Coping Journal, starting 6 months late.

[ScienceGal]

When my ex and I split 6 months ago, I was devastated. After several months I walled up and felt numb about everything in general. I didn't want to think about it anymore and I didn't want to feel anything at all. I began dating a new guy and slowly I gained optimism and was enjoying having someone in my life again. After 3 months, that relationship ended. I didn't plead or beg, I just walked away (an improvement for me). It's been 2 weeks and I am back in a hole. Not as deep and dark as 6 months ago, but equally depressing. I have little interest in doing things and I mostly just want to stay home and be left alone.

 

I know this isn't the right attitude, so I do not let myself hide. I work full time, I go to the gym, and force myself to go to certain social functions. And, I'm great at smiling and letting on that I am happy. Even the last guy I dated did not know I was depressed because I internalized it. But, I am not happy. I carry saddness with me at all times and I always end up home alone, and in tears. I wake up in tears, and I cry in the car. Everything is sad to me. I feel guilty because I have a good life and little to complain about. I keep telling myself I am ungrateful, but it seems that these feelings are not in my control.

 

I went to therapy back in June/July. I only went to 4 sessions before being told by my insurance that the provider was not in the network. I stopped going, and the idea of starting over with someone new was too much. I found out recently that this was a paperwork error, and I can resume seeing the therapist in about a month. Yes, I am upset the insurance company messed up and interfered with my treatment. And, they owe me money.

 

I remember being a happy single person, but I can't seem to get back there. I am successful and I have a lot to be proud of and happy about. But, as I get older it is more and more apparent to me that I am one of those people that really wants companionship, dare I say needs it. I want a relationship and I will never feel fulfilled without one. I want a home and a family. I am not needy nor am I going to jump on the first guy that smiles at me. I want the real deal. But, I am also questioning my ability to see the 'real deal'. My wanting a relationship might be skewing my perception of men (like how I am clinging to hope with this last guy). At any rate, until I find something genuine, I will be here, always less than happy, always missing something. I'm tired of it.

 

I'm starting this journal 6 months late because the way I feel is not healthy and it is a problem. Also, I need to document my feelings somehow so I don't continue to cover them up while lying to myself and others.

 

Today, I am reading, doing laundry, and then going to a social gathering for an organization that I sometimes work for.

Edited December 11, 2011 by ScienceGal

[swann]

as I get older it is more and more apparent to me that I am one of those people that really wants companionship, dare I say needs it. I want a relationship and I will never feel fulfilled without one. I want a home and a family.

 

I totally understand what you mean. I feel the same. I think that going back to the therapist is a good idea, he can help you to put things in perspective and maybe give you some medicine to get through these tough days. It looks like you have crossed the turning point: seeking medical treatment, going to social events, starting a journal, these are all positive things, they show that you want to get better and you are tired of staying home alone.

Good luck with the therapy!

[Thieves]

Six months too late, six months too early -- what's the difference? The point is, SciGal, that you've finally started a journal, period. Which means that you have recognized in all seriousness that it's time for you to begin taking those steps toward actually healing yourself. For one, I'm glad that you'll be able to resume your therapy and continue your progress there, as that is most definitely something that will help to nicely supplement the other steps you're taking to move forward.

 

After departing from a relationship, it's completely normal to feel as if you cannot get back on your feet at first when it comes to being 'single' again. We all feel dazed, confused, and at times painfully helpless to the storm of our own emotions when going through a break-up, no matter how short or seemingly 'insignificant' the relationship was. But SciGal, you have to give yourself time to allow yourself to return back to being that 'happy single' person, because as much as we'd love to, it's not always possible to just bounce straight back when you've practically gotten your heart shattered. It may take longer than you think, or shorter than you think, but you will get there. So, now is the time to re-evaluate some things about yourself, like what you're looking for in a partner, and what you want to get the most of your own life. With or without a partner.

