hesh86 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Sometimes my gf wants to do things that I don't. The reverse is true also. But we end up doing what she wants/does not want. For a few days I said we could go out for dinner - she refused. Then she asks me on friday that she wants to go out for dinner. I suggested that after that I can 'pleasure her'. We have been intimate before (about twice a month). She refused. Considering that she refused to go out the previous nights when I wanted to, I said to her that I did not want to do what she wanted to do if she did not want to do what I wanted. Here is where I made the mistake - what I said sent a red flag to her female brain and she asked me if I was saying "you don't want to go out unless we get physical?". Without thinking about the nature of my request and out of frustration I said "yes". She said OK, see you tomorrow and I did not think there was anything wrong. The next day she was visibly upset with me. Instead of her communicating it to me, I went and asked her if she was mad at me. Then she says how I made her feel like a slut the previous night and how she had a 'fleeting' doubt about whether I was in the relationship only for the physical stuff. It was one of the worst things anyone has said to me. I apologized to her - it was not my intention to make her feel that way. I told her that I got the impression that she was saying "I am not going to do what you want, but I want you to do what I want" the previous night and that is why I said yes to the question "you don't want to go out unless we get physical?". It was a totally objective answer. I could have been in the mood for going out for a movie and said "I don't want to go out unless we watch a movie" also. I don't think she would have come and said "I think you are in the relationship only for the movies". It's strange how the female mind works. I should mention that we have been together for over 10 months and have talked about marriage several times and have even gone out several times without getting physical (to which she agrees BTW). Our parents both approve of this relationship. How could she still have felt this way? She did say soon after our discussion that she loved me and I told her that I loved her too and that she was an amazing person to put up with what I had said even though I really did not mean it. I was rationalizing too much when I agreed to her remark, perhaps. But the fact that it only took one (what I thought was trivial) incident to lose trust is worrisome to me. I hope people get my point. I love her and even have an engagement ring ready for her. I don't know if she thinks I am in it for the sexual stuff anymore, but it worries me that one sentence (said out of context of the big message I was getting across to her) could make her distrust me. If it was just a fleeting doubt she would not have said what she did. Just because she says she loves me does not mean she has the same level of trust for me. Should I ask her if she lost trust? How do I prove to her that her heart is what I care about more than anything else? Suggestions? PS - for all of you feminist trolls that have nothing better to do than man-bashing, let me tell you that my gf is wonderful and she feels loved and she does tell me this.
Pasttense Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Actions speak louder than words; you need to show by your actions that you are not using her--not smooth talk (which you seem to be asking for).
ditzchic Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 You don't tell her. You show her. Stop treating her like a slut.
Andy_K Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I think you should hand her your nuts on a silver plate. Oh wait, you have. You want to be careful or you'll wake up one day and realise you haven't had a blow job in ten years. To hell with what she said about not trusting you. That's a symptom, not the cause of your issues. Ignore it for now. You shouldn't have to apologise for wanting to have sex with your girlfriend. It's natural, normal, and healthy to want to. This isn't your problem, it's her insecurity. Firstly, you need to explain that 'sex' or 'physical stuff' is not something you 'get from her', it's something the two of you share. And if she isn't enjoying it and wanting it every bit as much as you, then you have BIG PROBLEMS. You want a sexual girlfriend. You want someone who appreciates being desired in a lustful sense as well as cared for in a loving sense. Both. And it's perfectly possible for sex to be an expression of that love too. You need her to understand this.
Jessica45 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Firstly, you need to explain that 'sex' or 'physical stuff' is not something you 'get from her', it's something the two of you share. And if she isn't enjoying it and wanting it every bit as much as you, then you have BIG PROBLEMS. You want a sexual girlfriend. You want someone who appreciates being desired in a lustful sense as well as cared for in a loving sense. Both. And it's perfectly possible for sex to be an expression of that love too. You need her to understand this.^ THIS! Her lack of desire and viewing sex as a commodity is a serious issue.
