eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hi guys. I have realized I have problems with being assertive and my therapist and I are working on it. I still find it hard to be assertive with men. I feel like there is a thin line between being assertive and being pushy/needy. For example: As I have mentioned before, I have gone out 3 times with this guy who seems great but I have noticed several red flags. It is obviously friendly/casual but he will text me these little messages telling me how beautiful I am and whenever we go out he will say a bunch of things that we are "going to do". LIke yeah lets watch this movie yeah lets go to the beach next week yeah lets go eat. And it never happens. He never follows through, sometimes he cancels. He usually makes last minute plans when they actually happen. He also says he will call and hardly ever does. And then he'll pop up like its nothing. I know it is casual and we are getting to know each other but i really, really don't appreciate flakiness. LIke its one of my huge pet peeves. And Its obvious hes not that into me so it bothers me that I feel like hes trying to string me along or keep me "warm" by sending me these little texts and making these plans that 75% of the time he does not follow through. How should I go about this? Should I flat out ignore him? Should I let him know I am no longer interested? Should I tell him his flakiness bothers me? Should I still give him a chance because we only went on 3 dates and it was not serious at all? We never even kissed. We held hands once. He sort of initiated somthing that seemed like it would be a kiss but I was not feeling it. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I save my kisses for people who take me on real dates and show solid interest not last minute lunches. When I first met him he seemed really great. We have alot in common and I thought we had good chemistry. We talked for like 4 hours and it was amazing! So this is a real letdown and I dont know if im "rushing" by already shutting him out because of his lack of interest. Some people tell me I expect too much too soon but at the same time by giving people "chances" I have been strung along for too long! I don't know what is the assertive way of going about this
daphne Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Personally, I would let him know the next time he asks me out that I don't think we're compatible. Let him draw his own conclusions. It's infrequent that I'll give in to a q&a session about how someone I'm rejecting romantically was inappropriate or a flake. It's not your job to help him figure out what he's doing wrong. I really don't believe there is a thin line between being assertive and being pushy/needy if you know the difference between the motives. Being assertive is establishing healthy boundaries and letting someone know what your needs are. Being needy looks more like a spoiled, selfish, demanding baby.
spice4life Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hi guys. I have realized I have problems with being assertive and my therapist and I are working on it. I still find it hard to be assertive with men. I feel like there is a thin line between being assertive and being pushy/needy. For example: As I have mentioned before, I have gone out 3 times with this guy who seems great but I have noticed several red flags. It is obviously friendly/casual but he will text me these little messages telling me how beautiful I am and whenever we go out he will say a bunch of things that we are "going to do". LIke yeah lets watch this movie yeah lets go to the beach next week yeah lets go eat. And it never happens. He never follows through, sometimes he cancels. He usually makes last minute plans when they actually happen. He also says he will call and hardly ever does. And then he'll pop up like its nothing. I know it is casual and we are getting to know each other but i really, really don't appreciate flakiness. LIke its one of my huge pet peeves. And Its obvious hes not that into me so it bothers me that I feel like hes trying to string me along or keep me "warm" by sending me these little texts and making these plans that 75% of the time he does not follow through. How should I go about this? Should I flat out ignore him? Should I let him know I am no longer interested? Should I tell him his flakiness bothers me? Should I still give him a chance because we only went on 3 dates and it was not serious at all? We never even kissed. We held hands once. He sort of initiated somthing that seemed like it would be a kiss but I was not feeling it. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I save my kisses for people who take me on real dates and show solid interest not last minute lunches. When I first met him he seemed really great. We have alot in common and I thought we had good chemistry. We talked for like 4 hours and it was amazing! So this is a real letdown and I dont know if im "rushing" by already shutting him out because of his lack of interest. Some people tell me I expect too much too soon but at the same time by giving people "chances" I have been strung along for too long! I don't know what is the assertive way of going about this The guy is showing you who he is and how much he is actually interested by making plans and not following through. Actions speak louder than words. I would ignore and move on. Why stick with someone who you already view as flakey right? It's your life and your choice....you don't have to settle for less than what you want.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 so I should just say "look, you are nice but i dont think we are compatible" is that maybe too premature? What if he says : you know i thought we were hanging out as friends? Ive been told i take things to seriously too soon.