 

Notice the keyword "or". I know very well that you've said that you may be the type of person who wants or needs companionship, and honestly, I don't think it's wrong of you to feel that way -- we all need some sort of companionship. But, in moderation. It's way too easy to get caught up in the cycle of wanting somebody just to have somebody, simply because you feel you absolutely need to fill that space for companionship... or else your life is incomplete and 'lackluster'. In fact, I think one of the best places to be in life is where you desire a partner, but don't necessarily need one right away.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you started a journal for yourself, as they are surprisingly very helpful during those tough nights where you just need to vent. Keep documenting what you're feeling here, and hopefully some of us will be able to help you out along the way if you ever run into a few bad spots.

[Popehappycat]

You'll always have a friend in Raptorjesus.

[ScienceGal]

I just created an online dating profile. I know, I know.. I vowed not to do this unless I was desperate. Well, I am desperate! Desperate to see who might be out there. Desperate to see a cute face or read a witty profile. I am desperate for any glimmer of hope. So, I did it. I haven't put a photo up yet, and my profile certainly needs work, but I'll get there when I feel ready. I wonder how many people are doing online dating and secretly hate it like me.

 

Also, still waiting for ex new guy to get his head out of his rear and call me. It's been a week since his ridiculous phone call where he said he really cares and wants a relationship with me, but that I have boundary issues that he cannot deal with (translation: his insecurities that he hasn't dealt with). He's a good guy, but is being a total schmuck. And by "waiting" for him I mean, still hoping while continuing to move on. Forward, march.

 

And thank you for the responses. Googling Raptorjesus made my day!

Edited December 12, 2011 by ScienceGal

[Popehappycat]

*Internethighfive*

[kourix]

I just created an online dating profile. I know, I know.. I vowed not to do this unless I was desperate. Well, I am desperate! Desperate to see who might be out there. Desperate to see a cute face or read a witty profile. I am desperate for any glimmer of hope. So, I did it. I haven't put a photo up yet, and my profile certainly needs work, but I'll get there when I feel ready. I wonder how many people are doing online dating and secretly hate it like me.

 

 

i am definitely one of those. i was always giving my friends crap for meeting people online (eg through friendster, facebook) and never approved people who added me on those mediums. then one day, i was so tired of never meeting new people(that i was interested in), so, with some encouragement from my friends, i created one and i hated it, and i met my recent ex there, and whenever people ask where i met him, i was always vague, like... oh through a friend.

my ex is very cute though - i figured if i'm going to try an online site, might as well find someone good looking. he was the only person i met through the site, i ignored the rest... but obviously it didn't work out, and i'm not going back online dating again, just felt awkward the whole time. be careful out there!

[ScienceGal]

I just pushed myself really hard at the gym. I'm sore and exhausted. Let's hope this helps me sleep tonight.

 

Despite not posting a photo to the online dating site I just signed up for, I got 2 messages today. I responded to the first one. The second was a 33 year old man that has 18 as his age range minimum (yuck, deal breaker).

 

I feel like I am pushing just to get through each day, and through the holidays. I space out at work and can't concentrate for long. I am easily distracted and find it difficult to focus on one thing at a time. I am sad and tired all the time.

 

I don't know what I am doing.

I don't know what I should be doing.

[wilsonx]

interesting my post got moderated... because i said o d is terrible

[PelicanPete]

Hi ScienceGal

 

It's good to hear that you're exercising! Not only is it good for you, it's also a very good stress reliever.

 

I'm just going to go off on a rant on what I think about what I have read from this thread so far. Maybe what I say will help, maybe I'm way off base, I'd appreciate it if you help me understand.

 

Alright, from what I understand you have a few things on your plate. Not only the initial relationship that took place 6 months ago that you never properly addressed, but there's a new break up in the mix as well.

 

With these two things, on top of day-to-day stresses, you're probably feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused right now.

 

What I notice is that your past two relationships have an underlying theme to them. They were both potential prospects towards your long term goal of companionship. No kidding right?

 

Anyway, the main issue here isn't coping with those relationships, but confronting your problem of feeling like you "need" companionship. It seems like this is the main thorn in your side, and your main grievance. If you're able to deal with this, my theory is that you'll essentially deal with the left over feelings of your past two relationships.

 

I know you're feeling desperate right now, but finding someone right now probably isn't the wisest move. Why? Because you aren't 100% right now. If you're wanting the real deal, you have to be completely ready to handle the real deal, and right now you aren't emotionally firing all cylinders if you catch my drift. If you're only feeling 60%, the best that you're gonna find is 60%.

