Is it ever worth the fight??

[Celestine]

Suppose you are in a situation where a person is not only dating you but one other person. It's clearly progressing towards a relationship-type of thing, you just don't know if you will be lucky enough to be chosen by him/her.

 

In such a situation would you put in effort and fight with your heart to get that person. To be the one chosen and not the one that's left standing there alone. Why would you fight for someone who doesn't like you enough to be able to make you a choice? And if you were to "win", would you feel inferior to the person then because they had option and the only reason they chose you was that you put everything you had out there?

Wouldn't you feel much stronger walking away even though you you'd feel that subtle pain of giving something up that potentially could have been good? Or would you feel regret because you didn't even give it a shot?

 

Before you ask, I'm in a similar situation right now and I grabbed my things and walked away but I'm struggling. I'm in college and I'm only heading home for christmas on the 23rd. He's about the only person here who leaves later, the rest leaves on 21st. I'm so tempted to spend these last two days with him, I'm pretty sure he'd be up for it. It's only seven week until I leave the country all together, so sometimes I just wonder if I should give in to the temptation and do something that I'd usually consider below my standards.

Ahh, my head keeps spinning and I just don't know what to do...

[counterman]

What do you mean by 'fight'? If you mean giving him everything he wants, whenever he wants...then I would say no one is worth 'fighting' for.

 

IMO, you should always put your best foot forward as a person. If he knows you're interested in a relationship and that you want more, then the rest is on him to make a decision. Most importantly, have you expressed that you do want an exclusive relationship? Maybe that would be a good idea. But to be honest, if this has been going on for a while, I would just walk away. Someone who leads you on for that long and makes you uncertain of yourself and the relationship is not worth 'fighting' for. You shouldn't feel inferior because you put a full-hearted effort... and there's nothing wrong with that. As for giving a shot...well, it takes two to tango -- what's there to give up? He's dating another person.

 

Look, you clearly know what you want. I'm just not sure he does. I don't know the exact details, so maybe you could clarify... like, how long have you been dating for?

 

NEVER do anything below your standards.

[Celestine]

What do you mean by 'fight'? If you mean giving him everything he wants, whenever he wants...then I would say no one is worth 'fighting' for.

 

Well, I guess by 'fight' I mean the emotional rollercoaster you put yourself on in such a situation.

 

IMO, you should always put your best foot forward as a person. If he knows you're interested in a relationship and that you want more, then the rest is on him to make a decision. Most importantly, have you expressed that you do want an exclusive relationship? Maybe that would be a good idea. But to be honest, if this has been going on for a while, I would just walk away. Someone who leads you on for that long and makes you uncertain of yourself and the relationship is not worth 'fighting' for. You shouldn't feel inferior because you put a full-hearted effort... and there's nothing wrong with that. As for giving a shot...well, it takes two to tango -- what's there to give up? He's dating another person.

 

Look, you clearly know what you want. I'm just not sure he does. I don't know the exact details, so maybe you could clarify... like, how long have you been dating for?

It's not that easy because I really don't know what I want. I'm not good at casual realationships and I know that, so basically it's one guy at a time for me. And it is incredibly hard for me to deal with the fact that he doesn't feel the same way. On the other hand, I know I'll be on the other side of the earth in 7 weeks, so I could just have some fun with him. In any case, anytime I see him with her, I know that I do care.

It's been such a game in the last week and I just don't know whose cards I'm playing with.

I'll post an excerpt from another thread to give you an idea:

I think it's a good thing for me to end this because even though I'd like to not know when he meets her, it is simply impossible. We are in the same wider circle of friends, so is she. She's actually in his inner circle of friends. We go out to the same place at least once a week. Problem is he doesn't stand by what he's doing.

It goes like this, he thinks I'm not going because I was sick the day before. He walks into the bar, holding hands with her. He sees me, I smile, in his face I can see shock, amazement and guilt. So he let's her hand go, keeps his distance. He comes over to say hi, tries to explain himself and I have to tell him there's no need to do this because I already know, I'm not the only girl in his life.

A little later I leave the room, he follows me and starts some silly conversation, wants to have a drink with me and can't keep his hands of me. He kisses my cheek, my hair, my forehead, well you get the picture. I tell him to back off. He tries to convince me to come with him. I tell him no.

