What should the other woman do?

[Mr Spock]

Ok, here's the deal. I've been sleeping with this man since December. We've even been on a road trip together-how the hell do I tell a married man with two kids that I'm in love with him? Obviously something in the marriage is NOT RIGHT. Our relationship consists of frequent emails (his only from work) and the occasional discreet meeting at my place. I see him out and about. He cancelled on one of our meetings and I sent a nasty message but immediatly regretted it and sent another explaining that I was embarassed and angry (I haven't stated how I feel, quite the contrary I'm scared he will end it so I try to keep our talk about the carnal side but he would have to be blind not to see that I like him) and I felt foolish calling him in the first place....he won't see either of them until next Monday back at work. I'm afraid that A. He'll think I'm insane and break it off and B.I am insane and I'll react badly!! How could I have let myself get into this Fricking postion?

 

What do I do? What have I done?

[Mr Spock]

I'd also like to add that he's much older than I am-how to I either get this guy out of my system or let him know I want more? How do I MAKE him want more of me? Who wants to buy the cow when they're giving the milk away for free....I just wish I hadn't got so snappy angry and sent him a blistering email, because I've had to send another one that basically says "read me first". How do I express my feelings? As far as I know the marriage is stable, although he did tell someone we mutually know months ago that it was pretty much dead and he was leaving her, it seems to be ok for now. I just can't continue like this, and I'm worried if he breaks it off because of my snarky email (even with the apology) it will make me go insane and do something that will make him hate me, like wreck his marriage!!! He's having his cake and eating it too dammit. I deserve better.

[Mr Spock]

AND finally, should I even let him know how I truly feel? I don't think there is much of a chance of a relationship-there has been no utterings of love-but it almost hurts how badly I want to tell him how pissed I am that I've fallen in love (or deeply in like, whatever)with him, how mad I am that because he's unhappy in his relationship he reached out and found me-my friend says NO!! Hang on to your self respect, never let them know how they affect you, hang on to your dignity. But I am mad, mad that I can't get the relationship I deserve. Well, I don't know for sure because I've never told him!!

 

PHEW!!!!

 

Did that ever feel good to get off my chest.

[FolderWife]

*sigh* while it is of course a bad bad idea to get involved with a married man, and most people (including me) think it would be a good idea to just ditch him and move on, I for one KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO DUMP SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

 

I was once another woman to an engaged man. I just outright started telling him that I loved him. Our relationship consisted of discreet phone calls from work, and sometimes if he was home alone at night (around 1a.m. after he'd left her place) he'd call me. We'd meet up from time to time like you and your guy do. I always thought he'd leave her, though, and when I finally let it sink in that he wouldn't, I decided that if he'd rather chose a woman he didn't love over me, a woman who'd give him anything and everything (and not to mention who was better looking ) then he's an idiot, and I don't want to be with an idiot. So I just let myself get mad at him for chosing someone else over me, and I ended it. Honestly, though, the contact didn't end completely until the DAY that I got married. Then out of respect for my husband, I quit talking to this other guy.

 

Honestly, as long as the guy is getting the milk free, I don't think he'll leave. Obviously you love him, so you're not going to just quit giving him milk.

 

I used to get so p.o.ed at my guy for breaking dates with me, and BELIEVE ME, there was many many times that I got stood up. There was this one time that they were supposedly broke up, and I wanted him to come to church with me, to meet my parents. He called from his cell phone, telling me that he was on his way, and to meet him at our local Walmart. Church started at 2, and at 1:55, he wasn't there yet. I was fuming...and worried...I kept calling his cell from my cell, and I kept getting voice mail. I thought he'd died! Just ten minutes before, he was on his way, and now he was nowhere to be found. I went to church without him. When I got home, there was a message from right after 2, that he left. He'd went to his EX girlfriend's house, and "She wouldn't let him out of the driveway." I asked him why in the heck he went to his EX girlfriend's house in the first place, and he said that he needed to drop something off to her.

