He's a great life partner but chemistry is only moderate. Too picky?

[ChessPieceFace]

it does not exist.

 

the asshatery is what you are attracted to.

 

Quoted again for truth. Read, OP, and learn something.

[callingyouuu]

I can think of two situations in which you might feel this way. Only you know which one applies.

 

The first situation is where you just aren't attracted to this guy, and he's more like a friend. You feel turned off at the thought of having sex with him, and if you're honest you don't even want to kiss him. You have a relationship of convenience, and while he's a lovely person and a good friend, you really don't feel any romantic love or admiration for him. In this situation your best move is to end the relationship and look for someone else.

 

The second situation is where you are attracted to him - he's good looking, you admire and respect him, and you enjoy having sex with him. The problem is, he just doesn't excite you.

 

Ok, stop right there. Is it possible that what you think of as excitement is actually the insecurity, uncertainty and nervousness that you've previously felt when in a relationship with a total asshat? The guy is unreliable and you're constantly on edge wondering how he feels, your heart leaps when the phone rings, and when he expresses interest you get all excited and flushed. Then when he backs off you feel nervous and on edge again, and you end up riding this emotional rollercoaster between the highs and lows of excitement and stress. Sure, the emotional drama can be addictive and exciting, but it's ultimately tiring and lacking in stability.

 

Your boyfriend is stable and reliable, and is always there for you when you need him. You don't feel nervous and stressed, you don't wonder if he's going to call and get all excited when the phone rings. Your relationship doesn't have those addictive highs and lows, and you don't have that longing ache in your tummy. But you have something else - a calm, quiet trust in this man, a feeling of deep love and a sense that you can rely on him. Yeah, it's different from the emotional rollercoaster of previous relationships, and it's easy to mistake that calm happy feeling for a lack of chemistry. Learning to distinguish between excitement and chemistry, between emotional drama and genuine love is a key part of maturing.

 

Oh wow. Post of the year. I've been trying to figure out how to express this very concept for years, and this pretty much hits it out of the park.

[kaylan]

Eeyore and xxoo express thoughts similar to my own.

 

I don't think you should completely ignore chemistry. The big question is, is the list of admirable qualities in your BF/partner something you truly admire and love, or more a list of qualities you think you should admire and love (and/or would impress others)?

 

If it's more like "wow I landed this guy that seems great in so many ways, he's kind, thoughtful, intelligent but I have no real desire to touch him, hug him, he actually kinda feels like my brother" then I would move on.

 

If however you do feel warm and loved and desire to hold/cuddle/talk/simply "be with" him then I think that's good chemistry, even if it's not "fireworks." I have chemistry with my BF but there are times when it's just at a low simmer, not a boil.

 

If there's never been anything beyond a low simmer but "this is a good guy I'm not getting younger I should just accept what I can get" then I'd think more seriously about that.

 

 

OP see Olive said in bold. Thats what i think you are feeling.

 

For me what makes a girl worth being with in the long haul is this:

 

-Crazy chemistry...my ex and I had super mental chemistry but very different kissing styles when we started dating. We kinda assumed the lack of physical clicking meant something was amiss. However we meshed our styles and boom...like a freight train...a bunch of chemistry hit us. Then all it would take is just one passionate hard kiss and wed be ripping each others clothing off. The sexual part is what kept us together during our rocky times.

 

-Mental chemistry/personality clicking...Having someone who is your best pal. You get excited talking to them about almost anything. You guys share some of the same ideals, goals and morals too. Seeing that this person has a good head on there shoulders and would make a good partner and is empathetic and not selfish regarding someone elses needs.

 

-Emotional chemistry/lovey dovey...that longing feeling when you arent with them. You could spend a day this person just wrapped up in each other in a bed. No sex...just enjoying that the person is there with you. Have you ever just lied in bed and held someone and just let out this huge sigh because you are so happy and warm in your chest to have them with you? That feeling. Plus also knowing that you are committed to them...they got your only heart.

[kaylan]

At 18 I'd have agreed with you. At 41 not so much. Intense chemistry is rare in the happiest marriages and chemitry can build. The OP could take initiative and spice things up. Couples down my street married 50 years are CONTENT. That's different that a continual state of excitement. thatone is spot on.

Dude.

 

Firstly, I never liked the word content. Most of the time Ive heard it used, people use it when they are just OK with something. Not super happy.

