Broke up with MM whose wife just found out. Should I continue to hope?

[kechara]

I've been dating a MM for about 6 months. He has been married 16 years and has two teenage kids. We got involved as friends at first because there was no intimacy- intellectual, social, emotional or physical- between him and his wife. She has slept in a separate room for almost a year.

 

As most of you can guess, it wasn't the sex. It was the conversation, the sharing, the exploring of ideas, the laughter that made me fall in love with him. He convinced me that he has every intention of leaving her, but needed to figure out the financial side of it first so that the quality of the kids' life wouldn't be affected too terribly.

 

Two weeks ago, she confronted him with suspicions that he was cheating on her with me (we work together). He admitted that we are very good friends, but denied a physical relationship. They finally started talking about their relationship and he told her he wanted out. At first she continued to accuse, but eventually (his account) the conversation turned to their essential incompatability.

 

Four days later, I told him that I wanted no further contact with him. I was motivated mainly by my feelings of guilt as we tried to cover our tracks and my feelings like I was a co-conspirator. I had tried to end this 2 months ago because I didn't want to be in the picture when he finally tried to break free of his marriage. A future with this man looked like everything that I want, but I knew that future could not start now. And I didn't want to have anything taint it. But we kept getting back together.

 

And now, I know I have to steer clear of him and let him deal with this on his own. I can't be with him until I leave the job (next year) without hiding. But, I feel like I abandoned him and I can't figure out if I should keep thinking about/hoping for/planning for an eventual "someday". I know the statistics are against us, but there are a small percentage of people who can make a second marriage that was the result of an affair work. Does it ever work? Should I hold out hope?

 

Even when I told him there could be no future for us, he said he refused to believe that and that he would come find me when he is "free and clear". Please help.

[uriel]

If you're going to have any hope of something more with him, let the dust settle on his divorce papers before starting back up. His life's a mess right now. He's not in any position to make you promises or offer your relationship his undivided attention.

 

You should also apologize to his wife. I know that sounds scary and strange, but you've hurt her -- and you shouldn't have. Whatever was between them at the end, she loved him enough to marry him and have his children. She shared a good deal of her life with him.

 

Of course, he owes her the biggest apology, since he disrespected her and his children. He violated his family's trust. Judge him by how he treats her now. You may be in that same position someday. Remember, he told her he loved her and made her promises once, too. Not every sweet feeling lasts -- but the measure of a person's character is how they behave when the chips are down.

 

That's the problem with these co-conspiracies moving forward into steady longterm relationships after. Are you the kind of woman he can trust? Is he the kind of man you can? You both won't know for certain until you each do the right thing by the others hurt by your involvement. I realize that your relationship came when his marriage was already rocky, but that doesn't excuse his leaving it in the way he did, or your helping that along. Do what you can now to see what can be saved between you and within yourself.

 

-- uriel

[kechara]

I read your reply first thing this morning and have repeated that first paragraph to myself over and over again. Thanks.

 

I keep asking myself that, "Would I ever be able to trust him if we were together? Wouldn't I think that every time he went out for a ride, 'Is he having an affair?'"

 

The part of me that is thinking about the future says: wait the year. If he comes back to you free and clear and you can date like normal people do (no hiding, sneaking) you'll know if he's the one for you. You'll know if you can build a strong enough relationship to withstand the negative pull of our beginnings. As I said, I know that some people do make it work.

 

As for apologizing to his wife, I've thought that one over at length during the past 2 weeks. I may someday, but definitely not now. As he put it, "I don't want this to end over something as bad as this. I would just rather it went naturally on her own without her having to go through this." He has convinced her that all we really were was good friends. Thinking of when I had been cheated on, I think I would have rather not known and would have rather he had just been big enough to end the relationship.

 

Needless to say, I hurt right now. I wonder where he is, what he is doing, what he is feeling, what's going on with his relationship. But I wonder about me. I worry that I am starting to become very cynical about love.

[Same Situation]

Kechara, I'm in almost the exact same situation, except that our relationship has been going on for 7 months, he's been married for 19 years (unhappy for 16), and he has 3 kids.