 

Like it couldn't wait.

 

I just got fed up being stood up all the time. I hooked up with him in November, and by February, I realized it wasnt' going to happen.

 

If he is close enough to you to sleep with you, then he should be close enough to hear the truth from you. What's it going to hurt to tell him that you love him? He's not going to dump you, as long as you are still willing to sleep with him, and not tell his wife. Trust me, honey, he isn't going to leave someone he's having a great time with. If anything, he should be worried that you are going to dump him! Especially if he's cancelling dates. Look on the bright side. If he does dump you over this, then you will be able to move on without any regrets.

[FolderWife]

P.S. If he does dump you (which he won't) don't tell his wife.

 

1. She probably already knows, and just doesn't want to admit it to herself.

2. She has kids with him, and there's no need in breaking up a family, if he's willing to go back to it.

3. If he breaks up with you, getting revenge isn't going to make you feel any better

4. Don't threaten to tell his wife, because it serves absolutely no purpose.

5. If she is meant to find out about you, it'll either be by him telling her, or her walking in on you two.

6. If you would tell her, she'd hate YOU, not her husband, and he'd hate YOU, so then they'd have hating you in common...we don't want that, do we.

7. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. She's married to a pig...the father of her kids. No use ruining her fairy tale.

8. If he does break up with you, it's not HER FAULT. HE IS THE PIG LEADING YOU ON! HE'S THE PIG CHEATING ON HIS WIFE. The RIGHT thing for him to do would be dump you for his wife. If he does that, you can't fault him for it, because you are the one who got yourself in this mess in the first place.<--I don't judge you, because remember, I was THERE.

9. If he does leave you, it most likely won't be for HER, it will be for his FAMILY. The reason I don't leave, is because I love my dog, and my car, and my home. If I get divorced, I lose all of that. He won't dump you for his wife, he'll dump you to keep his life; his kids, his money, his home, his family's respect...his life.

10. Just because he's in love with, and lusting after another woman, it's going to be hard for him to leave his entire life for love and lust. At this very minute, I dont' love my husband very much, but I love my life. So I stay.

 

If he would get divorced for you, he may go back to her, or he may cheat on you...do you want to risk that? Once a cheater, always a cheater. Looking back, I'm soooooo glad that guy didn't leave his fiance, because I'd probably be cheated on right now! Learn from this: Don't date men in relationships...they rarely leave their wife for the OW.

 

However, if you are not ready to walk away (like I'm not) then nothing anyone says is going to make you walk away. Telling him you love him will not make him leave his wife. Threatening to tell his wife will not make him leave his wife...it will make him leave you. You've already written an apology letter, so I'm 99% sure that he'll forgive you for ranting out on him.

 

If you stay with him, then there are going to be several cancellations. That's part of dating a MM. Therefore, just accept it, or dump him.

 

I try to stand by that philosophy. People DON'T change. If a husband looks at porn, you can try to make him stop all you want...he may stop for a while, but he'll be right back to doing it again in no time. If a husband wants his wife to clean house, but she's lazy, she may clean for a while, but she'll be lazy again in no time. People can't help who they are. People are just human. Therefore, if you don't like something they do, you can chose to accept their faults and work around it, or you can chose to not be around that person any more.

 

My husband is verbally abusive. I can chose to leave, or I can chose to live with it. I can work to not let his meaness hurt me, or change me, and I can avoid him. Or I can get a divorce.

 

So your options are that you are going to have to live with the fact that your boyfriend shares a bed with another woman. He has sex with another woman. He lives with another woman. Another woman gets to spend his money. Another woman gets to live in his house. Another woman is the mother of HIS children. Another woman gets to sit down to dinner with his kids and him. Another woman it his top priority. He may have plans for dinner with you, but if she calls and wants him to meet her at her mother's, you are ditched. That's what it's like to date another woman's husband.

