Coping Journal, starting 6 months late.

[ScienceGal]

I really know what you mean, because it's the same for me. I've been NC for less than month now, but I have already come to the same conclusion. I loved her very much, but I was compromising because I didn't want to give up the dream of building a family and having kids. That was probably the most important thing to me (and still is).

Going out and see all the others already settled it's very depressing, I hate that.

 

Swann, I feel as though I still have time to find someone who is right for me. (I hope you feel the same way too!) I just don't know how to ensure I am making the right choices. How do I know if I am settling or actually passing a good thing by? Doesn't everyone settle to a certain extent? The real problem is lack of certainty. With each man I meet I try to play it out in my mind. How will this decision affect me? Will I be happy, or depressed? Will I be in a long term relationship or end up alone again? Of course no one has these answers. Its about making the best possible decision with the information at hand. I just feel so scrambled that I don't even know what's good for me right now. After the new year I am going to try for a little r&r and hopefully get back into therapy to sort through my relationship woes.

 

Good luck and a happy new year to you.

[choppedkittens]

I am concerned that you are going to settle. You sound sort of desperate right now. I understand where the desperation comes from but you just have to not indulge the fear. Because if you make a decision on somebody from a place of weakness, it will probably be a bad decision. Do you want to have kids and if so would you consider adopting? If you would, that relieves some of the pressure.

 

In regards to how you will know if you're settling or not..you'll just know. Believe me. When you find the right person it will be very obvious.

[swann]

Sciencegal, of course you still have time. But it seems to me that you are not fully healed yet. If you have so many doubts and questions you are probably trying to force yourself to replace your ex with somebody else, no matter who he is, and this will never work unfortunately. Do you still have feelings for him? Or you are definitely over him? As Choppedkittens has said, the relationship flows very naturally when you meet the right person.

I also tend to play it out in my mind, when I meet a new girl, making assumptions about the big picture when I actually don't know anything about her. I've made a lot of mistakes behaving this way .

 

Let's give some more time to the healing process, the therapy is a very good idea from this point of view.

Good luck for the new year, who knows what's waiting for you in 2012.

[ScienceGal]

I am concerned that you are going to settle. You sound sort of desperate right now. I understand where the desperation comes from but you just have to not indulge the fear. Because if you make a decision on somebody from a place of weakness, it will probably be a bad decision. Do you want to have kids and if so would you consider adopting? If you would, that relieves some of the pressure.

 

In regards to how you will know if you're settling or not..you'll just know. Believe me. When you find the right person it will be very obvious.

 

Thanks for the input CK. I have not considered adopting, but I might later in life. I am only 30, so I am not giving up on having my own child just yet.

 

I know the best thing is to just cool it for a while. As lonely as it may be, at least being single provides some stability and predictability. I won't experience the stess and anxiety that comes with a new relationship. Being alone should help progress my healing and increase the likelihood of finding and maintaining a healthy relationship in the future.

 

Knowing what I should do, and actually being strict enough with myself "in the moment" are two very different things though. I just read your other post "Don't settle". Very happy for you

Edited December 23, 2011 by ScienceGal

[choppedkittens]

Thanks for the input CK. I have not considered adopting, but I might later in life. I am only 30, so I am not giving up on having my own child just yet.

 

I know the best thing is to just cool it for a while. As lonely as it may be, at least being single provides some stability and predictability. I won't experience the stess and anxiety that comes with a new relationship. Being alone should help progress my healing and increase the likelihood of finding and maintaining a healthy relationship in the future.

 

Knowing what I should do, and actually being strict enough with myself "in the moment" are two very different things though. I just read your other post "Don't settle". Very happy for you

 

My bad -- I thought you were 33. You're young. Don't freak out yet.

 

Mind if I ask how you've been meeting guys? You might consider being more strategic. I met my current boyfriend in a common interest forum.

 

Every previous boyfriend I met in person first. But I doubt I would have ever met somebody so well matched in real life, or at least not in the common ways (through mutual friends, bars, parties, singles groups). If there isn't something specific in common that brings us together, I've found that the more I get to know them the more differences between us I discover.

