RickyBobby Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I've been married for 18+ years for most of the first 15 years, things were bad more than good. After being unappreciated for many years, I had an affair starting in the fall of '09 that ended in the summer of '10. It started off as a FWB situation but got out of control. The OW's husband caught us first then my wife found out a few months later. We did some counseling and have been doing better until a few months ago. I initially stayed because of my children. My oldest son has shows some signs on the autism/asperger spectrum so I thought he needed the stability of us staying together at the time. He has made huge strides the last 2 years from us staying together and some intervention therapy. The OW's marriage failed because of the affair. The husband said he forgave her but used the affair as an excuse to essentially rape her. He would basically roll over, pull down her pants and start having sex with her. If she objected, the affair was thrown in her face. We went NC for about a month but started talking again, when he caught her, he ended the marriage. I ended the affair in the summer of 2010 and was pretty happy until recently. Lately, my wife has started slipping back into her old habits that drove me to stray: in a bad mood most of the time, prone to fits of rage, rarely wants to do anything (especially spend time with friends), does very little housework (she works part time) and the frequency of sex has been falling off to maybe twice a month (it was 2 to 3 times a week). She has been on an antidepressant but won't take it right now (had to change for insurance reason). She is in a bad job situation but won't look for another job (probably due to the work ethic she learned from her Dad). I told her I would pay for the anti-depressant that works better for her but she still won't go to her doctor to get back on the meds. Just today, she left me a voicemail full of foul language because she was having problems finding a parking spot at our sons' Christmas Program today (I took the boys ahead of her). I have my suspicions on what is causing this recent slide into prior behavior. I think a big part is job stress. Financially we are ok. We just finished Financial Peace University and working to pay off debt but we live within our means. I have stayed in contact with the fOW since the affair ended. We have talked a few times a month. Until recently, I did not have the desire to be with her because i knew life with her would be very hard. It would be hard financially (she doesn't have a career and has quite a bit of debt), I would be ostracized from some friends, and it probably would strain relations with my family. Most of the time, talking to her convinced me that I made the right decision to stay. Lately, I have been feeling something different. One evening about 3 weeks ago, the fOW and I were texting back and forth and we talked about how we bonded. I clicked with this woman more than any other woman in my life. I can tell she is the type of woman that would bend over backwards to make a man happy if he treated her right. Through the conversation, she said she cares about what worries me (family issues) and that she would try to make my life fulfilled to the point that those issues wouldn't bother me as much. She also said that if the opportunity for us to be together again in a relationship, not an affair, she would like that. She said the craves the intimacy that we shared but at the same time, she is afraid to hold out hope for us being together. I am starting to wonder if I do love my wife. I care for the fOW deeply but at the same time, I don't think it would take much to fall in love with her again. I really don't have that "love of my life" feeling for my wife. She treats me much better than she used to but at the same time, I fear she is slipping back into her old habits. I am also being surrounded by divorce. My BIL has left his wife and wants a divorce (they were married 1 week after we were) and my best friend from high school who is currently deployed in Afghanistan is probably getting a divorce when he gets back later on this month. I could shut up, stay and more than likely be ok... maybe not fulfilled but I would be ok and maybe even happy in time again. I am afraid the fOW could be the love of my life given how well we bonded. I also wonder if I am too weak to walk away. I always thought my BIL would never never walk away from his wife because I didn't think he would be strong enough but he did a week ago and hasn't come crawling back...