spice4life Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) so I should just say "look, you are nice but i dont think we are compatible" is that maybe too premature? What if he says : you know i thought we were hanging out as friends? Ive been told i take things to seriously too soon. I think that's reasonable and assertive too. It's not premature because the guy is showing you who he is by making plans and not following through. You don't have to "fix" his problems, that is his job. He will learn eventually that women aren't going to stick around if he makes promises he doesn't keep. If he mentions he thought you were hanging out as friends, it's up to you whether or not that works for you. At the very least, it will establish clear boundaries and you don't have to worry about viewing him as a dating prospect. Edited December 11, 2011 by spice4life
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Well last I heard from him he told me he would call me Friday night which he didnt and he "promised" (yes, he used the word promise because I already confronted him about his flakiness once) that he would see me Sunday. I'll let you know how that goes but I'm going to do what you said.
betterdeal Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I think you've done the 80% by identifying the thing that is his that you find annoying. Now what is assertiveness? Well, to assert is to say, or to express something. So saying to him you find this aspect of him annoying is asserting your feelings and what engenders them. Take it from there.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Ok I'll keep this in mind but part of me thinks he is not even going to answer.
dasein Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Personally, I would let him know the next time he asks me out that I don't think we're compatible. Let him draw his own conclusions. It's infrequent that I'll give in to a q&a session about how someone I'm rejecting romantically was inappropriate or a flake. It's not your job to help him figure out what he's doing wrong. Agree with this and suggest being even more vague, "this isn't working for me," or "I'm not interested in continuing." If he is rude and asks for lots of "reasons" just repeat "Sorry I'm not feeling it" and terminate the talk ASAP.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 will this really be OK? Do you really think that I will find someone later on who will show more interest and who I am interested in? Every situation like this I come across I become more sure that i wont.
O'Malley Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 (edited) Do you really think that I will find someone later on who will show more interest and who I am interested in? Every situation like this I come across I become more sure that i wont. I think that when you encounter someone where there is mutual desire and pursuit, you'll notice the significant difference in your interactions. There will be none of the ambiguity or vagueness about contact or how things are progressing that you've been encountering with this guy. The best rule of thumb is to not make someone a priority in your thoughts or you life who has consistently treated you as an option. If this guy does contact you, and given his past behavior he likely will pop up on your radar again at some point, just let him know that you've moved on. No apologies or the need to explain in detail. Edited December 11, 2011 by O'Malley
MGD3 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Boring guy versus fun guy. Some women are always attracted to hardship and challenge not ease and reliability. SMH
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 How do you know? This guy seemed really nice at first. He's not even that good looking. I thought he was one of the "nice" guys.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 I've been to starbucks twice with this guy so hey im giving the guy im not really feeling who is possibly gay but is really nice a chance. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t309521/
Pizzaman81 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 will this really be OK? Do you really think that I will find someone later on who will show more interest and who I am interested in? Every situation like this I come across I become more sure that i wont. Everytime I feel like this is the end of the line... life proves to me it is not. You will find the person!
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 Thanks I hope so Just trying to focus on school friends family and myself and trusting in God. I dont really have an option. And kicking the a-holes to the curb
GivenUp0083 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Dear Eleanorhurting, First I just want to say it's nice to hear about a young woman taking initiative and being assertive. I personally am really appreciative and attracted to women who are assertive. I wish I met more women like yourself but they're hard to find. As for the flake out guy: I've run into this in the past with women accepting a date but then later cancelling, or saying "maybe, call me on x day to confirm". I would usually just say to these women "well how about you let me know when your schedule becomes more flexible" and then I treat it as if I'm moving on. Usually I never hear from them again because if they really were interested in me, they'd make time to see me. Since this guy is asking you out then cancelling. I would just focus on finding someone else. If he calls and asks you out again saying "hey, we should do something on x day" just say "oh, I have plans that night, I'm having dinner with someone". Just be vague about it. Don't say you have date, don't say it's with a friend or family member, just leave it open to his imagination. Afterall, it's none of his business who you are having dinner with, and he's a big flake anyway and had his chance and blew it Keep up the good work. I'm sure being an assertive woman you'll see a much better success rate than a man would (we're forced to be assertive to meet girls, and 90% of the time we'll be rejected or called creepy).
