CocoaBrown Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I'm so frustrated. Actually at this point I don't think there is a word to describe how I feel. I met and was dating a guy since the end of July. He's a nice guy and we enjoyed each other's company. But a couple of weeks ago I let him know that I'm going to be dating other people. Why? Because he's too damn shy! He never made the first move....even our first kiss was because I initiated it. He NEVER called me unless I asked him to and even then sometimes he didn't. He preferred to text. When I talked to him about it one time he said he's shy and not very aggressive and that I'm different then any woman he's ever dated and it's intimidating. Well to me it got to the point I felt like he just wasn't interested. I don't want to be the one to always text or call you. I don't want to have to constantly suggest you come over or that we go do something. I don't want to have to guide you. Sometimes I want you to plan a date and take me out. I want you to slap my ass, grab me, kiss me deeply and put your hands up my shirt. We haven't seen each other in over a month and a few days ago he texts me and says he misses me. Um, why not pick up the phone????????? I told him I miss him too because I do I'm not gonna lie, but I don't miss waiting for him to take the lead in some kinda way. I've never had experience with a shy man, so any insight on this would be great. Thing is, this isn't the first time I've been told I'm intimidating. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Now I will say I do have a VERY strong personality. I am the kind of person who wants someone in her life but my life won't stop if I don't. I guess I don't NEED someone in my life...could that be it? Should I have more of a "need" or give off more of a "needy" feeling? Am I too independent? I am not the type of woman who is going to agree with you on everything either. I know what I want and where I'm going. I am a sweet, loving and giving person though. I'm fun to date....love to laugh, cook for my man, affectionate....am a woman in every sense. So why can't I find a man who can handle that? Men are attracted to me....I always get attention when I go out....hell, even from women....so why can't I find someone to spend time with? I went on a date on Friday and we had a great time. Food was delicious, conversation was good and he was full of compliments. Told me how beautiful he thought I was when he first saw me and we laughed at the fact I figured out he was the one sending me drinks. BUT, I could tell he is intimidated by me. There was just a sense of him not being completely comfortable and it's so frustrating because it always happens!!!!! I have men who I've met out and they add me to their Facebook. They will text me, send me messages about how they want to see me and how we should go out, give me compliments on my pictures but then NOTHING!!!! WTF?!? I know no one here knows me well, but please.....I am begging.....PLEASE tell me what I can do differently. Any suggestions will help. I have tried taking the lead and calling to show interest and that doesn't work. I have tried holding back and acting like I need the man to do all the pursuing and that doesn't work. I'm at a loss. I just want to be myself and have someone truly appreciate who I am. I could understand and even accept it if these men just didn't find me attractive, but that's not the case. HELP!
soulm8 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I feel and share your pain CocoaBrown! It's very confusing and frustrating. I have no advice but will be following your thread for enlightenment
ChessPieceFace Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I want you to slap my ass, grab me, kiss me deeply and put your hands up my shirt. So you want to date a disgusting pig. Go date one then?