 

The bedroom thing: His wife was in a different part of the house during our entire relationship until a few weeks back when her out-of-country relatives visited for a few days. She persuaded him to let her back into his bedroom "for appearances" (the biggest stall in their divorce has been a) his concern for his kids, and b) her fear of admitting to her family that her marriage has failed as she's from a country where it's considered dishonorable to divorce). He was hesitant, but went against his intuition (and my advice) and allowed her back into the master bedroom. Now she refuses to leave. She said that being back in their old bed made her nostalgic and she felt it was their duty to work things out for the kids and to please give things a second chance. So now he's living under the guise that they're trying again, even though they still don't speak about any of the issues that have plagued them for the last decade, still have nothing in common, and still have different goals regarding pretty much everything in the future. He's feels confused and guilty because "she's actually putting in an effort to be nice"...Translation: she's holding her tongue and not flying off the handle at him for every little mistake like she usually does. But she's doing double time in taking her moods out on the kids, which makes him all the more nervous about really ending it. He's afraid that if he leaves the house and the kids stay with her, she'll emotionally abuse them. And because they are his kids and he does have valid concerns in that avenue, my choices are to either empathize and let him do what he thinks he should do without interferring, or withdraw from the situation. Of course, there's a lot more to this story, on all fronts. And of course there's not nearly enough time to go into every detail. And I haven't been able to withdraw. So I don't know what to tell you because I haven't figured it out yet either. But I'm very frustrated and I can tell you are, too. You're not alone. We all go through it.

 

I'll tell you this though, try let the dust settle, and, if you can, avoid being with him until he files divorce papers (or at the very least, is physically separated from her and making arrangements to file papers). But DO NOT contact his wife in an attempt to apologize to her. That would be a mistake. She wont appreciate it, and it wont make her feel better. If anything, it will just give her more fuel to rage with and she'll take the opportunity to take her anger and pain and embarrassment out on you..."How dare you! He is MY husband" blah blah blah. And it's not your place to take her abuse.

 

You didn't get involved with her husband to be malicious towards her so you don't owe her an apology. And you're trying to do what you see as the right thing by cooling things off between you until he gets his act together. As far as I'm concerned, your duty is done; you have nothing to be sorry for.

 

Apologies and shame and blame can be tossed around between them because their relationship had their problems before you ever came along and it's their responsibility to work it out between themselves. Don't involve yourself with their problems any more than you already are. It'd just be asking for trouble.

 

Best of luck.

[kechara]

Dear Same,

Thanks for understanding and for sharing your situation.

 

I am going to hold out and stay away from him, even though I feel tremendously guilty for abandoning him as he is going through this. But, when I tried to be there for him and to listen to what was going on at home as this whole thing blew up, I was physically ill. I kept going to work with circles under my eyes and would have to excuse myself because I kept getting so worked up that I was dry-heaving. I know that no matter how much I love him, I can't stay with him and do that to myself.

 

I feel like an awful person and like a weak person too. We had been friends in the office for so long, that when he tried to take things to another level, I told him that I wouldn't do it because we work together and he was married. But I was incredibly lonely and enjoyed his company, so when he pushed the issue time and again...finally, I gave in. God, this whole situation seems so unreal and I can't tell if I'm coming or going.

 

Why do we stay? Is it just that the feeling of being loved right now overrides the knowledge that there is no future in these relationships? (But still, some small part of us hopes there might be a future.)

 

Withdrawing is hard. I've done it 4 times before this and always, at about the 2 week mark, he would find a way to contact me and we would start up again- with new rules and limits. But each time, I would have a great reunion week and then be right back where I started- upset about all of the limits on our relationship, jealous of the time he spent with his family, angry at myself for being back where I started, guilty for all of the people we were betraying.

 

Needless to say, the 2 week mark is coming up (this Wednesday) and I'm scared. I've got to hold out. I've got to get off this emotional rollercoaster.

[uriel]

I don't want you to misunderstand. This isn't about judging. It's about doing right by other people in order to preserve your own integrity. When you hurt others, even unintentially, you hurt yourself. Call it karma, conscience, whatever. No, you didn't set out to hurt his wife or family -- but you did. He did. That's the way it goes.