frozensprouts Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 rickybobby, my response will probably not be the one you would like to hear, but please take in the spirit in which it was intended... my first question would be: you seem to be placing all of the blame for the state of your marriage on your wife. you also seem to be blaming her for your decision to cheat. where does YOUR responsibility in all of this lie? you complain about your wife and that she is depressed...given what your choices have put her through, can you blame her? if you were in her position, how would you feel? second: the affair ended, yet you stayed in contact with your other woman...did your wife know ( i would imagine she suspected this)? again, how do you think this made her feel? if you were in her shoes, do you think that you might lash out , get very depressed and sad, get stressed out, etc.? ( it may not just be work that is causing her stress) third: something about your other womans story about her husband "raping" her makes no sense...if you were a woman be abused in this way, would you try to maintain the marriage when you have an obvious chance to get out? he's the one that ended it, not her... what does this tell you? fourth: ( this is more of a series of comments than questions...sorry if i seem to verbose...please accept my apologies) you say you stayed because you have a son with signs of auutism/aspergers- about this- get him tested and if it is needed, get therapy for him right away...it will make big difference for him( i say this from experience). also, if he does have this issue, what do you think the upheaval caused by you cheating did to his routine? don't you think that was disruptive...what about the consequences it caused to their mom...what effect do you think that has had on him and your other kid(s)? you've also put your wife in the position where she not only has to worry about her son, but also about your cheating and whether or not your marriage will survive...again,how would that make you feel and act if the situation were reversed? and you have extended her pain by keeping in contact with your other woman...no wonder your wife is having problems...who wouldn't? seriously...you need to smarten the heck up , sit down with your wife, talk to her about how you are reconsidering your relationships with her and your other woman ( not really former, as you never really were out of contact) and let your wife decide what she wants to do. you have no right to put her through any more crud, and then place the blame for it on her. I'm not saying that the state of your marriage is not partly her fault....but you have a pretty big share of it coming your way. stop putting all the blame on her, and either commit to be in your marriage 100% or get out....it will be better for your wife,you,your kids and your other women too...she won't be left hanging while you sort out what you want. ( and please don't say that you should stay married for your kids, but continue your affair for "you"...that is crap and will do more damage to them than leaving ever could, especially if one of your kids has issues like autism/aspergers
bentnotbroken Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Stayed in contact with OW and stayed married. I think that would equal a successful reconciliation.
Spark1111 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hmm...she has an abusive H now out of the picture and you claim to have a depressed and angry wife. Do you think it would be as wonderful with this OW if you both shared the 24/7 care of a special needs child like you and your wife do? I think, if you do divorce your W and wind up with your OW, you should fight for full custody of your child. This way, you can truly compare apples to apples and see how wonderful your OW continues to be towards you with this overwhelming responsibility all day every day. Or, you can take the easy way out, like many, many, others and just leave the hard work to your wife as you sail off into a life of relative ease with your OW where YOU can be the center of attention while your then xW picks up the slack with your child.
Darren Steez Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 ...just waiting for your wife to frog march you into OW's woman's bed and the delusion will be complete
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I like how you blame your wife for your reason to cheat in the past and your reasons to cheat now. Nice. Do your wife a huge favour and divorce her now. You don't love or respect her, never did and you never will. She deserves a man who will love, support and care for her on every level and not use some stupid excuse to go have an affair. Already you didn't learn from the last time..Communication. You're ready to cheat because things aren't as good as they once were with your wife..
18Years2Late Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 Did he say...I STAYED FOR THE KIDS?????... Couldn't be...my eyes must b deceiving me...no MM ever in the history of time has dumped the OW after dday bc they needed to "stay for the kids"...gosh...someone call Guiness... OP...you're a history maker...are you sure we can't convince u that your crazy nuts and your kids mean nothing...and you stayed only bc of your LOVE for your W???...otherwise u really might not fit in well here... All sarcasm aside...I hope you find what makes u happy...life is short...never settle... P.S. I'm staying for my kids to...fOW here...wanting to b somewhere else...But...