 

So if you want my opinion, the best thing you could be doing right now is trying to understand your need for companionship. What insecurities or fears are you trying to cover with another person? Why is it you're so afraid of being alone?

[Popehappycat]

^ interesting perspective, might be just what the doctor ordered.

 

She can always fill any void with us! There are all sorts of played me out memes I can entertain her with! :-P

[ScienceGal]

Hi ScienceGal

 

It's good to hear that you're exercising! Not only is it good for you, it's also a very good stress reliever.

 

I'm just going to go off on a rant on what I think about what I have read from this thread so far. Maybe what I say will help, maybe I'm way off base, I'd appreciate it if you help me understand.

 

Alright, from what I understand you have a few things on your plate. Not only the initial relationship that took place 6 months ago that you never properly addressed, but there's a new break up in the mix as well.

 

I'm not sure what I am suppose to do to "properly address" what happened six months ago. He cut off all communication with me, I went to 4 therapy sessions, and I got to the point where I didn't want to sit around feeling sad about it. I take a certain amount of time to grieve, and then I push on.

 

With these two things, on top of day-to-day stresses, you're probably feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused right now.

 

What I notice is that your past two relationships have an underlying theme to them. They were both potential prospects towards your long term goal of companionship. No kidding right?

 

No kidding is right! I am finally at the point where I am ready to settle down. I've felt this way for the last 1.5 - 2 years. These two relationships are also hitting me hard because it's been a couple years since my last LTR. I didn't expect to be alone this long. And, I dated a couple other men since the last LTR and before these most recent 2. I feel like I keep meeting men who are bad for me, but in different ways. It's exhausting trying to figure out what has hope and what doesn't.

 

Anyway, the main issue here isn't coping with those relationships, but confronting your problem of feeling like you "need" companionship. It seems like this is the main thorn in your side, and your main grievance. If you're able to deal with this, my theory is that you'll essentially deal with the left over feelings of your past two relationships.

 

I know you're feeling desperate right now, but finding someone right now probably isn't the wisest move. Why? Because you aren't 100% right now. If you're wanting the real deal, you have to be completely ready to handle the real deal, and right now you aren't emotionally firing all cylinders if you catch my drift. If you're only feeling 60%, the best that you're gonna find is 60%.

 

So if you want my opinion, the best thing you could be doing right now is trying to understand your need for companionship. What insecurities or fears are you trying to cover with another person? Why is it you're so afraid of being alone?

 

I am never going to be a 100%, because I don't believe that anyone ever is. We all have issues and baggage, we all have problems and worries. I am an emotional person, I am going to cry. No amount of loving myself, drugs, or therapy will change that. I feel the weight of many things, not just relationships. I am going to get stressed in ways that others might not. Yet, it might not be as bad as it is for some. I don't know if I am considered 'middle of the road', I pretend I am though. I like being able to care as much as I do, but it's also a burden. And yes, companionship weighs on my mind because it's what I want in my life. To be a wife and a mom.

 

I'm sad that I don't have someone to share my life with right now. I hate realizing during the day that no one is thinking of me, I hate sitting home eating Chinese food alone on a Saturday night, and I absolutely dread going to bed and waking up alone everyday. I am afraid that I might not meet someone in time for me to have my own child. Also, there are the ego driven stresses too (e.g. going to a holiday party tonight alone with mostly couples). I try to push aside any anxiety from what others may be thinking.

 

What I am trying to do now is develop a better understanding of what kind of relationship I want, including deal breakers. Then, I need to be honest with myself and get out of situations that are not good for me. I did not do that with the guy 6 months ago. I did do that with ex new guy a few weeks ago. I did everything I wish I had done 6 months ago (simply stated my case, wished him well, walked away). Perhaps I had to prove to myself that I had learned something, that I was growing. But, it still hurt because he is a genuinely good man.

 

My wants are not extravagant, but getting them (and being able to handle them) is going to take someone who is a lot smarter and stronger than I am right now. I'm working on getting there. That's all I can really do.

