confused kitty Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Ok so Ive just started dateing this new guy, we live about hour and half away from eachother, we have been on three dates within less than 10 days however given the distance we txt eachother pretty much all day everyday so despite only meeting 3 times we have both really gotten to know eachother quite a bit and have both opened up shareing some extremley difficult stories from our pasts including things hes said he never told any girlfriends before. Hes incredibly loving and affectionate and physically we drive eachother crazy ( we've made out n played around but havent yet slept together) on our second date he said he wanted us to be exclusive and I was delighted, hes told me hes "head over heels about me" and most defenitly wants a relationship with me but doesnt want to rush things and just wants to enjoy what we have going right now (hes been cheated on before and is abit cautious) Im already begining to fall for this guy and thats unheard of for me after such a short time. The only problem we have is we have nothing in common!! We both agree the emotional connection and chemistry is there but sometimes we struggle to keep a conversation going when we're together in person. I will admit im alittle worried about this, hes obviously noticed it too but assures me his feelings havent changed for me and he doesnt want to give up on us but agrees we need to try sort this so we can become even stronger, which I totally agree with. So my question is, Is this a deal breaker?? And how can we try solve this??? We both feel theres great potential for a strong relationship here as there is most defenitly a connection between us. Thanks in advance for any advise you might be able to offer :-)
ditzchic Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Personally, it doesn't make that huge of a deal for me. I actually like seeing a guy with different interests so that he can teach me a thing or two and I can do the same for him. There's something about expanding your horizons with someone that makes you feel so much closer. The connection and chemistry has always been more important to me. But you say that you struggle to hold a conversation when you're together? That's part of the chemistry thing... You don't have to necessarily talk about things but don't you converse about anything? Even just like joking around or making fun of stuff or something? I just don't understand how you say there is chemistry if you can't talk to each other? If you text non-stop, what the hell do you talk about while texting? Could this be a case of you both being caught off guard by the fast pace of it all and just being uncomfortable around each other to open up about your interests?
Author confused kitty Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Thanks for your reply, yes we joke about and slag eachother off just goof around pretty much when we're together its all very playfull, when we're txting during the day is when most of the serious stuff gets said, im kind of shy about speaking out about personal things, but I guess the problem is despite having so much to say via text when we're in person theres still the awkward silences and lul in conversations! its so damn frustrating cause i feel so at ease with him and as if Ive known him years
ditzchic Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Thanks for your reply, yes we joke about and slag eachother off just goof around pretty much when we're together its all very playfull, when we're txting during the day is when most of the serious stuff gets said, im kind of shy about speaking out about personal things, but I guess the problem is despite having so much to say via text when we're in person theres still the awkward silences and lul in conversations! its so damn frustrating cause i feel so at ease with him and as if Ive known him years Oh man, I actually recently just got out of almost the same situation. We had that crazy chemistry and were in constant contact all day long. We were both pretty emotionally closed off and would have our best conversations through text but in person they weren't as good. We were both pretty guarded people. Me more so than him. I absolutely HATE talking about my past. He wanted to hear all about it. I felt he was pressuring me, he got resentful, then I got resentful. The relationship crashed and burned after 3 months because we couldn't "fulfill each others needs" of being each other's soft place to land. The comfortableness never came for either one of us because we couldn't open up. Communication almost completely ceased near the end. I think we both felt pretty badly burned when it was all said and done. We don't speak at all today. I have so many regrets about that relationship. He is definitely the one that got away for me. My advice to you is to make a decision now. Do you want in or out? It's not going to work unless you two can open up to each other. Decide right now if you are willing to get a little more uncomfortable and put yourself out there on a limb for him so that he can open up more to you and in tutrn you can get more comfortable with him. If you don't do that, I can see this following the exact same route as my experience. If you're not comfortable doing that, I suggest you gracefully bow out now. It's not going to work if you can't communicate. And there will be a whole lot of heartache.
daphne Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I don't know that I like "doesn't want to give up on us" as being the way to word it. It sounds like he's trying to convince himself. I think the more positive spin would be "I'd like to see where this goes." There are plenty of couples that have little in common (interest wise). I do believe, however, that having at least one big interest is important for many. Common goals and core values are far more important, however. If you guys don't have this, you don't have the foundation for a permanent relationship if that's what you're looking for. Don't sweat it. Take your time and don't get physical. Just get to know him and see how it goes.
Author confused kitty Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 thank you Ditzchick, I most defenitly want in with this guy and I have opened myself up to him far more than i usually would so soon, we can talk about "us" and stuff of the sort but its general conversation thats the problem, its either joking about, serious realationship talk or making out! We both agree this is our only problem and feel its holding us back from something really commited and worthwhile, question is how do we solve it?? We have nothing in common as far as general interests so striking up a conversation of actual substance and interest to us both is quite difficult! He said we wants to try find something we can enjoy together to help strengthen our bond and I agree completley- just cant come up with anything! Grrrrr
FrustrationSetsIn Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 He said we wants to try find something we can enjoy together to help strengthen our bond and I agree completley- just cant come up with anything! Grrrrr That's because you two don't have anything in common. Not every couple has to have everything in common but I have found that a good 50% things in common does help. Think of it like this, you go join a book club, when you get there after reading that weeks book, you realize that everyone else has gone and read something totally different. So you sit there, having cake and punch, talking about the same things you did last week and the week before that, because when you try to talk about the book you just read everyone's response is "huh?",and it happens week in and week out, FOREVER! Haha okay pretty bad analogy but the point is, how long would you keep going to this book club?
