donnamaybe Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 Yea...and the flip side of the scenario is that for my mom and BSs like her, it can be argued that you're not disposable, as years have passed and this person keeps getting different OW but you're still there and they don't leave you and will cry, apologize and do whatever (for a certain time anyway) so that you don't leave. But really....what does this mean? I do believe some women take it as love and I do think some can turn a blind eye feeling comfort in the fact that OW come and go...but they are still the "reigning queen". For me though, that is not enough and the same scrutiny has to be applied to BSs in this scenario as it should be to OW in ongoing As, waiting. Everyone deserves someone who will love, honor, respect and not hurt them, especially continuously. All women and men should look at their relationship: marriage, A, dating and really see with their eyes open if they are being loved, honored and respected. That's really the hallmark of a good relationship. Just because someone marries you or stays with you etc does not mean they are capable of loving, honoring and respecting you and if they can't do that (like my dad can't) is their kind of "love" or the fact that they don't see you as disposable really important? I feel exactly the same. My man MUST respect my feelings, and my feelings are that I would be hurt if he were involved with another woman. I don't think any of the reconciled M's that are spoken of by the BS's on this forum are of that type that has the WS running amok every time they get a wandering eye. And as for the statement that 90% of cheaters are of the type that your father is? I think that's a stat someone just pulled out of you-know-where.
TigerCub Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 And if the cheater repents and takes steps to "fix" their broken inside and stays with their spouse? Are you saying, for example, that the many BS's who have reconciled have spouses that don't love them properly? If I were one of the many folks on here who have reconciled after an A I would be pretty upset to read declarations that my spouse is incapable of changing his ways. Sometimes it isn't "selfishness" that causes a person to go off and do something like that. Sometimes it's just plain old "screwedupedness" which can be rectified via therapy. If the cheater does what's in bold, then of course no one can say that they didn't try to do what's right and no one can really question their love and dedication. I was talking about during an affair. If you were that spouse that was getting cheated on, would you really feel that you were loved at that time?
TigerCub Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 This is true. My dad got two women pregnant before he was with my mom...and it came to light he got one women pregnant WHILE with her smh. However, he is married to her and not these other people. He "chose" her. He has had countless OW....but has never chosen to leave to be with them and always comes back begging and crying (witnessed this one myself) when he is found out. They "reconcile"......and the shenanigans continue. I am sure he he "loves her" and has claimed the best years of his life are with her and us and blah blah but that type of love is certainly not honest and selfless and certainly not the type of "love" I want. Rightfully, my dad has never actually fixed anything. So I do think it is possible to have a genuine reconciliation in which things do change and you grow as a person and therefore grow in love....but for some, that doesn't happen.They just remain together with the appearance that things have changed....or with it being obvious nothing has changed. I agree with all you said MissBee. Honestly, why would someone stick with anyone else if they don't love them? The MM and MW love their spouses in some capacity, but if there is no change and its a constant repeat of the same offense - then that isn't the type of healthy love IMO at least, and I wouldn't want it. This also goes for OM/OW, so what they choose to keep coming to you for the side dish, but really? Is that ever enough? In an affair the cheater may feel love for both the spouse and the AP, but unless a decision is made, changes are made, that's not fair to anyone.
MissBee Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 I agree with all you said MissBee. Honestly, why would someone stick with anyone else if they don't love them? The MM and MW love their spouses in some capacity, but if there is no change and its a constant repeat of the same offense - then that isn't the type of healthy love IMO at least, and I wouldn't want it. This also goes for OM/OW, so what they choose to keep coming to you for the side dish, but really? Is that ever enough? In an affair the cheater may feel love for both the spouse and the AP, but unless a decision is made, changes are made, that's not fair to anyone. Yepp! I have long decided though that I don't care what someone "feels" for me....as you can feel anything you want....how you treat me and are your actions matching your words and are you respecting me etc are the things that matter. So feel all you want But yea, as you said: some type of change or definitive action has to be made by this person. Sometimes as the BS one is better off if your unchanged WS leaves to be with the OW...and sometimes as the OW you're better off with this person throwing you under the bus and going back to their W. As in the end...for both women, if this person has not changed, then whether you are the wife he stayed with or the OW he ran off with....you still have the same man on your hands that may be no prize at all! When I see OW getting on LS to gloat that "MM do leave"...I am thoroughly unimpressed. It's not me being negative, it's me thinking okay and what? He was married to someone once who may have thought she won the lottery with him and look what happened. What steps has he taken to prove to you that things will be different? Simply leaving doesn't mean anything. Likewise, if a BS were to gloat that well he stayed with me....again, unimpressed until I see what changes and improvements have been made towards a healthier relationship. I do think sometimes on both sides the competition is there where people lose sight of the real point...and don't realize that now that you have your "trophy"....what next? Until I hear the what next...a MM leaving or staying means zero to me.
donnamaybe Posted December 22, 2011 Posted December 22, 2011 If you were that spouse that was getting cheated on, would you really feel that you were loved at that time? Perhaps not, but what someone feels and what is, in fact, reality are often two different things. I think, for different reasons of course, many of the past AP on this forum would agree.
Author NoIDidn't Posted December 23, 2011 Author Posted December 23, 2011 Hi All! I hope everyone is enjoying the Holiday Season! Sorry I've been away after starting this thread. And the conversation is so varied and interesting. I recently ran into a former OW acquaintance that had MM's baby and she is still speaking poorly of his W. I think it is hurt and inability to say bad things about him while still wanting him. So she attacked the W's intelligence and other things for staying with him. And its so sad. She's not being the mom she could be because she's so angry (her words) and her son looks just like his dad. The pain is so palpable in her words. So I agree with Miss Bee. Initially, I thought it was anger, but its more hurt expressed as anger. I hope she heals one day. Her son is adorable.
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