ditzchic Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I will admit I tend to over-react when it comes to lying. To me, one lie of any type when it comes to a dating situation is one lie too many. I wouldn't really say that I have trust issues, I trust anyone I'm dating to run their own life in s responsible and honest way. I don't ask questions, I don't badger, I tend to trust that when someone says something they are telling the truth. But I tend to run a bit on the naive side and if I figure out someone is lying, deceiving or possibly manipulating me, I tend to get a little flippy. Lying is a once and done kind of thing for me. So here's the story.... I was seeing a guy for about 3 weeks at this time. He went to a family wedding and of course I didn't go because it was too soon to be in that family type of situation. I went out that evening with my own friends. This guy was texting me all night while he was at the wedding, telling me about everything he was doing in detail. I kept telling him to go hang out with his family that I was out with my friends anyway and to have a good time. He still kept texting. At one point he texted me about some girl that was hitting on him. He told me he turned her down and she kept coming back so then he told her that he was with someone and started showing her pictures of me and stuff. I thought that was a little strange since we never had a talk about being exclusive at that point. I figured that was just his weird way of saying that he wanted to be exclusive without having to actually have the talk. I thought it was kind of cute that he did that actually... It gets better though. He texted me after midnight that night to tell me that he was calling a cab to go home. He was really drunk and would get someone to take him back for his car in the morning. I told him to be safe and text me when he got home. Well he was texting me the entire time in the cab. Telling me about what the cabbie said, how funny he was blah blah blah. He even told me how much the cab ride cost him! The next morning he texted me when he woke up about how he was going to pick up his car. So 2 weeks later we are sitting in a bar both pretty inebriated. He tells me he has a confession to make. He never got a cab that night. He drove home (a half hour drive) piss ass drunk. I'm highly irritated by his confession but I was drunk and trying really hard to control myself especially because we are in public. I asked him why he lied and he told me it was because he knew that I had really strong feelings about drunk driving. I asked him why he told me now and he said it was because he felt bad that he lied. He said at the time he didn't really know me that well and didn't know if I was the type of girl that would check up on him and didn't want me to find out and dump him over it. I asked him why he made up such a huge story and he said he just wanted to have all his bases covered. I let it go for the time being but I was thinking about it over the next couple of days. I became increasingly irritated by it. Of course, I'm not cool with the fact that he drove while drunk out of his mind. But this is honestly something I never would have found out. I would have never checked up on him about how he got home. I trusted that he was a smart responsible guy and was probably getting a ride from friends or family or something. I never even would have asked! Well my irritation got the best of me and I called him and flipped out. I told him that I needed time away from him to think about all this. I hate liars and can't be with one and I didn't know if there was anything salvageable left there. He got really irritated by this and wanted to know why I would throw it all away over one mistake. I told him that if he could make up a lie that big when he was wasted out of his mind over something I don't really care about, I would hate to see what he can lie about when he's sober and it's something that's a big deal to me. He immediately took that to the incident with the girl and accused me of accusing him of cheating. I wasn't accusing him of that but the way he jumped to that so quick made me kind of paranoid. I told him at that point it wouldn't even have been cheating. We never talked about exclusivity so whatever he did with that girl was his business and I accept that. He told me that he was really sorry for lying but that I needed to calm down. That just because he pissed me off doesn't mean that I can just flip out and threaten to take a break from him. I feel my asking for time to think was more than justified considering that a lot of girls would just be out the door at that point. I was really trying to work it out as opposed to just leaving like my instinct was telling me but I can't work it out with him until I work it out in my own head. Especially because one lie has always been an absolute deal breaker for me. Was I over-reacting? Was asking for space for a few days too much?
thehead Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 That's a pretty elaborate lie. It shows a propensity. the damage has been done and you don't trust him. I don't blame you. I say cut your losses.
