Author Luna06 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 I've actually felt like this before. I walked out of a relationship with a total asshat and decided I'd never be with someone like that again. So, one day I met a guy, and I scrutinized every little thing about him and decided he was "future husband material" so I pursued a relationship with him despite the fact that he was younger than me. I even posted about it here on this forum and was encouraged to go ahead with it. So I did, and a little over a year after that, he proposed and I accepted. The relationship has had its ups and downs but he is a good person and will make a great husband and father for my children. I feel attracted to him, and sex is good (and constantly improving), but it's not that overwhelming physical attraction and chemistry that I felt for the asshat I was with before him. And you know what I realized? Eeyore has it absolutely correct. In retrospect, I see clearly that when we are with a man like that, who treats us like dirt and we know will never fully commit to us... it's not him we want, it's what we can't have. It's the rush and the validation when he does finally reciprocate (even though it's only for a short period of time) and we become addicted to the emotional rush. But this dynamic doesn't lead to a stable relationship and a happy life together. It leads to misery and finding yourself over 30, single, and wondering why all good men are taken and you can only find jerks. If he is a man you can see yourself with the rest of your life, stick with him. They are far and few between, and they only become more and more rare as you get older and the good ones get married and form families of their own. Attractiveness and chemistry are not going to be there forever, regardless of who you end up with. And this works both ways. It may be great in the beginning but if you place a heavy weight on chemistry in your relationship, who's to say he won't leave YOU when he finds someone he feels better chemistry with? Think about it. Best of luck, -A Thanks. This sounds really encouraging. I feel exactly the way you did in that when I met him and was getting to know him, "I scrutinized every little thing about him and decided he was "future husband material"." And the longer I am with him the more I realize he really is LTR material and is ideal in so many of the ways that matter. I think it scares me sometimes, because I don't have experience with actively looking for those qualities. I have always let romance just sort of "happen", in that I meet someone, there is a strong pull of attraction, we pursue it, and the compatibility (or lack thereof) becomes reveals itself as the relationship unfolds.
Author Luna06 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 Eeyore and xxoo express thoughts similar to my own. I don't think you should completely ignore chemistry. The big question is, is the list of admirable qualities in your BF/partner something you truly admire and love, or more a list of qualities you think you should admire and love (and/or would impress others)? If it's more like "wow I landed this guy that seems great in so many ways, he's kind, thoughtful, intelligent but I have no real desire to touch him, hug him, he actually kinda feels like my brother" then I would move on. If however you do feel warm and loved and desire to hold/cuddle/talk/simply "be with" him then I think that's good chemistry, even if it's not "fireworks." I have chemistry with my BF but there are times when it's just at a low simmer, not a boil. If there's never been anything beyond a low simmer but "this is a good guy I'm not getting younger I should just accept what I can get" then I'd think more seriously about that. Well, the good qualities he has are things that I truly admire and that I think I should admire due to the fact I want to eventually get married. He doesn't feel like a brother. I like getting physical with him and find him attractive, but it's definitely been stronger with other guys. And yes, I do feel like he's a good guy and I am not getting any younger and that if I give him up I risk not being able to find those qualities again. But that isn't the only thing factoring into my decision. It increases the stakes and the pressure a little bit since I am at an age where the long term is important to me. But he is really great, and I am attracted to him.
Author Luna06 Posted December 27, 2011 Author Posted December 27, 2011 If your exs would have made your ideal life partner, then chances are you can strike it again, and maybe you should let this guy go. I have two exes, neither of which would have been as good a life partner as my current bf. I almost made it to relationship stage a few years ago with a guy who was pretty much the total package. Everything current bf has plus I had mind-blowing attraction to him. He left for his ex about 5 weeks into dating me and later married her (turns out he wasn't over her but was trying to move on and they decided to give it another go). So it's hard to say I guess if he was really as perfect as I thought him to be, since it was only 5 weeks. I feel bad about it, but sometimes I find myself comparing the current bf to this guy. Mainly for the attraction aspect and partly because the previous guy had the same career as me and we could therefore talk about a lot more topics than I can with current guy. But if I am not thinking about comparing my bf to anything (which is most of the time) I feel very happy with him. I don't really have a complete picture of the previous guy anyway, having only known him for a little while. I went NC when I found out he was still into his ex.
