Coping Journal, starting 6 months late.

[moontiger]

After he left the first time, I met someone new. I could tell he really liked me, but I held back. I wasn't ready. And then I gave the previous guy a second chance when he came back. That lasted a short month and after he left again, the new guy contacted me to say he missed seeing me out. I had missed him too, and realized I made a poor choice. I was honest with him about everything, and he said that it was probably for the best that I gave the other guy a second chance because now I won't ever wonder whether I should have. I didn't expect that response, and I certainly didn't expect him to still be interested in me after I chose someone over him. But, it's been 6 weeks and things are slowly moving along with us.

 

Wait a sec...SG, I read this and was really excited. Then I had a thought--I wondered if "new guy" is that guy who is still married to the bisexual woman he is roommates with.

 

If it is that guy, I am kind of afraid you are about to say how normal he *really* is and how he was just taken advantage of by his ex-wife, and how the fact that it didn't occur to him to get divorced until you suggested it isn't his fault at all--or that everyone has some baggage and a relationship is a calculated risk, etc.

 

Obviously, take my words with a grain of salt. But you've mentioned that you have a pattern of choosing the wrong men. You've also mentioned that you want to find a stable relationship that leads to marriage. If those are your goals, dating someone in the life situation that guy was in is a very high risk way to get there...even if he is a good guy. (Same thing with the last guy. No matter how awesome a person he was, some people are not in an emotional position or life situation to be good partners.)

 

I think I've said things along these lines before, but there is risk and there is risk. If you want to get from Point A to Point B, there is getting in your car and buckling your seat belt, which involves some risk. There is also getting on a motorbike without a helmet or protective gear or motorcycle safety training. You may get to Point B anyway--but the odds are low, and the cost can be very, very high. The heart can be as badly injured as any other organ, and I have come to believe it is as important to avoid gratuitous emotional risk as gratuitous physical risk--over time injuries to the heart also add up, especially if you do not allow each one time to heal.

 

There are many normal, stable men out there...however, generally in my experience it takes a few months and a lot of effort to find one. And also, you need to stay single long enough to do it.

 

Just my $0.02.

Edited April 17, 2012 by moontiger

[ScienceGal]

Wait a sec...SG, I read this and was really excited. Then I had a thought--I wondered if "new guy" is that guy who is still married to the bisexual woman he is roommates with.

 

If it is that guy, I am kind of afraid you are about to say how normal he *really* is and how he was just taken advantage of by his ex-wife, and how the fact that it didn't occur to him to get divorced until you suggested it isn't his fault at all--or that everyone has some baggage and a relationship is a calculated risk, etc.

 

Obviously, take my words with a grain of salt. But you've mentioned that you have a pattern of choosing the wrong men. You've also mentioned that you want to find a stable relationship that leads to marriage. If those are your goals, dating someone in the life situation that guy was in is a very high risk way to get there...even if he is a good guy. (Same thing with the last guy. No matter how awesome a person he was, some people are not in an emotional position or life situation to be good partners.)

 

I think I've said things along these lines before, but there is risk and there is risk. If you want to get from Point A to Point B, there is getting in your car and buckling your seat belt, which involves some risk. There is also getting on a motorbike without a helmet or protective gear or motorcycle safety training. You may get to Point B anyway--but the odds are low, and the cost can be very, very high. The heart can be as badly injured as any other organ, and I have come to believe it is as important to avoid gratuitous emotional risk as gratuitous physical risk--over time injuries to the heart also add up, especially if you do not allow each one time to heal.

 

There are many normal, stable men out there...however, generally in my experience it takes a few months and a lot of effort to find one. And also, you need to stay single long enough to do it.

 

Just my $0.02.

 

After reading your previous message, I knew you hadn't made the connection that this was married guy. I'm actually surprised and impressed that you did.

 

For starters, he is divorced now (and I did see the paperwork). It is still strange that he lives with her and a few other people, but I do understand why. He was left by a roomate with a rent that he couldn't afford alone and she and the other household members offered to let him move in. Their relationship had been over for a long time. Even so, it certainly isn't an ideal situation for a man who wants to start a relationship; but that's just it, he wasn't looking to meet anyone. He hadn't had a girlfriend in a few years and was just dealing with his living situation. And then I showed up, loud-mouthed and uncompromising. I am not making excuses, and especially for the marriage thing, but it just seems to me that he really wasn't expecting to meet someone and when he did, well... he felt unprepared.

 

In terms of calculating risk, all I can do is stay aware and really embrace how I feel (inlcuding my "gut"). He treats me well, all the time. There literally hasn't been even one time that I've been upset by something he's said or done to me. He likes to have things dealt with and clarified (rather than "stuffing" things), but not like the last guy who would keep me up until 3 am discussing how my actions were affecting him. He listens to me and remembers what I say. He genuinely cares, and I don't feel like that is hinged on whether I say or do certain things. I just keep telling myself how nice it is that things are simpler. I identified this need, and perhaps you even used that word too... I need simpler.

 

But of course, there is still the little part in the back of my mind that doesn't like his living arrangement, that doesn't like the fact that he didn't get divorced a long time ago, that doesn't like the fact he is still friends with the ex. I wonder how he really feels about her, and how she really feels about him (especially considering she enjoys open relationships). I wonder what she really thinks about me.. ok, I actually don't "care" what she thinks of me, but I'm curious. For some reason these things aren't nagging me enough to make me run away though. I think it's because everything else is so good. I picture him moving on from this part of his life, whether I'm involved or not. I've just got to embrace it and see where it goes.

 

I've grown so much over the past year and I am proud of myself for not givng the last guy a third chance. On paper, he is great husband material, and this did cross my mind as I was reading his emails. But, in real life he was a mess and I was constantly in the path of a tornado. The current guy is perhaps not as good on paper, but the reality is that he is a better suited partner for me. The difference in how I feel and how I carry myself is startling. I have restored faith, and though he might end up not being the one for me, at least I've stopped tolerating a man who makes me feel any less than wonderful.

 

I hope you are doing well, MT. Thank you for keeping in touch!

Edited April 17, 2012 by ScienceGal