ShannonMI Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I will admit I tend to over-react when it comes to lying. To me, one lie of any type when it comes to a dating situation is one lie too many. I wouldn't really say that I have trust issues, I trust anyone I'm dating to run their own life in s responsible and honest way. I don't ask questions, I don't badger, I tend to trust that when someone says something they are telling the truth. But I tend to run a bit on the naive side and if I figure out someone is lying, deceiving or possibly manipulating me, I tend to get a little flippy. Lying is a once and done kind of thing for me. So here's the story.... I was seeing a guy for about 3 weeks at this time. He went to a family wedding and of course I didn't go because it was too soon to be in that family type of situation. I went out that evening with my own friends. This guy was texting me all night while he was at the wedding, telling me about everything he was doing in detail. I kept telling him to go hang out with his family that I was out with my friends anyway and to have a good time. He still kept texting. At one point he texted me about some girl that was hitting on him. He told me he turned her down and she kept coming back so then he told her that he was with someone and started showing her pictures of me and stuff. I thought that was a little strange since we never had a talk about being exclusive at that point. I figured that was just his weird way of saying that he wanted to be exclusive without having to actually have the talk. I thought it was kind of cute that he did that actually... It gets better though. He texted me after midnight that night to tell me that he was calling a cab to go home. He was really drunk and would get someone to take him back for his car in the morning. I told him to be safe and text me when he got home. Well he was texting me the entire time in the cab. Telling me about what the cabbie said, how funny he was blah blah blah. He even told me how much the cab ride cost him! The next morning he texted me when he woke up about how he was going to pick up his car. So 2 weeks later we are sitting in a bar both pretty inebriated. He tells me he has a confession to make. He never got a cab that night. He drove home (a half hour drive) piss ass drunk. I'm highly irritated by his confession but I was drunk and trying really hard to control myself especially because we are in public. I asked him why he lied and he told me it was because he knew that I had really strong feelings about drunk driving. I asked him why he told me now and he said it was because he felt bad that he lied. He said at the time he didn't really know me that well and didn't know if I was the type of girl that would check up on him and didn't want me to find out and dump him over it. I asked him why he made up such a huge story and he said he just wanted to have all his bases covered. I let it go for the time being but I was thinking about it over the next couple of days. I became increasingly irritated by it. Of course, I'm not cool with the fact that he drove while drunk out of his mind. But this is honestly something I never would have found out. I would have never checked up on him about how he got home. I trusted that he was a smart responsible guy and was probably getting a ride from friends or family or something. I never even would have asked! Well my irritation got the best of me and I called him and flipped out. I told him that I needed time away from him to think about all this. I hate liars and can't be with one and I didn't know if there was anything salvageable left there. He got really irritated by this and wanted to know why I would throw it all away over one mistake. I told him that if he could make up a lie that big when he was wasted out of his mind over something I don't really care about, I would hate to see what he can lie about when he's sober and it's something that's a big deal to me. He immediately took that to the incident with the girl and accused me of accusing him of cheating. I wasn't accusing him of that but the way he jumped to that so quick made me kind of paranoid. I told him at that point it wouldn't even have been cheating. We never talked about exclusivity so whatever he did with that girl was his business and I accept that. He told me that he was really sorry for lying but that I needed to calm down. That just because he pissed me off doesn't mean that I can just flip out and threaten to take a break from him. I feel my asking for time to think was more than justified considering that a lot of girls would just be out the door at that point. I was really trying to work it out as opposed to just leaving like my instinct was telling me but I can't work it out with him until I work it out in my own head. Especially because one lie has always been an absolute deal breaker for me. Was I over-reacting? Was asking for space for a few days too much? I'd be f*cking pissed too. He could have killed himself or someone else. Also was he texting AND driving? You said he was texting about the fake cabbie. What an idiot. Driving drunk is bad enough, but f*cking with his phone while driving drunk is just ridiculous. I wouldn't dump this guy over this, but I think asking for space isn't unreasonable. Let him take the time to think about how foolish he acted and hopefully he will never do it again. There needs to be some consequences for bad actions such a this. He's lucky he didn't get a DWI. I will give him credit for coming clean with you. That was good of him. So yes take some time to let him think about his dumb behavior. Hopefully he won't do it again. Don't break up with him though. I mean what he did was bad, but it's not like he cheated or whatever. Also if you catch him in more lies, end it. No questions asked. Lying once is one thing, but if the dude is making a habit of it, move on. You don't need that sh*t.
make me believe Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 That's a pretty elaborate lie. It shows a propensity. the damage has been done and you don't trust him. I don't blame you. I say cut your losses. I totally agree. If he'd just said "ok I'm going to catch a cab and go home now" and then drove, while I still don't think that lie would be ok it would at least be better than coming up with this huge elaborate story, making up specific details, etc. OP, it's honestly kind of disturbing that he went so far as to make up funny stuff that the cabbie said, tell you how much the cab ride cost, etc. That would seriously make me question his character. I don't think you should give him another chance. 3 weeks in and he's already thrown up a huge red flag and you guys are having drama and talking about "taking a break"? Come on... why are you even wasting your time?
Arabella Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 OP, it's honestly kind of disturbing that he went so far as to make up funny stuff that the cabbie said, tell you how much the cab ride cost, etc. That would seriously make me question his character. I don't think you should give him another chance. I concur with the previous posters. I was with a guy like that once and when I figured out he great level of detail he put into his lies, I just could never trust him again. Still somehow managed to delude myself into a relationship with him, and ended up in a miserable, damaging year and a half that I wish I'd never had, ALL because of his lies. Run and don't look back.
dasein Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 He is a compulsive liar seeing how far he can take it with you. I have seen the exact same pattern in at least two exes, where they are constantly giving you unnecessary details. The way their minds work is that they feel they "earn" a lie for every truth or number of truths they tell, hence when they get into situations when they feel a need to lie may arise, they start communicating lots of little, completely irrelevant truths to you in an odd, compulsive way to work up to the lie they feel will be necessary soon. I'm sure there are people who do this kind of thing without being true compulsive liars also, but I will never ignore or rationalize such again. Waking up one day to the knowledge that you've had a well-constructed web of lies woven around you is no fun, and in one case took me many months to recover.
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