Author MyApology Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Miss Bee you mentioned something, that has entered my mind previously, and i shrugged it off as not likely, but the thought kept creeping back in, but ever since the heavy pursuit, and at other times, his intensity, and some of his placing himself a little too close for comfort into my life has made me wonder about obsession. Has anyone any dealings with this type of behavoir?
Author MyApology Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Tell us again exactly why should she trust a man who is taking another woman to dinner and trying not to leave a paper trail? What is trustworthy about his behavior? I am not saying she does not have reason to do so, but if one has to keep a tight leash on a man in order for him to behave, I cannot see why someone would put up with that. Maybe it is his prestige, wealth, and good looks, but there is more to a relationship than just a good provider. Is staying to not lose your lifestyle and comfort any more honest?
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I am not saying she does not have reason to do so, but if one has to keep a tight leash on a man in order for him to behave, I cannot see why someone would put up with that. Maybe it is his prestige, wealth, and good looks, but there is more to a relationship than just a good provider. Is staying to not lose your lifestyle and comfort any more honest? This is you assuming and speculating. If you want to know really why she stays and what her marriage is like, why not ask her? You have one side of A story. Not necessarily the true story or even a reasonable facsimile. You can guess about what she is doing to him, guess about why she might be doing whatever and still be dead wrong. If you aren't afraid of a little reality check into this (by your own words)obsessive cheater, then go to the source of your curiosity his wife and her reasons.
spice4life Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I haven't been married for 20 years so I'm no expert, but could it be as simple as he is the master of his work domain and she is the master of the home? Meaning, she manages the home and he brings in the money so she can do so? Could it be that he likes having that taken care of so he doesn't have worry about it? Sometimes it's about not wanting to give up that type of security for the unknown. I dunno, I could be totally wrong.
Author MyApology Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 I haven't been married for 20 years so I'm no expert, but could it be as simple as he is the master of his work domain and she is the master of the home? Meaning, she manages the home and he brings in the money so she can do so? Could it be that he likes having that taken care of so he doesn't have worry about it? Sometimes it's about not wanting to give up that type of security for the unknown. I dunno, I could be totally wrong. Yes this is part of their dynamic.
MissBee Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 To be honest: All I'm thinking is...what does it matter? What does any of this matter besides what you're going to put up with and do? If his wife is a controlling nutcase who will NEVER leave him no matter what he does and he's a scaredy cat who is chained to her and will never leave her....OKAY...then what??? It still leaves you in this hot mess with them....
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 To be honest: All I'm thinking is...what does it matter? What does any of this matter besides what you're going to put up with and do? If his wife is a controlling nutcase who will NEVER leave him no matter what he does and he's a scaredy cat who is chained to her and will never leave her....OKAY...then what??? It still leaves you in this hot mess with them.... Exactly......
Author MyApology Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 This is you assuming and speculating. If you want to know really why she stays and what her marriage is like, why not ask her? You have one side of A story. Not necessarily the true story or even a reasonable facsimile. You can guess about what she is doing to him, guess about why she might be doing whatever and still be dead wrong. If you aren't afraid of a little reality check into this (by your own words)obsessive cheater, then go to the source of your curiosity his wife and her reasons. Umm no, have heard her, and do not want that trouble. She seems the type to post papers of the affair all over town.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Men in loving, healthy, satisfying marriages do not look outside their marriage, if all as you say is so great. Men who are broken inside, and your MM certainly IS quite broken inside, do cheat. It's how they cope. Trust me, you aren't his first affair and you won't be his last. You are way too concerned and focus on their marriage, his wife and the why's/how's of it all. Their marriage is NONE of your business. All you know is what you observe and what he tells you. You have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors in their household. You can guess, assume etc., but that's fact. You seem to have a false sense of reality here and one day when that bubble bursts, you will see everything much more clearly than you do now. Keep your eyes open.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Umm no, have heard her, and do not want that trouble. She seems the type to post papers of the affair all over town. If she chooses to do so, then so be it. Consquence can be tough sometimes. Embarressing too. This is her husband and her life you're screwing with, helping her husband hurt and betray her. Though I figure you probably couldn't care less about her feelings and the damage it'll do to her and their marriage. Or kids. He doesn't seem to care much, so why should you? Just something to think about. *Sorry that my posts come off harshly. I just want to open your eyes..And don't believe every single word that comes out of his mouth.