nofool4u Posted December 13, 2011 Posted December 13, 2011 The OW's marriage failed because of the affair. The husband said he forgave her but used the affair as an excuse to essentially rape her. He would basically roll over, pull down her pants and start having sex with her. If she objected, the affair was thrown in her face. We went NC for about a month but started talking again, when he caught her, he ended the marriage. Ya ya, I'm sure thats exactly how it went down. More like he wanted to have sex with his wife, but being the cheater she is, isn't interested in having sex with the same man she has been with forever. So she rejects him, of course he'll throw that in her face. So good for him for getting rid of her when he found out she was still talking to you. I ended the affair in the summer of 2010 and was pretty happy until recently. Lately, my wife has started slipping back into her old habits that drove me to stray: Oh here we go. It was her fault you decided to cheat. in a bad mood most of the time, prone to fits of rage, rarely wants to do anything (especially spend time with friends), does very little housework (she works part time) and the frequency of sex has been falling off to maybe twice a month (it was 2 to 3 times a week). Could it have anything to do with being with a man that has the character to cheat? Could being in a bad mood have anything to do with you? I have my suspicions on what is causing this recent slide into prior behavior. I think a big part is job stress. And part of it more likely because she is hitting an angry stage over the fact her husband is a cheater. I have stayed in contact with the fOW since the affair ended. Well there you go. You get to stay in contact with your side piece. That being the case you can't say you are in tune with the marriage, therefore, don't expect your wife to be either. Its like you want everything to go exactly the way you think it should, but still get to talk to the OW. One evening about 3 weeks ago, the fOW and I were texting back and forth and we talked about how we bonded. I clicked with this woman more than any other woman in my life. I can tell she is the type of woman that would bend over backwards to make a man happy if he treated her right. One great reason to get a divorce. Because something tells me if your wife were able to find a guy that won't cheat, she can be happy and will have a better outlook on life. Works both ways. Your wife, whether directly or indirectly, is not being treated right by you. Hence maybe the reason for her depression? But I'll digress. I know this isn't about what could be good for your wife. I am starting to wonder if I do love my wife. Well since you cheated on her and never gave up your OW, the answer is a resounding no. Maybe love like you'd love a sister, but not in love with her. I care for the fOW deeply but at the same time, I don't think it would take much to fall in love with her again. I really don't have that "love of my life" feeling for my wife. She treats me much better than she used to but at the same time, I fear she is slipping back into her old habits. Uh, hmmm. Maybe its because you still are in contact with the OW. You get to do that, but are critical of her mood? Get real. Whether she knows you are still in contact with OW or not, the fact that you are indicates you aren't in tune with the M. And your wife probably indirectly picks up on that. So here you are expecting her to treat you like a king, but aren't going to honor that which you expect by staying away from the OW. Sorry, you are losing credibility here. I could shut up, stay and more than likely be ok... maybe not fulfilled but I would be ok and maybe even happy in time again. I am afraid the fOW could be the love of my life given how well we bonded. I also wonder if I am too weak to walk away. I always thought my BIL would never never walk away from his wife because I didn't think he would be strong enough but he did a week ago and hasn't come crawling back... Make a decision either way. 1) get rid of the OW for good and put effort into your marriage. Because as long as you are still contacting OW, you are not putting in the effort to your marriage. And knowing this, I can't blame your wife for slipping back to anger and depression. or 2) get a divorce, set your wife free, and take your chances on whether you can have something with OW or not. Your indecision or fear of the unknown shouldn't be your wife's problem.
FelicityShot Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 OP, are you saying that if things are not great with your W, your thoughts return to the OW in a romantic sense? Cos that actually isn't a very romantic stance. For either woman. I suspect that someone truly in love, would not be perfectly happy in a R which precluded a good deal of intimacy with the beloved. And you were perfectly happy for more than a year in your M post A. I am guessing you are over, or were never truly into, your AP. And that you need to sort out yourself. Either that, or you should add some more info to the thread. I have to say, you sound so disconnected from your feelings that I thought you were a troll. Perhaps others too thought this, because not much response, and no news from you.......
