Is love, marriage, and children just a product of youth running out?

[kaylan]

Let me first start off by saying Im a 25 year old guy. And tbh I know this is a 1/4 life crisis rant of sorts. Ive been feeling pretty lost lately. More than during my teen years I feel.

 

You know, ever since I was a kid in my teens, I had this dream of real and true young love. Or just real love in general. Seeing stuff like Dawsons Creek, the Notebook, When Harry Met Sally….watching that kind of stuff growing up really made me idealize love in my teens and early 20s. Until age 23, I never was into partying or meeting different women. At age 18 and age 22, the two times Ive been in love with a girl, I would have been happy ending up with one of those girls forever. After the first heartbreak at 18, I went through a period of just wanting to hook up, but still being slightly open to meeting a great girl.

 

After getting my heartbroken at 22, things were different. I just transferred to Uni from community college and was increasingly jaded about love. Given the atmosphere I was in, this time around I wasn’t too open to meeting a girl I could fall for during my “broken hearted hook up” stage. All of a sudden things changed in my brain, heart and loins. I started having the urge to “conquer” women by sleeping around. I haven’t really done much of that, but I have done some things I thought id never do over the past couple years. Ive changed a lot over the last two years. I became saddened that when I look at the world, sex matters so much more than love and respect…and I felt I became some what of a hypocrite and it hurt. But part of me just gave up and just decided to jump into this lifestyle because of failed love and having been used for sex a couple times myself. I would think to myself “well if thats what people want from me, fine, but Im not gonna hurt looking for something I cant find anymore”

 

Ive met a lot of people, analyzed a lot of things, learned a lot about relationships by reading forums and watching others and Im wondering this…

 

Why do so many of us magically find someone to settle down with when nearing the age of 30. Is it really love?

 

Because it seems so damn convenient and I hate that. Im doing it myself now. Ive told myself that I want to enjoy my youthful mid 20s and party, play in a band, meet women, and yadda yadda. And it makes me wonder how much real love is out there because people seem to just force love after they get done running around with multiple people in their youth. People settle, or you have women who rush marriage just to have kids because the clocks ticking, or guys who just marry a girl because they feel they should start a family before theyre too old as well.

 

We see things like this, as well as cheating, lies and betrayal all the time on the forums and from our friends and acquaintances. It really makes me wonder if theres true passionate love out there. Im really started to doubt its existence. Let this next part really sink in…because this is what bothers me the most.

 

Imagine a world where humans live to an average 150 years instead of 75. Now, years 1 to 20 will be the same growing period as the present, but then every present decade of life is doubled. So once an adolescent is fully grown by age 20, his new years of 20 to 40 have the youth and vitality of the present day 20s. Then his years 40 to 60 have the same health as the present day 30s. Follow me? I imagine that people would be single a lot longer of course and not worry about kids until impending aging, loss of youth and fear of death. It just seems love, marriage and kids just come because people cant fool around in youth any longer. I feel that if people were young a lot longer, things would be worse than they are in the romantic sphere.

 

Isnt that why people settle down a lot of the time, because they don’t want to die alone. Im cool with that, but I also want more people to settle down because they met the right person, not just because time dictates it to them. Do it for love, ya know. Ive started to feel Ive over idealized love growing up. I was so sure Id always meet the right person and have that young love that lasts into older age, but now even I go out dancing and talking up different girls. I wonder if love is even as real as I used to think it was, because now it feels like people just one day up and decide “ok im gonna love someone now” It seems so fake to me.

 

I don’t even trust my own feelings anymore. I imagine myself being 35 and looking into the eyes of the woman I “love” and wondering if this is just convenient circumstance. Like “well im 35….gonna be old and stuff soon, better settle down now…but would I love you if I had all the time in world that 20 year olds feel?” And I feel for a lot of folks the answer would be No. It seems that people keep trying to upgrade and thinking they could do better until their youth has run out and they get scared of starting over to find someone they click with. That rubs me so the wrong way because it happens all the time. We see the threads and hear the stories.

 

Im really confused. I want to feel that love has no time table, or a time limit, or this feeling where it can eventually run out. Or maybe thats my foolish idealized thinking…maybe love is not this forever thing. Maybe romantic love isn’t meant for one person at a time…maybe humans are always bound to get bored and want to go elsewhere, but just some people don’t because time doesn’t permit them to. But for me Ive never had the feeling to stray from the women ive loved. Not at 18 or 22, and those are prime ages for people to want to screw around and be wild childs.