Edited December 16, 2011 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

I'm not sure what I am suppose to do to "properly address" what happened six months ago. He cut off all communication with me, I went to 4 therapy sessions, and I got to the point where I didn't want to sit around feeling sad about it. I take a certain amount of time to grieve, and then I push on.

 

*nod* I know what you mean. It's what I'm doing now.

 

I feel like I keep meeting men who are bad for me, but in different ways. It's exhausting trying to figure out what has hope and what doesn't.

 

I will say one thing--it sounds like they are getting closer to someone who is good for you. This guy was better than the last guy.

 

That has generally been true for me, too. I've had five significant relationships in my life. For the most part, the trend has been upward.

 

I hate realizing during the day that no one is thinking of me,

 

I'm thinking of you. (My home Internet has been down for a few days; I'm sorry I haven't posted anything on your log until now. The technician finally fixed it this morning.)

 

I hate sitting home eating Chinese food alone on a Saturday night, and I absolutely dread going to bed and waking up alone everyday. I am afraid that I might not meet someone in time for me to have my own child. Also, there are the ego driven stresses too (e.g. going to a holiday party tonight alone with mostly couples).

 

When you go to that party, remember that not all couples are happy--and also that they are just a breakup or a divorce away from being single themselves. That's the thing--who they are, and who you are isn't about whether you are in a relationship or not. That part can change in an instant. Who you are is something more fundamental than that.

 

What I am trying to do now is develop a better understanding of what kind of relationship I want, including deal breakers. Then, I need to be honest with myself and get out of situations that are not good for me. I did not do that with the guy 6 months ago. I did do that with ex new guy a few weeks ago. I did everything I wish I had done 6 months ago (simply stated my case, wished him well, walked away). Perhaps I had to prove to myself that I had learned something, that I was growing. But, it still hurt because he is a genuinely good man.

 

I'm really glad you did what you did. I haven't said it in a while, but I'm really proud of you SG. And...well, I don't know him, but he didn't sound all that awesome, SG. There are lots of good men out there. Heck, most men are good. That doesn't make them right for you.

 

Take a month or three. Nobody says you have to take forever. It's not the length of time, but what you do with it, and you sound like you are using it well. Just some time, a little, to get your head on straight. It will be a good investment, whether or not the next guy is The One (I hope he is.)

 

Hugs,

MT

[Popehappycat]

^ Oh, some excellent points, moontiger! While I know you didn't say it to be cynical, your comment about couples being a disagreement away from no longer being an item is an interesting take, and a good point. Not all relationships are healthy and looks can be deceiving. Everything we feel comes down to perspective and it's nice to be reminded of that. Nice post!

[D-Lish]

It sounds like you didn't deal properly with the demise of your initial relationship. You stepped into a rebound to avoid the pain, and now that you're left alone with your thoughts once again, that pain that you supressed has resurfaced.

 

I don't think the solution is to jump back into dating to fill the void. It's probably in your best interest to take the time to face your sadness and learn to heal before deeming yourself ready to date again.

[EyeAlone]

I'm sad that I don't have someone to share my life with right now. I hate realizing during the day that no one is thinking of me, I hate sitting home eating Chinese food alone on a Saturday night, and I absolutely dread going to bed and waking up alone everyday. I am afraid that I might not meet someone in time for me to have my own child. Also, there are the ego driven stresses too (e.g. going to a holiday party tonight alone with mostly couples). I try to push aside any anxiety from what others may be thinking.

I know what you mean about the party situation. Last night I went to a friend's birthday dinner party with the same dread and anxiety that you're describing. But it's all about perspective. As previous posters have mentioned, you never know about the dynamics and relationship statuses of the other couples. When I was in an abusive relationship a couple years ago, I was so jealous of single people that I met. That's something you can keep in mind. Also, going to the party will at least get you out of your house for a while. An idle mind is dangerous, as you probably know.

 

On the positive side of eating Chinese food alone, you can be messy and eat with your pajamas on or not even wear any clothes without being judged

[moontiger]

^ Oh, some excellent points, moontiger! While I know you didn't say it to be cynical, your comment about couples being a disagreement away from no longer being an item is an interesting take, and a good point. Not all relationships are healthy and looks can be deceiving. Everything we feel comes down to perspective and it's nice to be reminded of that. Nice post!

