way she had no interest in me (physically/sexually), and stood behind my family as a provider. I will pursue divorce in 2012 as well as my own happiness. My wife will be fine, she will have the finances necessary to keep her current lifestyle and I hope she can find love and intimacy down the road.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 You are a better man then me. I still shake my head in disgust at any who question you after the honesty you shown in each and every post. I'd be fighting tooth and nail everyone who has looked to blame you since your first post. You are right, she fell out of love with you or something and has used you for five (maybe ten years) solely for your cheque book and only your commitment to your child kept you around. How about asking how many women go sexless and stay only for the money and the lifestyle? But that of course is more complicated, because she DID NOT CHEAT, and thus is the sympathetic figure.
frozensprouts Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 mr.confused... such is your take on your situation, and you know it better than anyone on here my point has always been that there is a different perspective here...that of your wife, and i think you will agree that you can't really give that, as you don't know what it is- i don't know if anyone can really know what is going on in someone else's mind my opinion( for what it is worth) is that you are doing the right thing by divorcing your wife. you will both be happier apart... i will stop picking at you now:), and even though you may not think it, i do wish you happiness in your life
stillafool Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Good luck to you Mr_Confused on your divorce.
seren Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Mr Confused, it seems that somehow during the thread I posted, you have felt the need to justify your experience, I apologise if my questions prompted or felt like, it was about your situation, that wasn't my intent. FWIW, I cannot imagine living in a marriage without intimacy and from what you have shared, very honestly, if you had the opportunity you would have worked on your marriage and tried to fix whatever it is that is broken. I cannot imagine living with someone on a day to day basis where I felt not loved or wanted, frankly, I would leave, in fact I did leave my second husband for much the same thing, moved into a hostel for the homeless and started to build a new life for me and my son. No matter how hard that was, it was infinitely better than the alternative, even though we could have lived an amiable life. But that was my life and situation. I am assuming your wife knows you are having an A, if this is the case then your situation sounds more like an open marriage. if she doesn't know then of course it would be an affair. So while I can fully understand the loneliness of being in a relationship without intimacy or love, I cannot understand remaining in one. This is not a pot shot, each to our own, and it might be that your wife does indeed know and while not happy about it accepts that this is a factor of you both remaining together, I hope that it is the case and that she has made a decison to stay based upon informed choice.
ThinkBelieve Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 (edited) Mr C, After reading all of your posts, and in the clarity and detail in which you have written them, I am certain many here (myself included), think the best of you, and wish you the best, as you prepare for your future. I know this is unchartered waters and I hope it all goes smoothly for you. I appreciate you for sharing your experiences, perspective, and insight, and again, I do sincerely thank you for your help...in my posts also...as well. Most importantly, I wish you a lifetime full of happiness. Edited December 12, 2011 by ThinkBelieve Typos...
beenburned Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Mr C, I hope you find the happiness and love that you yearn for! Is it possible that your wife is having an affair, or in love with someone else? Or maybe decided she is a lesbian?
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