 

The point is that there's no honor among thieves. If you've both uncharacteristically taken on the role of emotional thieves in this circumstance, you need to do what you can to make things right. You need to restore what you've taken, make reparations, and return to an honorable life.

 

Then and only then can the two of you have a chance at a relationshp that's out in the open and built on trust. Don't let folks who refuse to shoulder the responsibility from what they've done give you false comfort on this point. You know in your heart that what I'm saying is the truth.

 

In this case, keeping your distance and letting this man work things out with his family is the right thing to do. I hope he'll tell his wife the truth -- she doesn't deserve to believe in his lies. If she doesn't know about the affair, I agree that your telling her about it in order to apologize isn't the right thing to do. My advising you to do that was predicated on her already knowing about the affair with you.

 

Sorry this situation hurts -- I've been in a similar one (opposite side -- the partner who drifted) and I know the agony of it. I also know the courage it took to do exactly what I've advised. I lost him, you understand, and stayed with my husband. We have a small child. Well -- it's not easy, but it's what I can live with.

 

-- uriel

[confusion]

I totally understand what you are going through. My MM/BF's wife just found out about us. She listened to a voice mail that was left on his cell from me. Then she started investigating the cell bills and discovered many calls made to me over the last four months. She went ballistic. Hitting my BF, threatening suicide, telling his parents, etc. She even called me and yelled at me. I told her it was between her and him and denied any involvement.

 

The hard part is that now he is in "lockdown" and contact with me is limited at best. He also has decided for now to stay with her because of her recent bizarre and suicidal behavior. I told him I don't know how he can live like that, someone who is abusive and has emotional issues.

 

Anyway, I have decided to back away from the situation. It really hurts because I gave this man my heart and my soul. But what choice do I have? I understand that he is trying to "save face" with his family. So that if he eventually leaves later instead of if he leaves now he will be an "adulterer". His parents have already told him that if that happened they would never forgive him. So he can't bear their disappointment in him. So he stays and puts up with the abusive behavior and someone who will be monitoring his every move. Almost like he is in jail.

 

So here I am, left alone with a broken heart. I miss him so much I can't stand it. The daily calls, the I love you's, the just checking on me, etc. And because I really do love him, it hurts me that he chose to stay with this emotional baggage over me. It hurts me that he is in such a hurtful relationship.

 

So now what do I do? Wait? For how long? I think I just need to move on. As much as that hurts. But I have to admit that every time my phone rings I hope its him. How long will it take to get over that too??

[Maria46]

Why do people believe the story about how the husband and wife no longer sleep together? Or that there are problems?

 

My belief is that if the marriage is that bad, then they should get out. This business about getting a lover on the side is crazy.

 

And if you believe that he/she will leave the spouse and marry you, don't you think that they will do the same thing to you later down the road??

 

Could you trust this person if you were married to them?? If they did it once, my beliefs are that they would do it again.

 

Maybe this married person is just trying to see if the grass is really greener and if there is any grass that would accept them.

 

Would you like to be in the spouses shoes?? Years down the road you could be. Think alot before you jump into these situations please!!

[kechara]

Maria, you're right, we should think a lot before getting into these situations. But the problem is the heart overrides the brain. What kills me is that so many people blame it on sex. What it is really is here is a needy man (yep, you were prob mostly right with the grass is greener comment) and we want to help, fix, fill up their lives and all of a sudden, we feel special because here is this person who needs us and you get sucked in EMOTIONALLY.

 

Confused, same situation. "I don't want to leave over something as bad as this (she had no hard evidence that he had cheated on her, just lots of evidence that we had been in contact- yep, phone bills). I would rather have it end naturally on its own." So, he too, to prevent the label of "adulterer" is staying so that if he leaves somewhere down the line it is just because his marriage failed and not for anything he did. To some degree, that's laudable because the effect their father being labeled "adulterer" would have on the kids; but certainly another way to look at it is a cop-out- he doesn't want to take responsibility.