 

Chemistry waxes and wanes. The reason many people stay committed and HAPPY is a lot of times due to chemistry. Sometimes its a big roaring chimney fire, but sometimes if a slow burning match stick flame.

 

The couple down your street are from a different era too, where people dont get divorced and dont show when they are unhappy. My best friends grandparents are a great example. If my best friend never told me, Id have no idea they didnt sleep in the same bed and the passion and love was dull. That grandma was unhappy and just stayed together for the sake of the latino family unit.

 

Again I say that Chemistry waxes and wanes. It takes work and commitment to making it work. Just like everything in a relationship.

 

Sure things may slow down, but if chemistry wasnt there in the first place, you gotta ask yourself whats the deal. Its one thing for it to grow over the first few weeks or first month of dating....but after 3 months like the OP...id be wondering too.

 

Like with me and my ex, it was all in the kiss. Sometimes just the way a person knows how to read someones body can do it. But chemistry isnt just sexual. If a girl lack an emotional or mental draw...Id be wondering too. And mental chemistry is the biggest thing for me. I need a woman who can intellectually spar with me. Smart and complicated gals are my weak spot. They know how to knock me down a peg since I tend to be mentally aggressive. I likey

[kaylan]

She's your EX. The elderly couples down my street some married fifty years have more than a simmer but not crazy chemistry all the time.

Her being my ex doesnt invalidate what I said.

 

I still saw her as a potential wife.

 

As I said, chemistry is wax and wane. Its not crazy all the time, but you need intense chemistry in the first place.

 

All the threads you see about sexless marriages or marriages that have gone stale usually have one big thing in common. They were a slow simmer from the get go. Boring and tame...usually someone settled.

 

One of the spouses a lot of the time never felt super attracted to their partner...be it emotionally, physically or mentally.

 

I believe if an alarm is going off in someones head telling them they arent getting everything they desire in a relationship...then they should leave.

 

People need someone they click with in many areas...thats how it is. Id rather OP find someone she is sure of herself with and someone who meets all of her needs rather than her always wondering if she settled. A lot of women end up settling just for the security and family stuff....which is all well and good...but a lot of the time what happens is they bail when they finally meet the person who is not only a great family man, but also sets their heart on fire.

Edited December 11, 2011 by kaylan

[ascendotum]

Most guys thrive on positive feedback. The chemistry is as much your responsibility as it is as 'natural phenomenon'. This is something you can certainly improve on if you can figure out exactly what that 'chemistry' means to you.

 

Don't hide behind the mystery of the word 'chemistry'. Take the time to figure out for yourself exactly what it is in a relationship, or in a guy, that makes you feel it (or not). Take responsibility for the success of your own relationships and you'll have much more success.

 

Good post.

 

Its hard to say, if you are too picky. I get where you're coming from. Your middle paragraph is a little bleak, and I'd be inclined to say leave this guy, but..

 

There are heaps of people out there who go through this dilemma. Their partner has many great qualities but the chemistry is just not there, and they wonder about the long term. When it comes to chemistry are you talking desire or how your personalities sync & the rapport you to have together? The latter is much more important from a LT perspective. You have to weigh up the short term pros + cons with the long term pros + cons with your guy. If your exs would have made your ideal life partner, then chances are you can strike it again, and maybe you should let this guy go.

 

You say this though..'but notably with those guys it didn't get to the relationship stage'. It sounds like the intense passion was just with flings. If thats the case, then past chemistry is simply from hot guys who were great at charming you into bed and possibly great in the sack, but thats about it. These guys didnt want you for a GF let alone spend a lifetime with you. It sounds like you really haven’t struck gold in the past when it comes to your ideal partner. The older you are the harder it gets to find a 'great partner' with all the ideal qualities you want and who you also lust after, but you realise this. No one can make this decision for you and you have to do what you think is the best in the LT and have no regret.

[kaylan]

Expectations must be REALISTIC. I had the most intense chemistry in passionate sexual relationships when I was a young teen. It was something but it didn't last. Sexless marriages have little to no chemistry. The OP doesn't have little to no chemistry. Little or no chemistry means get out. The fifty year marriage of my neighbors are content and tame which isn't boring but it isn't firey chemistry either. The grass isn't always greener. You learn over time. Are you in your 20s? Sorry but almost every relationship I've seen with firey chemistry flamed out. Slow and steady wins the marriage race.

You had them the most in your teens. Doesnt mean its that way for everyone. Plenty of people find that in all stages of life, so its DOES exist.