 

Personally, after playing second fiddle to a woman my guys supposedly didn't love, or even like, I got fed up! 5 months is pleeeenty of time to figure out how to break up with someone. It sounds like you snatched him at a low point in his marriage, and now things are getting better again, and he wants her, but he's got you now, and wants you too.

 

He's not going to dump you. If he does, be GLAD that you are free of him and his baggage, and move on. See, I worry sometimes that my husband is so unhappy (as am I) that he's going to dump me. Then I start thinking of all the things I could do and be if I were free of him. Life will be good with or without him. You just have to realize that. If you are free of him, you can find someone who will be there SOLEY FOR YOU!!!! Don't worry about him dumping you...that's wasted worry. And don't fool yourself into thinking he'll leave his life (not his wife, his LIFE) for you, because you can read in all of these other threads, 99% of the time, it don't happen.

[kiababy]

Unfortunately I think you've already blown it by sending the angry email and even worse, a follow-up email. If you accept the role of the other woman, understand that you will always be number 2 - they almost NEVER leave their wives. And if you're thinking of calling his wife? Don't do it! You will devastate her and alienate him. He'll hate you. How do I know? I'm the other woman too. One of the many girls he was seeing before me got angry that he was starting to pull away from her and called his wife. He HATES her now...he said he wanted to go over to her house and slash her tires, but she just wasn't WORTH THE ENERGY.

 

The other woman is a fantasy, an escape for him. When he calls he wants you to sound happy to hear from him, even though it's been two weeks. That girl did me a huge favour - after that, he dumped all the other chicks out of fear another one of them would freak out and try to ruin his life. It's been 10 months and we're still together. I never cause any trouble, don't stress him about a relationship....I never even call him......I get calls from him all the time telling me how much he appreciates me for those reasons and how 'irreplacable and perfect' I am. But he is NOT MINE AND NEVER WILL BE.

 

Do yourself a favour - go out with other men, if he comes back make sure he knows it. Have a busy life with lots of activity...be too busy to see him. If you can't do that and insist on waiting by the phone...or computer to hear from him.....then you're in for a world of hurt. But Monday is right - don't take it out on his wife. O.K.?

[Mr Spock2]

Man, I should have come here a LOOONG time ago!! I would never actually TELL his wife-I think that's just when I get all worked up that I feel like that. What would I say "Excuse me, but I'm boinking your husband"

 

You're right, he'll never leave because he likes his LIFE too much-I just have this silly fantasy in my head. When we first hooked up, I was really, really drunk-he was stone cold sober. I picked him up-and it just sort of continued from there. I hate the fact that I'm ****ing with people's lives, but I can say honestly that the way it STARTED was not my fault. The fact that I'm continuing it is however. I also ask myself "Don't I deserve the chance to show people I am capable of a relationship?" While he gets to have his sexual fantasies with me he gets to carry out his perfect life with his kids, his house, his wife-and that's the part of me that goes a little insane I think-makes me want to mess it up a little.

 

There is a fine line between passion and hate-and I keep wavering over it, like a silly silly fool. Monday, your advice was great to read. Kiababy-the funny thing is that even though I was really REALLy angry about the cancellation-now I'm more freaked out that he'll be able to tell how much I like him from how angry I was!!! My friend thinks it will be Ok-he'll still probably read the original but at least he'll know I tried to repair things. I also resent him for allowing this to continue to the point where my feelings are involved. How the hell do I approach him now? The first email basically said "you want me, you fricking call, you email then-you think it's easy for me to call you? you think I'm hard on your ego?" except not nearly as polite. The second one explains how embarassed I was whenI wrote it, and when I'm embarassed I get angry, that it's hard for me to call and a refusal makesme feel foolish and stupid.

 

Honestly, I'm 23-he's 37-I run into them at social functions-and I run the other way (I've yet to meet her)-I was so stupid when this started up, thought that I could just keep it about sex and keep my feelings impersonal. And the funny thing is I actually believed myself.

