Stilnaught Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 Hey all, i've been single for a few months now ... However, my ex and i are still in touch. Véry in touch. We broke up because she felt she had to "enjoy her youth" (she's younger than me, and was just 18 when we got together) and she wants to look what else life could offer her (including other guys, bien sur ...). I translate this in "life with you got boring". Now, i've been thinking about her constantly. Where she is, what she does, who she has been seeing, ... She says she has feelings for some other guy, who is, i'm using a friends' words here, "a social retard & ugly as a mule". She says she does not see anything serious come from this, but she enjoys "having the butterflies". She didn't kiss him yet, because she wants to enjoy his stage as long as possible. She talks to me by sms or instant messenger every day, sometimes for hours. She gives me hope & grows back into me a bit, only to find herself compromised & retreat again. This happened a few times, always to restart. I still get to hear everything about her, even things her parents will never get to hear. Long story short: i've had it. I love her as much as day 1, because of how she looks, what she does, what she thinks, what she likes, how she smiles, even how clumsy she can be ... But the way she's living & thinking (she's VERY insecure) & how i responded to that (or often refused to) made our relationship impossible. There were mistakes on my behalf, most of which i adressed or am adressing. She constantly talks about me and our relationship as "perfect", that i am the only one who she ever felt a connection with on such a high level, only disrupted because of circumstances ... She wants me in her life as a friend, i tend to understand: possibly to try again on the long term. Not something i want to hear at any rate. Now, i want to go up to her & express my love, and force her to choose between giving it another attempt under these new circumstances (i've changed, something which my environment already noticed without me opening up all too much about this matter), or to live forever with the memory & the dreams, as i would like the small-talk to stop, as i cannot move on like this. I'm broken. I can't get over her like this, she's still in my life. But i'm still madly in love with her. I'd like to do this, to get redemption from myself, to talk about everything that burdens my soul, to tell her about my unchanged love for who she is and how it weighs on my life ... Should i play this all-or-nothing card? See how she reacts on my final declaration of love, to get either her or closure?
BoredAgain Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 You'd be amazed at how common your situation is. The relationship is going great when, out of nowhere, she wants try living the single life. Usually that involves more drinking, new friends, and a new guy-friend. In fact, same thing just happened to me a couple weeks ago. You can give her the "all-or-nothing" ultimatum, but don't be surprised when you don't get the answer you want. Right now she has it all. She's doing the single thing plus she has you as a "friend" (they always want to be friends). Frankly, I'm surprised you made it a "few months" as friends... I couldn't do that. The best thing to do in my opinion (and I'm betting it's also going to be the common advice around here) is to do the No Contact thing. Just tell her that you want to let her have fun, but you need some time and space from her so that you can move forward with your own life. Then end all communications, block her on facebook, ignore her calls/texts/emails, etc. Work on yourself and your life, and keep this up until you're healed from the relationship. And check out this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/ It might ring some bells for you.
smudge21 Posted December 11, 2011 Posted December 11, 2011 I totally understand the all or nothing thing. You love her and don't want to be just her friend. Same thing happened to me and I ended up saying goodbye. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do as I was lying to myself. I wasn't happy seeing her just as a friend when she'd been in my arms only weeks earlier. You need to take control of this as by giving her this ultimatum you do run the risk of her taking the "nothing" option. Quite frankly too, it does look like she's already made her decision and is keeping you around "just in case" or simply to feed her own ego. Decide what it is you want - can you handle being her friend, hearing about her new lover, or in the case of me, seeing them get engaged. But in the same sense, can you handle no longer seeing her. Yes, there is always a chance that she may miss you and come running back, but don't bank on this and don't aim for it. It's a tough call but one only you can make. Good luck.
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