 

The OP does have some chemistry but its still lacking. I feel if anyone is doubting a relationship the way she is, then its not for them and they should leave. Shes given it time and its the same for her.

 

Sure a 6 - 7 on chemistry is good, and Ive had that before myself, but I still felt unfulfilled and bored at times. I know whats out there.

 

You neighbors are different folks btw, they have different needs and drives...so of course a tame chemistry may work for them. Doesnt mean thats the only thing that works for everyone and definitely wouldnt work for me. Sometimes you have to know how to create chemistry as well, and I have been able to do that with some girls. Like what ANDY K said, its something thats natural and can be created as I have done in the past. But once you try to create it and its not there, then thats that.

 

I let a girl know exactly what I want out of a woman, and I expect her to let me know what she wants out of a man. If we naturally have those qualities the other wants and can also create more of those things to intensify our relationship, then great. If those things cannot be created, time to move on.

 

And yes I am 25, but my age has nothing to do with it imo. You see TONS of threads here from people across all ages who find that chemistry and good quality characteristics in a partner. Do a search or just read the posts of some of our more seasoned members who speak so passionately about their partner.

 

Slow and steady does not win the race with everyone. For some people its the death knell of a relationship because they know theres better for them out there to feel. Not all fiery chemistries flame out either. THEY WAX AND WANE...and most people will tell you that here.

Edited December 11, 2011 by kaylan

[kaylan]

Just security and family stuff trivializes it. It means something. There has to be more than a little chemistry but the firey intense chemistry isn't necessary. 6.5 to 7 chemistry with everything else ideal is long happy marriage material. Your advice comes through the lens of an idealistic teen or twentysomething.

Like I said, read the many a thread here dude. Some people dont want to settle. Doesnt matter the age. I wont end up longing for something I dont have. I will always have what i want. Just because you say fiery intense chemistry isnt necessary doesnt make it true. Maybe its not necessary for you, but for some people it is. REGARDLESS OF AGE

 

Some people want to avoid putting their whole life into something only to be unfulfilled later, or to meet someone who finally ticks all the boxes, in which case they wonder if they should leave their spouse. Never settle on your expectations. You have different expectations than I, so its different for everyone.

 

People make compromises all the time, but some dont want to compromise this aspect and thats up to them. OP doesnt seem like she wants to compromise something she knows exists out there for her. And please dont stereotype me by my age again, because you dont seem to read enough threads on this forum of people older than me who constantly warn us young folks not to settle.

 

Sometimes all it takes is a kiss, or an verbal expression of feeling, or a girl who can debate with me intensely. Anything that creates a spark will do and the rest can follow. With my ex, it was her "im not gonna back down" attitude that started things. Shes the only girl whos never backed down when I challenged her and it set things into motion.

 

You can create your own chemistry, but sometimes you cant...but when you know whats out there for yourself in life...why settle?

[Casablanca]

Don't be ridiculous - you gave yourself your own answer. Chemistry fades, character doesn't. He has good character; stop being immature.

Looks fade, but chemistry shouldnt...now if you're talking physical chemistry...yeah it does fade, but it shouldnt be fading this early in a new relationship

 

The first situation is where you just aren't attracted to this guy, and he's more like a friend. You feel turned off at the thought of having sex with him, and if you're honest you don't even want to kiss him. You have a relationship of convenience, and while he's a lovely person and a good friend, you really don't feel any romantic love or admiration for him. In this situation your best move is to end the relationship and look for someone else.

This is how I felt in my last relationship more or less

[kaylan]

^Again John...I have seen it all as well. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances to know fiery can work just as well as slow and steady. IT DEPENDS ON THE COUPLE AND WHAT THEIR NEEDS ARE.

 

Obviously for someone like me and OP we need fiery. So quit trying to say whats good for everyone. Half of ALL marriages fail in general so you cant tell me that all of the lasting ones are of the same ilk.

 

 

Looks fade, but chemistry shouldnt...now if you're talking physical chemistry...yeah it does fade, but it shouldnt be fading this early in a new relationship

This ad infinitum.

 

This is exactly is what I have been trying to say from the get go.

[stillafool]

I think chemistry, passion is extremely important in choosing a life mate. I agree with Kaylan and I'm 50. I've found throughout my life and experience that passion/chemistry is something that can't be bought or sold, faked and it is priceless in a relationship. I think if you don't have this feeling toward your spouse the chances of infidelity goes up if one of them finds it in someone else.