[Mr Spock2]

I'd also like to add that I have been intimate with other men- he always asks me if I've gotten lucky. I always reply that I don't talk about those things.

[kiababy]

Don't be surprised he's let it continue until your feelings are involved - he was thinking that you were both on the same page - the sex is great, you are aware of his situation and (hopefully) you won't rock the boat.

 

How do you approach him if he contacts you again? You start fresh, don't over explain, justify or otherwise try to make him understand. If he asks...you were upset, don't know what got into you.. Then leave the topic alone. When the other woman starts to sound emotional every time the MM calls...guess what? He'll stop calling and find a new one.

 

I am glad that you see other men, I hope it helps your self-esteem. You sound like you want to stay in it with him; better get used to change of plans and canellations girlfriend. It goes with the territory. But please take back some of your power - don't always take his calls or answer his emails right away....men call or contact you when they're thinking about you. He'll think about you more if you give him time to miss you.

 

I know other women are going to read this and freak out that I'm giving you advice that veers away from 'leave him leave him leave him'...but I understand that it will take time for you to be ready to make the break. So while you're still in it....what's wrong with keeping your dignity?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by kiababy

So while you're still in it....what's wrong with keeping your dignity?

 

Now there's the oxymoron of the century!! LMAO.

[InfiniteSadness]

Its easy for you people to talk when you are not the one who's dealing with it...though you are very convincible..I'm in a pretty much same situation...When i don't see him when i don't hear from him i tell myself to break it off 'cause he's never gonna leave his wife but when he text me hold me hands tell me he wants to be with me i just want to give myself and us a chance..so i told him to wait...i don't know how long i can take it...i lie in the bed for hours before i can actually sleep...

[Mr Spock]

Kiababy, thanks for the great advice. I do continue to pursue other men-I was actually excited at one prospect because I was attracted to him enough to forget about MM, but it didn't pan out. I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen the rude email yet, so chances are he'll intercept them at the same time-hopefully the apology will work. It's titled "read me first!!" LOL and just says "delete that msg!!" I wish someone had told me about this site ages ago. I wish I'd never put my self in this situation in the first place. Thanks Kiababy, for not harping on me to end it-I have thought about it before but then I see him and I just can't do it.

 

I really hope he doesn't think I'm crazy!! Kiababy, how do youthink I should handle my feelings for him? I mean, I could tell him-I'm not asking him to leave his wife, just to acknowledge my feelings-but then again is it fair for him to be unhappy in his marriage and instead of leaving her or fixing it, have this affair with me? No. Do I even WANT this guy? Or do Ijust want him to want me? I have alot of issues I'd like to talk to him about. So maybe he doesn't want to leave his comfy house and home and kids, but does he realize he's pretty much ended his marriage? I'm not sure if he's had extramarital affairs before-he's not sleeping with anyone else (I asked, more than once-i told him for my own safety he needed to be honest and Ididn't care)

 

I just don't understand it. How is it ok in his own head? I mean he did tell a mutual friend their marriage was pretty much done and he was thinking of leaving-am I the factor in his week that has all of a sudden made his existance at home tolerable? I know he finds me sexually attractive, I know he likes me-I can tell by the way he looks at me when we talk to each other. It's in the eyes and the smile. I just don't know what I'll do if I've scared him off. What's crazier, sending a email lashing out because you're embarassed and foolish or sending an apology after it?

[kiababy]

To Infinite Sadness....boy, have I been there and done that. You're right, the women on here putting the OW down have NO IDEA what it feels like to have feelings for someone who belongs to someone else. Someone you can't call when you're happy, sad or whatever. It's horrible having to wait for him to contact you. Please do what I advised Mr. Spock - get out there and meet other people. Can you replace him with someone else? No you can't but guess what, your married guy does NOT want to know that you're lying in bed depressed over him. All women, not just OW need to realize that men imagine that when you're not with them, you're out having a good time. They LIKE that thought - you're the fun, happy girl they have a great time with. If they want mopey and depressed (the ladies are really gonna hate me now), they'll stay home with the wife.

