soulm8 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 I think we might have a few similarities. The guy I saw on Friday night seems like he's stepping up so we shall see. Today he asked me for a second date so maybe I read him wrong? We shall see how it goes. He's 48....I'm 33. He's definitely the oldest I've ever dated. Maybe that's what I need? Girl I don't know anymore! I don't know either! I'm in 2nd date territory as well, not including the coffee meet-up. He's 45, and he went in for a kiss on the lips saying good bye! I'm rootin for ya!! Try to relax and have FUN... smile a lot ... that's what I keep telling myself!
Eddie Edirol Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Cocoa on one hand, I dont know if a 48 year old guy will have the patience or energy to aggressively take charge all the time. But on the other hand, there are ways to take charge with your words the he might have learned, so who knows. You cant soften yourself, the way you are now- is your essence and it will rear its head back eventually, and you will get resentful, and the poor guy wont understand what happened. All you can do is keep searching until you find that guy that is more aggressive than you.
dasein Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 OP get in an environment where the men have more testosterone, athletic clubs, gyms, outdoor groups. Go to more basic bars or cigar bars where masculine men who have active jobs hang out as opposed to chichi clubs where metrosexuals go. You will be getting more physical attention in no time.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 Cocoa on one hand, I dont know if a 48 year old guy will have the patience or energy to aggressively take charge all the time. But on the other hand, there are ways to take charge with your words the he might have learned, so who knows. You cant soften yourself, the way you are now- is your essence and it will rear its head back eventually, and you will get resentful, and the poor guy wont understand what happened. All you can do is keep searching until you find that guy that is more aggressive than you. Yeah I've been thinking about this alot actually and searching is what it's gonna take cause ultimately it's what I need...that's all there is to it. You are right about the resentful part. I think that's why I was sooooooooooooo frustrated right before I broke it off with the last guy. So much had built up and even though I was trying to be patient with him, I knew he wasn't going to change into what I needed. BUT I have to say I've been making a list of some experiences that helped get me to this place and (without going into complete detail) there are things I can change but it's going to take me working on a few issues. Just being aware of it has helped in the last couple of days. I can accept being a work in progress! The 48 year old is doing pretty well so far. He's also bringing to my attention things others have probably observed but weren't bold enough to lay on the table which is actually very refreshing. We shall see.......
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 I don't know either! I'm in 2nd date territory as well, not including the coffee meet-up. He's 45, and he went in for a kiss on the lips saying good bye! I'm rootin for ya!! Try to relax and have FUN... smile a lot ... that's what I keep telling myself! Oooooo already going for the kiss! Good sign! You said he's 45 but how old are you?
soulm8 Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 This will be my last Christmas and New Year's as a 30 something Do you think it has anything to do with where you're meeting the men Cocoa? I don't, personally. I really do think it has a lot more to do with how we hold back, patiently waiting for him to make us feel secure. That in and of itself makes many men insecure/doubt our interest... and puts them in the position of thinking they have to behave around us. At least that's what I've been thinking.
DearAbby Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I didn't even read your post. I got as far as "what's wrong with me?" That is what's wrong with you. Did you ever sit down and say what's wrong with him? There is nothing wrong with you. Anyone who asks that question is obviously insecure. Work on yourself until your self esteem is higher. If you are not comfortable with your physical side, join a gym, whatever it takes. When a guy doesn't like me, I don't ask whats wrong with me? I know that he 100% is Gay and not interested in females. LMAO that's a joke, but I don't take it personally LOL
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 I didn't even read your post. I got as far as "what's wrong with me?" That is what's wrong with you. Did you ever sit down and say what's wrong with him? There is nothing wrong with you. Anyone who asks that question is obviously insecure. Work on yourself until your self esteem is higher. If you are not comfortable with your physical side, join a gym, whatever it takes. When a guy doesn't like me, I don't ask whats wrong with me? I know that he 100% is Gay and not interested in females. LMAO that's a joke, but I don't take it personally LOL Yeah, you should have taken the time to read some the posts because you would have had the information you needed before making assumptions. Unlike you I realize I'm not perfect and that it's not always the other person. But, thanks anyway.