 

One big thing that scares me too is ending up the person someone settles for. Being a product of circumstance. Women do this a lot when the clocks ticking and they are nearing or past 30 years old. I don’t want my career, or money to matter. I don’t want time to be an issue, I don’t want impending older age to be an issue. I want to be loved for my personality alone—loved for who I am. Its weird, because I could have met my last ex at age 15, 18, 22, or 35 and still wanted her. Because our personalities just lined up so well. Id want someone to feel that way about me.

 

Hell id love to think that if I was living in vampire land, that in all those hundreds of years of living that vampires have, that I could be with someone for a great number of years without anyone needing to go elsewhere. And without the occurrence love being dictated by time, loss of youth, or fear of death. It just seems to me that love is this convenient feeling when people are done screwing around…and that makes me feeling its just not that real. I guess Hollywood sold me a bad bill of goods growing up. Or maybe this is a typical coming of age thing for a teenager or 20-something. Im just confused.

 

/rant

Edited December 10, 2011 by kaylan

[quankanne]

you're over-thinking this, dear ... simply put, you know when you know. And choosing to make those life-altering commitments of marriage and kids is pretty much a leap of faith into the unknown. You don't know how things will turn out, but you've got a strong belief in them, so you make that leap.

[eerie_reverie]

You're right, but you're also not seeing the whole picture. Those people we "settle" with... most of us fall pretty hard in love with them too. Maybe the love is more circumstantial than the pure true love we imagine/ experience in our youth, but it's just as real. And building a life and having kids with someone is pretty magical.

 

I think the twenties/ thirties is when people start to realize that "true love" is not the end-all to life. What you refer to "youth disappearing" is just a person entering a new life stage. Most of us find love of a different sort here.

[thatone]

you're over-thinking this, dear ... simply put, you know when you know. And choosing to make those life-altering commitments of marriage and kids is pretty much a leap of faith into the unknown. You don't know how things will turn out, but you've got a strong belief in them, so you make that leap.

 

i disagree, over thinking isn't a bad thing as long as you can make a rational decision at some point imo, so logically i think it's impossible to over think something, if that makes sense .

 

here's my opinion, from a man 10 years older than you...

 

yeah, you're right, people go into a mode of more actively seeking long term relationships in their 30s for a multitude of reasons, and considering half of them get divorced that means about half of those reasons are entirely selfish. a lot of women need their white dress and baby because that's what their friends and their sisters have. a lot of men realize that their ideas of grandeur out of college are not going to pan out like they imagined they would, and need something else to make themselves seem important, and the idea of people running around with your name after you're dead is what does it for them.

 

all of the happily married people i know did so when they were much younger.

 

so while i'm not completely opposed to the idea of marriage, if i met that 'right' person, i'm not hell bent on it. and i've given up entirely on the idea of children. i won't ever have any, and i'm fine with that.

 

and the dating world gets better in your 30s, for what it's worth. why? because you have more to offer than your delusions of grandeur, to be honest. you aren't wanting to be in a band, or to have professional success, or to have a nice house and car, or to have attractive hobbies and interests, you have done it already! it's right there in black and white, and it'll attract people that you didn't attract before, whatever 'it' is.

 

then you'll have a whole other set of problems, that being staying away from the women you don't want that want you. i've fended off two in the past week. one married and looking to cheat on her husband and the other who wants to start out by introducing me to her kid. and i'm not brad pitt, far from it. i've got professional success and i've got conversation skills, that's about it. i'm not a pickup artist, and don't really try to be. the extent of my 'game' is being personable to strangers, nothing more.

 

nor am i bragging about having a good month with a few women approaching me as if i'm suddenly some irresistible man, it just is what it is. next month may (probably) be entirely different. in the meantime i've got other things to do so that's fine.

 

the bottom line is you're 25, you don't know what you want. and that's fine, because you're not supposed to. when you're 30-35 you will know, and it makes all of this a helluva lot easier. the catch is if you have all of those things that attract women at 35 (career, status, etc) you won't want to start giving up the lifestyle you've worked for to give those women children, at least i didn't/don't.

 

so what are the right and wrong answers? honestly, the only right answer is that there is no right or wrong answer. you can do whatever you want, but you can't do what you want until you know what that is.

[quankanne]

i think it's impossible to over think something, if that makes sense ummm ... I think? :laugh::laugh:

 

he only right answer is that there is no right or wrong answer. you can do whatever you want, but you can't do what you want until you know what that is.