MissBee Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) MyApology.... I'm gonna tell you about a friend of mine. She was in a relationship (still is in fact) with a guy who cheats on her and calls her out of her name, another friend of hers is with a guy who does the same thing but he hit her once. My friend spends all this time criticizing this other girl about how she allows him to do that and how can she be with him and she really puts herself on a pedestal and looks down on this other girl...analyzing her and her issues and why she stays with him...but she is in pretty much THE SAME position! Both of them date abusive guys who cheat on them...except he just hasn't hit her yet but the emotional abuse is crazy and he has gotten rough with her. She makes herself feel better though by totally ignoring the fact that she is NO BETTER and focuses on this other girl's relationship.... I feel like what you're doing is very similar. You're dating a cheater who admits to his history and is also currently cheating, whose wife controls him and your concern is to point out the fact that some other woman is having kids with and staying married to him....THE SAME MAN....with the SAME situation. At least his wife may not know he is cheating with you at the moment...so she is living in ignorance. You are dating a cheater with FULL knowledge....and you also know all about his wife....which is worse? It doesn't even matter...neither you or her are winning. Looking from the outside...both of you are losing and none of you are in an enviable position. Edited December 11, 2011 by MissBee
spice4life Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Whoops...redirect! I broke my cardinal rule and asked about the wife. :\ MissBee and WWIU are right, you shouldn't be focusing on "their" relationship. That is not where you will find the answers because the truth is, it is not about them. The answers will come when you start focusing on you and how you ended up in this in the first place. And I garauntee the answers will be A LOT different than what you are seeing right now. You can guess all day, but in the end does it really matter? Especially if he chooses to stay and work it out?
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Umm no, have heard her, and do not want that trouble. She seems the type to post papers of the affair all over town. Yes, you don't seem the to be the type looking for too much honesty. You seem to be good with the conjecture of hearing a conversation of two (out of how many conversations she and her husband have had over the years?) Trouble is what you are embarking on and if her actions are even a quarter of what you speculate..posting papers will be the least of your issues. By the way..if you are good with what you are doing, what's wrong with the town knowing you are willing to be with MM?
chalkfarm Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 MyApology, Perhaps he loves his wife. Perhaps he loves his home. Perhaps he loves his marriage. His public history (whether co-dependent, dependent, sociopathic, or whatever) is much stronger than just about anything you can offer him. You sound quite strong right now but please be very wary. I suspect that you are in deeper than you realize and pulling oneself out of this sort of relationship is indescribably difficult and painful. Good luck.
Author MyApology Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 To be honest: All I'm thinking is...what does it matter? What does any of this matter besides what you're going to put up with and do? If his wife is a controlling nutcase who will NEVER leave him no matter what he does and he's a scaredy cat who is chained to her and will never leave her....OKAY...then what??? It still leaves you in this hot mess with them.... OMG, good point. This is exactly how it is. I have been in attempt to find other reasons, but this is how it has been pretty much since they were teenagers, if he is to be believed. It just All seems so wrong. All sides.
Author MyApology Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 To be honest: All I'm thinking is...what does it matter? What does any of this matter besides what you're going to put up with and do? If his wife is a controlling nutcase who will NEVER leave him no matter what he does and he's a scaredy cat who is chained to her and will never leave her....OKAY...then what??? It still leaves you in this hot mess with them.... OMG, good point. This is exactly how it is. I have been in attempt to find other reasons, but this is how it has been pretty much since they were teenagers, if he is to be believed. It just All seems so wrong. All sides. He has also made decisions to integrate himself in my life and cannot give examples (TMI) that I will cross paths with him on many occassions if it all ends.