 

I understand what you are talking about with the missing. To go from seeing him just about every day and messaging for an hour every night to nothing has been really hard. But, I hit the two week NC mark today and I am starting to pull my act together....I painted my kitchen. I can assure you that the pain will lessen. Hurts like hell at first, and then it starts to ease, but like a wave that you didn't see, all of a sudden it can knock you on your butt again. But if you hold on, keep kicking, all of a sudden you realize, "Hey, this pain isn't nearly as painful as that pain a week ago." It makes you hope.

 

I CAN survive without him. I don't need to have my life, my reputation, my dreams ruined over this. I am glad that I loved him, even if I don't know what purpose it served- I will figure it out some day. I AM POSITIVE (and this is the hard part) that I will find someone who can truly be the partner I deserve.

 

Good luck, confused. Let me know what you end up doing. It sounds like I'm only a couple weeks ahead of you in the whole process.

[confusion]

I know you are right. Luckily in my case, there are no kids involved for either party. It really does hurt to know that he chose her over me. She actually called me and wanted me to "come clean with her". She said if I didn't talk to her and if I hung up on her that she would kill herself right then. So I talked to her. I lied and told her that we talked on the phone but have never been intimate. Just thought there wasn't any point in hurting her anymore. I told her that her killing herself wouldn't solve anything -- all it would do was to hurt everyone else. But she admitted to me that she is emotionally unstable. Wow. I told her that they had many issues to work on in their marriage and her threatening him with suicide, etc. definitely won't help.

 

Anyway, I know that moving on is definitely the right thing for me to do. I really loved this man -- even though I tried hard not too. I know that he loved me too. It really hurts that he decided to chose his father and a woman who has so many emotional issues. But really what was he to do. His father told him that he would never forgive him (this is the man that he admires more than anything!!). He would never do anything to hurt him so his only choice is to be unhappy and stay just to make the father happy. I can't believe that his parents would put that much pressure on him but I guess they have.

 

And yes you are right, what makes me think that if he did it to her why wouldn't he do to me? I don't know. I do know that in my own personal divorce situation that I stayed for years just trying to keep everyone else happy. I didn't want to hurt anyone so I stuck it out until I just couldn't take it anymore. So I guess I do understand.

 

So what is a person to do? Your head tells you one thing and your heart does another. It is hard to control your feelings -- even when you know it isn't right. It just happens. I definitely am happy that he was in my life for awhile. I truly believe that he did and still does love me. But we just can't be together. And if it was meant to be maybe later down the road it will be. I know that I will miss him very much!!

 

It does help to know that others are also going through this hell too. I don't ever wish it on anyone though. So now I guess I am just going to take it one day at a time. Hopefully I will find that person who truly loves me like I love them and not have these strings attached.

 

Thanks,

[kechara]

confused: "So what is a person to do? Your head tells you one thing and your heart does another. It is hard to control your feelings -- even when you know it isn't right. It just happens. I definitely am happy that he was in my life for awhile. I truly believe that he did and still does love me. But we just can't be together. And if it was meant to be maybe later down the road it will be. I know that I will miss him very much!! "

 

 

Yes, you will miss him very much. I've been keeping myself so busy this last week and as soon as all of the planned events were over, I crashed- HARD. I've been doing nothing but sleeping and crying and I can't seem to pull myself together. I keep wondering where he is, what is he doing, is he feeling as bad as I am feeling, has his feelings for me changed? Like you, I do believe that he did love me, in spite of the blows that belief has taken from the well-intentioned persons on this forum. But also like you, we just can't be together. I know being with him at this stage of the game would be really unhealthy for me and him, but god do I hurt.

 

How do I get past the hurt? When will I stop thinking about him all the time? When will I stop thinking that he must be the one for me because of the intensity of our relationship? Over and over again I say to myself,

"God, what a mess."

[confusion]

Kechara,

 

I really feel for you also. Every minute I think about him. Where he is what he is doing, etc. I know I shouldn't. In fact I should be angry but I am not. I loved him and my heart can't help that. I know people on this forum tell us, that "why would we want to be with someone who cheated -- how do you know that they won't do it with you", etc., but that is from your head and right now my heart is getting in the way.