snug.bunny Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 A good rule of thumb to follow is, when the timing is right and the two are compatible, things tend to fall into place. His "not following through" and/or repeated cancelling of plans is demonstrating to you, unreliable behavior. I said it before in another post, that when/if things like this happen, pull back on your expectations. Because what is essentially happening, is a building of expectations, and then deflating. Don't let that happen. That is your boundary to draw, and thus being assertive. Being assertive also includes, speaking up if/when someone disrespects the boundary that is drawn and communicated to the other person. When I've drawn boundaries for myself in the past and someone has overstepped it, my reaction to it, was not pretty. How I try to handle it now in my life and in general, is fuel down my emotional response and/or refrain from engaging. It also includes learning how to be a bit stoic. I won't ever be 100% successful, but, I try to be a bit more aware of it. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy and I feel a bit "pooped" out by it, but I still feel intact afterwards, whereas in the past, I haven't. He seems more of a "last minute" planner, and does follow through to an extent, so something to take into consideration that could very well just be a part of his personality. It doesn't make for a consistent basis in terms of a relationship developing, you sound as though you need something a bit more concrete which is perfectly acceptable and reasonable.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 12, 2011 Author Posted December 12, 2011 thanks for the advice I havent heard from him but I'm pretty sure i'm just going to ignore him if he contacts me again. Sometimes silence is the best thing you can say
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 still havent heard from him! the nerve. i wish i could say something
orion1010 Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Hi guys. I have realized I have problems with being assertive and my therapist and I are working on it. I still find it hard to be assertive with men. I feel like there is a thin line between being assertive and being pushy/needy. For example: As I have mentioned before, I have gone out 3 times with this guy who seems great but I have noticed several red flags. It is obviously friendly/casual but he will text me these little messages telling me how beautiful I am and whenever we go out he will say a bunch of things that we are "going to do". LIke yeah lets watch this movie yeah lets go to the beach next week yeah lets go eat. And it never happens. He never follows through, sometimes he cancels. He usually makes last minute plans when they actually happen. He also says he will call and hardly ever does. And then he'll pop up like its nothing. I know it is casual and we are getting to know each other but i really, really don't appreciate flakiness. LIke its one of my huge pet peeves. And Its obvious hes not that into me so it bothers me that I feel like hes trying to string me along or keep me "warm" by sending me these little texts and making these plans that 75% of the time he does not follow through. How should I go about this? Should I flat out ignore him? Should I let him know I am no longer interested? Should I tell him his flakiness bothers me? Should I still give him a chance because we only went on 3 dates and it was not serious at all? We never even kissed. We held hands once. He sort of initiated somthing that seemed like it would be a kiss but I was not feeling it. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I save my kisses for people who take me on real dates and show solid interest not last minute lunches. When I first met him he seemed really great. We have alot in common and I thought we had good chemistry. We talked for like 4 hours and it was amazing! So this is a real letdown and I dont know if im "rushing" by already shutting him out because of his lack of interest. Some people tell me I expect too much too soon but at the same time by giving people "chances" I have been strung along for too long! I don't know what is the assertive way of going about this haha.. i wish i could be a little less assertive. I should post you my text msgs of me calling out that fake hockey player in my post about people lying about who they are. I'm probably a little too assertive. LOL.. I would really speak my mind in a "matter of fact way" and let him know that his behaviour is rude and you could be making solid plans with other friends because you're busy and days off of work are few and far between and you want to make the most of your time off. So being a "flake" or whatever nice word you want to use is not going to be tolerated.
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 I'm growing increasingly frustrated. Maybe my standards are too high?
Author eleanorhurting Posted December 13, 2011 Author Posted December 13, 2011 maybe its because my tv set just broke down i tend to get lonely and desperate when that happens
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