 

So my question is what are you passionate about? Whatever it is, I would suggest joining some message boards that cater to that passion (seriously). And also look for meetup groups related to it. Then be proactive about prowling for guys but be picky.

 

This is kind of what I did. I joined a message board related to an interest of mine. I wasn't specifically looking for a boyfriend on the site but I did notice that there were some hot, smart guys. I noticed one in particular who was really, really smart and seemed to have a lot in common with me based on his posts on the board. He also had a very cute picture. Just when I was thinking about messaging him, he beat me to the punch and left me a line that he really enjoyed reading my posts. He also asked me a question. This led to a couple of private messages and from there I suggested we talk on aim specifically because I was interested in him and wanted to get to know him better. After getting to know each other online we met in person...etc.

[ScienceGal]

I have never been one to date. I usually meet a man, and unless I am immediately turned off, it has often turned into a relationship. I've had 3 major relationships, 2-3.5 years each, so that's a decade of my life. This year everything was different. I had a six month relationship that ended terribly (and brought me to LS), and then a 3 month relationship that did not end terribly, but I am still upset about.

 

After my last LTR I took some time to be alone and reflect on where I've been and where I am going. So the difference this year is that I have learned more about what I want, and I am vocal about it. I won't tolerate differences that hurt me, or make me uncomforatble. I certainly speak up for myself more than I used to. So, I suppose I am just getting into the "dating" realm and am not used to it like some people might be. I better buckle up for the ride and be ready for future "dates" to not turn into relationships.

 

I need my partner to be:

a non-smoker

active, or have a strong desire to get active (e.g. walking, hiking)

considerate/kind/loving, etc.

honest/trustworthy

have goals/amitions/defined wants in life

someone I can respect overall and be proud to be with

 

That's really all I need. Most of those are "givens" but getting it written down helps. The specifics of extracurriculars aren't as important to me. But, I can't just use that carefree attitude to get googly-eyed over a nice smile and the prospects of a warm body and bed.

 

Dear Santa, Please bring me some patience for Christmas!

[ScienceGal]

I drove by ex's apartment today, as I often do since he lives on a main street. I saw his car in the parking lot and his girlfriend's car. I see she's still parking on the street, I guess he didn't give her a parking pass yet. He gave me one within a couple months. And keys to the building. I wonder if she has keys. I wonder if he cooked her the same meal that he cooked me last year. Probably not, since he cooked what he knew to be my favorite dish.

 

I am dating someone new who is emotionally damaged. It's not everything I want, but it's not everything I don't. What's interesting is that I know he is this way because we have talked about it in detail. Ex is emotionally wrecked too, but we never talked about it, he never wanted to talk about anything. It took having our relationship end as cruelly and horribly as it did for me to see his issues. And once I was past my own pain, I saw that his actions were a reflection of his own pain. But, everyone carries pain. I certainly do. The separation is that I want and am ready for something better.

 

I am thinking about my life and how I can find someone to share the same kind of love that I do. I look at all of the people I know, their imperfections and flaws, their carelessness and meanness, their beauty and kindness. I look at the faces of those who love them. The dynamic of couples. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with trying to calculate the odds that I will meet someone who is more good than bad, more inspired to move forward than shackled and damaged. It's an impossible calculation, but I still struggle to solve it.

 

I wanted a Valentine today, just as I want one everyday. I wanted a back rub, a kiss, and some wine. I want someone to hug me after I kick my shoes off in the entryway. I wanted dinner cooked for me. I wanted a genuine smile. I wanted someone to care about me just a little more than I care about them, just for a few moments.

 

I am grateful that I get to go to sleep warm and well fed. I am happy everyone that I love is well. I am most thankful that my heart is still beating and still wild and alive.

 

Happy Valentine's Day.

Edited February 15, 2012 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

I feel sad today. I miss the feeling of loving and being loved.

[ScienceGal]

Well, there goes my appetite. Ex new guy just broke up with me again for the third time (second time in 5 days). I feel like an idiot. I wanted to be there for him during his stressful time, I wanted to work through things. He doesn't think it's fair to stay with me when he is such a mess. I think he wants to be single when he's away on vacation so he can sleep with someone else. I have absolutely no reason for thinking this, I am just upset and my mind is racing. I honestly think the problem is his feelings for me aren't strong enough, and I told him that.

