Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 update: so i decided to make it known that i was pissed at his lack of keeping his "promises" ok let me give you a background. He is on vacation. Right now I am in a city 2 hours away from where we both usually live (we live in the capital of where i'm from). He is ORIGINALLY from here where I am at right now. he said: I know I'm sorry. I havent gone home during my vacation as I expected. When you are back in town (the capital) let me know and we'll have a cup of coffee and talk. I saw your pictures of the beach on facebook. That looked like fun. Take care xoxo. I said: talk about what? He said: I'll tell you in person. Let me know when you're back in town. I said: That does not sound like a good idea to me. Did i overrreact? I think its fishy. Why didn't he contact me before? The least he could have done was text me to tell me that he was not coming into town. I wonder how long would have passed if I had not contacted him. I had not heard from him since last friday when he "promised" me he would make plans to see me on sunday. What do you guys think?
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 wow today I was on a roll. the only person i significantly dated this past year who totally used me as a sex-friend while i thought we were dating decided to contact me today. randomly. I always knew this would happen and I was ready for what I wanted to say. He said: Hi. I havent heard from you in a long time. I hope your pediatrics rotation is going well. Lots of hugs. Seriously. The nerve. The last time i talked to him I told him I needed "space". I have had enough space to know this guy treated me so poorly! I replied: "Hey, how is brownies girl (his girlfriend who he was getting back with behind my back while he was still sleeping with me. We never talked about the fact that he was back with her but mutual friends have confirmed it. He denied it all the way and said the brownies she sent him on her birthday were from a "friend". yes, I know, I was a doormat, hence the therapy and assertiveness training). If you have not heard from me it is because I have absolutely nothing good to say to you. I hope all is well. Bye. " I think i'm turning into a bitch. I'm just so angry. I'm tired of people using me.
Nexus One Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I'm not entirely sure I understand the issue. Why? Because when I hear a woman use the term "casual dating", then I think she just wants to have sex with the guy and nothing more, because she's not interested in him beyond the sex. OR maybe she's secretly hoping for more, but never communicated that to the guy. In the latter case the guy really thinks it's just about the sex, but she wants more. So if you're getting the sex, why do you also need bonding time beyond that? Because, weren't you guys just casually dating? Unless of course...you want more. But if you want more...then why the hell are you casually dating him? That term in my opinion is pretty much equal to NSA sex. Edited December 13, 2011 by Nexus One
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I'm sorry maybe i did not clarify things. This person was someone i dated a few months ago. I wanted something serious, he didn't and it took me a while to realize it. I am never up for "casual". or No strings attached.
Nexus One Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 (edited) I'm sorry maybe i did not clarify things. This person was someone i dated a few months ago. I wanted something serious, he didn't and it took me a while to realize it. I am never up for "casual". or No strings attached. So let me get this straight. You were seriously dating him, but he wasn't seriously dating you. You figured that out and as you're not into casual dating you don't want to casually date him, but regardless you ARE casually dating him. He doesn't want anything serious and he acts the part, but you want bonding time, even though you know he doesn't want anything serious. OWKAY. It is confusing to say the least. And then I'm referring to your behavior in this. a) Why are you dating him when you DO want something serious with him, yet you know he doesn't. b) Why are you casually dating, when you don't want to casually date? c) Why do you want him to fulfill his promises for bonding time, when the agreement is that you're casually dating? d) Why are you dating a guy that deceived you he was seriously dating you? Because that's what you initially thought. I'll tell you why I think you do. You want more, even though he has clearly indicated to you that he doesn't. In the hopes for more you kept dating him and it turned into an agreed casual dating situation. This isn't about assertiveness, this about making him act like he's seriously dating you, when he has said he's not. So you were initially under the impression that he was seriously dating you, but after a while you "figured out" that he wasn't seriously dating you. So he deceived you...yet you keep dating a man that deceived you and uses you for sex, in the hopes for more. I don't think it's your fault, there was probably some major communication dissonance here and probably some deception on his side. My gut feeling it's a result of "waiting for exclusivity". I very much dislike that whole style of dating...as it's designed and used for deception. Edited December 13, 2011 by Nexus One
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I'm sorry if I confused you. I am talking about 2 different people. Person A: the guy who i dated who i wanted something serious but he didnt. He is the only person I have really dated beyond 1-2 dates since I broke up with my last serious boyfriend a year ago. He strung me along all summer but i basically let him. I kept thinking he would realize what a catch i was. I stopped talking to him a few months ago and out of nowhere today he popped up. And that is why I answered the way I did. Person B: He is someone I met like 1 month ago. We only went out 3 times, nothing physical, I am all about getting to know people and taking it extremely slow to see what they are made of. He became really flaky so I decided to confront him today about his fake promises. It was just a coincidence that person A also decided to pop up today. I am trying to apply what I learned from person A to any other person who will come my way since this is the first time that i am really single in my adult life. Person B insists on meeting me over coffee so he can "explain". ugh. not interested.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 you guys no one told me what they think!
