Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

[colosseum]

I feel stupid.

 

There's this kid whom I was taken with a couple of years ago. Her charm and sincerity enamored me, and I asked her out on a date, at the end of which I gave her her first kiss (ever). It was to this day the best date I have gone on, not for the things we did (really, we just had dinner, dessert, then walked), but instead because of the inimitable chemistry that bounded between us.

 

A couple of months passed while she left for summer break (I think...? the details elude me). Though time elapsed, we stayed in touch by phone and I wanted to relive the sincerity and chemistry of that date. So I tried to reconnect with her, but when I showed up in person, she simply expressed no interest.

 

Fooled me once.

 

Zoom to a couple of years later to today (and through a couple of relationships for each of us) when I happen to have a job in her neck of the woods. Since having moved, she and I met up for coffee and lunch. As we reconnected, I saw the charm that enraptured me that first date, but I remained wary from the first time I felt duped. I had wanted to take things easily because for some reason, being "fooled" (since, really, I was deceiving myself into thinking she liked me after that perfect date and kiss) somehow really broke my heart. And that scar has lingered, in spite of the relationships I'd been through, because she was so charming.So I took things really easily--just coffee, lunch--like old friends (since, after all, we have been friends). I thought I saw hints--sparks--though, that perhaps she was interested in continuing this.

 

So after a couple of preliminary "hang-out"s and catching up when I felt that we were on good terms and had built a good rapport, I decided to "go big or go home" by setting the tone for what I wanted: big date dinner place at a fine dining restaurant (read: $$$), flowers, and dessert bar; perhaps not as enthralling, but undoubtedly romantic. From the moment I pulled out the flowers, I knew she had different ideas. This reality was reaffirmed when I asked her if she would be interested in meeting under different terms (read: romantically), and she answered that she wasn't quite ready (read: not ready for me). Deep down, throughout the evening, I knew; I guess I just wanted to be proven wrong.

 

Fooled me twice.

 

I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I let myself be roped in by her charm again. I'm ashamed that I fooled myself into thinking she might like me, and that maybe there was something more. I want to think that she is in part to blame, but that's foolish since 1) she did nothing outright wrong and 2) I saw only what I wanted to see (before, of course, I pulled out the flowers and saw her reaction). I'm embarrassed that I made a fool of myself, and that I put both of us in a position where the romantic path between us could be a hard one to ever get back to, if ever at all.

 

I just feel like such a dunce. I should have known it from the start, curse me.

 

This is dead, right? As dead as a beaten, trampled-upon, and shot-upon horse? There is nothing between me and her, right? I mean, rationally, I understand that I have anything to return to, but it's one of those instances (and wondering if anyone could relate) where you have a "soft-spot" for someone; a particular person can rope you in more quickly and mercilessly than others can. Maybe it's because I never met someone like her before.

 

Maybe that's also why I feel so stupid, too. Daggone it.