Is it just sex?

[lavendera]

Did you ever wonder how a man who is on a "short leash" can get away to have "dates" with another woman? It sounds to me like you have an experienced cheater here. You are not the first OW who believes the garbage and lies coming from a man's mouth that wants to bed her. *

 

Of course you have awesome chemistry. My own H and I have the best chemistry ever when we can get away from the house, the kids, the dog, the jobs, turn off the phones, lock ourselves up in a room overlooking the ocean and go for it. When we get home, there's all that other "stuff" that needs to be done. That's what marriages are. But trust me, I'd much rather have all the stuff that goes with the marriage, than fall for a man who uses me for the sex and then goes home to someone else for the relationship.

 

When you're having an affair, you become that moment. Now, all a liar needs to do is find someone who will believe him long enough to have that moment on the way home from work or on his lunch break. What if we all had so little self-respect that we could hurt the ones we profess to love just for an interlude of chemistry.

 

I wouldn't base your opinion of the woman whose husband you are sleeping with on the experience of hearing her voice on the phone. Did you ever think that maybe there was a reason she raised her voice? I'd say she might have caught him in an affair before and he begged to stay, which usually happens by the way. Of course she's going to wonder where he is.

Or maybe she just had a horrible day and he's the one she turns to, and he wasn't there. He was getting ready to have at it with you.*

 

He's got you buffaloed. The lies are classic. I bet he tells you they don't have sex either. *

[MyApology]

Did you ever wonder how a man who is on a "short leash" can get away to have "dates" with another woman? It sounds to me like you have an experienced cheater here. You are not the first OW who believes the garbage and lies coming from a man's mouth that wants to bed her. *

 

Of course you have awesome chemistry. My own H and I have the best chemistry ever when we can get away from the house, the kids, the dog, the jobs, turn off the phones, lock ourselves up in a room overlooking the ocean and go for it. When we get home, there's all that other "stuff" that needs to be done. That's what marriages are. But trust me, I'd much rather have all the stuff that goes with the marriage, than fall for a man who uses me for the sex and then goes home to someone else for the relationship.

 

I can in no way see these two having awesome chemistry, even if you brought a malibu beach front condo vacation for two for a week. But, again that is their problem, they choose to live in dysfunction.

Yes, we have amazing chemistry, and our getting together is too far and in between, but that is also by my choice also, he has called on numerous occasions in which I declined because I have refused to reaarange my schedule to accomodate the whole deal. She holds him captive, him desperate to have some means of freedom, again their problem.

Yes, she most likely takes control of all his means of communication often loudly and on the offense because of his behavoir in the past, again, her choice to stay and put up with it.

 

When you're having an affair, you become that moment. Now, all a liar needs to do is find someone who will believe him long enough to have that moment on the way home from work or on his lunch break. What if we all had so little self-respect that we could hurt the ones we profess to love just for an interlude of chemistry.

 

I wouldn't base your opinion of the woman whose husband you are sleeping with on the experience of hearing her voice on the phone. Did you ever think that maybe there was a reason she raised her voice? I'd say she might have caught him in an affair before and he begged to stay, which usually happens by the way. Of course she's going to wonder where he is.

Or maybe she just had a horrible day and he's the one she turns to, and he wasn't there. He was getting ready to have at it with you.*

 

He's got you buffaloed. The lies are classic. I bet he tells you they don't have sex either. *

 

I can in no way see these two having awesome chemistry, even if you brought a malibu beach front condo vacation for two for a week. But, again that is their problem, they choose to live in dysfunction.

Yes, we have amazing chemistry, and our getting together is too far and in between, but that is also by my choice also, he has called on numerous occasions in which I declined because I have refused to reaarange my schedule to accomodate the whole deal. She holds him captive, him desperate to have some means of freedom, again their problem.

Yes, she most likely takes control of all his means of communication often loudly and on the offense because of his behavoir in the past, again, her choice to stay and put up with it. His to allow her control of him. Both of them for enabling one another dysfunction.

And no he is absolutely upfront with me with what they do and do not do. And yes, they will remain together, and she can have a man who runs around on her, controlled, a puppet, unhappy, the look of dread when he talks of 'having' to go back.

What are the rewards of their life together...again their business, not mine. My decisions would be different than theirs, codendency to unhappiness is not one of them.

[beenburned]

If this MM was truely as unhappy as he says, all he has to go is file for divorce!(even if his wife does not want one)

 

Anyone can get a divorce now days!! He is doing nothing but filling your head with nonsense and you are falling for all of it.

 

And further more is he is a big cokehead like you said, then why would you or anyone want him? He sounds like a TOTAL LOSER!!

[bentnotbroken]

I can in no way see these two having awesome chemistry, even if you brought a malibu beach front condo vacation for two for a week. But, again that is their problem, they choose to live in dysfunction.

Yes, we have amazing chemistry, and our getting together is too far and in between, but that is also by my choice also, he has called on numerous occasions in which I declined because I have refused to reaarange my schedule to accomodate the whole deal. She holds him captive, him desperate to have some means of freedom, again their problem.

Yes, she most likely takes control of all his means of communication often loudly and on the offense because of his behavoir in the past, again, her choice to stay and put up with it. His to allow her control of him. Both of them for enabling one another dysfunction.

And no he is absolutely upfront with me with what they do and do not do. And yes, they will remain together, and she can have a man who runs around on her, controlled, a puppet, unhappy, the look of dread when he talks of 'having' to go back.

What are the rewards of their life together...again their business, not mine. My decisions would be different than theirs, codendency to unhappiness is not one of them.