Ilovewater Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Person B insists on meeting me over coffee so he can "explain". How can there be a reasonable explanation for flaking on you so many times? This guy has already shown you who he is. I wouldn't even give this guy another chance. You seem to be a great girl, and I'm sure you have many options. Ditch this one. He's not worth your time.
betterdeal Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 you guys no one told me what they think! Person A is no good for you. Person B is a muppet. I think he's probably nervous or has ants in his pants (or both). If you're not interested, this next bit is academic but, rather than an explanation from him, a change in his behaviour is more desirable. And the most likely way to bring about that change is to explain what you want e.g. I'd rather you took a moment before you suggested or said we are going to do something and think it through. One thing done well is better than ten not done at all. I need someone I can rely on, someone whose word means something. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. The trick is to make it make it thirsty.
thatone Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I am trying to apply what I learned from person A to any other person who will come my way since this is the first time that i am really single in my adult life. and therein lies the problem. the fact is you don't know anything about these men. applying a judgement from one on to the other is a sure fire way to lose the occasional good one you find, though, lots of persistently single women do just that. because any man who sees you judging him for things he hasn't done will know in a split second that you are trying to compare him to some other guy you dated and he'll be gone before you get done with the words you're saying. so here's the thing, you need to relax. not every guy you meet is going to be a long term relationship. in fact the vast majority of them won't be. it works the same way for men too. when you stop applying all of these expectations to every man you meet, you'll stop being so disappointed when one doesn't work out.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 14, 2011 Author Posted December 14, 2011 i did know person A. we dated for 4 months. It was casual but i always hoped it would be more. and i thought i was judging guy B for something he did do. he did flake on me. he did "promise" things he didnt keep. But ill take your advice into consideration
ThaWholigan Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 I think some men could also do with some lessons on being assertive. They might find their lives (both dating and in general) easier. I know since I have been working on this, I have had a much more rewarding social life and have got better at communicating with girls. I'm getting to a better level....
thatone Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 i did know person A. we dated for 4 months. It was casual but i always hoped it would be more. and i thought i was judging guy B for something he did do. he did flake on me. he did "promise" things he didnt keep. But ill take your advice into consideration so you know that A really did want casual (which he was honest about, in fairness) and B is a flake. neither of them are long term prospects. if you had honestly considered that and just sent them on their way before sleeping with A then you'd have a clear head when you meet C. but you didn't, so you won't. you'll compare C to A physically/sexually all the time. and when C finds that out, whoever C is, C will be gone and on to the next girl. so at this point C is probably gonna wash out too, even though you don't even know who C is yet. see, it's like doubling down on every hand at blackjack. eventually you're so far in the red that there aren't enough hands left to get back to where you started from, even if you won them all, never mind get ahead.