Later I dance with some guy, he gets jealous, stares at us, passes several times accidentally shoving me. I'm annoyed by his behaviour, this guy starts kissing me, he grabs her, chooses the friend of his that is dancing closest to me and screams "We are going home now!". they go.

I've been seeing him for about 2 1/2 months, it was casual but intense. He got to know her around 7 weeks in from what I know. Well one night he kissed her in front of me, which I thought was highly disrespectful. We talked and he apologized for what had happened and told me he had broken up with his ex just a month before he met me. He said he wasn't able to invest anything. We didn't see each other for two weeks, then we met to catch up initiated by me. The night went like this, we went back to his place. It got hot and heavy but he stopped himself and repeated to me that he didn't want anything serious. I said I didn't know if it was ok for me and that I would have to figure it out by trying and would let him know if it wasn't. He kept saying the usual stuff, you know I like you a lot but I can't invest in this. He said he was such a mess after his last break up, he is just too afraid of the risk of being hurt.

I spent the night at his place because it was too late to get home. He was super affectionate like he usually is. Holding me, kissing my face, back, hands, arms etc. but he would refuse to kiss me on the mouth and he didn't want to sleep with me. Go figure, usually he woke up during the night asking me for some attention, this time when I tried he said let's just sleep.

 

I don't know what to make out of this, so I put a stop to the situation and said I didn't want to see him anymore but I'm not sure that's true..

[counterman]

Well, I guess by 'fight' I mean the emotional rollercoaster you put yourself on in such a situation.

 

I've been through that emotional rollercoaster. It made me very unsure of myself and made be doubt myself and what I had with my ex-girlfriend so much. If a person is really worth it, such a rollercoaster wouldn't exist. You're not suffering for love. Basically, I was left almost dead inside and insecure as hell. It's not worth going through that for anyone.

 

It's not that easy because I really don't know what I want. I'm not good at casual realationships and I know that, so basically it's one guy at a time for me. And it is incredibly hard for me to deal with the fact that he doesn't feel the same way. On the other hand, I know I'll be on the other side of the earth in 7 weeks, so I could just have some fun with him. In any case, anytime I see him with her, I know that I do care.

It's been such a game in the last week and I just don't know whose cards I'm playing with.

I'll post an excerpt from another thread to give you an idea:

Quote:

I think it's a good thing for me to end this because even though I'd like to not know when he meets her, it is simply impossible. We are in the same wider circle of friends, so is she. She's actually in his inner circle of friends. We go out to the same place at least once a week. Problem is he doesn't stand by what he's doing.

It goes like this, he thinks I'm not going because I was sick the day before. He walks into the bar, holding hands with her. He sees me, I smile, in his face I can see shock, amazement and guilt. So he let's her hand go, keeps his distance. He comes over to say hi, tries to explain himself and I have to tell him there's no need to do this because I already know, I'm not the only girl in his life.

A little later I leave the room, he follows me and starts some silly conversation, wants to have a drink with me and can't keep his hands of me. He kisses my cheek, my hair, my forehead, well you get the picture. I tell him to back off. He tries to convince me to come with him. I tell him no.

Later I dance with some guy, he gets jealous, stares at us, passes several times accidentally shoving me. I'm annoyed by his behaviour, this guy starts kissing me, he grabs her, chooses the friend of his that is dancing closest to me and screams "We are going home now!". they go.

I've been seeing him for about 2 1/2 months, it was casual but intense. He got to know her around 7 weeks in from what I know. Well one night he kissed her in front of me, which I thought was highly disrespectful. We talked and he apologized for what had happened and told me he had broken up with his ex just a month before he met me. He said he wasn't able to invest anything. We didn't see each other for two weeks, then we met to catch up initiated by me. The night went like this, we went back to his place. It got hot and heavy but he stopped himself and repeated to me that he didn't want anything serious. I said I didn't know if it was ok for me and that I would have to figure it out by trying and would let him know if it wasn't. He kept saying the usual stuff, you know I like you a lot but I can't invest in this. He said he was such a mess after his last break up, he is just too afraid of the risk of being hurt.