 

 

I am sure saying it over and over again makes it all true and that horrible shrew will eventually strangle him to death with that short leash.

[MyApology]

If this MM was truely as unhappy as he says, all he has to go is file for divorce!(even if his wife does not want one)

 

Anyone can get a divorce now days!! He is doing nothing but filling your head with nonsense and you are falling for all of it.

 

And further more is he is a big cokehead like you said, then why would you or anyone want him? He sounds like a TOTAL LOSER!!

 

Guess you have not read the posts before posting, no he is not a cokehead. That was an example. It is not as simple as just going and getting a divorce. It is for some who are not co dependent and are proactive in the fact that we live once, why remain unhappy.

He is lying to his wife just as much if she believes he is happy, because he protrays a completely different story, and there is no need to lie at this point. We are very open to one another with what has/is going on with our lives.

Plus, so many of these happy men, do go out and get a divorce, once their children hit 18 and are out of the house. I have seen this countless times. Many men believe their women or children cannot live without them, they will fall apart, and are scared of all the known consequences, mainly being immediate and extended relatives on both sides calling and making them feel guilty, losing half their money, losing friendships. With men, I believe it has less to do with love than societies view that they should be the provider, remaining in a marriage regardless of unhappiness.

Sorry, but i do not believe for a moment a man goes out on his wife because he loves her, esp. for extended periods or multiple times. There are the ones who oops messed up, who quickly go back and ask for forgiveness and work hard on the marriage.

My mm is under her thumb, and has expressed how she would go crazy if she found out, i am sure he has to ask her to take a sh*t, and she is probably rummaging through his phone and answering it when it rings. Sad way to live imho.

This is a complete turn off.

[woinlove]

Guess you have not read the posts before posting, no he is not a cokehead. That was an example. It is not as simple as just going and getting a divorce. It is for some who are not co dependent and are proactive in the fact that we live once, why remain unhappy.

He is lying to his wife just as much if she believes he is happy, because he protrays a completely different story, and there is no need to lie at this point. We are very open to one another with what has/is going on with our lives.

Plus, so many of these happy men, do go out and get a divorce, once their children hit 18 and are out of the house. I have seen this countless times. Many men believe their women or children cannot live without them, they will fall apart, and are scared of all the known consequences, mainly being immediate and extended relatives on both sides calling and making them feel guilty, losing half their money, losing friendships. With men, I believe it has less to do with love than societies view that they should be the provider, remaining in a marriage regardless of unhappiness.

Sorry, but i do not believe for a moment a man goes out on his wife because he loves her, esp. for extended periods or multiple times. There are the ones who oops messed up, who quickly go back and ask for forgiveness and work hard on the marriage.

My mm is under her thumb, and has expressed how she would go crazy if she found out, i am sure he has to ask her to take a sh*t, and she is probably rummaging through his phone and answering it when it rings. Sad way to live imho.

This is a complete turn off.

 

Think whatever you want about his BS and his M, but that is not what should really matter to you. You think her life is sad and many would think the life of an OW is sad. What others think is not so important. More important is what you want, how you want to treat and impact on others, and what role you want MM to play in your future.

[Spark1111]

Guess you have not read the posts before posting, no he is not a cokehead. That was an example. It is not as simple as just going and getting a divorce. It is for some who are not co dependent and are proactive in the fact that we live once, why remain unhappy.

He is lying to his wife just as much if she believes he is happy, because he protrays a completely different story, and there is no need to lie at this point. We are very open to one another with what has/is going on with our lives.

Plus, so many of these happy men, do go out and get a divorce, once their children hit 18 and are out of the house. I have seen this countless times. Many men believe their women or children cannot live without them, they will fall apart, and are scared of all the known consequences, mainly being immediate and extended relatives on both sides calling and making them feel guilty, losing half their money, losing friendships. With men, I believe it has less to do with love than societies view that they should be the provider, remaining in a marriage regardless of unhappiness.

Sorry, but i do not believe for a moment a man goes out on his wife because he loves her, esp. for extended periods or multiple times. There are the ones who oops messed up, who quickly go back and ask for forgiveness and work hard on the marriage.

My mm is under her thumb, and has expressed how she would go crazy if she found out, i am sure he has to ask her to take a sh*t, and she is probably rummaging through his phone and answering it when it rings. Sad way to live imho.

This is a complete turn off.

 

Myapology: All this PROJECTION on your part is quite scary and delusional to some extent.

 

I guess it keeps the fantasy alive.

 

He is there because he wants to be. There is SOME SORT of emotional support to being with this woman. On some deep level, he has to like or thinks he deserves her abusive treatment of him, if in fact that is true and not some grotesque exxageration.

 

He is rebelling against his mean mommy by having a secret affair with you.

 

This guy classically crumbles like a house of cards come DDAY; he throws YOU under the bus and goes begging for mean mommy to take him back. He cannot exist without her strength.

 

I wonder if she is truly cold and controlling and abusive. She is more likely married to a man who acts like an errant, irresponsible child around her and I can almost guarantee she is trying to keep home and hearth together with little support on his part.

 

This is the classic mid-life crisis when many a man cheats as opposed to growing up and taking proper care of their responsibilities.

 

Why?

 

Because mommy (wife) will do it for me for so long and so often that he begins to resent the imbalance of power in the relationship, yet he relies and expects and has fostered it for a very long time.

 

So, she's easy to blame.

 

You, who do not know nor live with him on a daily basis, can believe the facade of a strong, confident, caring man who is an unappreciated "prize."