Feelsgoodman Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 You don't tell her. You show her. Stop treating her like a slut. Don't listen to this nonsense. You shouldn't be begging or negotiating with your girlfriend for sex. This is something that both parties should be eager to engage in (by the way, twice a month is ridiculous). If this girl says she feels like a slut because you want to have sex with her, she either has very serious issues or, more likely, is trying to manipulate you and make you feel guilty (very successfully I might add).
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Ehh... how do you tolerate twice a month?! -- if she doesn't already see that it's obvious you haven't been using her for her body then.............................. lol. It sounds like she's mistreating you, and you want to continue to let her... Ultimately I agree with Andy (and Feelsgoodman wtf) --- you need to try to communicate how important intimacy is to you and inquire as to why she doesn't want it that much. She may have some psychological hang ups (how old are the two of you?)... but if she's unwilling to address them, it may be healthier to find someone who is more compatible with your desires and views.
Author hesh86 Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 To all of you except Ditzchic (aka feminist troll...stop commenting on my threads you psycho) - thanks for your response. Yes, I do feel guilty. I feel like a an A-hole for wanting to be physical. But I don't think my gf wants me to feel this way. Yes, I have wanted to get the point across that sex is not about the lust for me. BTW, did I mention she is an old-fashioned christian and I'm not?
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 You SHOULDN'T feel like an ******* for wanting to be physical. It's an important and wonderful experience and a potential way to feel good with someone else AND become closer to them....... You shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to express physical intimacy within your relationship ... are you sure you want to possibly spend the rest of your life like that? (You mentioned you wanted to marry her). She may not change. You should really try to find out what is behind her disinterest in sex with you.
GG3 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Why are you only having sex twice a month? Not to make you paranoid but when I was younger I dated a couple of guys that I wasn't that into but was trying to make myself like them more because they were great guys. But I couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't that sexually into them forever so I broke up with them. I now make sure I'm really into someone, not just be with them because they are nice.
Andy_K Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 BTW, did I mention she is an old-fashioned christian and I'm not? I'm sorry to hear that. It explains a lot. The trouble with devout christians is that they're often brainwashed from a very young age to believe that sex/lust = dirty and bad. Undoing that sort of indoctrination is a huge task, especially if it's still a core belief of hers. Tell me, does she look down on girls who are 'easy', or dress slutty? Has she ever said anything dirty to you? Does she go out of her way to appear respectable whenever possible?
Feelsgoodman Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Yes, I do feel guilty. I feel like a an A-hole for wanting to be physical. But I don't think my gf wants me to feel this way. You'd be surprised how often women try to manipulate men into feeling guilty. Look at what she's doing...first she turns you down without any reason or explanation and then she turns it around and puts the blame on you by accusing you of only wanting to use her for sex (which doesn't even make any sense...if you were only interested ins ex, why would you stick around with someone who hardly ever puts outs?) In other words, she is in the wrong, yet you are the one feeling guilty and apologizing.
spice4life Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I'm a little confused by this story actually. Why are you only having sex twice a month? You are right in questioning why she would take what you said out of context. That is where I would start with her if I were you. Was the one thing you said so harsh it prevented her from seeing the bigger picture of what you were trying to convey? It needs to be discussed rationally though. The two of you need to discuss it without saying things that are meant to hurt one another. I'm also confused as to why you would say to her that you wanted to slow down the physical in one of your earlier posts? Why would you want to do that if she is your gf? In any case, it sounds like something happened in the relationship to make this such an issue. Did you two develop a sexual connection before an emotional one perhaps?
Author hesh86 Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 @Andy_K - yes, actually. She does find girls who wear what she thinks are revealing clothes repulsive. She has recently started saying dirty things to me, but then laughs that she can't believe she said them. I recognize the fact that she has been indoctrinated with conservative beliefs. As a person, she is sociable and easy to talk to on all other matters. She does go out of her way to appear respectable - she is a little self-conscious. OK, I still think that I can work my way out of this. I don't want to change her. I certainly have enjoyed her company and up until very recently she enjoyed my company. This last week has just been one of those weeks. Let's see what happens. We are going to a party together tonight. Hopefully, it will make her realize that we do enjoy each other's company. Thanks again everyone, esp. Andy, Onyx, feelsgoodman...