KathyM Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I'll take a stab at what the problem is. You said it yourself, actually. You are intimidating. Men don't like that, plain and simple. Not shy men, not outgoing men. Men don't want to feel dominated, and don't want to be around someone who is going to be a take charge kind of person. It's emasculating. Men think that they are and should be the stronger sex, and the dominant one. If they get the sense that you are bossy, domineering, overly assertive, take charge type that will cut them to the core if they do something that you don't want, or they think you'll want to control them, they'll run for the hills. Men don't want to feel emasculated and dominated in a relationship, unless they suffer from low self esteem and are looking for a mommy instead of an equal partner. You must be giving off the vibe that you would be this type of person.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 So you want to date a disgusting pig. Go date one then? lol I think you took that wrong or I should have worded it differently. I meant if I'm dating someone I don't want them to be too shy to touch me or think I don't want to be touched. That's all.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 I'll take a stab at what the problem is. You said it yourself, actually. You are intimidating. Men don't like that, plain and simple. Not shy men, not outgoing men. Men don't want to feel dominated, and don't want to be around someone who is going to be a take charge kind of person. It's emasculating. Men think that they are and should be the stronger sex, and the dominant one. If they get the sense that you are bossy, domineering, overly assertive, take charge type that will cut them to the core if they do something that you don't want, or they think you'll want to control them, they'll run for the hills. Men don't want to feel emasculated and dominated in a relationship, unless they suffer from low self esteem and are looking for a mommy instead of an equal partner. You must be giving off the vibe that you would be this type of person. Ok I can understand that and I'm taking it in. So when I'm sitting back and wanting them to take the lead so to speak, why is this still an issue? I WANT a man to be the dominant one. I don't want to do the "work" and would like to be pursued. I don't want to emasculate anyone....definitely want him to feel like and be the man in the relationship. So, really you didn't answer my question which was what can I do differently?
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 I feel and share your pain CocoaBrown! It's very confusing and frustrating. I have no advice but will be following your thread for enlightenment I'm sure hoping someone can offer some!
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Are you a black woman? Yes I am. It's saying that I have to make my message longer or it won't allow me to post so I repeat yes I am. lol
joystickd Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Yes I am. It's saying that I have to make my message longer or it won't allow me to post so I repeat yes I am. lol I figured that lol.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 I figured that lol. And I'm not surprised by your response. I took one look at your question and assumed you wouldn't have anything of quality to add, but thought you MIGHT surprise me. Keep it moving....I'm not going to entertain your ignorance.
ChessPieceFace Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 lol I think you took that wrong or I should have worded it differently. I meant if I'm dating someone I don't want them to be too shy to touch me or think I don't want to be touched. That's all. I have no interest in slapping womens' asses whether I am "flirting" with someone I don't know, or in a committed relationship. I find it offensive. It isn't within my personality and I have no desire to do it. It is a focus of porn, for some reason, and is also used by womens' groups to demonstrate the "devaluation of women" in porn. Similarly, sticking my hand up a woman's shirt is another sign of disrespect and piggish behavior. I guess I could imagine romantic situations where it could happen within context, or roleplay, but the fact that you listed those specific things, and the way in which you listed them speaks volumes. I don't think you are in touch with what you really want in a man. I don't think you understand that not all men would want to behave this way, and it isn't just "shyness" or that they wish they could do it but can't get the nerve to. We just don't want to. A man who respects women wouldn't want to behave in the way you describe. Therefore, just admit your worse nature and go after a man who doesn't respect you, and will treat your body like a sex toy. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's what you inherently want based on your core identity. Otherwise you're just living in denial and will never have what you really want.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Cocoa, I am a black man, and all I can tell you is this... If you pulled back your aggressive behavior, and it still didnt work, then you are choosing the wrong guys. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there until you meet a guy that naturally gives you what you want. Because from here, we cant see what your interactions are like. You could be fun and jokey, you could be loud and abnoxious on your dates, but we will never know. My only advise is that is you need to drop these guys the minute you sense they are too shy for you. Move on to the next guy that might be more dominant like you'd like. Just keep rolling the dice until you stop getting snake eyes.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I have no interest in slapping womens' asses whether I am "flirting" with someone I don't know, or in a committed relationship. I find it offensive. It isn't within my personality and I have no desire to do it. It is a focus of porn, for some reason, and is also used by womens' groups to demonstrate the "devaluation of women" in porn. Similarly, sticking my hand up a woman's shirt is another sign of disrespect and piggish behavior. I guess I could imagine romantic situations where it could happen within context, or roleplay, but the fact that you listed those specific things, and the way in which you listed them speaks volumes. I don't think you are in touch with what you really want in a man. I don't think you understand that not all men would want to behave this way, and it isn't just "shyness" or that they wish they could do it but can't get the nerve to. We just don't want to. A man who respects women wouldn't want to behave in the way you describe. Therefore, just admit your worse nature and go after a man who doesn't respect you, and will treat your body like a sex toy. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's what you inherently want based on your core identity. Otherwise you're just living in denial and will never have what you really want. You're reading waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much into that ONE part of what I said and you're waaaaaaaay off track. But, there is no way of explaining to you what I meant so I won't try.