 

Or so he says.

[MyApology]

Myapology: All this PROJECTION on your part is quite scary and delusional to some extent.

 

I guess it keeps the fantasy alive.

 

He is there because he wants to be. There is SOME SORT of emotional support to being with this woman. On some deep level, he has to like or thinks he deserves her abusive treatment of him, if in fact that is true and not some grotesque exxageration.

 

He is rebelling against his mean mommy by having a secret affair with you.

 

This guy classically crumbles like a house of cards come DDAY; he throws YOU under the bus and goes begging for mean mommy to take him back. He cannot exist without her strength.

 

I wonder if she is truly cold and controlling and abusive. She is more likely married to a man who acts like an errant, irresponsible child around her and I can almost guarantee she is trying to keep home and hearth together with little support on his part.

 

This is the classic mid-life crisis when many a man cheats as opposed to growing up and taking proper care of their responsibilities.

 

Why?

 

Because mommy (wife) will do it for me for so long and so often that he begins to resent the imbalance of power in the relationship, yet he relies and expects and has fostered it for a very long time.

 

So, she's easy to blame.

 

You, who do not know nor live with him on a daily basis, can believe the facade of a strong, confident, caring man who is an unappreciated "prize."

 

Or so he says.

 

Yes, they are both dysfunctional. I agree. Their problem, not mine.

[PhoenixRise]

I did run when I found out, and he would not let it go, and I can admit I was weak and drawn back in numerous times.My fault as well. Easy lay, that was not the case, I put up roadblocks, and he could of easily and I stress easily found someone less complicated, less hassle, and much more of a willing, easy lay.

 

And how incredibly flattering to you that he overcame whatever superficial roadblocks you threw up in order to be with you behind his wife's back. Do you think he didn't know that his persistence would stroke your ego and draw you in?

 

 

I do question honestly why a woman would have children after years of an unfaithful marriage. He admitted he was caught before they had children. I question why he would have children, but again as Miss Bee so nicely put, I do not need the stress of placing myself in the middle of their dysfunction.

 

She likely doesn't know the extent of his infidelity. Even if it is true that 2 women called her over the course of however many years they have know each other (you said they have been together since age 17 I think) He likely minimized the hell out of the situation. Apparently he has you believing he is completely controlled by his wife even though he is having an affair and spending money on you in spite of the fact that this is not what his wife would want him to do. He is a good liar. You believe him. Maybe she does too.

 

 

I have been in 1 or 2 abusive relationships, and while I may have tried or made an attempt to solve it, I was smart enough to know when it was time to be proactive and leave such a situation.

 

Really? I wonder how long you were in those relationships before you figured it all out?

 

And in saying this, one draw to him was even though he is this 'terrible' guy to most for being a cheater, out of all our times associating, the ups and the downs, I have not had even the tiniest glimpse or sense of an abusive man, his tone, his mannerisms, the natural calm and understanding that exudes from him was comforting.

 

Did your other relationships start out abusive right from the beginning or did they wait until you were more emotionally dependent on them before they showed their true selves?

 

My radar is extremely sensitive when it comes to this and this may be what has kept me around. Not sure yet.

What I do understand like you mentioned is he is unmendable, and I would be an idiot to think he will be faithful in our affair. I have let him know in many certain terms that I will not put up with that, I will however not call him out like others have in the past, but will drop the situation like a hot platter. He may be used to craziness and may be drawn to those type situations, and I have stressed that that is not my cup of tea, and I do not need that in my life, I am free, and do not want or need these hassles.

But again as Miss Bee mentioned here we have two adults who have made the decision to live in turmoil and dysfunction, their choice, and not mine to fix.

 

Believe whatever you want about his wife. She will not care if you understand, believe, sympathize, like, or respect her. Spend all your time analyzing their marriage if you want. It will not change anything.

 

Have you had any counseling or done any introspection to figure out why you get into one abusive relationship after another?

 

Have you done any introspection to figure out why you are so attracted to someone who is by your own account very damaged?

 

If it is true that he is dominated by his wife have you even asked yourself what kind of relationship you could have with a man whose default position for decades now is to be dominated by his wife?

 

Do you think that maybe you have unconsciously chose to get involved with a man who is apparently so weak a figure in his marriage BECAUSE you have been abused in your previous relationships and a weak man is less likely to abuse you?

 

In all the time that you have spent judging the wife and his marriage and his dynamic in the marriage and the relative health of the marriage did you ever stop to ask yourself if YOU really believe that YOU are emotionally healthy enough to be in an emotionally healthy relationship?

[MissBee]

Yes, they are both dysfunctional. I agree. Their problem, not mine.

 

MyAPology....to be honest, you really should stop looking down on them....because your involvement, the fact that you signed up on a board to talk about these "other" dysfunctional people says a lot about you

 

While you're pointing the finger at them....several more are pointing back at you. I am not trying to be mean, but in reading the last few of your posts and your posts in other threads where your preoccupation with these people is loud and clear....it does come off strange that you're saying it's "their problem" not yours...when it IS YOUR problem too. You're the one on LS talking about them....I doubt his wife is talking about you or he's on a board trying to get support about you.