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 So you want to date a disgusting pig. Go date one then? What an overreaction! Slapping a girl's ass, grabbing her, or forcing your hand up her shirt isn't disgusting, it's aggressive. She's aggressive herself and likes aggressiveness in men, it's not uncommon. She didn't say she wanted to be slapped and raped, just treated a little roughly.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 This will be my last Christmas and New Year's as a 30 something Do you think it has anything to do with where you're meeting the men Cocoa? I don't, personally. I really do think it has a lot more to do with how we hold back, patiently waiting for him to make us feel secure. That in and of itself makes many men insecure/doubt our interest... and puts them in the position of thinking they have to behave around us. At least that's what I've been thinking. What is for???? Don't be sad! From looking at your pic you still look good! Um, I don't think it has anything to do with where I'm meeting them but I think you and I are a little different in what we need. I just want a confident assertive man who isn't thrown off by my strong personality. God, it's hard to explain but again that one response from Kaylan (sp?) is what I'm looking for. It was like yes yes YES! FINALLY someone gets it! And maybe that's what you're trying to say you need and I'm totally missing it. Hell, I don't know. My energy drink hasn't kicked in yet! lol
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I have no interest in slapping womens' asses whether I am "flirting" with someone I don't know, or in a committed relationship. I find it offensive. It isn't within my personality and I have no desire to do it. It is a focus of porn, for some reason, and is also used by womens' groups to demonstrate the "devaluation of women" in porn. Similarly, sticking my hand up a woman's shirt is another sign of disrespect and piggish behavior. I guess I could imagine romantic situations where it could happen within context, or roleplay, but the fact that you listed those specific things, and the way in which you listed them speaks volumes. I don't think you are in touch with what you really want in a man. I don't think you understand that not all men would want to behave this way, and it isn't just "shyness" or that they wish they could do it but can't get the nerve to. We just don't want to. A man who respects women wouldn't want to behave in the way you describe. Therefore, just admit your worse nature and go after a man who doesn't respect you, and will treat your body like a sex toy. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's what you inherently want based on your core identity. Otherwise you're just living in denial and will never have what you really want. This is so 1950s Ward and June Cleaver-ish, although I'm not even sure Ward and June were this prudish. There's nothing at all wrong with the OP--nor is she at all uncommon. A man being aggressive in his desire for a woman without ever coming anywhere near violence doesn't necessarily disrespect a woman--ideally, it's a sign he desires her, a LOT, and his aggressiveness is a way to show that desire.
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 What an overreaction! Slapping a girl's ass, grabbing her, or forcing your hand up her shirt isn't disgusting, it's aggressive. She's aggressive herself and likes aggressiveness in men, it's not uncommon. She didn't say she wanted to be slapped and raped, just treated a little roughly. ChessPiece is a radical angry man
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 What an overreaction! Slapping a girl's ass, grabbing her, or forcing your hand up her shirt isn't disgusting, it's aggressive. She's aggressive herself and likes aggressiveness in men, it's not uncommon. She didn't say she wanted to be slapped and raped, just treated a little roughly. :lmao: I mean I guess if it's a complete stranger it could be disgusting. If I'm dating someone and we are making out for the 3rd or 4th time and I need to guide his hand up my shirt or between my legs it's just a little frustrating for me know what I mean? Especially if I've gone that far with him...it's kinda letting him know what I want! If we are past the initial touching stage and you're at my house for dinner there is nothing wrong with a pat (or 4 lol) on my ass to let me know you like what you see especially when I've made an effort to look nice for you!
EnigmaticClarity Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I didn't even read your post. I got as far as "what's wrong with me?" That is what's wrong with you. Did you ever sit down and say what's wrong with him? There is nothing wrong with you. Anyone who asks that question is obviously insecure. Work on yourself until your self esteem is higher. If you are not comfortable with your physical side, join a gym, whatever it takes. When a guy doesn't like me, I don't ask whats wrong with me? I know that he 100% is Gay and not interested in females. LMAO that's a joke, but I don't take it personally LOL It's not anywhere near that simple. Something is wrong with all of us at times--assuming you're perfect is at least mildly delusional and is a sign of false confidence, a belief in yourself that can at times become disconnected from the reality of your actions and the effects you're having on others. True confidence includes the ability to be secure enough take a look at yourself to make sure you aren't at fault for problems in your life, and the OP fully appears to possess both the confidence and humility to do that, hence her post.
SomewhatExperienced Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 The solution to your problem is to date ME! Just kidding. But I could almost write exactly the same post as I feel like I'm experiencing just the same issue. I guess embrace the fact that you're satisfied with your life and don't NEED someone to make you happy. I think that's healthy. It's the gameplan I've had so far. I figure I'll just keep doing my thing and eventually one of those quarters will drop.