 

Even if you're not out there having a great time - don't let him know that is the case. I understand what you're saying, no matter how you tell yourself you need to leave him.....his eyes, his smile, his touch, just MELTS you and makes you feel like there is no one else on earth you would rather be with. I've said elsewhere on this site - and I feel insane for saying it, I'm obsessed by my MM's eyes, hair, even his smell. When I get anywhere near him my heart starts pounding the minute I see him...and doesn't stop until we part. Why can't I transfer these feelings onto someone eles? Because chemistry doesn't work that way. Those feelings are specific to THAT person. And whatever issues we have that draw us to these men, keeps us coming back, wanting more. Please force yourself to go out and do something else.

 

 

Mr. Spock - a man can justify ANYTHING. And yes, it is possible you make it easier for him to go home and tolerate his unhappy life. But it's HIS LIFE. It's the life he made before he met you. It's all the work and the chldbirth and the holidays and family get togethers that happened before you came along. It's comfortable to him and it's his home. It seems like it should be easy for him to leave her, but it isn't. Not by a long shot. Men like security, so they stay in all kinds of relationships that don't woirk.

 

This morning my MM said to me: "I've just accepted the fact that my wife and I have a terrible sex life, I'm so happy I have you..." Gee, isn't that great for me? I've just made things so much easier for him....

 

O.K., your email.....I don't know how to answer that one.....not sure how he'll take it. But if you ever want to see him again - I know you do honey - DO NOT CONTACT HIM - let him contact you. Even if you think he might not have gotten your email....resist the urge to send a 'did you get my email...' email!!! He got it - trust me. Now he's probably thinking about how he'll answer. Or he could be waiting for things to calm down before he contacts you again; You said you see him out socially? If you do run into him again, just smile as if nothing happened. If he is as unhappy as he is complaining to his buddy that he is, he does not want to have any more drama in his life - especially with another woman.

 

I have lots of male friends who pick apart all of my scenarios with men - they've been through 3 affairs with me - this is number 3, and although they give great insights into the mysterious 'world of men' ha ha - they are not good at discouraging my behaviour.

 

Oh, and let me tell you the grass is not always greener. The first guy I had an affair with actually separated from his wife during our affair - we went from seeing each other twice a week to ONE DATE IN A 6 MONTH PERIOD. He spent the rest of the time trying to win her back and guess what? It worked. They're back together now and I don't miss him at all. The second guy is actually going through a divorce right now....due to issued NOT involving me - and now that I have to actually confront who he really is - what his strengths aren weaknesses are, how he handles stress.....I'm not so sure I want to continue with him. We see each other from time to time but my feelings for him have definitely available now that he's single!!!!!

[kiababy]

sorry, meant to say my feelings have 'changed', now that he's single. I'm tired, can't type properly, sorry ladies.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by InfiniteSadness

Its easy for you people to talk when you are not the one who's dealing with it...

 

Yes it is easy, and you're correct, people such as myself are NOT dealing with the trials of being the "OW" or being involved in an affair. And why is that? Let's see....because it's morally and logically WRONG to get mixed up with someone who's already committed their life to someone. But for those who make the CONSCIOUS DECISION to get mixed up in an affair, I'm sorry but I don't have any sympathy for you.....afterall, you FREELY made the decision to take part......whereas, the poor spouse who's being cheated ON....he or she DID NOT have the privilege of having the "choice" as to whether they wanted to have their heart broken, their marriage vows broken, their family busted up, the feelings of inadequacy, the loss of self esteem, the loss of dignity, etc. THEY obviously entered into marriage having faith and trust in their spouse...that they would keep their vows and be true to them......for better or for worse....forsaking all others.

 

When will people learn that when someone's in a relationship, especially one as sacred as marriage, that they're OFF LIMITS...UNAVAILABLE?