kaylan Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 And I'm not surprised by your response. I took one look at your question and assumed you wouldn't have anything of quality to add, but thought you MIGHT surprise me. Keep it moving....I'm not going to entertain your ignorance. Its not about ignorance sister. Your name and your post gives it away that you were black. Im a brother, and generally sisters have a stronger personality than other ethnicity of women. This is not due to race but due to sociology. Due to our social class in Western nations, black women have a stronger personality due to upbringing and having to the backbone of the black community. Are you dating black men or latino men? Because usually they know how to tame a sister or any girl for that matter. If you are dating men who are not around black women or any urban women at all...they may be scared of taking charge do to not being used to it. What I love about sisters is they can be the strongest of the strong and the most timid of the timid once you assert yourself as the man. Its rather hot imo. Because I love both ends of the spectrum.
joystickd Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Yes I am. It's saying that I have to make my message longer or it won't allow me to post so I repeat yes I am. lol And I'm not surprised by your response. I took one look at your question and assumed you wouldn't have anything of quality to add, but thought you MIGHT surprise me. Keep it moving....I'm not going to entertain your ignorance. Ignorance lol. I was just curious. I will not say anymore on this thread. As you can see I'm black. I will say I don't like black women I just have too many bad memories but that could be the subject of another thread.
kaylan Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I will add this...in this day and age...some men like to be chased so a woman can really show them shes interested. Personally I dont like feeling like I have to woo a woman and win her over. I think it should be equal and that they have to win my favor as much as I have to win theirs.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Its not about ignorance sister. Your name and your post gives it away that you were black. Im a brother, and generally sisters have a stronger personality than other ethnicity of women. This is not due to race but due to sociology. Due to our social class in Western nations, black women have a stronger personality due to upbringing and having to the backbone of the black community. Are you dating black men or latino men? Because usually they know how to tame a sister or any girl for that matter. If you are dating men who are not around black women or any urban women at all...they may be scared of taking charge do to not being used to it. What I love about sisters is they can be the strongest of the strong and the most timid of the timid once you assert yourself as the man. Its rather hot imo. Because I love both ends of the spectrum. Sometimes it's not what you say but HOW you say it. I "hear" what you are saying, definitely agree with you and am not taking offense to it. But to answer your question I am dating black men. I have dated white men and am attracted to them, but right now prefer to date black men right now. I laugh when you say they usually know how to "tame" a woman cause that's what I'm waiting for!! Since you say you love both ends of the spectrum, in your opinion how can a woman who is on the stronger end soften herself? Would you consider that being fake? I have also been told that living in Portland, Oregon doesn't help. But, I don't know.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I will add this...in this day and age...some men like to be chased so a woman can really show them shes interested. Personally I dont like feeling like I have to woo a woman and win her over. I think it should be equal and that they have to win my favor as much as I have to win theirs. But I do this! I send flirty e-cards and texts, have brought men lunch and desserts to their jobs, etc. I knew one guy who liked a particular band so I looked up everywhere they played in Portland and made sure to take HIM out that night and treat him so he could enjoy. So what now??!! lol (I'm saying this in a joking way)
