Naive Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 Ok, here it goes, The MM that I am involved with just left his wife!!!! I always thought that when that day came around (if it ever did) I would be the happiest woman on earth, but it was not like that at all!!! I am filled with guilt! Even though he tells me that it was going to happen sooner or later whether I was around or not, it does not help ease my guilt. I see him suffer because he's not around his 1 year old daughter as often as he was when they lived together. I hear his sadness in his voice. I care for him a lot and it hurts me to see him go through all of this because of me. I tried leaving him about a week ago so that he would go back with his wife but he told me that he would not go back even if I left him; that they did not get along since before I came back into his life. I really want what's best for him. I feel that his place is with his baby girl. Now I realize that I love him so much that I am willing to loose him as long as he is with his daughter. I never thought that things would go this far, but now that they have it's not the dream that I thought it would be, it's more like a nightmare. I want him to be happy. He told me that he will work something out with his wife in regards to seeing his baby, but she is not being very cooperative. I have repeatedly asked him to go back so that he can be happy but he just tells that he cannot be happy if I'm not in his life. What should I do? Do I walk away? Do I stay? Is it my fault? I am in the verge of loosing my mind!
Paradise Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 It's already too late. You should have thought of situations like this before you started to fool around with a MM. He made the decision, not you. It doesn’t matter if it's your fault or not.
kechara Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 First off, slow down and think about whose life you have control over. Figured it out? YOURS. This is about the hardest thing to realize in situations like this because your heart feels so tied to his. Sweetie, he is trying to make himself happy, even if you feel that he is not making the right decision. But you can do nothing about his actions. You can, however, do something about your own actions. You said you tried breaking up with him a week ago. Some best part of you was trying to do the right thing, and trying to correct the original harm you caused. And, I'm sure you were also scared. If he gets out of the marriage, there is automatically a sense that you are obligated to be there for him. After all, your mind is saying, "He left for me." So you go from an affair which usually means limits on the time spent together, and lots of sneaking around, to someone who is always there. Sounds a little scary, huh? And the question that goes through all of our minds..."How can I build a solid relationship on a foundation that is so rocky and guilt-filled?" Well, the bad news is that 80% of those relationships fail. The good news is that someone has to be the 20%. It's time to sit back and think about what you want from a partner. Don't think of him- think ideal. When you're done with your list, then decide if you're willing to take a chance on him. Best of luck.
krbshappy71 Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 Yup yup, you asked for it, you got it, Toyota. Now you got it and don't know what to do with it. Another marriage down the drain, how nice of you to participate. You wouldn't have ANY guilt if you truly accepted that you didn't have ANY thing to do with it. But you do have guilt, because you do know what role you played in this mess. Perhaps when his little girl is older and being shuffled between parents you can explain to her why you helped mess up her life. I'm sure she'd be very understanding.
zoomer Posted May 29, 2004 Posted May 29, 2004 The children are the innocent who suffer dearly in these situations. I know, I was the wife. Twin boys 6 years old...now 17 years old, resent many, many things from their childhood in a broken family. You have no way, absolutely No way of knowing the true problems in the marriage (even if he tells you) and he's obviously got a "fresh" interference that is effecting his ability to remember his vows...and seek counseling if necessary...not blaming him..it takes two to make a marriage work and your vows are tough to hold to anymore. Ex remarried 7 months after divorce and our children have suffered much emotional stress that was certainly UN-deserving. Even though both of us (parents) provided a good home, seemed to keep peace with one another in front of them, they were well taken care of...they still HURT. Not to lay blame anywhere..... I am a true believer that any marriage is salvageable if both partners are willing. It's a tough road to hold but it can be done. And yes, you have a tough road to hold too! The emptiness he is feeling will only become worse as the child gets older. Adults control their fate, children can't. Adults should know the difference between what's right and wrong. Being wrong is sometimes so much "easier" than doing the right thing. "Lying" is sometimes so much easier than the conflict the truth would bring. Oh well, don't mean to be preaching just hate to see you in this horrible situation because it will get worse I'm afraid. Good Luck to you
Author Naive Posted June 3, 2004 Author Posted June 3, 2004 I ended things once and for all with MM and asked him to go back with his wife. If he does not want to be with his wife it's ok, but he has to be there for his little girl. It's hurting me deeply but I cannot look back now. Every minute of the day I feel like picking up the phone and calling him but I have to stand my ground!!! He has not contact me either because he told me when we last spoke that his daughter is all he's going to think about. That he has to push his feelings to the side. I honestly believe that if we are meant to be we will come together once again.