 

How can those who take part in affairs expect to receive sympathy for what they freely chose to get themself into? They made a conscious decision, of their own free will (nobody forced them or put a gun to their head) to cross the line and exceed boundaries with someone who was not truly available. I don't buy that crappy line of, "it just happened"....or "you can't help who you fall in love with." That's all pure BS. Love is a choice...it's not some magical spell you fall under without your consent and participation in.

 

We live in an age where there is less and less respect for marriage and the family. The "other woman" doesn't respect another woman's marriage or family. Married people (the cheating married people) find all kinds of convenient ways to justify their need to cheat: "my wife is crazy" "my husband doesn't meet all my needs" "my marriage is boring."

 

In the course of my life and career, I've met hundreds and hundreds of nice, attractive, charming, intelligent, caring, exciting, witty, compassionate, goal-driven, hard working "married men" who, if single, would be a damn good catch...........but the minute I see or come to find out they're married, I don't give them a second thought or look. I don't sit and daydream about someone's husband. I don't fantasize about someone's husband. I don't seek friendship with anyone's husband. I know the boundaries and I've never even been TEMPTED to cross the line. Why? Because I respect marriage immensely, and I believe it's some type of unwritten carnal sin to betray or disrespect another woman by disrespecting her marriage...no matter how obviously sh*tty her marriage was.

 

I will never, even on my deathbed, understand how we as human beings can be so selfish and hurtful to others.........to engage in deceitful behavior that will inevitably cause nothing but hurt and pain to innocent spouses and children.

 

I will never for the life of me understand how it isn't just basic good common sense that you don't take up with those who are married. Even as children, VERY YOUNG CHILDREN, we're taught not to take something that doesn't belong to us...........to not be selfish........to do what's right..........yet there's still oodles of people out there who can't understand why it's a huge fat No-No to get involved with someone who's married.

 

I'll never get it.

 

You can call me sanctimonious and arrogant and self-righteous and any other adjective you want, I don't care....I'm just responding to someone who accuses me of not understanding because I'm not dealing with being part of an affair. You damn right I don't understand, and I never will. And I understand it even less, each time I read a heartbreaking post on this and other forums........from devastated husbands and wives who are reaching out to strangers on the world wide web, trying to make sense of why their whole life and family was torn apart...all because of an affair....the innocent VICTIMS.

[Mr Spock]

I agree. And thanks for not telling me what I want to hear. My position is even MORE difficult because this guy makes no offering of love, no offereing of a relationship-so it makes me having emotions even more inappropriate, which is a big part of WHY I haven't told him I have feelings for him. Although he'd have to be terribly stupid not to realize I like him. At least other people on here have heard words of emotion, words of like. I'm just a peice of tail, albeit a fantastic one. Why am I wasting my damn time? I don't know. I'm bored I guess...... it hurts me to reallize that yes, he has family, and family vacations and trips and in-laws and history. And that I'll never be able to compete with that. I also try and realize when I'm reading into something. It's hard to imagine a future relationship when all he talks about is his life, sports, work-sure, he talks dirty with me but never ONCE have I heard anything suggesting feeling for me. Then again, I haven't said anything either. But yet we still email all the time and have good sex-actions speak louder than words sometimes.

[Mr Spock]

I'd also like to point out that cheating hurts everyone involved-I have been the OW, and I have also cheated in my one serious past relationship-I know now that it is better to end it if you want to cheat. Sorry, there are women who think every relationship is salvageable but at what cost??

[kiababy]

I hear you - they love to talk about the stuff that interests THEM - they like for us to listen, and because we like them soooooo much, it probably seems like we're fascinated by every single thing they say. Forbidden sex always rocks - it just does. Women roll sex and love into one feeling. Men can separate it. Our brains are wired differently than theirs. Just when you think he should be feeling the same thing you are....you realize he's not.

 

He's not offering love or a relationship because he doesn't have to - the affair is satisfying enough for him. You're so right about women thinking every relationship is salvagable, we keep telling ourselves 'maybe if I do this or say that'.....

