Lonely-lulu Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hi everyone, I just wondered if you all follow the belief that after a breakup you enter the grief cycle and if you do if you could shed some light on where you think I am at the moment? My relationship ended a month ago, we had been in a relationship for 5 1/2 years. I am currently feeling really up and down, I still cry and still feel really sad at times. I think about my ex a lot of the time and worry that he was 'the one' and I won't love like that again. However I don't feel any desire to contact him and I don't have any delusions that we will get back together. I can see that he didn't treat me as I should've been treated and gave me scraps of attention to keep me interested. At the end of the relationship I would have to ask him to give me a hug or give me a kiss and I know I want more than that. I'm just wondering where these feelings would put me within the grief cycle? I suppose I want to see that I am moving in the right direction.........especially after 4 break up books, 1 ebook and a self hypnosis download!! Any opinions are appreciated!
BardoPond Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hey there Lulu, This is just personal opinion but I think that you can't really put people's emotions down to a graph when they're dealing with something as messy as a break up (or in general for that matter). The fact that you don't need to contact him is a good step in itself to be honest. I'm two months broken up now and even now I'm still dealing with some serious downs to compliment the ups but most days there is a golden nothing there in regards to her. Any sense of progression will (and should) come from you. You could always place yourself on a graph if you wanted. It's like reading horoscopes, you'll fill in the blanks yourself just to fulfill what your reading. It won't really do you any good. I'm pretty sure Mike has a good read for what to expect after a certain amount of time has past but I wouldn't read to much into it. Obviously all of that is just my opinion on it but it sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Even asking that question itself shows you've made steps. I hope everything works out for you. Did the hypnosis work?
Author Lonely-lulu Posted December 11, 2011 Author Posted December 11, 2011 Thank you for your reply, you're opinion is really helpful. It's almost as if you need a coach to get you through the break up, to tell you that you're doing well and how much longer you'll feel rubbish! I think part of my problem is that throughout my relationship I moulded my personality and toned it down to suit my boyfriend, I cooked what he liked, went where he wanted to go and dressed how he wanted me to (or at least tried to) he said once that if I let him choose my clothes I could actually be quite cool, although he always said afterwards that it was said in jest! All this together has made me a dependant person so even during my breakup I am looking for reassurance from someone else that I'm doing the right things. I was never this person before. The hypnosis is a difficult thing to judge, like any experiment you need a control subject to accurately measure improvement. What it does provide me with is the feeling that I am doing something positive with a potentially beneficial outcome. I have had hypnosis before and found it helpful. I think it is different peoples coping styles, I have to feel that I am doing something proactive because all I can think is that I had 22 happy years without him and although he made me very happy for our 5 1/2 years he also made me feel sadder than anyone before. Does the good outweigh the bad? At this point in time nope!
BardoPond Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Thank you for your reply, you're opinion is really helpful. It's almost as if you need a coach to get you through the break up, to tell you that you're doing well and how much longer you'll feel rubbish! I think part of my problem is that throughout my relationship I moulded my personality and toned it down to suit my boyfriend, I cooked what he liked, went where he wanted to go and dressed how he wanted me to (or at least tried to) he said once that if I let him choose my clothes I could actually be quite cool, although he always said afterwards that it was said in jest! All this together has made me a dependant person so even during my breakup I am looking for reassurance from someone else that I'm doing the right things. I was never this person before. I know what you mean, this website has been a god send for me to be honest. A lot of helpful people. It was pretty much the same with me, I had left so much of me behind to be in the relationship but I didn't really see that until she left. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing while you're in a relationship, it's just something that happens when you commit to someone, but when I was left in the aftermath it became apparent that I couldn't go on as I was when I was in the relationship anymore. I've been looking for assurances from other people too, it's not bad at all, but at this stage it's all about you now. You need to find in yourself what you found in him while you were together, that's not easy as I'm still trying to find that too. But that's the road we're on now and you can find comfort that no matter what stage you're at you'll always have someone here.
chados Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 you know there's a saying that woman tend to stay with bad guys, well they're not staying with them because they are bad. they are staying with them because they feel attracted to someone confident and someone who control's the relationship. is this what any person would admit? everyone would say, i think it should be equal. and it should, but that necessarily doesn't mean it works. do you choose what your attracted to?. you had to ask him to get a kiss? what happened if he just kissed you the next day without asking? you would feel chocked and it would be special. lets say he kisses you all day long. how would you feel? annoyed?. do you know what happened to me? my ex girlfriend was very clingy the first 5 months, after a while i got annoyed and started to loose a little bit attraction. and then she stopped. now i wanted her more then ever. my point is, sometimes attraction is your enemy. even if you feel bad when youre in the relationship, you cant end it. and if the other person ends it. well then you want it back. dont get me wrong, im not saying he's not a great guy or that you shouldn't get him back. but just ask yourself. is this attraction or is this love? and yes you can find love again. wish you the best
Recommended Posts