krbshappy71 Posted June 3, 2004 Posted June 3, 2004 YAYYYYY A KINDA SORTA HAPPY ENDING, now PLEASE PROMISE you will view all married men as your father/brother/whatever it takes so this does not happen again. There are tons of men out there. Filter out the ones that are not single as if they had more than just a gold ring on their finger. Leprosy, something, just stay away and don't let yourself get caught up in this sort of mess again. Its just heartache for you and everyone involved. HUGS!
Author Naive Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 What do I do? He called me and wants to keep seeing me! I honestly do not know what direction to head to!
krbshappy71 Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 What would you do with anyone else who was pestering you when you wanted to end it? Get caller i.d. and screen your calls if you like, be direct and firm that you are sorry, you made a mistake but are trying to turn your life around right now, and can no longer see him, etc. You know what to do, you just don't have the heart to do it. At the very least I would suggest he give you 2 months or 6 months, whatever, of complete no contact. If he respects this, then you can try again after you've had time to yourself WITHOUT CONTACT to see if you really want to get involved in this mess. From there, if you decide not to it will be easier to tell him because you will have distanced yourself. If you decide to go back to him, at least you will know you gave yourself a chance to see what you truly feel for him. With all this contact from him it is too hard for you to see the situation objectively. HOpe this helps, hope I am not being too harsh but I do think this situation takes some serious contemplating and you can't see the forest through trees right now, you are too close to the situation.
smithy Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 naive...I think u should stay with him absolutely...I think u're misunderstanding his feelings...he's grieving over the breakup...even though he wanted to leave his wife it's still not easy...he's turning his back on years with his wife & his family...that's not gonna be easy...most people really just need to grieve...you don't really have anything to do with his feelings...the unbelievable thing is that he left his wife & most men don't really mean that they will...but he did mean it & went thru with it...he would have done it with or without you...so I suggest u date him & encourage him to find ways to express his grief... I've helped people that left their marriages & they were happy when the divorce was happening...but when the divorce was final they became very depressed & sad...it's normal...because most people feel like failures after a divorce even if it's for the best...so date without guilt...u're doing fine...
Author Naive Posted June 7, 2004 Author Posted June 7, 2004 Thank you so much for the reassurance. Inevitably I cannot help but feel some remorse, but comments like yours really cheer me up and help me. I really love this man and he means the worl to me, the last thing I want to do is hurt him or get in the way of him and his daughter. I accept everyones advice and comments and it's greatly appreciated.
smithy Posted June 7, 2004 Posted June 7, 2004 you can't possibly get in the way of his daughter (unless you do that deliberately)...he had to leave his wife & it's for the best...I think it's best to give this situation more time & more time for the smoke to clear...he'll adjust & u'll adjust...he seems like a great person so he'll probably do his best to remain a great father...I wouldn't give up on him nor worry about you coming between him & his daughter...so many families breakup & they always manage (for the most part)...in fact you can become a great addition to his family too...so don't forget that...that's something to look forward to...instead of thinking that u're an obstacle between father & daughter u can become a great friend to his daughter (when the time is right & everyone has their bearings)...it doesn't always have to be bad...this can turn out to be a great thing for you, him, & his daughter...try not to assume it will be like this forever...things will get better all around...try to see the future & that will help you get thru the present...
Love2BLoved Posted June 9, 2004 Posted June 9, 2004 GIRL! It is not your fault! If MM decided to leave his wife it's obviously because there was no love anymore!!! I am a married woman and from my point of view if my husband would leave me for another woman it would obviously not even be worth trying to work things out because you cannot mend something broken and if you try it just gets worse! Now I am not saying that you going out with him knowing that he was married is ok..... but he is a BIG BOY and I am pretty sure he knew the consequences. It's him that owes respect to his wife and his family not you. It's him that should be worried about his wife's feelings! Now when it comes to his daughter you will never come between them because from what you typed he seems to love her a lot and nothing can come between the love of a father and daughter. So cheer up sweety and enjoy life. He obviously loves you not a lot of men would leave there wife even if they swear and promise, it just does not happen very often!
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