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Cocoa, I am a black man, and all I can tell you is this... If you pulled back your aggressive behavior, and it still didnt work, then you are choosing the wrong guys. All you can do is keep putting yourself out there until you meet a guy that naturally gives you what you want. Because from here, we cant see what your interactions are like. You could be fun and jokey, you could be loud and abnoxious on your dates, but we will never know. My only advise is that is you need to drop these guys the minute you sense they are too shy for you. Move on to the next guy that might be more dominant like you'd like. Just keep rolling the dice until you stop getting snake eyes. Thanks for your response Eddie. I have wondered if my "picker" is off but I'm ALWAYS ready and willing to look at myself and what else I could be doing wrong on my end. On a date I am sometimes nervous and serious at first but after I talk to them a little I'm fine. I am fun and if I'm feeling it then flirty. I was told by my last date that I'm more fun then he thought I was going to be. He said he thought I was going to be shy and quiet. That made me laugh cause I'm FAR from that. You said I need to drop them as soon as I sense they are too shy for me. Um, that was hard for me to do with the last guy because we clicked on EVERYTHING else! He was the only guy I've ever really talked about future things with too and I didn't want to just give up on him right away. But at the same time I grew resentful at feeling like I was "driving the bus". I don't wanna "drive the bus" I want a man to take control sometimes. I never want to think "oh he's not the one for me" just because this one thing comes up, but I guess you're right because at the end of the day it's a deal breaker for me and leaves me feeling frustrated.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Because usually they know how to tame a sister or any girl for that matter. I'm still stuck on this. Your post as a whole lets me know you get it, but this part was key. A man who knows this and understands there is nothing disrespectful about it is what I'm looking for.
soulm8 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 CocoaBrown, are you fairly reserved while getting to know a new man? Reading through this thread, I can see similarities in our style and wishes. As warm, friendly, engaging and outgoing as I can be... I'm consciously waiting for "proof" that the man is interested and trustworthy. I'm aware of the fact that I need to flirtatiously touch more and pay better attention to my own body language... rather than focusing so intently on his for cues.
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 CocoaBrown, are you fairly reserved while getting to know a new man? Reading through this thread, I can see similarities in our style and wishes. As warm, friendly, engaging and outgoing as I can be... I'm consciously waiting for "proof" that the man is interested and trustworthy. I'm aware of the fact that I need to flirtatiously touch more and pay better attention to my own body language... rather than focusing so intently on his for cues. Ummmmm I would say I'm not completely trusting at first. I've really been working on this because I know I can't take my bad past experience out on other men. It's not fair or healthy. I am flirty only after I'm feeling it but not right away by any means. I can't really explain how I feel, only that one person on this thread (can't remember his name) hit the nail on the head as to what I need. All I know is if a man isn't assertive enough I don't feel "secure" and don't really know where I stand.
soulm8 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) Mhmmm! Sounds like we're in the same boat of needing him to make that first bold move... to help us let our guard down. I tend to treat new men almost professionally... as if they're associates until they "claim me". I've been trying very hard to force myself to reward smaller gestures (for practice) and so far I'm pleasantly surprised with the new man I've been getting to know. However, I'm not sure if he's just more confident in general. Reading my post, I realize I'm not so much rewarding anything yet (as far as a man would be concerned!). I'm just much more conscious of ensuring my body language stays relaxed and inviting... rather than so "professional". Edited December 13, 2011 by soulm8
Author CocoaBrown Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 Mhmmm! Sounds like we're in the same boat of needing him to make that first bold move... to help us let our guard down. I tend to treat new men almost professionally... as if they're associates until they "claim me". I've been trying very hard to force myself to reward smaller gestures (for practice) and so far I'm pleasantly surprised with the new man I've been getting to know. However, I'm not sure if he's just more confident in general. Reading my post, I realize I'm not so much rewarding anything yet (as far as a man would be concerned!). I'm just much more conscious of ensuring my body language stays relaxed and inviting... rather than so "professional". I think we might have a few similarities. The guy I saw on Friday night seems like he's stepping up so we shall see. Today he asked me for a second date so maybe I read him wrong? We shall see how it goes. He's 48....I'm 33. He's definitely the oldest I've ever dated. Maybe that's what I need? Girl I don't know anymore!
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