 

so true ... and your world can be turned upside down in a split-second, when it comes to realizing that you want something "other" ...

[thatone]

 

so true ... and your world can be turned upside down in a split-second, when it comes to realizing that you want something "other" ...

 

indeed it can. a few months ago i was trying to convince myself that i did want marriage and kids, because the last girl i met that progressed into a relationship wanted those things.

 

looking back on it, that was incredibly stupid and reckless on my part. if i hadn't subconsciously fallen back into my old ways i might've ended up one of these borderline suicidal divorcees you see on the marriage forum here.

 

i suppose that's another difference between 25 and 35 (or 45 or 55 or whatever). i am who i am, i can't be changed. even if i try to change myself, it doesn't work all that well, a month or two later i'm back to being plain ole me again.

 

there are reasons that i became who i am. it took years to get here, and it can't be undone even by me.

 

at 25 the OP does have life changes and decisions left to make, so it's not all set in stone yet. but when it is he'll know.

[xxoo]

It is a byproduct of youth running out, in that maturity is evolving.

 

People need time to learn who they are, and what they really want in a mate. Some people need more time than others, but the average seems to be late 20s in this day and age.

 

It doesn't mean that people are settling at those ages. It means they are sure, in a way that they might not have been sure at younger ages.

[ZimboGon]

I'm like you, Kaylan. I'm 20, and i spent my life watching romance movies and the like, and i always dreamed about how wonderful it would be. I wanted this perfect romantic relationship that i saw in the movies. I want a girl who i can protect and take care of, and in return all i want is her unconditional love. It may be sad, but that was what i wanted the most in life. Sure, i'm in college, working to get a job and have a great life. But i don't care about that stuff.

 

Recently, i have suffered a heartbreak myself. I fell in love with a girl who i could have easily spent my life with. Throughout our relationship, several things showed me she could have been the perfect person for me. A month ago, she left me for another guy despite how i always did everything i could for her. I put herself first in every way shape and form.

 

So, i hope people don't settle. I don't want that for anyone. I myself have felt incredibly bitter as of late. I don't even really know much of what i want anymore. I know this doesn't answer your question, sorry. I just felt i could relate since my mind seems to head in the same direction that yours is lately

[kaylan]

So I finally decided to respond to you guys after giving myself almost 2 months to grow and reflect on how I was feeling back when I created this thread.

 

you're over-thinking this, dear ... simply put, you know when you know. And choosing to make those life-altering commitments of marriage and kids is pretty much a leap of faith into the unknown. You don't know how things will turn out, but you've got a strong belief in them, so you make that leap.

Ive always been this analytical wittle monster of a guy So its in my nature to think about things a lot and to ask myself why things happen the way they do.

 

I know marriage and kids are a leap of faith, but I think you missed what I was saying bothers me. I supremely dislike that "love" all of a sudden just happens around 30 years of age. It feels forced, and at times is forced by some people. Instead of waiting for the right person, some settle on thinking its the right time to settle down.

 

You need the right person when the time feels right though. People need to slow up sometimes. Desperation isnt good.

You're right, but you're also not seeing the whole picture. Those people we "settle" with... most of us fall pretty hard in love with them too. Maybe the love is more circumstantial than the pure true love we imagine/ experience in our youth, but it's just as real. And building a life and having kids with someone is pretty magical.

 

I think the twenties/ thirties is when people start to realize that "true love" is not the end-all to life. What you refer to "youth disappearing" is just a person entering a new life stage. Most of us find love of a different sort here.

How is it just as real if its circumstantial? Those are the relationships that I usually hear becoming unhappy and lacking passion over the years. I would expect that to happen when someone marries due to their clocks ticking, and not because they found the right mate for them.

 

"True love" isnt the end all be all to life. I never said it was. I dont really believe in "true love" because true love beliefs usually dictate that theres one person out there for us. Ive always believe that theres many people out there who we can feel strong romantic love for.

 

I just think it becomes rather forced when people think its time to have a family. I mean how many threads do we see online, or peoples stories have we heard where one of the mates says "I dont think I was ever really in love"

 

indeed it can. a few months ago i was trying to convince myself that i did want marriage and kids, because the last girl i met that progressed into a relationship wanted those things.

 

looking back on it, that was incredibly stupid and reckless on my part. if i hadn't subconsciously fallen back into my old ways i might've ended up one of these borderline suicidal divorcees you see on the marriage forum here.