[kaylan]

I think chemistry, passion is extremely important in choosing a life mate. I agree with Kaylan and I'm 50. I've found throughout my life and experience that passion/chemistry is something that can't be bought or sold, faked and it is priceless in a relationship. I think if you don't have this feeling toward your spouse the chances of infidelity goes up if one of them finds it in someone else.

Hopefullynot always infidelity though, because some people will just up and leave for the new person. And thats what I want to prevent in my own life. If any very important needs arent met in a relationship and can be found elsewhere, this presents a big problem.

 

But according to John, real life accounts of life experiences on an internet forum arent worth much it seems

[xxoo]

FWIW, my H and I have a happy, stable marriage that began with electric sparks. It is possible to have both strong chemistry and strong compatibility.

 

Over the course of a lifetime, you'll cross paths with people who you are attracted to. Those attractions will be much more tempting, imo, if they are a lot stronger than any sexual attraction you have ever shared with your spouse.

[RecordProducer]

Have a think about it, and consider whether you're perhaps confusing chemistry and passion with excitement and insecurity. If you genuinely love him, it would be a shame to let him go in order to pursue the drama of a relationship with an asshat.

Eeyore, your entire post was GREAT!!! I was going to write something along those same lines (your second theory), but the way you articulated was absolutely perfect. You should write a book on the subject. Seriously.

[daphne]

it does not exist.

 

the asshatery is what you are attracted to. it's not an unforeseen byproduct of something else. people are who they are.

 

I have to agree with Eyore's post as well. I personally have never experienced intensity or fireworks with someone that was a healthy potential lifetime mate. It was usually short lived, and the intensity came from the ass hattery nonsense.

 

I would not say that having a high chemistry number would equate with good sex, however. In my experience, it meant very little there.

[RecordProducer]

I would not say that having a high chemistry number would equate with good sex, however. In my experience, it meant very little there.

Yay for that!

[Sanman]

As you can see OP, there is not necessarily a right answer. There can only be a right answer for you. The key, IMO, to a successful relationship and marriage is having a shared expectation of what is to come. No one will give you 100% of what you are looking for in a relationship. In this case, you are trading a bit of chemistry for the safety and comfort of a good, reliable, caring partner. Not everyone would choose the same compromise. Some here would say (and have said) that chemistry is more important than some of those other traits and they would look elsewhere. Others tell you that you have made the right compromise. It all comes down to the type of person you are and the type your partner is. If you prefer a relationship (for example) with more chemistry and less harmony/peace (perhaps more drama) that is your choice. Some relationships thrive on arguing and make up sex. My own relationship thrives on calmness and communication (we both hate drama and are quick to compromise). What you need to do is figure out the type of compromise you can live with and decide whether your current partner meets those needs and is happy having the same expectations.

 

Remember, what constitutes a happy marriage is different for every couple. You can decide to search for a different compromise at the risk of never finding anything better. I simply caution that you not leave in search of 'Mr Perfect' who fulfills you in every way as few individuals find such a person and many more are left single and searching in perpetuity.

[Sugarkane]

I've been procrastinating about the same thing. I like a guy but I just feel no chemistry at all. It wasn't how I felt about my exes at all. I didn't want to even kiss this guy. The thought made me sick.

[Ninjainpajamas]

As much as Eeyore was able to rationalize the selection process, and organize some potential factors I ultimately completely disagree with it.

 

We're talking about a future with someone you could potentially spend your life with. Now it might seem like a great idea to settle in for those "rational" or "realistic" expectations...many of which I think a lot of "nice guys" are going to be cheering you for, but to me that isn't romantic at all. And those qualities, that sense of security, that "trust" isn't going to be as exciting and as long-lasting as you may have thought it was.

 

There's a difference between being realistic and just losing hope and pessimistic about finding another equivalent partner, and it's always easier to reflect into the past and remember all the great things about a person and the regrets when you conveniently ignore all the reasons you didn't want to be with that "secure" person after all.

 

Chemistry and attraction is something that cannot be injected into a relationship, all the other rational factors can be substituted between people. There is a reason you choose people based on emotions, and that give good chemistry and give you that umph that makes you want to be with that person rather than some random "good all around guy" who you could just settle with.

 

I think it's a grave mistake if you only use your head, because if you're feeling like this already what makes you think that 10 years down the road it's going to be easier? because it's not.

