Broke up with the stoner -- but didn't make things clear

[Standard-Fare]

As I described in a previous thread, I've been dating a stoner for the past two years. And despite our insane chemistry and the comfort I always felt with him, his habit ended up being a dealbreaker for me. It prevented me from taking him seriously and caused me to be cagey and distant in the relationship -- which, in turn, didn't work for him.

 

Over a month ago we had a talk about our stances, and our mutual inability to move forward given the other partner's bullsh*t. He said he'd probably consider giving up weed if he had any faith that I'd be able to take him more seriously -- but he just didn't have that faith.

 

We prolonged the inevitable for while. We hung out less, but would still see each other and just avoid talking about our issues. We were still incredibly tender with each other at night. It started feeling pretty messed up and tragic.

 

Well, finally we got around to having "the talk" three nights ago. It happened way more quickly than I wanted it to, and I didn't get a chance to say a lot of the things I needed to say. He was very stoic, very firm -- said he couldn't keep going on like this. He said that breaking it off was the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life. It ended on a subway platform, with me sobbing and trying to continue the conversation but him walking away. I know it was equally painful for both of us.

 

And now, I'm in a world of hell. Can't eat, sleep, function. And I don't feel one positive emotion about it -- no freedom, no relief. I know that he's right in the same place; I saw very plainly how hurt he was.

 

For me, the unnatural pain of this has made some things clear. We love each other. How often do you find someone you hold hands with every single time you fall asleep? We've both just been too immature to deal with this like adults. Two people who feel this way should be able to work on things and make compromises for each other, and we never did.

 

I regret that, during our breakup talk, I didn't have the chance to tell him that YES, if he was able to give up weed that yes I COULD take him seriously -- and that that's exactly what I wanted. That I know I'd be willing to work on my own aloofness and bullsh*t because love is worth it.

 

I'm definitely staying away for right now -- but is this thought is worth conveying to him in clear terms? Granted, I doubt it would change anything and I honestly don't know if he'd be able to give up weed. I also know this alone time is essential for both of us because if he did give up weed he'd have to do it on his own.

 

But is it worth saying, in case it could motivate him to change? If not even for our relationship, which may be beyond reviving, but for his own sake?

Edited December 11, 2011 by Standard-Fare

[carhill]

My sympathies. IMO, it's probably better that you didn't do all the 'qualifiers' and just left it at that.

 

Someone with his drug habit will only change for themselves and they generally need to hit rock bottom to do it, where they are completely alone in the world and have no easy walls to lean against. Then, and usually only then, will change 'take'.

 

The pattern will be that he walks away, then uses his social skills to hook someone else, then the pattern will repeat, etc, etc. Then he'll be back around to you. Up to you whether you want to be a part of that. Myself, it would be a clean break, black hole NC and changing of all contact information, then let healing commence. I only advise this path because of the nature of addictive personalities, in that they generally don't respect boundaries, and that you still have an intense attraction to him. Good luck

[stillafool]

I agree with Carhill. Plus you ex already know that the weed was the problem. There's no need to rub it in his face. I hope you feel better soon. It will take time. Try to stay busy if you can.

[ShannonMI]

As I described in a previous thread, I've been dating a stoner for the past two years. And despite our insane chemistry and the comfort I always felt with him, his habit ended up being a dealbreaker for me. It prevented me from taking him seriously and caused me to be cagey and distant in the relationship -- which, in turn, didn't work for him.

 

Over a month ago we had a talk about our stances, and our mutual inability to move forward given the other partner's bullsh*t. He said he'd probably consider giving up weed if he had any faith that I'd be able to take him more seriously -- but he just didn't have that faith.

 

We prolonged the inevitable for while. We hung out less, but would still see each other and just avoid talking about our issues. We were still incredibly tender with each other at night. It started feeling pretty messed up and tragic.