 

i suppose that's another difference between 25 and 35 (or 45 or 55 or whatever). i am who i am, i can't be changed. even if i try to change myself, it doesn't work all that well, a month or two later i'm back to being plain ole me again.

 

there are reasons that i became who i am. it took years to get here, and it can't be undone even by me.

 

at 25 the OP does have life changes and decisions left to make, so it's not all set in stone yet. but when it is he'll know.

 

Your situation is one of those where we have seen people go through with marriage and kids despite not being sure of it, but convincingly themselves thats what they want. And down the line it doesnt always lead to happiness like you said.

 

Im just learning more about myself I guess. I am having a hard time reformulating my long held beliefs on relationships and love. Its part of life though. It is what it is.

 

It is a byproduct of youth running out, in that maturity is evolving.

 

People need time to learn who they are, and what they really want in a mate. Some people need more time than others, but the average seems to be late 20s in this day and age.

 

It doesn't mean that people are settling at those ages. It means they are sure, in a way that they might not have been sure at younger ages.

I guess you can say they are sure and that maturity is evolving. But it seems rather convenient still to me. Especially when so many people state they wont marry till close to 30. It tends to be kinda planned out, not that foresight and good planning is bad.

I'm like you, Kaylan. I'm 20, and i spent my life watching romance movies and the like, and i always dreamed about how wonderful it would be. I wanted this perfect romantic relationship that i saw in the movies. I want a girl who i can protect and take care of, and in return all i want is her unconditional love. It may be sad, but that was what i wanted the most in life. Sure, i'm in college, working to get a job and have a great life. But i don't care about that stuff.

 

Recently, i have suffered a heartbreak myself. I fell in love with a girl who i could have easily spent my life with. Throughout our relationship, several things showed me she could have been the perfect person for me. A month ago, she left me for another guy despite how i always did everything i could for her. I put herself first in every way shape and form.

 

So, i hope people don't settle. I don't want that for anyone. I myself have felt incredibly bitter as of late. I don't even really know much of what i want anymore. I know this doesn't answer your question, sorry. I just felt i could relate since my mind seems to head in the same direction that yours is lately

Its funny how we work as humans right? Love is such a powerful driving force in our lives that it can make so many other things not matter when its not going good. Hell, when we listen to music, a good 80% of the songs are about the opposite sex. Romantic love is damn strong.

 

Dont feel bitter about your heartbreak though. Its truly a good thing because you grow and figure out what you expect from a girlfriend. Trust me, the knowledge you have at 25, you would love to have had when you were younger and learning about love.

 

With the reflection I am able to do now, I have been able to realize some things about myself, and now know how to have a healthy relationship. I know what to expect from myself and others. Reflection is good because it shows us that the other party isnt always completely to blame in our heartbreaks. I was a good boyfriend and a crappy boyfriend at the same time to my ex.

 

And life goes on. Keep your head up kid.

Edited January 28, 2012 by kaylan

[kaylan]

This post here is sort of to sum up my current thoughts and feelings, since I have already responded to the other posts.

 

For the time being Im just gonna relax my mind and not think about this so much.

 

Im going to just focus on having fun while I am single. I will probably be single for a while as well. My views on love are very different than they were in my previous years. But I dont mind it so much anymore. Ive kind of accepted it as "hey I know myself and what I feel...and if the time comes where I can feel sure of someone elses feeling...then Ill becomes someones boyfriend"

 

Ive stopped idealizing love, and seeing it as something that last forever. Ive become more realistic, knowing that some things just run their course. Relationships begin, then end, and then you form new ones. I think accepting that has helped me gain some calm inside my body. While I am not ready to give my heart to anyone at the moment...at least when I do give my heart to a girl, I am going in without expectations of forever or failure. It can either work, or it cannot.

 

My gut knows when things feel right. Gut being my heart and mind working in tandem. Its like a sit-down session where my heart receives advice from my mind lol. I always saw the mind as the heart's big brother.

 

Anyways, that being said, my guts always been pretty accurate...so I have to pay more attention to it from now on. And also not be outcome oriented.

Edited January 28, 2012 by kaylan

[plowguy1]

As one of those, borderline suicidal divorced guys, I can tell you you are smart to think like this. I was 26 when I met her, she was 20. I felt I loved her and I did. 16 yrs and 3 kids later, she fell out of love with me. I dont know if it wouldve been better to not get married and have my children, It is magical to build a life with someone. To see her now SO happy is the worst thing Ive ever had to go through. almost 3 yrs later, I'm still struggling. My kids are the only thing keeping me going.