 

Everyone is stuck in their jaded little worlds, worried about further punishment because they don't have the balls to keep their head up and keep fighting for what they want. Instead they just want to hide under a rock somewhere with someone safe and not take any more chances.

 

Well go ahead, but sooner or later you've got to come out...and I hope for your sake you're happy with who you choose under those circumstances...why you chose or stayed with that person might not affect you the way it does at that time, and you may reflect and feel like...hey, maybe you shouldn't have just given up so easily because you had a good thing.

 

I swear, people don't have a lot of heart in this world...they get knocked down a few times, or find a "good package" and they're afraid to let it go...afraid to live....living is about loving and losing people, good luck avoiding it!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I always focused on intense chemistry above all else and had a train wreck relationship experiences.

 

Luckily, I grew up and matured and now prioritize other things.

 

Having said that, there has to be ENOUGH chemistry to want to touch, kiss and have sex with your partner.

[RecordProducer]

As much as Eeyore was able to rationalize the selection process, and organize some potential factors I ultimately completely disagree with it.

I think your post was very nice and inspiring; and by no means do I mean to undermine your thoughts, but I have to comment on some points.

 

Chemistry is a great thing, but it comes at the beginning. Then comes the "in love" (or infatuation) and then the true love. When one decides years down the road that the chemistry is not there, it's re-evaluating the relationship as if it's five days and not five years old. Relationships mature in a certain way. It's normal to feel more safe and friendly after several years with someone. It's normal to feel no challenge or burning passion after you've seen someone in all kinds of situations, after you've learned all about them and seen them at their best and worst and anything in between. Of course it's not the same feeling as when you've just met someone and all they do is smile, smell good and make you laugh.

 

And those qualities, that sense of security, that "trust" isn't going to be as exciting and as long-lasting as you may have thought it was.

You didn't really elaborate on this thought, but excitement is usually not long-lasting. We are not telling this girl to stay with the guy; we're just pointing out to her that if she thinks she's going to find a guy with the same qualities (as she stated she wished!) PLUS buring passion every day - that is just NOT going to happen. To any of us.

 

the regrets when you conveniently ignore all the reasons you didn't want to be with that "secure" person after all.

If she doesn't love the guy, then she's wasting her time with him. Security should not come as a substitute for love. I'm just afraid that if security were substituted with insecurity, she would suddenly feel that burning passion that many of us felt - precisely when security turned into insecurity.

 

Chemistry and attraction is something that cannot be injected into a relationship,

Remember the couples where one spouse takes the other for granted and refuses to compromise UNTIL the other cheats or leaves? The change of dynamic (I am the weak one turns into I'm the strong one) changes the chemistry. OP feels like she's has the "upper hand" in the relationship. How do I know that? Because she is thinking about whether she wants him or not. She knows he'll be there when she returns from her decision. But, if he told her today "You know, I've felt suffocated in this relationship for a while now and last month I met someone who rocked my world," she'd come here crying and trying to win him back. Is this the chemistry she's looking for? She'll say NO. She really just wants the novelty again. We all like new cars, clothes and houses. That's nothing new. And when you're young, you want that passion that comes with a new love to last forever. But the older you get and after being shattered in pieces by exciting guys who fed you with curmbs, gave you butterflies in your stomach and dumped you when you most needed them, you start appreciating security more than anything in a man. Far from me advocating security instead of chemistry - I feel I have to repeat that. But if the chemistry was initially there and the relationship developed into a mature, safe, friendly and kind enterprise - that's about as good as it gets. And just because it's as good as it gets doesn't mean it's good for you. Some people want to live on adrenaline and don't need security. Some people thrive on drama and power games.

 

all the other rational factors can be substituted between people.

Actually, I'm afraid that there could be something more serious here that can't be substituted. Maybe they're just incompatible. Maybe she needs someone stronger or just different. More romantic. Less romantic. More nerdy. Less nerdy. More energetic and ambitious. I don't necessarily take the "great guy" description for granted. Because I've heard myself say "great guy" for each of my former partners and none of them was close to great. So, if there's incompatibility of characters AND lack of chemistry from the beginning, then we have a bad combination. In that case, the reason why they get along so well is not because he's the kind of guy we all dream of, but because she doesn't care enough about him so she keeps him on his toes.

 

There is a reason you choose people based on emotions, and that give good chemistry and give you that umph that makes you want to be with that person rather than some random "good all around guy" who you could just settle with.

