woinlove Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I do not blame the wife, but charm is no excuse. I believe people would quit feeling sorry for someone if they continued to invite the same thief over, again and again, only to have there possessions stolen, and then being in shock that they were robbed. I also do not expect any sympathy for my role in this regardless the outcome. Is that your point? You don't want people to feel sorry for the BW? She isn't here asking for sympathy, so this is really beside the point. Or are you trying to relieve some guilt for your role in deception by telling yourself that she deserves to be deceived?
donnamaybe Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I think what may be going on sometimes is that the AP is actually PO'd that the BS won't kick the WS out so that he/she can find out how truly wonderful their AP is in every facet of life. Kinda hard to do that with the little bits of stolen time that are generally available in an A situation. Then, when the BS kicks the cheater to the curb, the AP can have him/her all to themselves.
MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Then why are you on a support forum for OW? Why would I not be, do I have to be emotionly crippled in order to do so. There are plenty of great responses from many strong OW I have had the pleasure in reading. I ask why are non OW/MM commenting on this board if there are apparent rules of who can post here. I am a problem solver, but apparently dysfunction, cheating, and lies are not a problem in their marriage, maybe they get a thrill off the drama and co dependency. I wouldn't. I am not looking for committment with this man, and no I would not trust a serial cheater or place one in my future. That may also be why he stays, he can depend on the fact that she will and has put up with years of cheating, most would have the self esteem, and guts to leave him in their dust. Yes, we have chemistry, we have fun, and I do not wish to be in a relationship that I have to be on constant gaurd to if my spouse is behaving. This is the choice she made. It is also her husbands responsibility to not chase other women, acting as if he is single, and when it comes to dating, claiming they are seperated, done, yuck, fighting, relationship is unbearable and terrible ON BOTH SIDES, foot out the door, the marriage is as good as over.
woinlove Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Why would I not be, do I have to be emotionly crippled in order to do so. There are plenty of great responses from many strong OW I have had the pleasure in reading. I ask why are non OW/MM commenting on this board if there are apparent rules of who can post here. I am a problem solver, but apparently dysfunction, cheating, and lies are not a problem in their marriage, maybe they get a thrill off the drama and co dependency. I wouldn't. I am not looking for committment with this man, and no I would not trust a serial cheater or place one in my future. That may also be why he stays, he can depend on the fact that she will and has put up with years of cheating, most would have the self esteem, and guts to leave him in their dust. Yes, we have chemistry, we have fun, and I do not wish to be in a relationship that I have to be on constant gaurd to if my spouse is behaving. This is the choice she made. It is also her husbands responsibility to not chase other women, acting as if he is single, and when it comes to dating, claiming they are seperated, done, yuck, fighting, relationship is unbearable and terrible ON BOTH SIDES, foot out the door, the marriage is as good as over. So, when do you plan to start your future?
MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Is that your point? You don't want people to feel sorry for the BW? She isn't here asking for sympathy, so this is really beside the point. Or are you trying to relieve some guilt for your role in deception by telling yourself that she deserves to be deceived? I am not asking for her not to have sympathy, but it is dificult when someone knowingly places them in such a situation for their own selfish needs. If I was to have children with the physical abuser, how much blame would be placed on me when he started abusing the children. I knew what he was, and it was my responsibility to leave the situation and not place a family in a dysfunctional position. Past behavoir predicts future, so I am not sure why she expects him to metamorphis into a faithful, loving husband and why she puts up with it. Again her issues, not mine. I am not going to continue being his therapist, nor verge on becoming hers. They might just deserve eachother.
MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 So, when do you plan to start your future? Who says I haven't, I am free to do as I wish.
MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Um, that was kind of my point. If you're just in it for the fun and the sex and the so-called chemistry, then why are you analyzing him OR her? Why do you care? Why bother? Why not just lie back and enjoy the ride? Excellent question. Perhaps there's an agenda here. I'm reminded of what Owl likes to say about feeding and starving. I have been in it for the chemistry and fun. I am asking on this board, the experiences of OM/OW, because he makes it a point again and again to display how miserable he is. I have gained some excellent feed back. If i decide to see him again, and he mentions this, I will motion him to zip his lips, and make the comment, if she makes you so miserable, grow some balls and leave her.
woinlove Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Who says I haven't, I am free to do as I wish. Have you ended things with MM? You said you wouldn't want a serial cheater in your future, but if you are still involved with him, then you have one in your present. Hence, the question, when do you plan to start your future? Even if you have ended things with MM, it is clear he (and his W) are occupying your thoughts.
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I In my sitch, I only had empathy, initially, for the OW: A divorced mom of a single child, I easily understood how vulnerable she must have been to my mid-life crisising, depressed fWS. Two years later when she and I finally spoke, I was shocked at how angry and venomous she was to me. Just seething and somewhat contemptuous. Spark, you don't seriously believe this do you? The one who is angry and venomous is YOU!!! Your venom towards the OW drips from everything you have posted here! I think you feel the need to constantly say out loud: he choose me not you...
MissBee Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Have you ended things with MM? You said you wouldn't want a serial cheater in your future, but if you are still involved with him, then you have one in your present. Hence, the question, when do you plan to start your future? Even if you have ended things with MM, it is clear he (and his W) are occupying your thoughts. Ditto! Those are my same sentiments and queries as well. MyAopology seems so cocnerned about these people and looking down on the wife in particular, when she is doing the very thing she is looking down on this woman for. It doesn't compute.
MyApology Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Have you ended things with MM? You said you wouldn't want a serial cheater in your future, but if you are still involved with him, then you have one in your present. Hence, the question, when do you plan to start your future? Even if you have ended things with MM, it is clear he (and his W) are occupying your thoughts. She does not occupy my thoughts, I have never spoke of her unless he brings it up. He is the one who constantly speaks of his misery. I barely comment. With the history he shared, I was questioning what I have posted to attempt a further understanding. I feel guilty and I feel sorry for their situation. Hopefully they both come to a healthy understanding of what love trully is and start living a life that fulfills eachother with only 'eachother.' That would be my wish.
skylarblue Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I never blamed the W for him not leaving her for me. I never wanted or expected him to do so. If he did leave his W, I’d have wanted it to be of his own volition and due to his unhappiness in his M, not for me. I did have a lot of ill feelings about his W though simply because I felt she was not living up to the standards of being a W and therefore was at fault for him cheating on her. The standards: she didn’t keep her appearance up, she didn’t “cater” to him, she didn’t make him feel appreciated or “manly”, she didn’t know her place, she didn’t know how to treat him like a husband should be. Towards the end of our R, my ill feelings turned to animosity. Now I hated her because despite all the things I was that she wasn’t, he still was content enough to play the “happy” couple and resume their daily lives and family outings and vacations and gatherings, and vehemently deny any A was taking place in order to keep his M intact. I didn’t understand how/why she would put up with years of suspicion of him cheating on her. I thought she was weak and pathetic for allowing it, different from me because I was the one who was better than her. He cheated on her not me, and I got him to do so. She was the one in the dark being lied to. I was the “winner”, the “better” woman. I really thought she was the “lesser woman” and it upset me that she was the receiver of all the benefits as his W and he was happy with that.
donnamaybe Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Really? I've never read it that way. Personally, I've always thought Spark was a little nutty (I mean that in a nice way) for having empathy for an OW who intentionally set out to destroy her marriage. But isn't that what this thread is about? Discussing why an OW spends time wondering about/bashing the BS? Peace out kids. I got work to do.Ironic, innit? The very subject of the thread at work in the thread.