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 :lmao: I mean I guess if it's a complete stranger it could be disgusting. If I'm dating someone and we are making out for the 3rd or 4th time and I need to guide his hand up my shirt or between my legs it's just a little frustrating for me know what I mean? Especially if I've gone that far with him...it's kinda letting him know what I want! If we are past the initial touching stage and you're at my house for dinner there is nothing wrong with a pat (or 4 lol) on my ass to let me know you like what you see especially when I've made an effort to look nice for you! I totally get the appeal. It's extremely hot and yummy to have a man (that you want) slap your ass, grab you passionately and grope you. Definitely makes me feel sexually desirable --- and it's just all around exciting and good
KathyM Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Ok I can understand that and I'm taking it in. So when I'm sitting back and wanting them to take the lead so to speak, why is this still an issue? I WANT a man to be the dominant one. I don't want to do the "work" and would like to be pursued. I don't want to emasculate anyone....definitely want him to feel like and be the man in the relationship. So, really you didn't answer my question which was what can I do differently? You say you want the man to take charge and be the dominant one, but something about you is giving them the opposite vibe. You need to figure out what that is, and tone it down. There may be a cultural element here, and I know that black women tend to be very assertive and dominant, and that is part of the culture, but I do know for a fact that a lot of black men would prefer otherwise. I used to post on a sports message board that was mainly occupied by black men. There was a discussion about having a relationship with a "sister" as opposed to other cultures where women were more submissive. A lot of them did prefer the more submissive women, because they do like to feel like the dominant male that they want to be. Unless guys are a strong alpha male that can handle your type, you're probably going to scare away the less dominant males. I know the females in your culture are generally the more dominant ones, and that is ingrained in you, but I'm just suggesting that is what is also creating the problem for you. Unless a guy is a strong alpha male, he's going to feel intimidated by you.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 16, 2011 Author Posted December 16, 2011 You say you want the man to take charge and be the dominant one, but something about you is giving them the opposite vibe. You need to figure out what that is, and tone it down. There may be a cultural element here, and I know that black women tend to be very assertive and dominant, and that is part of the culture, but I do know for a fact that a lot of black men would prefer otherwise. I used to post on a sports message board that was mainly occupied by black men. There was a discussion about having a relationship with a "sister" as opposed to other cultures where women were more submissive. A lot of them did prefer the more submissive women, because they do like to feel like the dominant male that they want to be. Unless guys are a strong alpha male that can handle your type, you're probably going to scare away the less dominant males. I know the females in your culture are generally the more dominant ones, and that is ingrained in you, but I'm just suggesting that is what is also creating the problem for you. Unless a guy is a strong alpha male, he's going to feel intimidated by you. Don't even get me started on black men who say they don't date black women because they aren't submissive enough. But, I've picked out the parts of your post that are helpful so thanks!
soulm8 Posted December 16, 2011 Posted December 16, 2011 I just want a confident assertive man who isn't thrown off by my strong personality. God, it's hard to explain but again that one response from Kaylan (sp?) is what I'm looking for. It was like yes yes YES! FINALLY someone gets it! And maybe that's what you're trying to say you need and I'm totally missing it. Hell, I don't know. My energy drink hasn't kicked in yet! lol There's nothing wrong with having a "strong" personality. If "that" throws a man off... he's not right for you. Next! I forgot to go back to find the post I think you're referring to... if it was about "taming a sister" then yes, that's along the same lines as what I've been trying to say. By the time I think it should be perfectly clear to a man that he has the green light, I've either written him off as not interested enough or he has made the same assumption!
Eddie Edirol Posted December 17, 2011 Posted December 17, 2011 (edited) :lmao: I mean I guess if it's a complete stranger it could be disgusting. If I'm dating someone and we are making out for the 3rd or 4th time and I need to guide his hand up my shirt or between my legs it's just a little frustrating for me know what I mean? Especially if I've gone that far with him...it's kinda letting him know what I want! If we are past the initial touching stage and you're at my house for dinner there is nothing wrong with a pat (or 4 lol) on my ass to let me know you like what you see especially when I've made an effort to look nice for you! When a guy knows you want it, its not a problem to do that. But you have to understand, if the guys you are dating , date more than black women, they are conditioned by women that arent as attracted to them to move at that slow speed. Women go on dates with guys that they arent really attracted to, and are uncomfortable with making out, and stop the guy when he tries to put a hand on the ass or up the shirt. Or, the guy isnt very smooth with making moves, turns her off, and she shuts him down. All kinds of scenarios happen where the guy learns to take it easy when he cant quite read the woman. For these guys youre making out with, you could be abnormal, as the woman they run into that is actually attracted to them. Its hard to break habits, yknow? Most guys are just used to women who arent that very attracted to them, so they avoid taking chances. Edited December 17, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
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