CarrieT Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Once things like kids come along, a super intense connection is going to be necessary to keep the bond strong, right? I believe the exact opposite because -- for me -- that "chemistry" thing has never lasted so it is the OTHER THINGS that make the bond strong; the mutual respect and admiration and commonality of life-philosophy. I just find myself comparing it to that high feeling I have had in the past. Seriously - can you tell me how long that high feeling has ever lasted? My longest was 14 months. That high cannot be maintained and what exists after that? Luna, what is the longest relationship you have ever had? I am not pointing fingers; I am genuinely curious. I am in my late 20's), but I have never really done this previously so it is a big deal to me and the stakes are high. This speaks volumes to me. I am in my late 40s and it took me a long time to learn all these things. I have a lot of anxiety and feel pressure to get things 'right'. Stop. Slow down. The only pressure you are feeling is self-induced. There is no reason or need you need to make these decisions now. Give yourself the space to settle into what feels right - and know that it may not happen until your 30s.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I have two exes, neither of which would have been as good a life partner as my current bf. I almost made it to relationship stage a few years ago with a guy who was pretty much the total package. Everything current bf has plus I had mind-blowing attraction to him. He left for his ex about 5 weeks into dating me and later married her (turns out he wasn't over her but was trying to move on and they decided to give it another go). So it's hard to say I guess if he was really as perfect as I thought him to be, since it was only 5 weeks. I feel bad about it, but sometimes I find myself comparing the current bf to this guy. Mainly for the attraction aspect and partly because the previous guy had the same career as me and we could therefore talk about a lot more topics than I can with current guy. But if I am not thinking about comparing my bf to anything (which is most of the time) I feel very happy with him. I don't really have a complete picture of the previous guy anyway, having only known him for a little while. I went NC when I found out he was still into his ex. Of course, you fell hard for the dude. You were the rebound chick. Rebound women always fall hard for the dude who grieves over his ex. And that's the reason why you put him in such an idealized position. If you weren't the rebound chick, you wouldn't have been as attracted to him. And you would have found some lame excuse for being picky.
Author Luna06 Posted December 28, 2011 Author Posted December 28, 2011 Seriously - can you tell me how long that high feeling has ever lasted? My longest was 14 months. That high cannot be maintained and what exists after that? Luna, what is the longest relationship you have ever had? I am not pointing fingers; I am genuinely curious. Longest relationship was 6 months. Ended when I was 24. I am now 28. Stop. Slow down. The only pressure you are feeling is self-induced. There is no reason or need you need to make these decisions now. Give yourself the space to settle into what feels right - and know that it may not happen until your 30s. My mom tells me I am worrying too much and I should just "go with" things and see what happens because I have a good thing going on. In other words, in her opinion my anxieties are all self-induced. Maybe I just need to relax.
Content Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Women annoy me with all this esoteric "chemistry" talk I think some women get brianwashed by romantic comedies and think if every minute of a relationship isnt intense and if u first meet someone music doesnt play int he background and its only the two of u that exist that theres no "chemistry"
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Women annoy me with all this esoteric "chemistry" talk I think some women get brianwashed by romantic comedies and think if every minute of a relationship isnt intense and if u first meet someone music doesnt play int he background and its only the two of u that exist that theres no "chemistry" women annoy all men with this crap about chemistry. you're definitely not alone, dude.
kaylan Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 I think your post was very nice and inspiring; and by no means do I mean to undermine your thoughts, but I have to comment on some points. Chemistry is a great thing, but it comes at the beginning. Then comes the "in love" (or infatuation) and then the true love. When one decides years down the road that the chemistry is not there, it's re-evaluating the relationship as if it's five days and not five years old. Relationships mature in a certain way. It's normal to feel more safe and friendly after several years with someone. It's normal to feel no challenge or burning passion after you've seen someone in all kinds of situations, after you've learned all about them and seen them at their best and worst and anything in between. Of course it's not the same feeling as when you've just met someone and all they do is smile, smell good and make you laugh. All I could think to myself when I read this was "babe if only more women(and men too) had this realistic and mature view of what real love is" I seriously wanted to marry you when reading that because its so spot on lol. Many people dont know what real love is. True love comes much later in a relationship, way after the honeymoon phase...but I feel that if there is real love there, you go through different stages all the time. You create many different honeymoon phases while your together because you love that person so much and couldnt be apart from them. At least thats what I think. Hopefully I find a girl like that whos very dedicated once she loves someone.
CarrieT Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Longest relationship was 6 months. Ended when I was 24. I am now 28. Then you are set in the ways of having only experienced the "chemistry" aspect of relationships and don't realize yet that it DOES NOT LAST. If this guy isn't the one, you need to establish a relationship with someone that gives you the butterflies, etc. But then have that relationship last two or three years -- being careful to not get married in the first twelve months! -- to see and experience the longevity of that very thing I am talking about. My mom tells me I am worrying too much and I should just "go with" things and see what happens because I have a good thing going on. In other words, in her opinion my anxieties are all self-induced. Maybe I just need to relax. Yes, yes, yes. Listen to your mother and stop beating yourself up over this. It is called maturing and gaining experience. You will be fine - just don't push it and don't expect bells-and-whistles all the time. And especially don't believe that it lasts. As to Oxy and Content - ignore them. They don't have a clue what they are talking about.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 As to Oxy and Content - ignore them. They don't have a clue what they are talking about. Content and I are giving the blunt male perspective here. Many guys believe all this talk about chemistry is garbage. It's just an excuse for women to be picky and seem less slutty.