frozensprouts Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Did he say...I STAYED FOR THE KIDS?????... Couldn't be...my eyes must b deceiving me...no MM ever in the history of time has dumped the OW after dday bc they needed to "stay for the kids"...gosh...someone call Guiness... OP...you're a history maker...are you sure we can't convince u that your crazy nuts and your kids mean nothing...and you stayed only bc of your LOVE for your W???...otherwise u really might not fit in well here... All sarcasm aside...I hope you find what makes u happy...life is short...never settle... P.S. I'm staying for my kids to...fOW here...wanting to b somewhere else...But... actually, i think most people agree that he doesn't love his wife ( don't think he really loves the other woman either...seems like he mostly just loves himself) and that she'd be way better off without him. yet he chooses to stay with his wife while still carrying on with his other woman, all the while saying he is doing it for his son? piffle! it's hurting his kids way more to see what their dad is putting their mom through than his leaving ever could op- for goodness sake....if you don't love your wife then GO...she'd be better off and so would your kids
Breezy Trousers Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 Hmm...she has an abusive H now out of the picture and you claim to have a depressed and angry wife. Do you think it would be as wonderful with this OW if you both shared the 24/7 care of a special needs child like you and your wife do? I think, if you do divorce your W and wind up with your OW, you should fight for full custody of your child. This way, you can truly compare apples to apples and see how wonderful your OW continues to be towards you with this overwhelming responsibility all day every day. Or, you can take the easy way out, like many, many, others and just leave the hard work to your wife as you sail off into a life of relative ease with your OW where YOU can be the center of attention while your then xW picks up the slack with your child. I totally agree. How would your darling OW handle your wife's responsibilities? You've already mentioned your OW can't control her financial life. (Sidebar: Ever notice how many OW routinely live far beyond their means -- e.g., have filed for bankruptcy, are legitimately struggling to support multiple kids on a stretched single income, have lost a home, have no meaningful savings, and/or routinely drive & wear high-status items on low-status salaries? Are MM too blinded by "love" to notice there might be an iron-fisted intention behind the OW's sweet, rapt devotion? ) Your OW's ability to put you at the center of her life may very well change if and when she successfully bags you ... I'd love to do a poll on MM 5 to 10 years AFTER they've left their families for OW. Assuming the affairs-turned-marriages are still together at that point -- and statistics say there's only a 3 percent change of that -- I bet the men would ROFL if asked if the same "angelic" OW-turned-wives were continuing to put them front & center 5 or 10 years later. Truth is, self-centered people are great at seduction but notoriously bad at long-term relationships. Things tend to go to hell in a hurry, with or without a special needs child on the scene. Anyway, RB, she's your OW, not your FOW. If you're still in contact with her, you're still in the affair. It doesn't matter if you're not sleeping with her and it doesn't matter if you only talk to her several times a month. The only way out of any affair is no contact. Until then, you're a typical cake eater gaslighting your wife and fake futuring the OW by keeping her on the hook with your occasional conversations. I doubt you're telling your wife about these conversations. In fact, it's probably your gaslighting that's making your wife so disagreeable. She suspects something but can't prove it. Gaslighting makes people crazy. I recommend you end the affair and focus all your attention on your marriage for a change. You'll probably see a difference straightaway. If you put the same loving attention on your wife and on telling the truth instead of on OW and deception, you'd probably experience huge breakthroughs ..... You can't drive a car if your foot is continually on the brake.
Decimated Posted December 14, 2011 Posted December 14, 2011 The husband said he forgave her but used the affair as an excuse to essentially rape her. He would basically roll over, pull down her pants and start having sex with her. If she objected, the affair was thrown in her face. Is this what your OW told you? My WW's OM wrote me a message saying that I was raping my wife like this every time I had sex with her...guess what...never happened! Our sex life after D day was consensual. In fact, she was the initiator. She had told him this so he would think that she didn't want to have sex with me. She felt like she was cheating on him as well. Cheaters are dishonest...with everyone...including their affair partners.
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