 

Thanks Popehappycat. It's something I try to keep in mind both when I am single, and also when I am coupled up and find myself feeling any desire to gloat or PDA or do anything else annoying.

 

On an unrelated note, SG, here's an issue that you've mentioned, that I've been wondering about myself. Ideally, everybody should take as much time as it takes to move on before beginning to date again. But what if the problem is not that you can't survive alone or need to be in a relationship, or are codependent, etc.

 

What if the main issue is that you are in your 30s, you'd like a family someday, and you really *can't* sit out dating for the two years it takes to recover 100%? It's tough to know what to do. SG, sounds like that's an issue for you also.

 

In regard to what D-Lish said above, I do think this breakup hurts more because it was a compound breakup. Breakups can bring back long-buried hurt from other breakups, is what I've found.

 

Hope you had a nice party, SG. Chin up!

[PelicanPete]

I'm not sure what I am suppose to do to "properly address" what happened six months ago. He cut off all communication with me, I went to 4 therapy sessions, and I got to the point where I didn't want to sit around feeling sad about it. I take a certain amount of time to grieve, and then I push on.

 

The thing is you should never really "push on" when it comes to grieving a past relationship. It's like trying to shovel dirt when there's already a bunch of dirt sticking to the head, it only weighs you down and makes things more difficult.

 

 

I am never going to be a 100%, because I don't believe that anyone ever is. We all have issues and baggage, we all have problems and worries. I am an emotional person, I am going to cry. No amount of loving myself, drugs, or therapy will change that. I feel the weight of many things, not just relationships. I am going to get stressed in ways that others might not. Yet, it might not be as bad as it is for some. I don't know if I am considered 'middle of the road', I pretend I am though. I like being able to care as much as I do, but it's also a burden. And yes, companionship weighs on my mind because it's what I want in my life. To be a wife and a mom.

 

I'm not meaning be what is considered to be a "perfect" person, but I mean be the best that you can be. Of course we all have our baggage, but that doesn't have to be a negative thing does it? There's nothing wrong with being an emotional person, it only becomes a negative if you make it one, right?

 

 

I am afraid that I might not meet someone in time for me to have my own child.

 

Let me ask you a question: If you could only be one, would you be a wife or a mother? Is this an easy answer to come to? Be completely honest with yourself.

 

My wants are not extravagant, but getting them (and being able to handle them) is going to take someone who is a lot smarter and stronger than I am right now. I'm working on getting there. That's all I can really do.

 

What do you want to improve about yourself? Why do you feel like you're not good enough for your basic wants?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but they'll help both of us understand

[ScienceGal]

I went to the party and had a great time. There were a lot of friends from high school, and many unmarried (though almost all in relationships). One of them commented that my ex from 6 months ago is dating a woman with herpes. There was laughter, as though him getting an STD would be funny. The point of that comment was obviously to make me feel better. I shrugged and smiled and changed the subject. It didn't make me feel anything. I thought about him when I got home and remembered, again, that I loved what I thought he was and what I wanted him to be. I wanted to marry him because he was handsome, moderately charming, he added to my social life and I wanted to be done with dating. That's called giving up and compromising.

 

I thought about texting ex new guy "I really miss you". How pathetic would that be? (answer = very). I didn't do it. A part of me still thinks that if I wanted to fight for it, I could get him back. But, I won't. It's not him specifically that I am missing. I'm sitting up in bed right now with my laptop. This is my Friday night.

 

I thank you all for the comments (nice to hear from you moontiger!). My adult life is one failed relationship on top of another. I make peace with each of them as time goes on though. I become indifferent. I hurt and I cry, but I don't lose sight of my goal. I understand that any moment of 'missing them', any of them, is a moment of lies and weakness. They weren't right for me, and I won't pine. I realize that I always miss the last man I was with because he is most familiar and the easiest to unload my sorrow and regret on (that's a tougher realization to accept than you might think). I want to be in a place where I can meet someone great. Does that mean I am perfect? No way. But, it means I'm willing to let go of the past. It means that I don't desire any ex (even ex new guy... sigh), nor do I desire to mimic any relationship I've had. I am not there yet. I still have work to do, but I think most people do. At least I am actively trying. At least I am looking to make honest and good decisions. I don't aim to hurt anyone.