 

You keep saying you've had boundaries and you told him this, that and so forth...then you say oh but he came back...and what happened? You took him back. How are you different than his wife????? Oh because you haven't had kids with him? : Ohh okay. You said you told him it's not your cup of tea....yet what do you know....you're still with him! Are you still with him in fact or have you ended things? If you are still involved and if you have not in no uncertain terms ended it and have gone No Contact.....you my dear are exactly like the wife and the same things you wonder about her, I and others wonder about you too, like why are you still there??? You keep trying to blame him for you being there....saying it is his fault because he has integrated himself....and I'll say again....NOT TRUE! If you met another man tomorrow that you fell for...you would find some way to extract yourself from him and he would be gone! Even if he chased....you'd run far away. This is not the case here....he integrates and comes back because he has something to come back to...you're letting him in. So again, how are you different from the wife? I think you're trying to make yourself feel better about the whole thing by making it seem like you have more standards than her, are in a better position, you would never do such and such, he's the one who keeps coming back, the chemistry which is not your fault controls you etc...but sadly, you're in no better position, except as GG said, you have no kids and you can run like blazes away. Until you are running like blazes and have stayed away from him.....then you still dating him, talking about him, talking about your imaginary standards and then saying it's "there dysfunction" doesn't mean anything and seems very delusional.

 

You really should check out that Baggage Reclaim site...there's an article there about women who do a lot of talking. They can talk a good game about their "boundaries" but the point is....their actions tell otherwise. It sounds like your situation to me...and I too have been a talker. Talking up a storm to a man, telling him what I was and wasn't going to do...all the while I was talking, I was busy doing all that I said I wasn't going to do! You're doing the same....if it REALLY wasn't your cup of tea and you had boundaries, you'd have never dated him from you first found out he was married. But you continued dating him, and continued talking......remind me again, how are you different from the wife? Because you don't try to control him? Ohh okay....at the end of the day, neither of you control him. She doesn't, or else how in heaven's name would he be having an affair with you???? please explain, if she answers his phones, looks at all his bills, has GPS on his peniiis, how come she doesn't know about you??? Does that make sense?? Clearly she doesn't control him that much...neither do you....and you'd fare better to stop talking badly about the wife and about him as the one's with the problem and own your part in the mess and go from there.

Edited December 12, 2011 by MissBee

[MyApology]

MyAPology....to be honest, you really should stop looking down on them....because your involvement, the fact that you signed up on a board to talk about these "other" dysfunctional people says a lot about you

 

While you're pointing the finger at them....several more are pointing back at you. I am not trying to be mean, but in reading the last few of your posts and your posts in other threads where your preoccupation with these people is loud and clear....it does come off strange that you're saying it's "their problem" not yours...when it IS YOUR problem too. You're the one on LS talking about them....I doubt his wife is talking about you or he's on a board trying to get support about you.

 

You keep saying you've had boundaries and you told him this, that and so forth...then you say oh but he came back...and what happened? You took him back. How are you different than his wife????? Oh because you haven't had kids with him? : Ohh okay. You said you told him it's not your cup of tea....yet what do you know....you're still with him! Are you still with him in fact or have you ended things? If you are still involved and if you have not in no uncertain terms ended it and have gone No Contact.....you my dear are exactly like the wife and the same things you wonder about her, I and others wonder about you too, like why are you still there??? You keep trying to blame him for you being there....saying it is his fault because he has integrated himself....and I'll say again....NOT TRUE! If you met another man tomorrow that you fell for...you would find some way to extract yourself from him and he would be gone! Even if he chased....you'd run far away. This is not the case here....he integrates and comes back because he has something to come back to...you're letting him in. So again, how are you different from the wife? I think you're trying to make yourself feel better about the whole thing by making it seem like you have more standards than her, are in a better position, you would never do such and such, he's the one who keeps coming back, the chemistry which is not your fault controls you etc...but sadly, you're in no better position, except as GG said, you have no kids and you can run like blazes away. Until you are running like blazes and have stayed away from him.....then you still dating him, talking about him, talking about your imaginary standards and then saying it's "there dysfunction" doesn't mean anything and seems very delusional.

 

You really should check out that Baggage Reclaim site...there's an article there about women who do a lot of talking. They can talk a good game about their "boundaries" but the point is....their actions tell otherwise. It sounds like your situation to me...and I too have been a talker. Talking up a storm to a man, telling him what I was and wasn't going to do...all the while I was talking, I was busy doing all that I said I wasn't going to do! You're doing the same....if it REALLY wasn't your cup of tea and you had boundaries, you'd have never dated him from you first found out he was married. But you continued dating him, and continued talking......remind me again, how are you different from the wife? Because you don't try to control him? Ohh okay....at the end of the day, neither of you control him. She doesn't, or else how in heaven's name would he be having an affair with you???? please explain, if she answers his phones, looks at all his bills, has GPS on his peniiis, how come she doesn't know about you??? Does that make sense?? Clearly she doesn't control him that much...neither do you....and you'd fare better to stop talking badly about the wife and about him as the one's with the problem and own your part in the mess and go from there.

 

I do own up to my part. And I know this is no excuse, and does not make it right, but I am opening myself up to you, being truthful, it is the allure of the chemistry and sex, and if this was a man who was having a mid life crisis, his first affair, I would have dropped him quickly without a second glance.

He did lead me in with a lie, and I came back because of the chemistry.

He is working a good game. I see through it.

I need to just forget all this and go lead my own life.

Why does this easy carefree option seem so difficult?

[Spark1111]

Believe whatever you want about his wife. She will not care if you understand, believe, sympathize, like, or respect her. Spend all your time analyzing their marriage if you want. It will not change anything.

 

Have you had any counseling or done any introspection to figure out why you get into one abusive relationship after another?

 

Have you done any introspection to figure out why you are so attracted to someone who is by your own account very damaged?