 

Tell me something, you said that you met a guy recently who seemed like a good prospect but it didn't pan out....do you find yourself comparing every man to him (MM)?

 

I know I do that. He's got me wrapped so tightly around his finger - he says all the stuff that you fantasize a man will say to you. Today for instance he said he felt like "The luckiest man alive..." to have me. I was smiling like an idiot on the phone, happy as hell and on cloud nine. Oh yeah, he's lucky all right - I'm like a 24-hour convenience store -always open for business. I cancel dates for him all the time. I met the sweetest guy in the world last month, invited me over to his house, was going to cook me dinner...then HE called me in the morning and said "Don't make any plans tonight....." so I made up some stupid excuse and blew off a perfectly nice guy who could probably really care about me. I told MM about the cancelled dinner and he laughed his ass off about it. He loved it. I've figured out how to be the perfect mistress...but in doing so I've given all of my power over to him. But the pull is so strong. He's found every single one of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and knows exactly what to say and do to keep me drooling over him. Sometimes I can ignore his calls and turn down his invitations, sometimes I can't.

 

O.K. it's not like he has evil intentions.....in his own selfish way his is sincere, and he really believes what he is saying. But it's soooo wrong.....and sadly - I love every second of it!

[Mr Spock 2]

Not really comparing, I just have set guidlines to what I'm attracted to really. Should it bother me he doesn't whisper sweet (if bull****) nothings in my ear? I mean, you can't find books titled "How to steal your man" -how do I get him to take it to another level? Besides dumping his ass....that has worked for women before.

[Mr Spock 2]

I'd also like to share that even though I don't make a habit of dating MM my last BF of 4 years was married when I met him although we were good friends and the situation was much different-he left, but he was looking for an out before hand I think. I was very young and naive-I suppose that's why I'm still fostering some hope that the relationship has some chance of progressing. Listen to me!! There has been no mutual exchange of any other emotion but carnal!! And I'm mooning like a lovesick sheep. Tell me ways I can interest HIM.....

 

(ps-I find this site a bit hard to navigate and I'm too lazy to log in-hence the Mr Spock2)

[kechara]

Befuddled-

The thing that confuses me about your reply is this: you are obviously extremely angered by the subject of people having affairs- why are you reading in this forum?

 

Perhaps, you may be thinking that there needs to be some balance, someone to tell the other side of the story, a voice for the "victims", as you put it. That makes sense, and the points you made in your reply were definitely valid. But, the majority (if not all) of us who are writing and responding in the "Other Woman/Man" forum are FULLY AWARE that involvement with a married man/woman is wrong. And what's crazier is that probably most of us have been victims ourselves at one point in time or another.

 

Do we make excuses for our actions? Yes. Are there any good excuses for our actions? No.

 

But are we all stuck in the middle of something that was our "choice" and now we are having to cope with all of the heartache that entails? ABSOLUTELY.

 

We have all made mistakes, and yes, some of our mistakes are bigger than the mistakes made by others. Some of our mistakes have more potential to hurt greater numbers of people. And I would daresay each and every one of us who calls herself "The Other Woman" deals every day with the guilt that is an outcome of those mistakes.

 

We are looking to eachother for support, to have someone else who is IN OUR SHOES, who understands what we are going through, tell us the right thing to do. If you read the various threads, almost every supportive reply from someone who is also "The Other Woman" advocates ending it and getting out. But each of those replies is worded with some gentleness and understanding- the sugar to make that bitter medicine go down.

 

It is these gentle replies that make it easier to find the strength to do what needs to be done. They give us permission to cry, to feel bad. They put their arms around us and say, "You're not the only one, but you can do it. You deserve better."

 

The replies that blast us for being awful people only make us want to hold on even harder to what we have. After all, there is a bitter, unaccepting world out there. Why wouldn't I want to hold on to someone I love and who loves me, even if that love is imperfect?

