Why do some "dumpees" want to stay "friends" after break up?

[theratandthecat]

Even best-friends

They know it stings.

But why? Are they trying to give themselves false hope? Don't they know the more they talk, the less chance they'll be able to get back? How would they react if some day, their ex broke it down to them that they cheated, that they had a new person.

Why would you stay friends anyway?

[BoredAgain]

There are differing reasons, but yeah, mainly I think dumpees do it out of false hope. A lot of people on these boards will say stuff like, "I don't want to shut the door on the possibility of reconciling." Or people want to remind their Ex how great they are.

 

Also I think there's an element of fear. If you've been dating long enough, chances are that your Ex is the person closest to you - you've been through a lot, you've shared a lot, etc. It's really difficult to lose that, and it's scary to not know whether you'll ever be able to share that with anyone else.

[hooliganization]

Also I think there's an element of fear. If you've been dating long enough, chances are that your Ex is the person closest to you - you've been through a lot, you've shared a lot, etc. It's really difficult to lose that, and it's scary to not know whether you'll ever be able to share that with anyone else.

 

BoredAgain, you really nailed it on this one. I think that's what most of us fear, or at least I know this IS the case for me.

[BoredAgain]

BoredAgain, you really nailed it on this one. I think that's what most of us fear, or at least I know this IS the case for me.

 

Having dated my Ex for 4.5 years, the task of getting to that same place with somebody new seems daunting. I imagine divorce must be a million times worse.

[Cmac]

^^ I feel exactly that same way. I really am going to miss the closeness I had with my ex, that level of comfort and security. It's going to take a long time for me to allow myself to become vulnerable to someone again and feel that closeness.

[Rorschach64]

Forgot to mention that it is also a form of elevating guilt on top of them wanting to have their cake and eat it too, plus maybe a back up plan. Not only that it is subtly saying "Hey I am totally okay that this just happened between us and I do not give two craps about your feelings."

 

Happened to me and I am glad I told my ex I didn't deserve that because I deserved to be number one, not number two. Not a single peep from her after that day after six months of silence.

Edited December 12, 2011 by Rorschach64

[mike588]

My ex. dumped me 4 months ago and before she even brought up "staying friends" I told her no to being friends because I still loved her and it would hurt to much,,, she said, I understand.

[lilyblue]

For me, I'd like to be friends because that's what we were before, and I'd like to be able to return to that. We spent years as friends, and only a short time dating before he returned to his ex-wife (without telling me). He was the one who convinced me he had liked me for years, wanted a relationship with me, etc. The drama of the whole situation just seems really unnecessary to me and I wish we could just be at least civil. I think it would be much easier on me, plus we have a ton of mutual friends and it's awkward at this point whenever his name comes up (no one knows what he did, but know what good friends we "are" so always ask me about him if they haven't seen him for awhile). Also, I just miss him as part of my life.