 

If it is true that he is dominated by his wife have you even asked yourself what kind of relationship you could have with a man whose default position for decades now is to be dominated by his wife?

 

Do you think that maybe you have unconsciously chose to get involved with a man who is apparently so weak a figure in his marriage BECAUSE you have been abused in your previous relationships and a weak man is less likely to abuse you?

 

In all the time that you have spent judging the wife and his marriage and his dynamic in the marriage and the relative health of the marriage did you ever stop to ask yourself if YOU really believe that YOU are emotionally healthy enough to be in an emotionally healthy relationship?

 

Great post Pheonix!

 

IC taught us that those who go out of their way to rescue others are unconsciouly deflecting a very real need of rescuing THEMSELVES.

 

....something to think about myapology......

[Quiet Storm]

If you are married to a huge cokehead for years, and decide to start a family with one, it is quite absurd to question and be angry years later that you have a family and your husband is this big bad cokehead

 

If you are sleeping with a liar & a cheater, and decide to have a relationship with one, it is quite absurd to question and be angry years later when you have the cheater and the liar.

 

Many cheaters DO love their wives. The worst assumption an OW can make is to assume that they don't love their wives. Some don't, but many do. They do not act in loving ways to their wives because they have issues. When they actually look inward, and accept their issues, and work on them, they realize how self destructive their choices are. The marriage may or not be broken, but the man definitely is. I remember one poster who's MM was so in love with her, until he found out his wife was cheating, too. He was so upset he nearly had a nervous breakdown and dropped his soulmate OW like a hot potato to work on his marriage.

 

It's not about whether they love their wives, it's about boundaries and coping skills. Instead of facing a conflict head on, he escapes. He is too lazy to fix the relationship with his wife, so he gets his sex and admiration needs met elsewhere. He is emotionally immature.

 

You say that you can't imagine that they have any chemistry. Yet, what you describe of their dynamic, indicates chemistry to me. They each have their part to play, and something about it is attractive to both parties, which is why they keep doing it. Chemistry doesn't mean something is meant to be or good for you. Chemistry can be toxic and keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy for you. I think when you are saying "chemistry" you may be talking about limerance, which is the "in love" chemical rush that fades in about two years. The limerance faded with his wife long ago, and it will eventually fade with any woman he is involved with or any man that you are involved with.

 

Since this MM is a serial cheater, he has likely learned what words, actions and behaviors foster "chemistry" in a woman. When a woman has sex with a man, oxytocin is released, which "bonds" her to him. So he uses his charm to get her, and then sleeps with her to keep that bond strong. It is nothing special or unique, it is just chemicals and reactions in her brain that make her think this is a valuable relationship. An experienced MM knows how to make your relationship seem special, and he wants to keep you in your assigned role (OW). He can keep you there much longer if you are bonded to him. If you get bonded, then he has all the power. There are OW who wait for decades because they think her & MM are meant to be. Experienced MM use the emotional and romantic nature of women against them.

 

Why did he choose you when you were throwing up obstacles and roadblocks? Because the obstacles and roadblocks made it more fun for him. The thrill of the chase. Even though you were saying no, your body language and eyes were saying yes. He could sense that your boundaries were poor, and he was right.

 

MM (especially serial ones) do not choose their OW based on her personality or their "connection". They choose her based on proximity, perceived vulnerability, gullibility and availability. A woman with good boundaries, would never entertain the idea of a married man. So experienced MM get good at sensing which women would be up for it. He passes over the emotionally healthy women because they would never hook up with a married man, chemistry or not. He looks for the low self esteem women, who can be persuaded to go against her values and morals in the name of "chemistry".

 

I think you should focus less on them and their dynamic and more on you. If you feel cheating is wrong and don't like to be cheated on, then delve into why you would choose a path that is against your values. If you did it because the chemistry is so strong that it is worth it, seek therapy to learn tools to control your emotions. You don't have to be a slave to your heart. You have a logical mind, and emotionally mature adults can feel chemistry, but not act on it.

 

Get a handle on your feelings. I bet you don't attack someone just because you feel angry...you have learned to sit with those feelings and let them pass because attacking someone could get you in trouble. You can look at "love" feelings the same way. You can sit with them and let them pass, because falling in love with a MM could get you in trouble.

 

Don't fool yourself that MM & BW aren't sleeping together. BW wouldn't be sniffing MM if she wasn't f*cking him. She wouldn't care to the point of smelling him if she didn't want him sexually anymore.

 

Focus on you and less on them. They may be a normal married couple with issues that can be worked out. Or they may be stuck in their own unique brand of dysfunction until the day they die. The only thing that really matters is that he isn't leaving.

Edited December 12, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[MyApology]

If you are sleeping with a liar & a cheater, and decide to have a relationship with one, it is quite absurd to question and be angry years later when you have the cheater and the liar.

 

Many cheaters DO love their wives. The worst assumption an OW can make is to assume that they don't love their wives. Some don't, but many do. They do not act in loving ways to their wives because they have issues. When they actually look inward, and accept their issues, and work on them, they realize how self destructive their choices are. The marriage may or not be broken, but the man definitely is. I remember one poster who's MM was so in love with her, until he found out his wife was cheating, too. He was so upset he nearly had a nervous breakdown and dropped his soulmate OW like a hot potato to work on his marriage.

 

It's not about whether they love their wives, it's about boundaries and coping skills. Instead of facing a conflict head on, he escapes. He is too lazy to fix the relationship with his wife, so he gets his sex and admiration needs met elsewhere. He is emotionally immature.