With both my ex-husbands I actually convinced myself to fall in love with him. Not convinced myself I was in love - but I made myself consciously fall in love because it was convenient for me at the time. I was desperate for love, desperate to be rescued from the situations I was in, and most of all, I thought they were great guys and that I should fall in love in order to be happy (obviously I knew I couldn't be happy without the love). The sad part is it really did feel like love. And when they left me, I spent years crying and suffering. Crying over two guys for whom I didn't feel that umph at the beginning. In fact, I knew my first ex for six years before I started dating him and never thought of him as a man. I had a BF and he had a wife, but I didn't even think he was umph. In fact, I was so unattracted to each of them that I had to egt drunk to sleep with them in the first week or two of the relationships. I was just having fun at the time, but then I fell in love with them because they were such great guys and I thought they'd make great husbands. Boy, was I wrong.

 

Everyone is stuck in their jaded little worlds, worried about further punishment because they don't have the balls to keep their head up and keep fighting for what they want. Instead they just want to hide under a rock somewhere with someone safe and not take any more chances.

And the opposite is also true: people take abuse and misery for years instead of looking for the security and respect they deserve.

 

...why you chose or stayed with that person might not affect you the way it does at that time, and you may reflect and feel like...hey, maybe you shouldn't have just given up so easily because you had a good thing.

I don't think she should concern herself at all with the possible regret later. What she chooses now should be based on her desire (or lack thereof) to spend the rest of her life with this man. Frankly, I've never heard of anyone regretting they left someone. Or regretting that someone left them. Besides, whatever she chooses will be a fruit of her character. And if she makes a mistake, she will benefit somehow from that "mistake." This is not a death or life decisions. For me, the two divorces were a blessing. I benefited from both the marriages and the divorces. I learned who I was and got myself to the place where I belonged thanks to my "mistakes": the marriages.

 

I swear, people don't have a lot of heart in this world...they get knocked down a few times, or find a "good package" and they're afraid to let it go...afraid to live...

I think life should be somewhere between safety and adventure, which means sometimes it will be boring and sometines the adventure will be too stressful to take. But you can't have 100% of both because they are on the opposite sides of the spectrum.

 

living is about loving and losing people, good luck avoiding it!

I agree with this.

[Emilia]

Like I said, read the many a thread here dude. Some people dont want to settle. Doesnt matter the age. I wont end up longing for something I dont have. I will always have what i want. Just because you say fiery intense chemistry isnt necessary doesnt make it true. Maybe its not necessary for you, but for some people it is. REGARDLESS OF AGE

 

Some people want to avoid putting their whole life into something only to be unfulfilled later, or to meet someone who finally ticks all the boxes, in which case they wonder if they should leave their spouse. Never settle on your expectations. You have different expectations than I, so its different for everyone.

 

People make compromises all the time, but some dont want to compromise this aspect and thats up to them. OP doesnt seem like she wants to compromise something she knows exists out there for her. And please dont stereotype me by my age again, because you dont seem to read enough threads on this forum of people older than me who constantly warn us young folks not to settle.

 

Sometimes all it takes is a kiss, or an verbal expression of feeling, or a girl who can debate with me intensely. Anything that creates a spark will do and the rest can follow. With my ex, it was her "im not gonna back down" attitude that started things. Shes the only girl whos never backed down when I challenged her and it set things into motion.

 

You can create your own chemistry, but sometimes you cant...but when you know whats out there for yourself in life...why settle?

 

I agree with this and your other posts and I'm 39. I experienced very strong physical chemistry that deepened into love and respect against all the odds and it still exists today even though I'm not with that person anymore. There is no way I would commit to something less when I know I can have it again.

[thatone]

Like I said, read the many a thread here dude. Some people dont want to settle. Doesnt matter the age. I wont end up longing for something I dont have. I will always have what i want. Just because you say fiery intense chemistry isnt necessary doesnt make it true. Maybe its not necessary for you, but for some people it is. REGARDLESS OF AGE

 

Some people want to avoid putting their whole life into something only to be unfulfilled later, or to meet someone who finally ticks all the boxes, in which case they wonder if they should leave their spouse. Never settle on your expectations. You have different expectations than I, so its different for everyone.

 

People make compromises all the time, but some dont want to compromise this aspect and thats up to them. OP doesnt seem like she wants to compromise something she knows exists out there for her. And please dont stereotype me by my age again, because you dont seem to read enough threads on this forum of people older than me who constantly warn us young folks not to settle.