 

He ackowledged that he would likely regret this. I told him I am done and not to call, that I wished him well but was blocking his number (apparently this can't be done). He said he would respect my wishes and not call. He entertained the idea of meeting up in the future and I said hopefully I will have moved on by then because I deserve better. And, I know I do. It still hurts though.

 

I cannot comprehend his behavior nor why it hurts me so much. I don't know why I continuously give and compromise for men that don't deserve it. My desire to find "the one" is ruling my life. I am so tired and lonely. Why did I let this happen to me?

 

I'm flooded with tears and disappointment. I feel empty, and as though I walk around doing all of the things I have to do, and things I want to do, but I walk alone. I'm so tired of being alone and not being able to experience that closeness and that love. It matters more to me than anything in the world, and it's the one thing I have been without. I feel the void, and it cannot be filled with anything. This is a fact.

 

Time, time, and more time. I am mad at myself for being a foolish woman and for wasting such a good life being sad all the time.

 

I am unraveling and just letting it out tonight. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Edited February 17, 2012 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

I pushed myself harder at the gym today, harder than I think I ever have before. And when I got into my car to leave, I just cried. I came home and was starving, but when it came time to eat I didn't really want to. I think I am going to be an intermittent zombie for a while, snapping into smiles and speech only when life requires it.

 

I'm going to watch a couple movies and drown myself in wine. My entire body aches, I hope that helps me sleep tonight.

[dicky_fish]

ScienceGal, you've been on here for as long as me and I've read a lot of your posts in the past and they helped me a lot in the early part of my break up.

 

You've hit the nail on the head when you said you'd wasted your life being sad. I think you're being a little harsh on yourself, but there is an element of truth to it. You're constantly on the look out for this magical one thing that will complete your life while letting the world pass you by. Isn't the phrase something like "you can't see the forest for all the trees"?

 

If I remember rightly isn't this new ex sort of a rebound for you anyway? I seem to remember you got with him very quickly after your break up that lead you to LS. Time for you to be single methinks. I know love and the huge things that come with that are what you really want, I'm exactly the same in that respect, but I'm letting it come to me instead of me going to find it and you could do worse than trying the same.

 

Big hugs for you in the meantime xxx

[ScienceGal]

ScienceGal, you've been on here for as long as me and I've read a lot of your posts in the past and they helped me a lot in the early part of my break up.

 

You've hit the nail on the head when you said you'd wasted your life being sad. I think you're being a little harsh on yourself, but there is an element of truth to it. You're constantly on the look out for this magical one thing that will complete your life while letting the world pass you by. Isn't the phrase something like "you can't see the forest for all the trees"?

 

If I remember rightly isn't this new ex sort of a rebound for you anyway? I seem to remember you got with him very quickly after your break up that lead you to LS. Time for you to be single methinks. I know love and the huge things that come with that are what you really want, I'm exactly the same in that respect, but I'm letting it come to me instead of me going to find it and you could do worse than trying the same.

 

Big hugs for you in the meantime xxx

 

Thanks DF.

 

I allow myself to be sad when I feel like I need to be. But, I do not let myself wallow. I had a busy day today and another one tomorrow. And when I don't have plans, I find something productive to do. Even though I use this thread to document my down moments, I really am practicing what I preach. I used to shut myself in for days, I used to chase a guy after he broke up with, I used to get blackout drunk every weekend, sometimes twice. I don't do any of those anymore.

 

My saddness now is definitely tied to this rebound guy, but it's amplified by the fact that it's another failed relationship and I have to start over again. And I am scared he'll try to come back and I am not as strong as I want, and need, to be. Let's hope I'm wrong and he never comes back.

 

I agree with letting it come to me. I'll try to cool it with finding Mr. Right for a while. I know I need time, that dreaded time! I am not exempt from having to refocus, heal, and wait.

 

Hugs for you too.

[Buttercup84]

Hi SG

 

Hope you're doing Ok , at least you're going to the gym , which I should be doing !

 

I joined around the same time as you and always read your posts . Thinking of you :)xx

[ScienceGal]

Hi SG

 

Hope you're doing Ok , at least you're going to the gym , which I should be doing !

