gigs

[chados]

some of you probably know my story, well im gonna make it short. she broke up with me, i believe i pushed her to much after we had a talk about how we want the relationship to be like, i could see the signs and yet i started to push her, and of course that made it even easier for her to choose. it was a rough first month. i just wanted her back, guess mostly because i didnt want to be alone. after she contacted me once a week asking alot of questions. i told her, you know what? i dont want to talk with you right now, she started crying, then i did say something stupid, you are stringing me along.

 

and after i said that she sounded happier again, with the knowing that i still cared about her probably?. well i realized my mistake and texted her, i dont mean i want you back. i just dont feel like talking right now. 3 hours later she texted me "i understand"

 

childish ? yes

but really wanted the pressure to go away and i wanted her to know that im not sad. well now 2 months later i miss her.

 

 

questions

1. do i have gigs and want her back?

2. any dumpers out there that are having regrets about the decision to leave?

3. girls. is it very common for you to get gigs in a relationship?, but youre leaving someone that youre actually love

[Lonely-lulu]

Hi Chados,

 

I am a dumpee so I haven't really got the experience you're looking for but I can confirm I am a girl and prior to this break up I have always been the dumper! All four previous relationships I ended because I fell out of love with the boy/man, normally this came after months of being treated sub standardly but not abused. However after a while I just got fed up of feeling like a low priority. I would have never returned to these relationships and when I think about the no contact advice, it really is for you to heal not for her because if she has fallen out of love with you like I did with my exes I didn't really care that I never spoke to them again.

 

Sometimes though love doesn't work that way, sometimes relationships end when you both still love each other but one person feels the love is not enough. I think this is when no contact can lead to reconciliation but only if the grass wasn't greener and sometimes unfortunately it is. As I said I am a dumpee and I'm heartbroken but I was heartbroken in my relationship waiting for someone else to make me happy, now I'm heartbroken waiting for me to make me happy. I'd rather take the chance on me than someone else, I'd never give up on me.

 

All anyone on this forum can do is offer you suggestions, all you can do is speculate about her feelings. The truth is you may never know. But one thing I'm sure of is that if my ex really loved me he wouldn't of walked out leaving me crying. The person you eventually are meant to be with will want the same things as you, even if you're going in different directions they'll find a path where you can still hold hands whilst doing separate things.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for. I find it really reassuring that there are men like you comfortable about discussing your feelings and looking for help and advice. I truly hope you find your happiness again and that amazing feeling of falling in love!

[chados]

Hi Chados,

 

I am a dumpee so I haven't really got the experience you're looking for but I can confirm I am a girl and prior to this break up I have always been the dumper! All four previous relationships I ended because I fell out of love with the boy/man, normally this came after months of being treated sub standardly but not abused. However after a while I just got fed up of feeling like a low priority. I would have never returned to these relationships and when I think about the no contact advice, it really is for you to heal not for her because if she has fallen out of love with you like I did with my exes I didn't really care that I never spoke to them again.

 

Sometimes though love doesn't work that way, sometimes relationships end when you both still love each other but one person feels the love is not enough. I think this is when no contact can lead to reconciliation but only if the grass wasn't greener and sometimes unfortunately it is. As I said I am a dumpee and I'm heartbroken but I was heartbroken in my relationship waiting for someone else to make me happy, now I'm heartbroken waiting for me to make me happy. I'd rather take the chance on me than someone else, I'd never give up on me.

 

All anyone on this forum can do is offer you suggestions, all you can do is speculate about her feelings. The truth is you may never know. But one thing I'm sure of is that if my ex really loved me he wouldn't of walked out leaving me crying. The person you eventually are meant to be with will want the same things as you, even if you're going in different directions they'll find a path where you can still hold hands whilst doing separate things.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for. I find it really reassuring that there are men like you comfortable about discussing your feelings and looking for help and advice. I truly hope you find your happiness again and that amazing feeling of falling in love!

 

 

thanks for the kind reply:) im a talker, i do feel its the best way to show your feelings and to make your feelings grow. your right, if the dont love you its not going to happen. there's so much i could write here, i could speculate for years and i would still come up with 5 different meanings. i do believe that she loved me , not as strong as before though. im not even sure if i love her. but there's something with waiting 3 hours before replying, and i even said you dont have to answer this. i cant help wondering how she reacted.

 

 

and after everything i told her, would she ever admit if she really missed me?

[Lonely-lulu]

Sometimes the questions are easier to deal with than the answers. For example my ex told me during our final conversation that of course he misses me but not enough to want be in a relationship with me. I think I'd rather he'd just said no, the idea that he'd weighed up the pro's and con's of being with me and decided that life would be better without me was much worse than the thought he'd just blocked it all out.