reboot Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 No offense meant, but this is pretty funny. You blame HER for HIM cheating. She didn't "cater" to him or make him feel "appreciated" or "manly", she didn't know "her place". Please. HE could have divorced her, but instead HE chose to cheat on her. HE was nothing more than a classic cake eater who chose to have his thrills on the side while maintaining his marriage as the more important thing in his life. I'm not sure how you feel that makes you "the winner". The truth is, you AND his wife were both losers for being with such a man. I never blamed the W for him not leaving her for me. I never wanted or expected him to do so. If he did leave his W, I’d have wanted it to be of his own volition and due to his unhappiness in his M, not for me. I did have a lot of ill feelings about his W though simply because I felt she was not living up to the standards of being a W and therefore was at fault for him cheating on her. The standards: she didn’t keep her appearance up, she didn’t “cater” to him, she didn’t make him feel appreciated or “manly”, she didn’t know her place, she didn’t know how to treat him like a husband should be. Towards the end of our R, my ill feelings turned to animosity. Now I hated her because despite all the things I was that she wasn’t, he still was content enough to play the “happy” couple and resume their daily lives and family outings and vacations and gatherings, and vehemently deny any A was taking place in order to keep his M intact. I didn’t understand how/why she would put up with years of suspicion of him cheating on her. I thought she was weak and pathetic for allowing it, different from me because I was the one who was better than her. He cheated on her not me, and I got him to do so. She was the one in the dark being lied to. I was the “winner”, the “better” woman. I really thought she was the “lesser woman” and it upset me that she was the receiver of all the benefits as his W and he was happy with that.
woinlove Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 She does not occupy my thoughts, I have never spoke of her unless he brings it up. He is the one who constantly speaks of his misery. I barely comment. With the history he shared, I was questioning what I have posted to attempt a further understanding. I feel guilty and I feel sorry for their situation. Hopefully they both come to a healthy understanding of what love trully is and start living a life that fulfills eachother with only 'eachother.' That would be my wish. I don't think you have to wish anything for either of them. I'd focus on what you wish for yourself. If you don't want a serial cheater in your future, that future you want could start today, tomorrow or at the end of the week. Or you could put it off indefinitely and keep living a present that doesn't align with what you say you want for your future. The choice is yours.
Spark1111 Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Spark, you don't seriously believe this do you? The one who is angry and venomous is YOU!!! Your venom towards the OW drips from everything you have posted here! I think you feel the need to constantly say out loud: he choose me not you... Ahhhh Pink, keep reading my backstory. I don't have a mean bone in my body, ask anyone here at LS. He didn't choose me. I chose to give him a chance....EVENTUALLY...to see if we could even attempt reconciliation. I'm happy today I did. I'm the BS who gave him carte blanche to be with his soulmate if that would make him happy. Didn't want his money (make my own); didn't manipulate his children to turn against him (encouraged them to respect her if that is who he would have in his life) and made plans to move on with my future. Either you have me confused with someone else, or I think maybe you are projecting here.
Owl Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I have been in it for the chemistry and fun. I am asking on this board, the experiences of OM/OW, because he makes it a point again and again to display how miserable he is. I have gained some excellent feed back. If i decide to see him again, and he mentions this, I will motion him to zip his lips, and make the comment, if she makes you so miserable, grow some balls and leave her. He demonstrates to you how miserable he is because it gains him your sympathy and keeps you active in the affair. He's a serial cheater...he's done this before...he's practiced at it, and understands what buttons to push in order to get what he wants. From you, and from his wife. While I understand why you'd wonder why she stays with him...I still don't get why YOU would "invite a thief" into your life, as you've described the BW as having done? You KNOW he lies to her, know he has cheated on her repeatedly...how does this balance with you're apparent desire to have him in YOUR life?
bentnotbroken Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Spark, you don't seriously believe this do you? The one who is angry and venomous is YOU!!! Your venom towards the OW drips from everything you have posted here! I think you feel the need to constantly say out loud: he choose me not you... :eek::eek:Spark? You seeing something no one else sees.