 

I joined around the same time as you and always read your posts . Thinking of you :)xx

 

Thank you

 

I hope you're doing ok as well, Buttercup.

[moontiger]

And I am scared he'll try to come back and I am not as strong as I want, and need, to be. Let's hope I'm wrong and he never comes back.

 

He can come back or not; it doesn't matter. It's entirely up to you what you do with him; whether you allow him back in your life so that he can hurt you one more time.

 

Strength and courage are really just choices. Doing the right thing in the long term, even if it's hard in the short-term. You're good at it--you've done it before. You let him go once. Don't take him back.

 

Hugs,

MT

[TaintedHeart]

I too had a break up 8 months ago. You can probably remember my daily threads! I was an utter mess! And even though I am still here to tell the story I honestly don't think I can say I 'coped' Does that make sense? I grieved for 2 months. Some might say that this ins't long but it all came at once, there were no good days where I coped better than the last, everyday I was in pain, fresh pain. Anyway, I got through it, I don't know how, but I did, but as I said, I don't think I coped?!

I've recently had another break up, it wasn't a long relationship but it was long enough to mean something. This time I feel completely different..

I don't feel torn up inside, sick, or heart broken, I feel.. I dont even know how to explain it. Yes I'm sad and feel a loss but I feel scared! Sometimes numb, sometimes shut off from the world. I've kind of realised that it's not him that I'm missing, I'm reacting to memories and the future that I built in my head with him. (I never told him this) I didn't even know I was doing it until recently. In a way my first break up easier than this one, at least I knew how I felt. This new break up has left me so confused. I'm seaching myself for answers but I dont even know the bloody question.

[ScienceGal]

I too had a break up 8 months ago. You can probably remember my daily threads! I was an utter mess! And even though I am still here to tell the story I honestly don't think I can say I 'coped' Does that make sense? I grieved for 2 months. Some might say that this ins't long but it all came at once, there were no good days where I coped better than the last, everyday I was in pain, fresh pain. Anyway, I got through it, I don't know how, but I did, but as I said, I don't think I coped?!

I've recently had another break up, it wasn't a long relationship but it was long enough to mean something. This time I feel completely different..

I don't feel torn up inside, sick, or heart broken, I feel.. I dont even know how to explain it. Yes I'm sad and feel a loss but I feel scared! Sometimes numb, sometimes shut off from the world. I've kind of realised that it's not him that I'm missing, I'm reacting to memories and the future that I built in my head with him. (I never told him this) I didn't even know I was doing it until recently. In a way my first break up easier than this one, at least I knew how I felt. This new break up has left me so confused. I'm seaching myself for answers but I dont even know the bloody question.

 

Wow, it sounds like we are in a similar place.

 

For me, I know I still have feelings tied up in the ex mostly because he treated me so poorly in the end. Had it been respectful, I wouldn't have this weight on my shoulders and fear seeing him when I go out to social events. I'd still be sad, but I would be much further along in my coping.

 

With the new guy, although he was an emotional wreck, he was sweet and honest. He communicated and really tried to work through his issues and I could see he genuinely cared. I also saw a life with him, because I was physically attracted to him and he had those basic qualities that I want. But, he was also lacking some qualities which I chose to overlook and just wish he'd eventually start displaying. I compromised, big time. I think we all do to a certain extent, but it should never be on the fundamentals. I compromised my need for stabiliy and security. He wasn't offering me any of that (after months there was still daily uncertainty of whether we were going to stay together), and I still wanted to be with him.

 

I'm reaching for the future too. I know I've come a long way from 8 months ago and I'm going to keep moving forward.

 

Good luck in your journey

 

He can come back or not; it doesn't matter. It's entirely up to you what you do with him; whether you allow him back in your life so that he can hurt you one more time.

 

Strength and courage are really just choices. Doing the right thing in the long term, even if it's hard in the short-term. You're good at it--you've done it before. You let him go once. Don't take him back.

 

Hugs,

MT

 

I realized today that he reminds me of a guy I was with for 3.5 years who was an alcoholic. I knew early on there was a problem, but I stayed.