 

You say that you can't imagine that they have any chemistry. Yet, what you describe of their dynamic, indicates chemistry to me. They each have their part to play, and something about it is attractive to both parties, which is why they keep doing it. Chemistry doesn't mean something is meant to be or good for you. Chemistry can be toxic and keep you in a relationship that is unhealthy for you. I think when you are saying "chemistry" you may be talking about limerance, which is the "in love" chemical rush that fades in about two years. The limerance faded with his wife long ago, and it will eventually fade with any woman he is involved with or any man that you are involved with.

 

Since this MM is a serial cheater, he has likely learned what words, actions and behaviors foster "chemistry" in a woman. When a woman has sex with a man, oxytocin is released, which "bonds" her to him. So he uses his charm to get her, and then sleeps with her to keep that bond strong. It is nothing special or unique, it is just chemicals and reactions in her brain that make her think this is a valuable relationship. An experienced MM knows how to make your relationship seem special, and he wants to keep you in your assigned role (OW). He can keep you there much longer if you are bonded to him. If you get bonded, then he has all the power. There are OW who wait for decades because they think her & MM are meant to be. Experienced MM use the emotional and romantic nature of women against them.

 

Why did he choose you when you were throwing up obstacles and roadblocks? Because the obstacles and roadblocks made it more fun for him. The thrill of the chase. Even though you were saying no, your body language and eyes were saying yes. He could sense that your boundaries were poor, and he was right.

 

MM (especially serial ones) do not choose their OW based on her personality or their "connection". They choose her based on proximity, perceived vulnerability, gullibility and availability. A woman with good boundaries, would never entertain the idea of a married man. So experienced MM get good at sensing which women would be up for it. He passes over the emotionally healthy women because they would never hook up with a married man, chemistry or not. He looks for the low self esteem women, who can be persuaded to go against her values and morals in the name of "chemistry".

 

I think you should focus less on them and their dynamic and more on you. If you feel cheating is wrong and don't like to be cheated on, then delve into why you would choose a path that is against your values. If you did it because the chemistry is so strong that it is worth it, seek therapy to learn tools to control your emotions. You don't have to be a slave to your heart. You have a logical mind, and emotionally mature adults can feel chemistry, but not act on it.

 

Get a handle on your feelings. I bet you don't attack someone just because you feel angry...you have learned to sit with those feelings and let them pass because attacking someone could get you in trouble. You can look at "love" feelings the same way. You can sit with them and let them pass, because falling in love with a MM could get you in trouble.

 

Don't fool yourself that MM & BW aren't sleeping together. BW wouldn't be sniffing MM if she wasn't f*cking him. She wouldn't care to the point of smelling him if she didn't want him sexually anymore.

 

Focus on you and less on them. They may be a normal married couple with issues that can be worked out. Or they may be stuck in their own unique brand of dysfunction until the day they die. The only thing that really matters is that he isn't leaving.

 

It is funny how it is okay to bash the OW, but the wives are these perfect angels. I am not perfect, but have considerable high self esteem, and have my choice in men. This what MM likes. He has the charm, the looks, the money, the powerful position to pull what he wishes. He may love his wife, who knows. He may still desire her, who knows. He may also love the domineering, grating voice, the brass balls. his wife and I are polar opposites in this regard. But, what I see is his wife is plain and overweight, and he is desiring thin, fit, and according to him hot women. I know not to believe him or trust him. That is why I will go on my merry way, and he can continue with this dysfunction, and find a gal who may put up with his crap long term. I doubt this though.

He will most likely wind up with more women who do not encompass healthy self esteem and will rat him out to wife when it does not work out to their liking. I have no desire or care to do so. I can do much better and will. He knows this and I have made all this perfectly clear to him as to not lead him on.

I was there clearly for the passion and sex, which yes I feel guilty, and have fought this over and over again in my mind. Like I mentioned i wish no ill of his wife or of him, and wish as hopefully most would that they can work out their dysfunction, and quit the games, lying, cheating.

[bentnotbroken]

It is funny how it is okay to bash the OW, but the wives are these perfect angels. I am not perfect, but have considerable high self esteem, and have my choice in men. This what MM likes. He has the charm, the looks, the money, the powerful position to pull what he wishes. He may love his wife, who knows. He may still desire her, who knows. He may also love the domineering, grating voice, the brass balls. his wife and I are polar opposites in this regard. But, what I see is his wife is plain and overweight, and he is desiring thin, fit, and according to him hot women. I know not to believe him or trust him. That is why I will go on my merry way, and he can continue with this dysfunction, and find a gal who may put up with his crap long term. I doubt this though.

He will most likely wind up with more women who do not encompass healthy self esteem and will rat him out to wife when it does not work out to their liking. I have no desire or care to do so. I can do much better and will. He knows this and I have made all this perfectly clear to him as to not lead him on.

I was there clearly for the passion and sex, which yes I feel guilty, and have fought this over and over again in my mind. Like I mentioned i wish no ill of his wife or of him, and wish as hopefully most would that they can work out their dysfunction, and quit the games, lying, cheating.

 

 

Most wives are a far cry from being angelic and certainly not perfect, but it does seem like he and his wife aren't the only ones dealing with some dysfunction.

[Quiet Storm]

It is funny how it is okay to bash the OW, but the wives are these perfect angels. I am not perfect, but have considerable high self esteem

 

I never said the wives are perfect. Some probably are total witches, but what's that have to do with you?