dasein Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 (switch on lecture mode) Aren't you the med student with the pretty hair thread? Why are you worrying about finding "the one" when you have a residency ahead? Don't date seriously until you get past that, flings fine, relationship, no. Sorry if I have confused you with another poster (end lecture mode)
carhill Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 You might have her confused with someone else...... Here she is after the new hairdo she sought advice for. She was a brunette considering going blonde but decided against. You commented in that thread positively.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 i see your point about the ABC thing and I will keep that in mind. Obviously sleeping with A was a huge mistake. I know that now. He was the 2nd person I slept with so it was a huge deal to me. And he is a classmate. I live in awkward and uncomfortable city. Seriously people don't poop where you eat. I will take your advice and chill and not worry about getting with anyone until residency but the truth is in my heart I do long for someone. I have had a really rough year and its hard not to get disheartened. I see other people who are happy and in love and I remember that I had this once, and I lost it, and it kills me to know it might be a long bumpy road until I find it again. I know that I need to let go of this but its easier said than done. I am working on it, going to therapy, etc. I will try and be patient and believe that when I am in residency it will all work out somehow. Especially when I change settings, move to a different place, meet new people. I made really bad mistakes in the past but deep inside I am a really good girl. I learned from the things that I did that were wrong and am trying with all of my heart to move on. I don't play games, I am sweet, smart and genuine and I really hope this will pay off someday. If there are people who play games, cheat and never come clean and keep doing it over and over, and use people for ego boosts and they have relationships and people who they like and like them back then there is no reason why I would not deserve it.
Ilovewater Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 (switch on lecture mode) Aren't you the med student with the pretty hair thread? Why are you worrying about finding "the one" when you have a residency ahead? Don't date seriously until you get past that, flings fine, relationship, no. Sorry if I have confused you with another poster (end lecture mode) Being in med school doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. A lot of people in med school are dating seriously, engaged, or married. Depends on which specialty she wants to pursue, residency can be as long as another 7 years. Waiting until then would be a long time. OP, you should continue to date if that's what you want to do. However, weed out the bad prospects quickly and don't let them take advantage of you. For instance, if the next guy you date flakes out on you, call him out on it and move on. Don't let them string you on along. That will get exhausting quickly. Don't be afraid to let these bad guys go. Don't be with them for the sake of being with someone. I hope things pick up for you soon!
dasein Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Being in med school doesn't mean you have to put your life on hold. A lot of people in med school are dating seriously, engaged, or married. Depends on which specialty she wants to pursue, residency can be as long as another 7 years. Waiting until then would be a long time. I see your point, but was mainly referring to OP's worries in the thread about finding "the one," whether these two would be her last best chances (they won't OP), not as much dating generally or having something of a normal social life. Where residency was concerned, was talking about the first year or two of hazing type super ridiculous workload, not that it gets all that much better in later years, but some better.
Ilovewater Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 I see your point, but was mainly referring to OP's worries in the thread about finding "the one," whether these two would be her last best chances (they won't OP), not as much dating generally or having something of a normal social life. Where residency was concerned, was talking about the first year or two of hazing type super ridiculous workload, not that it gets all that much better in later years, but some better. Agreed. They are definitely not your last best chances! Also, you shouldn't worry so much about finding "the one". When you become so worried that you'll never find anyone, you might end up just settling for someone who isn't any good for you.
dispatch3d Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 just ask him what was going on the next time he does it. Like he makes a plan, then flakes on it, ask him why he flaked.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 15, 2011 Author Posted December 15, 2011 Its not going to happen I already agreed on not giving him another chance. He asked me to get coffee with him during the weekend so he could "explain" why he started being flaky. I told him i did not think it was a good idea. He did not insist much either. I just didn't think it is worth it. I'm tired of this crap and I think I have way too many issues to deal with dating even if it is casually. As I said, every idiot I meet just makes me miss my ex boyfriend more and realize that I completely screwed up and will never have that again. And we've been broken up for a year and he's completely out of the picture so its not even that recent. I cry all the time. Maybe I just need to take the time to be able to go a whole week without crying about my ex before I consider dating because I feel like every disappointment is just like adding salt to the wound and that is not the way it is supposed to be. I hope that does happen eventually. A year later and lots of therapy and the pain is still very, very real.
betterdeal Posted December 15, 2011 Posted December 15, 2011 Don't be sad it's over - be happy it happened
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 20, 2011 Author Posted December 20, 2011 you guys were right. and i was right too. the guy ended up having some sort of girl hes dating. meh who cares. I put myself together and in like 3 days like 5 different guys suddenly lined up wanting to date me/get to know me. Including the ballsiest thing that anyone has ever done to me: a guy in my building put a note in my door saying he wanted to get to know me because hes seen me and thinks I'm pretty and telling me where he lives. He said he knocked but i didnt hear it. That was pretty flattering. anyway I guess I should just chill more. Apparently that makes me attractive I will try to think of this high of feeling confident and attractive whenever I feel low about a stupid guy standing me up.
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