 

I talked to him last night which helped. We discussed that he really needs to try to work it out with his wife right now, etc. I agreed and will support him in that. I think it is the best thing. So if they work it out Great (but I have to admit that I hate that and don't like it one bit), but if they don't then we will see. I know I am not going to wait around for him. I think that getting back out there will help me move on. I also know that I am not going to give my heart so quick. (I least I hope my brain can stop that from happening again.) I know that I need to let him figure this out, because if he doesn't then both he and I will always wonder. I also hate to admit that if he called me today and asked me to come back to him I know I would in a minute. That is wrong I know, but I can't help myself.

 

This really really hurts though. I miss the daily phone calls, the I love you's, the everything. Everywhere I look I see his face or hear his voice. I guess we just need to take it one day at a time. We are going through the grieving process -- just like someone died. So I try not to cry, try to concentrate on life, but damn it's hard. Every time the phone rings I hope it's him.

 

So there you are. Just know that I totally understand where you are at. I was hoping that by two weeks you were doing better. I know we are going to have good days and bad. Today I am little bit better but who knows.

 

I asked him to call me still once in awhile. I just want to know how he is. I am sure everyone will tell me not to do that. That I need to completely back away but I just can't do it yet. Just a little hi how are you will help me get over him I know it. But you know, I still have to see if he will call or not.

 

So anyway, stay strong but feel free to keep me posted. Know that it may help just a little bit to know that you aren't crazy and the only one who feels this way too. Maybe we can help each other to get through it together.

 

Confusion

[confusion]

I know I am soo stupid. I should just make a clean break of it all. But it is so hard because I think about him 24/7. I hate that I do but I can't help it. My head is saying one thing and my heart is another.

 

Anyway, I was thinking that I would buy him a separate cell phone to use. He could keep it at work and the bill would come to me so we could still talk. Okay that is definitely the stupid part I know. I really just want to know how things are going. Is he truly happy? etc. etc.

 

Yikes, does anyone else feel like I do?

[kechara]

A couple things to think about.

You said you think about him 24/7. Guess what? If you break up with him, that won't change at all...at first. But slowly, when this unhealthy relationship starts to lose a little of its hold on you, you'll find moments when you won't think about him. Trust me. It happens. Yes, the rest of the time it hurts like hell, but I can tell you this much- you're perspective on him will change significantly the further you move away from him.

 

I know, I also thought that wasn't possible. But my MM doesn't seem SO amazing after 3.5 weeks NC. He still seems amazing, I miss him like crazy, but the luster is starting to fade. And I keep repeating over and over again, I deserve better than this. Confusion, wouldn't you know it, I'm actually starting to believe it.

 

No, you're not the only one who thought about the separate cell phone thing. I did too. Here's why I vetoed it- it would only make me feel more like a co-conspirator.

 

Now- the last thing- you're worried how he's feeling, is he "truly happy", is he missing you, does he hurt? I go through the same thing except I tack on, "Did I ruin his life?" Well, my sister had a long talk with me last night. She said, "You did not ruin his life. HE ruined his life. AND...you can not make guesses about what he is thinking or feeling. The only person's feelings you have any control over are yours."

 

I will continue to worry about him, but I'm starting to tell myself this when I hear myself obsessing about it, "I still love him, and that's OK. But all I can do for him now is hope that he finds his way through this mess and finds some happiness in life." If you pray, pray for him. But let him go.

 

We tend to focus so much on their feelings and not on our own feelings. As so many supportive people on this site have said- You have to grieve. You have lost him. Give up the battle. Say goodbye in your own way, and realize this is a BREAKUP, just like (and as miserable) as any other breakup. I'm starting to come to terms with my breakup by reminding myself that he could not give me what I deserve. MM or not, if I'm dating someone and they can not give me everything I deserve- security, partnership, a family (eventually), peace, support- I would, without a doubt, break up with him. It doesn't mean I don't love him and that he isn't wonderful (because in their own screwed up way, they are human beings and therefore wonder"full"), but that HE ISN'T RIGHT FOR ME.