 

Tonight, I sleep alone. Tomorrow, I try to finish Christmas shopping.

[ScienceGal]

The thing is you should never really "push on" when it comes to grieving a past relationship. It's like trying to shovel dirt when there's already a bunch of dirt sticking to the head, it only weighs you down and makes things more difficult.

 

I'm not meaning be what is considered to be a "perfect" person, but I mean be the best that you can be. Of course we all have our baggage, but that doesn't have to be a negative thing does it? There's nothing wrong with being an emotional person, it only becomes a negative if you make it one, right?

 

Let me ask you a question: If you could only be one, would you be a wife or a mother? Is this an easy answer to come to? Be completely honest with yourself.

 

What do you want to improve about yourself? Why do you feel like you're not good enough for your basic wants?

 

Sorry for all the questions, but they'll help both of us understand

 

Your question is a difficult one. I always thought that I would be a wife and then a mother. It's not the marriage label, but the implied partnership. I can't see myself, as a single woman, wanting a baby. At least not at this time.

 

For your second question, I am good enough for my basic wants. I am just tired and emotionally wrecked. I need to be aware of how I am feeling and not let it affect any new relationship. I need to do my best to make better decisions. I need to stop making mistakes I've made. For the record, I don't think anyone ever figures it all out. I just want to find someone that's looking to give what I am looking to give

[ScienceGal]

I have remained good friends a woman that the ex and I met at the same time (though through his good female friend). The problem with our friendship is that she is still very involved with that crowd. This means that our friendship will always have a divide. I won't be invited to events that involve friends of my ex. The question that I am asking myself is whether a real friendship can even be maintained between her and I.

 

I invited her to go out a couple weeks back. She responded that it sounded like a lot of fun and she'd consider it, but then she didn't reply on the day of. I sent her a message a few days after and included "I was sorry not to hear back from you on Friday". She replied that she had been sick. Now I see that she is doing a lot of things with my ex, his new girlfriend, and that crowd. I know she is busy with work and other things, but it still doesn't feel right. I am not jealous one bit, but I am trying to move forward and have a better life and this friendship is just not ideal. Oddly enough, none of this is making me sad right now. I just looked at photos she posted online of the party she is at, the party I would be at if I were still with my ex. There she is with all of them. And there is my ex, hugging the new girlfriend. I'm amused because he is dating a very fit personal trainer, and he smokes like a chimney (main reason we broke up) and is not in shape. I'm glad I am home in my pjs and not trying to be kind to shallow people (seriously).

 

I don't enjoy being 'fake friends', but I really don't see our friendship gaining any more depth than it already has. I realize that she is trying to get along with everyone, but it truly limits how good of a friend she can be to me. Her birthday is coming up and I am suppose to talk to her boyfriend about planning something. I'm not sure if I should... I haven't spoken to her in weeks. But, I feel obligated since we went out of town for my birthday a few months ago and she did everything to make it special for me.

 

I want a better life. I want meaningful relationships. I want to give and receive support and happiness.

Edited December 18, 2011 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

I am seeing more and more that I am very different than I used to be... and it's not all for the good. These past 6 months have gutted me emotionally.

 

I met a guy through a friend of mine and he invited both of us to a gathering at his place last night. The first time I met him he seemed very shy and a little awkward, but last night he seemed more relaxed.

 

I got pretty drunk off some beer that was home brewed. I have no idea what the alcohol content was, but it was definitely higher than normal. When it hit me, it really hit me. I ended up sleeping in this guys bed for a couple hours before I had to go to work. I was going to just lay on the couch, but he offered, and it was away from where people were and was quiet. He did not sleep or stay in the room, he was still hanging out with people at the party. When I left he said it's been a while since a pretty girl had slept in his bed. I thought that was a sweet thing to say.

 

He sent me a message this morning saying that he hopes I didn't think he was being a d1ck and he was really glad I went. I said I didn't think that about him, that I had a great time too, and thanked him for inviting me and letting me sleep over. He replied "well, you called me a d1ck at least 15 times last night.. but I'm glad you had a good time"... (me = facepalm!) I apologized and said that I'm blaming it on the beer. He wrote "haha. It's ok, I'm happy you came".