ThaWholigan Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Content and I are giving the blunt male perspective here. Many guys believe all this talk about chemistry is garbage. It's just an excuse for women to be picky and seem less slutty. This is just the way they interpret attraction IMO. I don't think it is just an excuse, I personally think they put way too much stock into it, but it's probably rather difficult for them not too. I am a black man, but I am attracted to light-skinned (mixed raced) girls even slightly above girls of my own race. I can't help it, I see one and I am like . I'd imagine when women are attracted to someone or a particular trait in someone, they have this same effect. And it's not just the conventional looks either, it could be how they carry themselves physically overall, as well as the way they speak. Numerous factors get added into the whole "chemistry" argument, which is why it is still valid to me, even though other guys have trouble understanding it. Maybe this is why some of us aren't as successful as we could be - not understand "chemistry"
kaylan Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Im one of the guys in this discussion who feels chemistry is important. So you two cant speak for all men. A lot of dudes I know put girls in the friends or FWB category since they see no future due to lack of actually chemistry.
ThaWholigan Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Im one of the guys in this discussion who feels chemistry is important. So you two cant speak for all men. A lot of dudes I know put girls in the friends or FWB category since they see no future due to lack of actually chemistry. This is very true, seen it happen. But then again, most of the guys I know have quite a few options dating wise. I know some guys that don't care how incompatible or even how badly she treats him, they hold onto her for dear life for fear of going back to the right hand .
jobaba Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 What YOU describe as chemistry, I describe as a group of random emotional feelings that can be construed as 'love'. Now ... if I, MYSELF followed these very feelings at this very moment, I'd dump the girl I'm currently dating who is really reliable and good to me and start chasing a woman who recently rejected me that I know has no romantic interest in me whatsoever. I could be at her house in two hours flat. Can you say ... STALKER? That's how it starts. I have also been in a relationship with a woman where I had strong emotional feelings for her and it blinded me to how nutty and controlling she was. Yes, those feelings eventually faded. Of course, people more successful at dating than me often feel like they need to have it all in their partner. So, if you think you can get the whole shebang, go for it.
phineas Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 The word "chemistry" makes me want to A woman either wants to tear a guys clothes off or she doesn't. If the there is nothing wrong with the man but she isn't attracted to him she uses the word "chemistry" instead of just admitting he doesn't do it for her. If everything is wrong with the guy (ex-con, thug, looser ect ) and she's attracted to him, she blames it on chemistry as an excuse to get with him. I honestly don't think I could ever seriously date a woman that uses "chemistry" as an excuse for her actions. I'd rather they told me I was just too fat for them. Oh wait, they have. And now that i'm no longer fat their sniffing around. I know why & they know I know why. At least they were honest.
jobaba Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 The word "chemistry" makes me want to A woman either wants to tear a guys clothes off or she doesn't. If the there is nothing wrong with the man but she isn't attracted to him she uses the word "chemistry" instead of just admitting he doesn't do it for her. If everything is wrong with the guy (ex-con, thug, looser ect ) and she's attracted to him, she blames it on chemistry as an excuse to get with him. Well. She said she thinks the guy is good looking, so it's more of an emotional thing. There's so many female posters here who rely on emotions to guide them to the right partner. It's making me start to think the PUA tactics preying on emotions might actually have merit.
ThaWholigan Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Well. She said she thinks the guy is good looking, so it's more of an emotional thing. There's so many female posters here who rely on emotions to guide them to the right partner. It's making me start to think the PUA tactics preying on emotions might actually have merit. PUA works 100%. It's not what people say it is....
phineas Posted December 28, 2011 Posted December 28, 2011 Well. She said she thinks the guy is good looking, so it's more of an emotional thing. There's so many female posters here who rely on emotions to guide them to the right partner. It's making me start to think the PUA tactics preying on emotions might actually have merit. OP stated "Specifically, I have not felt the level of intense connection and physical chemistry with him that I have with some old flames of mine. I began dating him with the long term in mind and focused on his qualities as a partner more than on physical chemistry, but now I am starting to wonder if that was a bad decision. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being no physical/romantic chemistry and 10 being the greatest I have experienced, I would give us a 6.5 to a 7. Is that enough?" Basically, she don't want to rip his clothes off & get freaky with him. That's going to end badly if she marries this guy, has children then meets someone she is highly sexually attracted to. Just head on up to the cheating section to read all about that. Hell, I lived it. I know what happens.
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