 

I'm sure she thinks about you, wonders what you're doing or if you should still be together. I'm not sure she'd be human if she didn't. But I think you can sometimes get trapped in your experience of a situation and your perception is your reality and hers is hers. The things you see as meaningful may be flippant to her and vice versa.

 

Do you want to get back together?

[chados]

Sometimes the questions are easier to deal with than the answers. For example my ex told me during our final conversation that of course he misses me but not enough to want be in a relationship with me. I think I'd rather he'd just said no, the idea that he'd weighed up the pro's and con's of being with me and decided that life would be better without me was much worse than the thought he'd just blocked it all out.

 

I'm sure she thinks about you, wonders what you're doing or if you should still be together. I'm not sure she'd be human if she didn't. But I think you can sometimes get trapped in your experience of a situation and your perception is your reality and hers is hers. The things you see as meaningful may be flippant to her and vice versa.

 

Do you want to get back together?

 

 

 

 

 

 

i can tell you this. i wouldnt make it easy for her. there's one thing with hurting another person, and there's another thing with choosing how to hurt another person. what she did was just to me a childish and cruel way to end things. and thats by not saying anything. i told her, we can talk later but if you want to end it, end it on the phone right now. because i dont wanna walk around here 1 more week and believe theres a chance and then get crushed. this is something i wanted from her. this wasn't just about breaking up. i begged her for respect to stop hurting me. i know grown ups dont wanna end things on the phone. but if i tell her this is what i want, im not gonna tell her how much i hate her for actually doing it later on.

 

 

maybe im just lonely you know? she dumped me and now i miss her and want her back. this is just how humans work. we will always want what we dont have anymore.

[Lonely-lulu]

Oh man I know exactly how you feel. I miss being in a relationship so much. Cuddling, having someone to talk to, to watch nonsense on tv with, to hold hands with, to kiss.............I could go on but I won't! It's so unbelievably hard to move on and accept you've lost all of that commitment and the future you'd planned. I'm not sure you ever really get over that loss but I guess only time will tell. I just hope and pray that there is someone in the world looking for me! And you for that matter!!

[chados]

Oh man I know exactly how you feel. I miss being in a relationship so much. Cuddling, having someone to talk to, to watch nonsense on tv with, to hold hands with, to kiss.............I could go on but I won't! It's so unbelievably hard to move on and accept you've lost all of that commitment and the future you'd planned. I'm not sure you ever really get over that loss but I guess only time will tell. I just hope and pray that there is someone in the world looking for me! And you for that matter!!

 

 

 

hope so to. well at least im not feeling this heartbreak feeling. but im not far away from crying, im just sad and alone you know.

[Lonely-lulu]

I know sugar, it's horrible and it hurts in your stomach. I so wish I could give you a secret that will suddenly make everything make sense and not hurt anymore but I can't. Just know that you are kind and very sweet and things you've said have helped me and hopefully things I've said have helped you. Try to forget the past and indulge yourself imagine your ideal woman, what you want her to be like etc etc! Go out and flirt as well, I went out for the first time on Friday and lots of guys were talking to me, you feel better knowing that you've still got it!! Most importantly if you feel like you want to cry do it, don't bottle it up, it comes out sooner or later. I sat in my car the other night sobbing to myself and although people say it makes you feel better but it made me feel awful but I think you need to wallow in your own misery sometimes it makes the other less miserable days seem great! Keep your chin up chicken x

[chados]

I know sugar, it's horrible and it hurts in your stomach. I so wish I could give you a secret that will suddenly make everything make sense and not hurt anymore but I can't. Just know that you are kind and very sweet and things you've said have helped me and hopefully things I've said have helped you. Try to forget the past and indulge yourself imagine your ideal woman, what you want her to be like etc etc! Go out and flirt as well, I went out for the first time on Friday and lots of guys were talking to me, you feel better knowing that you've still got it!! Most importantly if you feel like you want to cry do it, don't bottle it up, it comes out sooner or later. I sat in my car the other night sobbing to myself and although people say it makes you feel better but it made me feel awful but I think you need to wallow in your own misery sometimes it makes the other less miserable days seem great! Keep your chin up chicken x

 

 

 

thanks:) yes it does help. just talk helps actually. but maybe there comes a day when you need to accept the fact that whatever youre saying doesn't gonna change anything. i've learned a lot from this relationship. i know what i did wrong, what she did wrong, what caused the breakup. if she still had feelings towards me, i would know how to fix our problems, but i cant wait for her to come back. i do know that theres a big chance this is just me being lonely and got nothing to do with the relationship itself. because like i said earlier , you cant control what you feel, and you dont always know why youre feeling like this. your head is spinning because now your alone, and one person made you feel alone.

Edited December 11, 2011 by chados