Dating is extremely hard at this stage, I have kids, all the women I meet have kids. Its really hard to blend families and ways of life. I fear for the people of your generation, youve grown up in an even more instant gratifcation world.

It is a leap of faith in a lot of ways, but if I could give you any advice, it would be be VERY careful! look for any signs of being overly selfish. marriage is hard, worthwhile, but hard. always communicate, and make a pact to try everything before cosidering divorce. It is the worst thing in the world, worse than losing a loved one to death, because they CHOSE to leave you. Then you get to see them go off and be very happy. Kids are torn between accepting her new beau and seeing you just trying to get through the day. I've lost my faith, but theres a reason the bible says God hates divorce. It is awful

[xxoo]

I supremely dislike that "love" all of a sudden just happens around 30 years of age. It feels forced, and at times is forced by some people. Instead of waiting for the right person, some settle on thinking its the right time to settle down.

 

But love doesn't suddenly happen at 30.

 

Love happens in teens, and early 20s. But as you've experienced, those early loves often don't manifest into workable longterm relationships. The people aren't mature enough.

 

Around 30, many people are ready to get married and start a family. Love experienced at 30 isn't any more or less real than love at 20, but it is usually much better timing!

 

Have faith. You will fall head over heels in love, at the right time, and you will just KNOW. It won't be settling. People like you don't settle

[gaius]

Reality can be a tough blow Kaylan. I remember watching Vanilla Sky when I was younger and thinking how wonderful it would be to have a relationship like that, where you accept and love each other no matter what happens. It isn't like that though. Relationships can still be pretty awesome nevertheless.

 

People get married and have kids for a variety of different reasons, it usually has little to do with the fact their 30th birthday is coming up this year. When you're ready to let your guard down and open yourself up you'll know. Until then don't sweat it.

[ditzchic]

Uhhh. My movie was Titanic. Since I've been 16 I've been dreaming of meeting my Jack. My guy I would sacrifice my world and risk my life for just because I knew he was the one after 3 days. But being a month away from 30, I logically know that probably isn't going to happen now.

 

My basic philosophy on this stuff is you won't get what your dream until you're ready for it. If your heart is only half in it, if you aren't really sure what it is you are seeking, you will never really know when it hits you. I'm slowly getting to the point where I am ready for it. I know how to recognize the signs that certain feelings are for real. Its gonna happen for me soon. It'll happen for you too, K.

[xxoo]

Gosh, you guys were heavily influenced by movies!

 

Didn't you have any real life examples of love and marriage to look up to?

 

I was lucky to have two parents who loved each other and stayed together. But they were a little boring, imo, and I hoped for a bit more romance .

 

I found what I wanted for myself in Cliff and Clair Huxtable of The Cosby Show (yes, I was a child of the 80s!). They weren't the story of finding love. They were the story of maintaining love over the years, with kids and careers.

 

With kids aged 5-18+, Cliff and Clair would find moments to slow dance to jazz in the living room. After a long day at work (supposedly--we never actually saw them working, lol!), Cliff would pull Clair's foot onto his lap and massage her feet. Clair would never fail to giggle like a school girl when Cliff gave her "that look".

 

That's what I wanted for my marriage. And I've got to say, I've pretty much got it! It's no whirlwind romance. Like the Cosby Show, it's mostly kids driving us slowly mad . But the moments are there, and the love....the love is real (well, our is. They were just acting )

[FitChick]

I'm a late bloomer and didn't date seriously until I turned 40 when I realized I wouldn't be young forever. The older you get, the quicker time passes and it's scary.

 

It's silly being influenced by movies, TV and books. Too many writers are social misfits, live in a fantasy world, and are isolated due to the nature of their work, so use writing as therapy. If they are lucky, they can earn a living but most don't. If you've read biographies of famous writers, you know that is true. I also have had many friends who are/were writers (not wannabes, but published and produced). "Those who can do; those who can't teach." However, I believe they can channel wisdom from somewhere and we can occasionally learn a thing or two.

[Sugarkane]

Kaylan i'm the same age as you abd have been thinking The same things! It does seem that people think oh crap I'm 30, I better catch up! I'm interested in why people settle down with someone. What happened to all their other "The ones" over the years? I am so interested why people marry at our age, while everyone else wants to sleep around and party.

[Sugarkane]

I don't know it seems if you make plans, then godaughs at you! Even getting married, there us still a 50% divorce rate. And I have co workers that always ask me, why don't I have kids yet. As if I should get myself knocked up by anyone!