[kiababy]

Kechara you said it perfectly! I agree with you, I came here because I am in a situation I got into knowingly but can't find the strength or the will to get out of. Yeah - we already know it's wrong - that idea has been beaten into the ground. Something inside of us makes us stay with these men, and we want to know how to cope while we're in this mess, and it sure helps to have others to turn to who know exactly how it feels.

 

Someone who understands that while you're with him or talking to him it's the most wonderful moment of your life. But when you're away from him...you feel like hell.

 

Spock 2 - yeah I guess comparing is not the right word, maybe we set an unrealistic standard - based on qualities the MM seems to have. We do think that they're perfect after all - and every guy should be like him! I actually say those words: "Every man should be exactly like you!! " You're right - men like the chase, breaking up with him is probably the best way to get his interest...if only you hadn't sent that email!!!!! You must let me know if he writes you back, but stay strong and do not initiate contact with him, no matter what, K?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by kiababy

Yeah - we already know it's wrong - that idea has been beaten into the ground. Something inside of us makes us stay with these men, and we want to know how to cope while we're in this mess, and it sure helps to have others to turn to who know exactly how it feels.

 

Well maybe you "other woman" have deeper issues, then. Maybe you should consider seeking professional help, to help you discover why you obviously think so little of yourselves that you're willing to be a married man's "side-dish" or "second choice"...and why you obviously have such little self-love and self-respect that you get involved in the first place.

 

Someone who understands that while you're with him or talking to him it's the most wonderful moment of your life. But when you're away from him...you feel like hell.

 

This only supports my above suggestion to seek professional help, because it's really not a sign of stability to be so emotionally dependant on another human being for your happiness, such that when you're not with them, you "feel like hell." Sounds like some co-dependence, there.

 

As for all you OW getting together in your little cyberspaces, to support and commiserate...does it really prove anything? Or do you all just encourage each other to keep the faith and hold onto your MM as best as you can? I can't say I've ever read a present OW advising a fellow OW something to the effect of "Girl, he's no good, these MM don't deserve us, we deserve better, we need to do the right thing, we need to end things and move on with our life." No, I never read that. Instead, I read reams of posts where OW after OW shares her story and there really never seems to be any sincere desire to do what's right.

 

I rest well at night knowing that when I'm old and gray, I'll be able to look back at my life and know full well that I never disrespected anyone's marriage, that I never was a homewrecker, I never snuck around for meaningless sex with someone's husband, I was never so naive and lacking in self esteem and common sense as to believe that some married pig is really going to leave his wife for me. And I'm proud of that.

[Mr Spock]

KiaBaby I most certainlywill let yoi know what happens. And I promise PROMISE not to initiate any further contact-it seems like we can only be happy when we're busy making ourselves miserable. But you've made some sense to me-no more contact.

 

 

Befuddled-I KNOW I'm bloody awesome. I don't need a man to feel happy, I never WANTED to have feelings. It just happned, and since it's pretty one sided it's payment in itself.

 

What's right Befuddled? If the F***ing has already happened, isn't it right to end the marriage? The vows have been betrayed-there is no unF***ing. Not in my case certainly, because he hasn't been filling my head with BS about love-but many other people here DO have men that are doing that. Is the right thing to go back to a relationship you have already betrayed? What is 'right" when there has been wrong done?

 

Anyways Befuddled, if you have these concerns can you start another thread? I'm looking for a little advice, and I'd appreciate if you didn't junk up my thread I started with arguments.

[kiababy]

Amen to that Spock - we ARE awesome, sexy women and phenomenal lovers. We have no problem getting any man - we just happen to have become involved with men that are already taken.

 

Befuddled: If you haven't been in our shoes and felt what we feel - how can you dare to come on here and judge us, put us down, when we have obviously come here for advice, understanding and the strength that willl eventually help us to walk away?

 

If it is soooo incredibly easy to walk away - why are there so many of us in the same boat? Do you think as little girls we dreamed of having someone else's man????