 

You have admittedly stated that you were in two abusive relationships, and are now involved with a married man. Can you see how I could get the impression that you have low self esteem? I feel like most women with healthy self esteem would be turned off that a married man is interested in her, not flattered. Regardless of chemistry. Not saying I don't have my own issues, but when married men flirt with me, I am bothered by that and shut it down immediately. I think "Wow, he must think I'm a ho if he thinks I would do that." To me, a married man would be in the same category as a drug addict, homeless guy, alcoholic, ex con = not a valuable partner. I just don't see how, if you love yourself, how you could believe a cheater would enhance your life in a positive way. If your values are that cheating and lying are okay, fine. But IMO, if you believe cheating and lying are wrong, a person with healthy self esteem would not toss their lifelong values aside and act in ways that are opposite their values.

 

what I see is his wife is plain and overweight, and he is desiring thin, fit, and according to him hot women

 

Looking hot doesn't mean you have high self esteem. Many women are beautiful on the outside, but suffering on the inside. Low self esteem can be caused by childhood trauma, neglect, "daddy issues", etc. Looking good has nothing to do with it. Attractive people receive lots of outside validation and compliments, but self esteem is created from within. His wife probably meets some of his needs, but not his need for a variety of hot new ass. He is selfish, and it doesn't matter to him WHO meets his needs, just that they are met. So wife can meet his comfort, home base, familiar needs, while OW #1, #2 and #3 meet his needs for hotness and variety. Typical serial cheater.

 

I am glad that you seem to see this guy for what he is now, but you should still think about why ended up here. No one is going to take care of you, better than YOU. It isn't healthy to get all wrapped up in someone else's drama, and it might be beneficial to figure out why you did that. Instead of analyzing MM, spend that time on self introspection. Next time, it may not be an abusive or married man, but a guy with a different issue. Your man picker may need tweaking, and that's okay.

[whichwayisup]

So, you kind of hint/say you're not going to continue on with the affair.. When do you plan on talking to him and ending the affair?

 

Don't mean this meanly or anything, but it is rare that an OW actually ends an A and walks away without being at her bottom, after suffering and she can't take it anymore. So far from what you've said, it seems like you're no where near that crying stage, or feeling so terrible about everything. You're so wrapped up in the why's and how's of THEIR marriage and THEIR dysfunction (you do realize that you are part of that dysfunction eh?), why they are still together, rather than focus on yourself and find out why you're weak and letting sexual addiction to him make you stay.

 

Are you truly ending it or is it a way to get people off your back here? At least be honest with yourself.. If you don't want to end it, just own it and continue on, own your choices and suffer the consquences..

 

People here are supportive. Don't mistake harsh advice as mean or rude advice. Big difference. Those who have posted DO care, if they didn't, they wouldn't have even bothered replying.

 

I do hope you mean what you say and end it so you can find the love you deserve with someone who can give you everything - Not just bits and pieces on his terms and time frame.

[MyApology]

You know I feel the wife deserves better than being with a man who cheats on her. I am not proud to be in this situation and am not planning on being the long term other woman.

I myself have always been turned off by married men hitting on me, the long glaring, the look. I have never participated before no matter how handsome or desirable they seemed.

When this guy pursued, the way he went about it, there was no uncertainty or question if he was married, I automatically assumed he was single. On our first date, is when he cared to mention he was married but made it seem that they were separated and done. This did not register right with me so I broke it off the next day. He continued to pursue, and made it seem it the relationship was over and then slowly let out that this was indeed false, and it was another break up.

The difference this time around is there was a weird draw, an instant connection, as if we knew one another for years.i cannot explain it. I have been fighting my feelings since then. I am not proud of what is happening and i do not enjoy the fact that there is a woman who is at home deserving of her man being open, honest, and faithful to her.

That is why I am here working this out.

In saying I am dysfunctional because I have been with a man who was abusive is incorrect, I would be dysfunctional if I continued to allow him to abuse me, and not left the situation.

There may be instances when women pursue the married man, enticing, and luring him in and there may be cases where the wife is abusive and horrible to the husband and he seeks comfort elsewhere.

I am looking into myself to see why I am participating in this mess. I am doing this because this is not like me at all, and not sure why I have enabled myself to be in this position. You are right in saying that I have to work this out and work on myself.

[Spark1111]

Myapology, you are a smart cookie and you seem to be asking all the right questions. I truly wish you well as you figure it all out.

 

Three things:

 

If you are in it for the chemistry, ok fine. But I think it behooves you to try and figure out what is sparking that chemistry: A need to rescue? Have someone find you desirable enough to pursue you and make you feel valued? Someone who appreciates you? Think on that.....cus that is what you will need in a healthy relationship.

 

The fact that you have so many questions and concerns about his marriage makes me think you are crossing your own boundary: your thoughts of his wife and his marriage says to ME that you are becoming emotionally connected; are starting to want more with this man; and you are questioning his relationship with his wife because you do not understand why her and not me? That's not good for you and your mental health, IMO. We see it everyday at LS.

 

As for looks? It's so shallow. I have a happy, confident, funny overweight friend that when we go out, it is like the parting of the red sea....you have to beat the men off with a stick. She has had THREE marraige proposals this year alone! Not interested.

 

If you value looks as the end all be all to attracting and keeping a man, you will attract a shallow man who values your body and your looks because it validates his ego among his immature peers! Widen your horizons, please! and do not judge a woman based on her looks. It is what men who immaturely objectify woman would do.

 

You are smarter than that.

 

Oh, #4- Read QS....I find her brilliant. And I am pretty smart. She makes so much sense, from a psychological point of view.

 

Like free therapy.....Read her.