There is a switch that goes off in me when someone I care about says they're sorry. Somehow all of the pain I went through goes out the window and I just want to hold them. I want to ease their pain, and I want everything to be right in the world.

 

He would do outrageous and abusive things when he was drunk and then cry the next day and beg forgiveness, with no recollection of what he had done due to being blacked out. It's one thing to see someone is not sorry and move on. It's much more difficult when you see they are sorry and they do care, but that they're sick. He was sick with substance abuse. Ex new guy is emotionally sick. Different, yet similar. I need to remember that just because he is sorry in the moment, and he means it with every cell in his body, it carries little weight. I need to not get hopeful in that moment and see how everything "could be".

 

He isn't well enough to maintain a relationship.

He will hurt me again and again.

I can't help him.

 

Breathe. I can do this. I can put myself first and do what's right for me. Keep thinking long term. Keep looking past all of this.

Edited February 21, 2012 by ScienceGal

[Cocollective]

I know you guys have probably read this already but Barbara De Angelis' "Are you the one for me" was recommended by a friend. Has lots of practical pointers regarding prospective relationship partners that I found gets straight to the point.

 

Hope you are feeling better and hitting that gym hard!

 

Rich

[ScienceGal]

I know you guys have probably read this already but Barbara De Angelis' "Are you the one for me" was recommended by a friend. Has lots of practical pointers regarding prospective relationship partners that I found gets straight to the point.

 

Hope you are feeling better and hitting that gym hard!

 

Rich

 

Thank you, Rich! I will look into it.

 

 

 

I've drempt about the ex for the past three nights. Last night, he and is new girlfriend were expecting a baby. I don't remember feeling shocked or sad. I was quite emotionless actually. I know someday he will get married and have kids, and I know it won't be with me. Someday it will be real. I wonder how I will feel then.

[moontiger]

I've drempt about the ex for the past three nights. Last night, he and is new girlfriend were expecting a baby. I don't remember feeling shocked or sad. I was quite emotionless actually. I know someday he will get married and have kids, and I know it won't be with me. Someday it will be real. I wonder how I will feel then.

 

Actually SG if you mean the most recent ex, he may not--or if he does it may take a very long time, and even then it may not last. He doesn't sound like the type of guy who can stick to a marriage, or if he does it is unlikely to be a happy one; too much overanalysis and wavering and second-guessing and commitmentphobia. It may not even be because of his baggage...everyone has baggage, but not everybody becomes like that. And besides that's what life throws at you--baggage. If you deal with it like he has, then you have a big and lifelong problem.

 

Hope things are well.

[ScienceGal]

Actually SG if you mean the most recent ex, he may not--or if he does it may take a very long time, and even then it may not last. He doesn't sound like the type of guy who can stick to a marriage, or if he does it is unlikely to be a happy one; too much overanalysis and wavering and second-guessing and commitmentphobia. It may not even be because of his baggage...everyone has baggage, but not everybody becomes like that. And besides that's what life throws at you--baggage. If you deal with it like he has, then you have a big and lifelong problem.

 

Hope things are well.

 

Not the recent guy. Is it strange that I don't even consider him an "ex"? I don't feel like we had a real relationship. It was never stable enough.

 

I drempt about the original ex, the one that brought me to LS. I still think about him everyday. I still miss him. I miss having that kind of attraction to someone. I miss being kissed and feeling something truly wonderful. But, I know it wasn't real. He didn't value the relationship the way I did, at least he didn't seem to. He switches women out like underwear, yet I don't feel disgusted by it, I feel bad for him. He's never grieved.

 

I am ok though. I'm filling my time with things that interest me, and hopefully I will make new social connections and just have fun. I need at least a little fun.

Edited February 25, 2012 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

Not the recent guy. Is it strange that I don't even consider him an "ex"? I don't feel like we had a real relationship. It was never stable enough.

 

I drempt about the original ex, the one that brought me to LS. I still think about him everyday. I still miss him. I miss having that kind of attraction to someone. I miss being kissed and feeling something truly wonderful. But, I know it wasn't real. He didn't value the relationship the way I did, at least he didn't seem to. I am ok though. I'm filling my time with things that interest me, and hopefully I will make new social connections and just have fun. I need at least a little fun.