ZimboGon Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I dated a girl for two years who was nothing like me. We couldn't really hold a conversation on the phone or text, but when we saw each other it was great. We were very nurturing and affectionate and we knew what we were thinking. I'm a pretty big softy who is typically nice to everyone and always says yes, and she is a huge b**** to everyone and pretty rude. She kinda kept me in check, actually. I think as you date, you start to develop similarities. As we dated, i got her into many of my hobbies and she would even start going to anime conventions with me.
Author confused kitty Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Thanks for all the advice guys, Im not sure how this is going to play out but I think for now the best thing I can do is just roll with it enjoy the the time we share together n try to involve more fun acctivities we could enjoy together, I was thinking maybe iceskating? Its just so damn frustrating as we both really like eachother and think there is a future for us, we're so affectionate and nurturing towards eachother, i trust him and feel safe around him already. Any suggestions for activities we could enjoy/try together???
Eeyore79 Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I think that having things in common is one of the most important factors in making a relationship work in the long term. You don't have to share every single one of your interests, but it's important to share some things at least. When you're old and sex becomes more difficult, and you lose your looks, and you suffer from ill health or other problems, what will keep you together as a couple is the things you have in common, your shared lives and interests, and your love and respect for each other.
make me believe Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 My husband and I don't have a lot in common in terms of our interests, but we do have a lot of our core values and opinions/beliefs about the important stuff in common. And we do have some interests in common, like hiking & being in nature. I think it's normal to have awkward silences and lulls in conversation when you've only met three times. I also think you guys are moving too fast and getting way too emotionally invested in each other at this stage. I think you're interpreting the high of meeting someone new that you have chemistry with as a deeper connection & potential for a future. I mean you've known him for TEN DAYS and you guys are already saying things like "not giving up on us, "I want to make us stronger," "strengthen our bond"..... To me, that says you are taking this way too seriously when it should be fun & light hearted right now. Please keep some perspective here---- realistically, you barely know this guy! Anyway I agree with Zimbo, as you date longer you naturally develop some of the same interests or become more interested in what the other person likes. I think the next time you guys hang out you should go along with something that he is interested in that you aren't. Let him teach you about it, and you can learn a lot about him as you discover why he likes certain things. Then after that, you guys should do something that youare interested in. Broaden your horizons. But you guys need to relax and quit being so dramatic. Enjoy getting to know each other without all of this pressure after LESS than TWO WEEKS.
PlumPrincess Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 (edited) Thanks for all the advice guys, Im not sure how this is going to play out but I think for now the best thing I can do is just roll with it enjoy the the time we share together n try to involve more fun acctivities we could enjoy together, I was thinking maybe iceskating? Its just so damn frustrating as we both really like eachother and think there is a future for us, we're so affectionate and nurturing towards eachother, i trust him and feel safe around him already. Any suggestions for activities we could enjoy/try together??? Ballroom dancing. Salsa. Sports - cycling, running, hiking, etc. Go to the movies/a play together. Cook together. I guess, you guys just have to start doing stuff together, then you would have plenty to talk about. Edited December 10, 2011 by PlumPrincess
El Brujo Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Some say yes, some say no. "Opposites attract" only works about half the time, from what others have told me. For me, opposites didn't attract... and never did. For the record... most women don't like guys who enjoy staying home and making things.
Els Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I would answer with an unreserved yes - you do. I have known very few long-term successful couples with NO interests in common. You don't need to share everything, but you really still do need one or two things that both of you really enjoy. Otherwise what are you going to do together once the honeymoon phase ends? When you reach the point of living together, if all you can do together are sex, cuddling and date nights, the point of companionship is somewhat missing. Just IMO.
O'Malley Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I've never been a believer in opposites attract. There are exceptions where differing interests or behaviors can be mutually complimentary, but it's a dynamic that I've rarely come across in successful long term relationships. As others have said, sharing core values is the biggest priority. I think a solid foundation of friendship is important to a good relationship -- not necessarily that you had to have been friends beforehand, but that you develop a friendship through mutual values and interests as you become involved. It's the friendship that sustains you through the difficult times. If you text non-stop, what the hell do you talk about while texting? Could this be a case of you both being caught off guard by the fast pace of it all and just being uncomfortable around each other to open up about your interests? I'm wondering about that as well. It's only been around two weeks, you have to let these things develop over time and not put so much emphasis on checklists. Don't use texting as your primary source of contact; save most of your conversations for in person. Over the next weeks and months, you'll come to feel more compatible or you simply won't.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I believe opposites do attract BUT they need to have core values that are similiar. And while you don't need to have everything in common, there should be some things you share in common. This is more transparent the older you get because it runs into what kind of lifestyle you want to live. When your dating someone, it's easier to manage but as you get deeper into a relationship and start thinking about the future and how you want to live your life, similarities/common interests/lifestyle choices are going to matter. For me, I found the most successful relationships to be with men that had different strengths from my own so that we could both add something different to the relationship while maintaining similar core values and some common interests.
Wolf18 Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I don't care how hot a woman is, if all that happens when I'm with her is chirping crickets thats pretty damn lame. Most women I know are more than happy to be in "relationships" (in reality, most "relationships" these days are simply glorified friends with benefits) with men they have 0 in common with because in a society of wimps like this one women can be "friends" with interesting men who do not value their own time but bang the fratboys and other assorted stupids. Win-Win
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