 

This is not like me! Unless he was being a jerk and I don't remember. But, I don't go around calling people a d1ck! Not ok!!

 

He seems like a nice guy, but like ex new guy, I just don't "care" as much as I used too, as much as I should. I'm not sure if I ever will again.

 

Another thing is that my hormones must be kicking into high gear because I think about and want sex more than ever before in my life. I don't want to go on a sexual rampage, but I feel like I've lost my inhibitions and desire for self control. I am craving sex and intimacy very much, and it's as though I'll take at least the sex for now.

 

I feel very tired and clueless right now.

Edited December 22, 2011 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

I got pretty drunk off some beer that was home brewed. I have no idea what the alcohol content was, but it was definitely higher than normal. When it hit me, it really hit me. I ended up sleeping in this guys bed for a couple hours before I had to go to work. I was going to just lay on the couch, but he offered, and it was away from where people were and was quiet.

 

Ooh. You were drunk, you were in a stranger's bed where people couldn't hear you...when I read this, I felt quite worried. Good thing it ended well.

 

He seems like a nice guy, but like ex new guy, I just don't "care" as much as I used too, as much as I should. I'm not sure if I ever will again.

 

SG--I'd say take a few months off men, entirely. It sounds like you are feeling really upset and frustrated, as anyone would after your last two interactions.

 

But please be careful not to take it out on yourself, by putting yourself in self-destructive or high-risk situations like the one at the party. IMO just take some time to cool off and re-equilibriate.

 

Absolutely it is lonely and depressing and all that to be alone--but I hope you do not jump into casual sex with this guy for that reason. Don't repeat your last pseudorelationship with this guy, or another.

 

What you are (I think) looking for now is a guy who is marriage material, and a relationship that goes in that direction. Although every rule has an exception, in general I think you want a man to begin with respect for you. The kind of relationship you will attract by becoming someone's FWB, or getting drunk and falling asleep in his bed, is unlikely to be the kind of relationship you want.

Edited December 23, 2011 by moontiger

[ScienceGal]

Thanks MT, I can see how the situation sounds bad/dangerous. I have known my friend for over 10 years and trust him to not put me in a bad situation. That said, you are right to see it as a reason to worry. Anyone could have went in the room. I wasn't blackout drunk, but that doesn't matter. Even without alcohol the situation wasn't good and I understand that. Still, a part of me just doesn't care or fear the "what ifs". I know thats a lousy attitude, I'm just being honest.

 

I don't know why I'm going through another period of not caring in order to move on. Or why I am considering latching on to someone new before I'm healed. Sounds like a terrible idea, but I just keep saying "I don't care" even though I do care. I care a great deal about myself and my life. The hurt and saddness just keeps piling up on me though, and I break under the pressure. It's all temporarily patched over when I meet someone new, but then the bandaid gets ripped off again once it's over. I don't want to do that again. I don't need validation from a new guy that I am loveable and have value. What I was doing last night, with the name calling, was wrong. Even if he was being a "d1ck" (still can't believe that was my choice word), I could have let it go and gotten away from him or gone home. But, I engaged myself in it and name called. He certainly didn't deserve it, and he just kept being nice to me. My thought is this way if he pursues me, after being mean to him, he must really like me. It's not my typical behavior, but it's the only reasoning I have that makes sense right now. I realize how awful this is, and I didn't know I was capable of such a thing. And, I'm clearly harbouring some amount of anger if I'm lashing out (even a little) at a man I barely know.

 

I'm looking forward to spending Christmas with my family and trying to refocus my energy. I'm going to get my camera out of storage and start taking photographs again. I'm going to make some New Year's resolutions.

I'm going to have to get tough with myself, very tough. I hope I succeed.

Edited December 23, 2011 by ScienceGal

[swann]

I wanted to be done with dating. That's called giving up and compromising.

 

I really know what you mean, because it's the same for me. I've been NC for less than month now, but I have already come to the same conclusion. I loved her very much, but I was compromising because I didn't want to give up the dream of building a family and having kids. That was probably the most important thing to me (and still is).

Going out and see all the others already settled it's very depressing, I hate that.