 

*nod* I think you and I broke up with the exes who brought us to LS (wow, that should be an acronym...EWBU2LS?) around the same time. One thing I've found about breakups is that they refresh memories of previous breakups and partners.

 

7.5 months on, I still think about that ex every day too. I still miss him...not the bad parts, of course, but the good ones. Not even having a new partner makes it totally go away. I guess that's just how it goes; it's hard to lose someone from your life entirely.

 

I'll probably be aware of his absence forever on some level, but I guess ultimately it stops hurting. This much is certain: I don't want to be with him any more, and I'd rather miss him a little for a long time than be with him again.

 

Glad to hear that you are continuing to be proactive and taking care of yourself. I think it's a good sign that you are dreaming of him with another woman and not feeling anything. I remember I had dreams shortly after my breakup where I kept dreaming we were still together and he was cheating on me, although he never actually had.

 

Keep strong.

[ScienceGal]

10 months out. I'm still alive, and I am much better. I still think of him every day, but I don't miss him as much as I used to. It doesn't hurt anymore, it just makes me a little heavy-hearted.

 

The guy I was dating that left me (second time) in February emailed me last week. He misses me and is certain that he is ready to be with me. He said that he loves me and wants me to meet his family. He apologized for the way he hurt me and took responsibility for everything. He attributed much of it to the fact that he's never had a good relationship and was still dealing with sorting things out. I replied because I wanted to be direct and not leave him wondering. I told him I wish him the best because he truly is a good guy and has a lot of great qualities. I told him he didn't hurt me, and that I am ok. That I am happy, but I am not going to get back with him. I reminded him of what I told him when he left in February, that I wouldn't give him another chance if he left again, and I was now going stand by that and stay true to myself. I was kind, but honest. I didn't respond to the 4 emails he sent after that.

 

After he left the first time, I met someone new. I could tell he really liked me, but I held back. I wasn't ready. And then I gave the previous guy a second chance when he came back. That lasted a short month and after he left again, the new guy contacted me to say he missed seeing me out. I had missed him too, and realized I made a poor choice. I was honest with him about everything, and he said that it was probably for the best that I gave the other guy a second chance because now I won't ever wonder whether I should have. I didn't expect that response, and I certainly didn't expect him to still be interested in me after I chose someone over him. But, it's been 6 weeks and things are slowly moving along with us.

 

The relationship is surprisingly stress free for me, which is NOT something I am used to. He's sweet to me all the time and very kind. Unlike with the last guy, I laugh a lot now. I don't feel judged or like I have to think before I say or do something. I don't feel pressured. I appreciate having someone I can relax and be myself around. Will it lead to something long-term? I don't know, but it certainly has potential. I am just enjoying it and trying to take each day as an opportunity to have fun and live life, a chance to treat him well and be treated well in return. It's been a long time since I've been this at peace and content.

Edited April 16, 2012 by ScienceGal

[Nohbody]

Reading the last sentence made my whole day. I'm very glad for you.

[moontiger]

10 months out. I'm still alive, and I am much better. I still think of him every day, but I don't miss him as much as I used to. It doesn't hurt anymore, it just makes me a little heavy-hearted.

 

*nod* Nine months for me. I feel the same way. I think of him lots. Just...it doesn't hurt as much any more.

 

I told him I wish him the best because he truly is a good guy and has a lot of great qualities. I told him he didn't hurt me, and that I am ok. That I am happy, but I am not going to get back with him. I reminded him of what I told him when he left in February, that I wouldn't give him another chance if he left again, and I was now going stand by that and stay true to myself. I was kind, but honest. I didn't respond to the 4 emails he sent after that.

 

You're the best SG. I'm proud of you.

 

The relationship is surprisingly stress free for me, which is NOT something I am used to. He's sweet to me all the time and very kind. Unlike with the last guy, I laugh a lot now. I don't feel judged or like I have to think before I say or do something. I don't feel pressured. I appreciate having someone I can relax and be myself around. Will it lead to something long-term? I don't know, but it certainly has potential. I am just enjoying it and trying to take each day as an opportunity to have fun and live life, a chance to treat him well and be treated well in return. It's been a long time since I've been this at peace and content.

 

*cheer*