 

Good luck to you.

[MyApology]

you keep writing you have nothing against this wife, yet every post has a slam somewhere about her. why? if she is nothing up against you, why do you feel the need to demean her and belittle her? does that make you feel better if you say those things about her? that's sad that you have to tear her down in order to make yourself look better.

 

I have not slammed her or demeaned her, but simply mentioned facts. I have come to the conclusion I need to work on myself and find out how I got myself in this mess.

She may very well, be a pleasant lady. I can only go by what I see and what I have witnessed. He places himself and his family closely into my sphere. Not sure why he does this. Will not go into too much detail. But it is crazy, that he would want them and himself too close for comfort in my sphere. Very strange, you would think a MM would make sure the opposite occurred.

[MyApology]

Myapology, you are a smart cookie and you seem to be asking all the right questions. I truly wish you well as you figure it all out.

 

Three things:

 

If you are in it for the chemistry, ok fine. But I think it behooves you to try and figure out what is sparking that chemistry: A need to rescue? Have someone find you desirable enough to pursue you and make you feel valued? Someone who appreciates you? Think on that.....cus that is what you will need in a healthy relationship.

 

The fact that you have so many questions and concerns about his marriage makes me think you are crossing your own boundary: your thoughts of his wife and his marriage says to ME that you are becoming emotionally connected; are starting to want more with this man; and you are questioning his relationship with his wife because you do not understand why her and not me? That's not good for you and your mental health, IMO. We see it everyday at LS.

 

As for looks? It's so shallow. I have a happy, confident, funny overweight friend that when we go out, it is like the parting of the red sea....you have to beat the men off with a stick. She has had THREE marraige proposals this year alone! Not interested.

 

If you value looks as the end all be all to attracting and keeping a man, you will attract a shallow man who values your body and your looks because it validates his ego among his immature peers! Widen your horizons, please! and do not judge a woman based on her looks. It is what men who immaturely objectify woman would do.

 

You are smarter than that.

 

Oh, #4- Read QS....I find her brilliant. And I am pretty smart. She makes so much sense, from a psychological point of view.

 

Like free therapy.....Read her.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you and very true Sparks. Looks mean nothing in the end when you are in a relationship, if it is not just a shallow loveless relationship. I do not mean to put her down, was surprised somewhat when I saw her, because I was expecting the exact opposite.

She may very well have been and is still a wonderful person and most likely is this situation has worn her down mentally. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have a man serial cheat and my desperately trying to form a family and have him continue to cheat over again. Not a bed of roses.

I am a problem solver, but this is waaaayyyy out of my interests. It is up to them to fix the relationship or continue living as they are. But I know I do not wish to continue being a part of the problem.

[MissBee]

I have not slammed her or demeaned her, but simply mentioned facts. I have come to the conclusion I need to work on myself and find out how I got myself in this mess.

She may very well, be a pleasant lady. I can only go by what I see and what I have witnessed. He places himself and his family closely into my sphere. Not sure why he does this. Will not go into too much detail. But it is crazy, that he would want them and himself too close for comfort in my sphere. Very strange, you would think a MM would make sure the opposite occurred.

 

Well goes to show what kind of person he is...

 

But as stated many times, you realize you have things to work on, that's what matters.

 

For everything that is wrong with him that you've noticed and continued dating him for...is another thing you should think about why it didn't freak you out and send you screaming the other way.

 

Good luck to you!

[MyApology]

Well goes to show what kind of person he is...

 

But as stated many times, you realize you have things to work on, that's what matters.

 

For everything that is wrong with him that you've noticed and continued dating him for...is another thing you should think about why it didn't freak you out and send you screaming the other way.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Could it possibly be that the sex and the intensity of the sex, is what is drawing me in and has kept me from freaking as I had after the first date. I feel as if I am using him as he is me. This is extremely embarrassing to explain, but I can when we just simply talk on phone, the sexiness, and chemistry, makes my insides literally have an instant strain, uncontrollable orgasm like intense sensation. Yuck I know.

I really need to stop it, and figure out WHY I am doing something so against my normal self.

[MyApology]

Well goes to show what kind of person he is...

 

But as stated many times, you realize you have things to work on, that's what matters.

 

For everything that is wrong with him that you've noticed and continued dating him for...is another thing you should think about why it didn't freak you out and send you screaming the other way.

 

Good luck to you!

 

What kind of person does that? I had asked myself the same thing. Even after we break up, I will see him all the time.

[MissBee]

Could it possibly be that the sex and the intensity of the sex, is what is drawing me in and has kept me from freaking as I had after the first date. I feel as if I am using him as he is me. This is extremely embarrassing to explain, but I can when we just simply talk on phone, the sexiness, and chemistry, makes my insides literally have an instant strain, uncontrollable orgasm like intense sensation. Yuck I know.

I really need to stop it, and figure out WHY I am doing something so against my normal self.

 

 

Usually sexual acts and sexual attraction are not merely physical but are intensified by some psychological stuff going on and they go hand in hand....

 

I think the sex is only a part of what is going on and not the whole story.

 

Quite honestly, if it were only about sex and you using him for sex, you'd probably not be here. I don't know about you, but when my relationship with a guy is casual and about sex, it's out of sight and out of mind. I don't worry about his issues, wouldn't care about his wife, wouldn't be talking about him on a forum. I'd just enjoy the sex and move on.

 

An addiction to the chemistry and sex....which is what you have...is not a physical addiction, it is a psychological and emotional one as well. Have you checked that Baggage Reclaim site out yet?