RecordProducer Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I've just never understood why it becomes a woman vs. woman scenario.I kinda like the woman vs. woman scenario. One woman attacks the other over her property. The property should remain where it is until the women decide to whom it belongs. I don't get why both women let the property string them along and make up its undecisive, sleazy, creepy mind.
freestyle Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 :eek::eek:Spark? You seeing something no one else sees. Agreed---Spark has been consistently gracious & often helpful to the OW on LS here---which; considering her backstory----speaks volumes about how NOT venomous she is. I was also pretty stunned to see that statement as well.
RecordProducer Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I'm the BS who gave him carte blanche to be with his soulmate if that would make him happy. Didn't want his money (make my own); didn't manipulate his children to turn against him (encouraged them to respect her if that is who he would have in his life) and made plans to move on with my future.So, you basically told him, "Okay... (yawn)... let me know ifyou need help packing... Oh, you have shirts in the (yawn)... dryer, don't forget them. Bye and good luck, say hi to Jennifer!" And he chose you. Of course. This is what all wives should do. And then pick up the phone and call their new boyfriends right in front of the husband. INDIFFERENCE ALWAYS WINS!!!
Brokenlady Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 :eek::eek:Spark? You seeing something no one else sees. Yeah, I don't see that either. It is clear that spark doesn't like the ow in her sitch, but you can hardly blame her for that, given all she's gone through. She generally has an uncommon level of empathy for ow's.
thomasb Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Spark, you don't seriously believe this do you? The one who is angry and venomous is YOU!!! Your venom towards the OW drips from everything you have posted here! I think you feel the need to constantly say out loud: he choose me not you... Wow, you just took s##t and smeared it on any reason anyone would listen to any one of your posts! Spark is one of the nicest, sweetest most empathic people here. You have just shown the world of LS who the bitter, angry people are. And its not Spark woman.
thomasb Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 Ahhhh Pink, keep reading my backstory. I don't have a mean bone in my body, ask anyone here at LS. He didn't choose me. I chose to give him a chance....EVENTUALLY...to see if we could even attempt reconciliation. I'm happy today I did. I'm the BS who gave him carte blanche to be with his soulmate if that would make him happy. Didn't want his money (make my own); didn't manipulate his children to turn against him (encouraged them to respect her if that is who he would have in his life) and made plans to move on with my future. Either you have me confused with someone else, or I think maybe you are projecting here. Spark, he did choose you. Want to know why? You have class! Same with my dear wife!
NotMolly Posted December 12, 2011 Posted December 12, 2011 I never blamed the W for him not leaving her for me. I never wanted or expected him to do so. If he did leave his W, I’d have wanted it to be of his own volition and due to his unhappiness in his M, not for me. I did have a lot of ill feelings about his W though simply because I felt she was not living up to the standards of being a W and therefore was at fault for him cheating on her. The standards: she didn’t keep her appearance up, she didn’t “cater” to him, she didn’t make him feel appreciated or “manly”, she didn’t know her place, she didn’t know how to treat him like a husband should be. Towards the end of our R, my ill feelings turned to animosity. Now I hated her because despite all the things I was that she wasn’t, he still was content enough to play the “happy” couple and resume their daily lives and family outings and vacations and gatherings, and vehemently deny any A was taking place in order to keep his M intact. I didn’t understand how/why she would put up with years of suspicion of him cheating on her. I thought she was weak and pathetic for allowing it, different from me because I was the one who was better than her. He cheated on her not me, and I got him to do so. She was the one in the dark being lied to. I was the “winner”, the “better” woman. I really thought she was the “lesser woman” and it upset me that she was the receiver of all the benefits as his W and he was happy with that.Aren't you sweet? I'll bet your parents are so proud. My OW is just like you. She blames me for him straying, she blames me for him staying. It's as if she thinks I have him chained down in the basement, with his wee testicles planted in the pockets of my mom jeans. I don't pretend to comprehend. Thanks to my attorney, those two will have a lot to comprehend come the New Year. Let me tell you something, honey. Their marriage is none of your business, even if he invited you to make it so. I'm sure a lot of girls think like you. Men will always be willing to have sex with girls like you, but they never marry them. Remember girls, a lady never accepts every invitation extended to her.
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