Author hesh86 Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 that is a good question...we have been together more than ten months as i had mentioned. That's what kinda bothers me too... i guess there is something deeper to this. Maybe it's her, maybe its' both of us. I am going to find out.
Michael930t Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) I think you should hand her your nuts on a silver plate. Oh wait, you have. You want to be careful or you'll wake up one day and realise you haven't had a blow job in ten years. To hell with what she said about not trusting you. That's a symptom, not the cause of your issues. Ignore it for now. You shouldn't have to apologise for wanting to have sex with your girlfriend. It's natural, normal, and healthy to want to. This isn't your problem, it's her insecurity. Firstly, you need to explain that 'sex' or 'physical stuff' is not something you 'get from her', it's something the two of you share. And if she isn't enjoying it and wanting it every bit as much as you, then you have BIG PROBLEMS. You want a sexual girlfriend. You want someone who appreciates being desired in a lustful sense as well as cared for in a loving sense. Both. And it's perfectly possible for sex to be an expression of that love too. You need her to understand this. Perfect said! Twice in a month? Having to apologize for wanting it after dinner? If she has no sex drive now and you two are dating what is it going to be like 5 years from now if you two are married? Personally, I would walk away! Too many other women out there that like and want sex! Not being intimate with your partner will eventually push you away--its an important part of any relationship. And who wears the pants in this relationship????? Step up and be a man! Women dont like pansies! Edited December 11, 2011 by Michael930t
OnyxSnowfall Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 that is a good question...we have been together more than ten months as i had mentioned. That's what kinda bothers me too... i guess there is something deeper to this. Maybe it's her, maybe its' both of us. I am going to find out. LoL oops that you did. I went back and reread it slower --- I think I was a little too eager to respond to other things that I glazed over that part In any case, I hope you're able to figure it out with her and good luck. 10 months is quite a while together (especially considering that you both have already been intimate before... it's not like she's waiting until marriage, heh)... but maybe it's something she may be open to exploring and working out with you.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hesh what you need to do is learn if she is even physically attracted to you. Even if she is highly christian conservative, she cant hide a real physical connection for too long. What you need to do is show her you dont NEED sex from her. Show her you can tease her physically without hinting about sex. Even if you have to wait another month for her to get in the mood, as long as you dont push it and let her initiate for a while. Then she wont feel like you are only using her. Eventually she will feel more comfortable. But make sure she is even attracted to you first. Dont put it past her that she is in a relationship with you for the sake of a relationship. Many people do that. Also remember, that a woman like her, when you say things to her, she multiplies it by 60% in her head. So if you say you like sex, she sees it as you being a sex addict. Which means you dont see who she is past sex. Usually she could feel this way is she is irrationally emotional. Get it? so you have to be careful what you say.
Cypress25 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 You might have said this already, but are you her first sexual partner? If she lost her virginity to you, then you might have to be extra sensitive about this issue. She just wants to be reassured that you love her as a person too. Some people need more reassuring than others. It's also possible that she has been used for sex in the past, and now she has some trust issues. Talk to her about it in a non-judgmental way.
RecordProducer Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Then she asks me on friday that she wants to go out for dinner. I suggested that after that I can 'pleasure her'. Please tell me you're 16. Or a member of some (originally) non-western religion. Because only in those two cases does your post make perfect sense. her female brain Urgh....
joystickd Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 If you want sex that bad you need to tell her you are using her to open the door for fresh air and while she it at it she can step out and not come back. There are too many women out here to worry about one not pulling her panties down
Author hesh86 Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Well, I talked to her. Turns out she was insecure about me thinking that she was a slut bcoz of a series of misunderstandings in the past including friday's incident- too long to elaborate here. Nobody's fault really. I told her I certainly did not think that way about her. She is ok with us being physical again. All it needed was a little talking, but I knew there was something deeper. There was no loss of trust either. @record producer - yes I do belong to a non-western culture. I also don't think saying 'female brain' is wrong. Coming from a biological background I know that males and females have different brain structures and responses to external stimuli. I also think it evolutionarily makes sense... (just getting a little nerdy there) Thank you all once again.
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