MissBee Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) MyApology, Perhaps he loves his wife. Perhaps he loves his home. Perhaps he loves his marriage. His public history (whether co-dependent, dependent, sociopathic, or whatever) is much stronger than just about anything you can offer him. You sound quite strong right now but please be very wary. I suspect that you are in deeper than you realize and pulling oneself out of this sort of relationship is indescribably difficult and painful. Good luck. This is true! Also MyApology...he and his wife have been together longer than you guys have. She knows him more than you do, no matter your chemistry/connection. She has been putting up with him and his "public history" as chalkfarm calls it, and for whatever reason, they're still together. Whether it is that he really doesn't want to leave, or is scared to do so or whatever. The point is...you just came along and are now a part of this dysfunction and what are you going to do? Sit around philosophizing and investigating another woman's choice or turn the attention to yourself and your choice? Edited December 11, 2011 by MissBee
Author MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Men who are broken inside, and your MM certainly IS quite broken inside, do cheat. It's how they cope. Trust me, you aren't his first affair and you won't be his last. You are way too concerned and focus on their marriage, his wife and the why's/how's of it all. Their marriage is NONE of your business. All you know is what you observe and what he tells you. You have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors in their household. You can guess, assume etc., but that's fact. You seem to have a false sense of reality here and one day when that bubble bursts, you will see everything much more clearly than you do now. Keep your eyes open. Makes sense when you describe him being broken inside, that is why I am here, and it's truth is starting to make a cement imprint. I used to ride the saving wave....but in truth I am way past the stage in my life wanting to save someone.... They are his demons, her problem....not mine.
MissBee Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 OMG, good point. This is exactly how it is. I have been in attempt to find other reasons, but this is how it has been pretty much since they were teenagers, if he is to be believed. It just All seems so wrong. All sides. He has also made decisions to integrate himself in my life and cannot give examples (TMI) that I will cross paths with him on many occassions if it all ends. MyApology.... You keep making excuses about what HE is doing saying "oh but he's the one crossing the boundaries", "he has integrated himself into my life" etc....now come on, you know full well that if you want to leave him alone you can. You just don't want to. And that's okay....most people in this situation don't. You usually hit rock bottom before you force yourself to get out of it. But let's be real here....if he was a guy you did not like or you found a new man who you fell head over heels for, you'd find SOME WAY to dump him and make sure he stayed dumped. But because you're still invested you're making it seem like he is omnipotent and omnipresent and will be in your life no matter what you do....when it's not true....you've made no real effort to let him go and move on. He's still with you because you have invited him to be with you....he's still with his wife because after multiple cheating fiascos she has still allowed him to be with her, for whatever reason. This man is being allowed to do these things. When someone decides THEY have had enough then they will take matters into their own hands and cut him out of their life.....
Author MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 This is true! Also MyApology...he and his wife have been together longer than you guys have. She knows him more than you do, no matter your chemistry/connection. She has been putting up with him and his "public history" as chalkfarm calls it, and for whatever reason, they're still together. Whether it is that he really doesn't want to leave, or is scared to do so or whatever. The point is...you just came along and are now a part of this dysfunction and what are you going to do? Sit around philosophizing and investigating another woman's choice or turn the attention to yourself and your choice? It is great how just reading and taking in the different perspectives enables to see that they have an extremely disordered relationship, and why would I want to involve myself in it. They are together regardless if their is turmoil and unhappiness and logically this is all it will lead to for myself or worse if I stay invested.
Author MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 MyApology.... You keep making excuses about what HE is doing saying "oh but he's the one crossing the boundaries", "he has integrated himself into my life" etc....now come on, you know full well that if you want to leave him alone you can. You just don't want to. And that's okay....most people in this situation don't. You usually hit rock bottom before you force yourself to get out of it. But let's be real here....if he was a guy you did not like or you found a new man who you fell head over heels for, you'd find SOME WAY to dump him and make sure he stayed dumped. But because you're still invested you're making it seem like he is omnipotent and omnipresent and will be in your life no matter what you do....when it's not true....you've made no real effort to let him go and move on. He's still with you because you have invited him to be with you....he's still with his wife because after multiple cheating fiascos she has still allowed him to be with her, for whatever reason. This man is being allowed to do these things. When someone decides THEY have had enough then they will take matters into their own hands and cut him out of their life..... You are right about this, I am addicted to our time together. I have what I thought cut him out, and he did come in pursuit, but it was my doing, falling again because he just excites me. I mean excite in purely animalistic ways, embarrassing but true.
MissBee Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 It is great how just reading and taking in the different perspectives enables to see that they have an extremely disordered relationship, and why would I want to involve myself in it. They are together regardless if their is turmoil and unhappiness and logically this is all it will lead to for myself or worse if I stay invested. Indeed! This is true....