 

Sometimes all it takes is a kiss, or an verbal expression of feeling, or a girl who can debate with me intensely. Anything that creates a spark will do and the rest can follow. With my ex, it was her "im not gonna back down" attitude that started things. Shes the only girl whos never backed down when I challenged her and it set things into motion.

 

You can create your own chemistry, but sometimes you cant...but when you know whats out there for yourself in life...why settle?

 

i think we're talking about different things. i met a girl like the one you're describing recently. unfortunately it only last a few months, there were other issues. but yeah, personality traits causing chemistry i get that.

 

what the OP (and so many other women for that matter) are talking about are dysfunctional personality traits.

 

i wasn't attracted to my ex because she got drunk and danced on bar tables, or ignored my phone calls when she was out partying with an ex, or disregarded everything i did or didn't do as if she didn't give a sh*t. just the opposite.

 

chemistry is all fine and good, but if they only have 'chemistry' for unemployed bipolar addicts, then they have a serious f*cking problem, that isn't normal. and no, there are no stable, normal unemployed bipolar addicts, so waiting around for one isn't going to do them any good either.

[Luna06]

I am going through something very similar.

 

My past relationships were based on chemistry and most ultimately imploded.

 

Three months ago I met a man with whom I did not have that "chemistry" but he was everything else I wanted in a life partner; intelligence, kindness, almost every mutual interest imaginable (difficult, if you know anything about me), and very, very into me.

 

I have been giving him -- and us -- time and am learning that the chemistry thing is not all it is cracked up to be. There have been men with whom I have had intense chemistry but nothing in common and I have tried to establish relationships with these men. For the first time, I feel I might have met the person with whom I am meant to be with BECAUSE I am letting the admiration and love grow slowly out of learning and not because of that silly chemistry thing; which I know never lasts...

 

I think that this describes my feelings almost exactly. The thing is, the closer I get to him and more I contemplate a future with him, the more I feel myself questioning whether I am making a mistake by not holding out for more intense chemistry. Once things like kids come along, a super intense connection is going to be necessary to keep the bond strong, right? I find him attractive and I like being physical with him... I just find myself comparing it to that high feeling I have had in the past. Objectively I think that part of what allowed that feeling to exist in the past was the LACK of consideration of a future with the person. But how can I really know that?

 

This is only my second real experience with giving the slow-burning type of romance a chance, and actively seeking out and building long-term assets like trust, reliability, stability, responsibility, etc. I feel really 'bonded' to him and like being around him and being intimate with him. I think I may get scared because I am contemplating a future with him (I am in my late 20's), but I have never really done this previously so it is a big deal to me and the stakes are high. I have a lot of anxiety and feel pressure to get things 'right'. And sometimes I am afraid that in the attraction aspect of things I am selling short, even though I can step back and look at the relationship objectively and realize how great I have it with this guy. It makes me feel kind of crappy about myself sometimes.

[Luna06]

...The second situation is where you are attracted to him - he's good looking, you admire and respect him, and you enjoy having sex with him. The problem is, he just doesn't excite you.

 

...Your boyfriend is stable and reliable, and is always there for you when you need him. You don't feel nervous and stressed, you don't wonder if he's going to call and get all excited when the phone rings. Your relationship doesn't have those addictive highs and lows, and you don't have that longing ache in your tummy. But you have something else - a calm, quiet trust in this man, a feeling of deep love and a sense that you can rely on him...

 

...If you genuinely love him, it would be a shame to let him go in order to pursue the drama of a relationship with an asshat.

 

Yeah, that basically sums it up. It's not one of those situations where I have no attraction to him. It's just not super exciting and sexually intense. I just feel like sometimes this means I am "forcing" things, or that I am not weighting the chemistry aspect heavily enough in my relationship priorities. I don't want to wake up some day and be married to someone and realize I am not in love with that person. For some reason I just associate irresistible chemistry and passion with a successful relationship. Again it's not that I am NOT attracted to my bf. I am just always COMPARING the attraction to that high feeling I've had with previous guys and maybe that is where the association comes from. I think that deep down I know I need to un-learn this if I am going to get anywhere with a marriage or long-term relationship. But since I haven't unlearned it yet, there is still this internal conflict which I think is what led me to start this thread. And it really bothers me because I feel like with this guy (since he's so amazing and loves me), that the stakes are really high.