I spent the night at his place because it was too late to get home. He was super affectionate like he usually is. Holding me, kissing my face, back, hands, arms etc. but he would refuse to kiss me on the mouth and he didn't want to sleep with me. Go figure, usually he woke up during the night asking me for some attention, this time when I tried he said let's just sleep.

 

I don't know what to make out of this, so I put a stop to the situation and said I didn't want to see him anymore but I'm not sure that's true..

 

Sounds like some massive game, especially what happened at the party; it's just extremely toxic... The things guys would do to have sex with girls, let me tell you, they would say anything. I wouldn't buy into all his affectionate behaviour, because his other behaviour speaks volumes of what he really wants -- hun, you want to be the best or nothing, second best sucks. And this push and pull effect that's going on isn't really healthy either and it seems like he is in a real mess at the moment and probably unsure of what's going on. If you accept any behaviour from him and you accept it for yourself, he would think its right, even if he apologises for anything. You have to be serious now, you honestly cannot put up with all that crap, can you?

 

Not seeing him would be the best thing for you but its hard because it seems like part of you wants to see him and want to earn his approval, earn his choice of you. But he's got to get himself together before he can commit to anything and if he says he's scared of being hurt, fine -- but going through this with him would just prolong your suffering and he's not going to figure out anything by continuing this way. Look, it might be fun here and there but it'll mess you up inside and the longer you continue contact with him, the longer your suffering would prolong which would prevent you meeting someone decent. I don't know what else to say.

[Andy_K]

I don't 'compete'. I can do without the hassle. If someone doesn't think I'm amazing after a few dates I'm just not interested.

 

If I'm dating a girl, she either likes me a lot very quickly and drops any other guys she may be seeing, or she won't be taken seriously.

[oldguy]

If the other person is dating other people it doesn't sound like the relationship has progressed that far.

I would also wonder why the first person is not dating other people as well. Could it be a self confidence or security issue? I think we too often tend to put our SO's too high up on pedestals. I believe in putting your best foot forward everyday & doing your best to nurture your relationship but not at the cost of ones own self worth. I just don't think it's healthy & believe it is the source of a lot of the heart break & RJ seen here so often.

If you really want to love your partner, you've got to love yourself. That would be my opinion.

[Celestine]

 

Sounds like some massive game, especially what happened at the party; it's just extremely toxic... The things guys would do to have sex with girls, let me tell you, they would say anything. I wouldn't buy into all his affectionate behaviour, because his other behaviour speaks volumes of what he really wants -- hun, you want to be the best or nothing, second best sucks. And this push and pull effect that's going on isn't really healthy either and it seems like he is in a real mess at the moment and probably unsure of what's going on. If you accept any behaviour from him and you accept it for yourself, he would think its right, even if he apologises for anything. You have to be serious now, you honestly cannot put up with all that crap, can you?

 

Not seeing him would be the best thing for you but its hard because it seems like part of you wants to see him and want to earn his approval, earn his choice of you. But he's got to get himself together before he can commit to anything and if he says he's scared of being hurt, fine -- but going through this with him would just prolong your suffering and he's not going to figure out anything by continuing this way. Look, it might be fun here and there but it'll mess you up inside and the longer you continue contact with him, the longer your suffering would prolong which would prevent you meeting someone decent. I don't know what else to say.

 

Thanks a lot, I think that's what I needed to hear, I need some approval that it was the right decision, that I shouldn't give in to the temptation. I'll laugh at it it in half a year but right now it sucks.

[counterman]

No problems, we'll always have your back If you have any creeping doubts or any issues, feel free to express it here on the forums. It's gonna be tough and there'll be times when you want to contact him, but try to focus on other things in your life, things that make YOU happy, a hobby, an interest, new non-mutual friends, anything.

 

I'm with Andy, I don't 'compete'. A girl is either interested or not; in between, wishy-washy doesn't cut it for me.

 

Oldguy is right. Is he really such an amazing guy? Reading your paragraph objectively, and I can tell he's not THAT amazing. Trust me, you're not losing much by walking away from this. I made the mistake of putting absolutely everything in a relationship with a girl I thought was worth it... in the end, I loss my self-respect and self-worth. Love yourself, and know that you are better than that and that you don't have to accept this.