MissBee Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 You are right about this, I am addicted to our time together. I have what I thought cut him out, and he did come in pursuit, but it was my doing, falling again because he just excites me. I mean excite in purely animalistic ways, embarrassing but true. I know the feeling. I've been there. But like any addiction, the high feels good...but once you come down you feel bad and you feel like it's insufficient and it feels terrible to be a slave to a situation/substance/person/thing that is not nourishing you. But once you begin to focus on yourself and what this addiction is about and how you can overcome it and find something healthy to replace it with....things start looking up.
Gentlegirl Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Basically: Why did you not run from him the moment you found he was married? It would have been a wise decision. He was assuming you were an easy lay from the beginning. It's not flattering to you at all. I am sure he has "integrated" ( substitute weaseled) himself into your life, because by your own admission you enjoy the physical thing with him. He will of course be aware that you are craving that from him and he uses it to great advantage. You are the flavour of the month. Why are you so concerned with the dynamics of the marriage. Are you trying to understand him? If he is broke n inside as you seem to think, probably nobody will ever mend him. Anyway, what does it matter? All that matters is that you dump him as quickly as you can before you get really , really damaged by him. It can take a long time to heal from the kind of emotional damage that some suffer after an A. Leave him to his wife ... one day you will be very glad that it is she and not you who has to pick up the bits and pieces. Darling, Just run like blazes away from the whole tacky scenario or you will come unstuck in a big way. All my best wishes to you, Hope your New Year has a brighter perspective, Gentlegirl
Author MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Basically: Why did you not run from him the moment you found he was married? It would have been a wise decision. He was assuming you were an easy lay from the beginning. It's not flattering to you at all. I am sure he has "integrated" ( substitute weaseled) himself into your life, because by your own admission you enjoy the physical thing with him. He will of course be aware that you are craving that from him and he uses it to great advantage. You are the flavour of the month. Why are you so concerned with the dynamics of the marriage. Are you trying to understand him? If he is broke n inside as you seem to think, probably nobody will ever mend him. Anyway, what does it matter? All that matters is that you dump him as quickly as you can before you get really , really damaged by him. It can take a long time to heal from the kind of emotional damage that some suffer after an A. Leave him to his wife ... one day you will be very glad that it is she and not you who has to pick up the bits and pieces. Darling, Just run like blazes away from the whole tacky scenario or you will come unstuck in a big way. All my best wishes to you, Hope your New Year has a brighter perspective, Gentlegirl I did run when I found out, and he would not let it go, and I can admit I was weak and drawn back in numerous times.My fault as well. Easy lay, that was not the case, I put up roadblocks, and he could of easily and I stress easily found someone less complicated, less hassle, and much more of a willing, easy lay. He has made decisions to integrate himself, which would seem too close for comfort for most men naturally, into my life, that I question. Without TMI, it is much like an unbelievable soap opera, like waking up to a friend calling and saying, wow, guess 'who' just announced they are god father to your child. And you are like WTF! I do hope the New Year's brings more perspective, and healthier prospects. And to the poster who assumed many untruths, no this is not a May-December romance, I am younger than MM but much closer in age gap then a 20 year old and a 50 year old! I do question honestly why a woman would have children after years of an unfaithful marriage. He admitted he was caught before they had children. I question why he would have children, but again as Miss Bee so nicely put, I do not need the stress of placing myself in the middle of their dysfunction. If you are married to a huge cokehead for years, and decide to start a family with one, it is quite absurd to question and be angry years later that you have a family and your husband is this big bad cokehead! I have been in 1 or 2 abusive relationships, and while I may have tried or made an attempt to solve it, I was smart enough to know when it was time to be proactive and leave such a situation. And in saying this, one draw to him was even though he is this 'terrible' guy to most for being a cheater, out of all our times associating, the ups and the downs, I have not had even the tiniest glimpse or sense of an abusive man, his tone, his mannerisms, the natural calm and understanding that exudes from him was comforting. My radar is extremely sensitive when it comes to this and this may be what has kept me around. Not sure yet. What I do understand like you mentioned is he is unmendable, and I would be an idiot to think he will be faithful in our affair. I have let him know in many certain terms that I will not put up with that, I will however not call him out like others have in the past, but will drop the situation like a hot platter. He may be used to craziness and may be drawn to those type situations, and I have stressed that that is not my cup of tea, and I do not need that in my life, I am free, and do not want or need these hassles. But again as Miss Bee mentioned here we have two adults who have made the decision to live in turmoil and dysfunction, their choice, and not mine to fix.
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