 

Well, finally we got around to having "the talk" three nights ago. It happened way more quickly than I wanted it to, and I didn't get a chance to say a lot of the things I needed to say. He was very stoic, very firm -- said he couldn't keep going on like this. He said that breaking it off was the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life. It ended on a subway platform, with me sobbing and trying to continue the conversation but him walking away. I know it was equally painful for both of us.

 

And now, I'm in a world of hell. Can't eat, sleep, function. And I don't feel one positive emotion about it -- no freedom, no relief. I know that he's right in the same place; I saw very plainly how hurt he was.

 

For me, the unnatural pain of this has made some things clear. We love each other. How often do you find someone that you hold hands with every single time you fall asleep? We've both just been too immature to deal with this like adults. Two people who feel this way should be able to work on things and make compromises for each other, and we never did.

 

I regret that, during our breakup talk, I didn't have the chance to tell him that YES, if he was able to give up weed that yes I COULD take him seriously -- and that that's exactly what I wanted. That I know I'd be willing to work on my own aloofness and bullsh*t because love is worth it.

 

I'm definitely staying away for right now -- but is this thought is worth conveying to him in clear terms? Granted, I doubt it would change anything and I honestly don't know if he'd be able to give up weed. I also know this alone time is essential for both of us because if he did give up weed he'd have to do it on his own.

 

But is it worth saying, in case it could motivate him to change? If not even for our relationship, which may be beyond reviving, but for his own sake?

I can relate. I dumped a guy over his pot issues and his bipolar illness that he didn't take medication for. Loved him and had an incredible sexual relationship with him. The best of my life actually. He moved back to California after I dumped him because he is originally from there. He still calls and texts me every day. I miss him like crazy. I've gone on dates with other guys, but I miss my Cali guy. I'm weirdly addicted to him and he is to me. He actually was talking the other night about coming back to New York to get an apartment with me. I told him no. I can't live with an unstable man. He is currently on medication for his bipolar and is not smoking weed, but he's only been a month sober. I told him talk to me in 6 months about things and we'll see. If he's sober and on meds, I will date him again. I love him. I really do.

 

Try to stay away from your ex. I know it's so hard, but you need to stick to your guns. Being in contact with him will only prolong your pain. You won't be able to get over him and move on. Believe me, I know. The only reason I still remain in contact with my Cali guy is because we are like best friends. I value his friendship more then anything else. Eventually though if he doesn't get his sh*t together, I'm going to have to end all contact. I should now actually, but it's way too hard.

 

Is your ex trying to get clean or no?

[Standard-Fare]

I agree with Carhill. Plus you ex already know that the weed was the problem. There's no need to rub it in his face. I hope you feel better soon. It will take time. Try to stay busy if you can.

 

It's not that I'd want to rub it in his face. He knows weed was a huge issue for me.

 

But I also wasn't a saint in this relationship. Despite our connection, I kept my guard up and never let him in. I rarely introduced him to friends, he never met my family, I'd be aloof with him and sometimes fall out of contact for a few days. Meanwhile he was always really open with me about how much he cared and was willing to let me in.

 

My pain during the past few weeks and especially the past couple of days is my OWN "rock bottom" -- it shows me the error of my ways in glaring clarity. I should have at least showed him that I loved him and wanted to take the leap with him, so he could have had that motivation. Instead I just shut down. This is what I'm regretting now -- and my urge is to let him know about it.

[carhill]

No one is perfect. This time of healing is an opportunity to better understand and work on those aspects of yourself which you identified as worthy areas during this relationship.

 

This article might be of some assistance during this time.

 

A question to ask yourself is whether the 'negatives' you identified in your behavior are a pattern or exclusive to this relationship. The answers will help with clarity regarding next steps. Good luck

[dasein]

I think a brief BRIEF email is in order clarifying that your big issue is the weed, then let the cards fall where they may. If there is intransigence there, move straight into pure NC. Good luck.

[Ruby Slippers]

Only an addict or a fool would give up a good relationship for their fix. I'm a recreational toker myself, but if it were getting in the way of love with a good guy, I'd give it up for life without thinking twice about it.