my body is a cage Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. We went to school together, and I've been commuting back and forth from where he lives and where I go to school now, but am about to move to where he lives full time. We are very compatible and very attracted to each other. He'll call me "baby" and sent me text a few days ago letting me know he was back in town (he had gone on a trip) and calling me "gorgeous." Yesterday he sent me a text just to say hi... BUT I just looked at his dating profile and he just answered a bunch of questions - including ones that specified he would want to be in contact every day with a significant other (we are not... we talk often but not every day), that he would show appreciation verbally, and that it would bother him if his s/o kept a dating profile. Most annoyingly, I noticed he changed his answer to the question how willing would you be to meet up with someone on the website from hesitant to very willing! What is up with this? Does this mean he doesn't want to get more serious with me? I'm getting tired of not knowing what he wants from the situation...
Jessica45 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 From what you said, it doesn't look like he wants to get serious. But the best way to find out is just to ask him.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Another one bites the dust! ::that is you..biting the dust:: He probably likes the fact that you don't live so close...especially with you doing all the commuting...plus he doesn't have to be an awesome guy all the time...only when you are around which relieves him to being himself when he doesn't have to put up the act.
Author my body is a cage Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 From what you said, it doesn't look like he wants to get serious. But the best way to find out is just to ask him. Why do you say this?
ScienceGal Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 femles don't like asking things directly. BS, I ask direct questions because I'd rather have the truth than waste my time wondering. OP, just ask him. I was in your situation before and the guy ended up making his profile hidden (at least from me) after I confronted him. I got bad vibes and ended things with him quickly after. Point is, updating his profile is not sitting well with you and that's ok. 2 months is long enough for him to know if he wants to date you exclusively. Never compromise what you want
make me believe Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I don't understand why people look for little signs or clues that somebody is into them, or wants to take things to the next step, instead of just asking them directly. Him calling you baby and gorgeous and texting just to say hi means NOTHING as far as your dating status. It CERTAINLY doesn't mean that he wants to get serious with you or take down his dating profile. If you've been seeing each other for two months and still haven't had any conversation about exclusivity or taking things to the next level, then I'd say he's definitely not interested in getting more serious. And honestly he's probably got a few other girls that he's texting and hanging out with and calling baby.. If you want to know what he wants from you why don't you just ask him? Seriously.... it's ok to be upfront about what you want or what you're looking for in a relationship and to ask him to be upfront with you in return.
lululucy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Just ask him. You'll drive yourself crazy if you don't and if you really like him it's worth it. He might think you're not interested in settling down either, do you have a profile on okc with which you checked his out? Even if the answer is no, he doesn't want to settle down, it's better you find out now while you're not entirely emotionally invested than later.
Author my body is a cage Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 I don't understand why people look for little signs or clues that somebody is into them, or wants to take things to the next step, instead of just asking them directly. Him calling you baby and gorgeous and texting just to say hi means NOTHING as far as your dating status. It CERTAINLY doesn't mean that he wants to get serious with you or take down his dating profile. If you've been seeing each other for two months and still haven't had any conversation about exclusivity or taking things to the next level, then I'd say he's definitely not interested in getting more serious. And honestly he's probably got a few other girls that he's texting and hanging out with and calling baby.. If you want to know what he wants from you why don't you just ask him? Seriously.... it's ok to be upfront about what you want or what you're looking for in a relationship and to ask him to be upfront with you in return. I thought those things meant something because they are signs of affection/ made me feel special. I'd be surprised if he also texted other girls the second he got back from his trip, and we did spend the day/night before we left together. But who knows, I realize its a possibility. I guess I'm afraid that I'm not going to like his answer, but maybe by keeping things this way I'm just deluding myself I'm not great at communicating my emotions, and wouldn't even know how to initiate a "talk." I don't know, I've had bad luck with these things, and don't want to ruin something that is going decently... I am feeling discouraged now though, as usual. Anyway, thanks for your advice.
Author my body is a cage Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Just ask him. You'll drive yourself crazy if you don't and if you really like him it's worth it. He might think you're not interested in settling down either, do you have a profile on okc with which you checked his out? Even if the answer is no, he doesn't want to settle down, it's better you find out now while you're not entirely emotionally invested than later. How? I'm really not well - versed in this sort of thing.
Andy_K Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Have you expressed any really concrete interest in him (like kissing) or is there still a good chance he thinks he's in the friend zone?
lululucy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 If you've been seeing each other for two months and still haven't had any conversation about exclusivity or taking things to the next level, then I'd say he's definitely not interested in getting more serious. I wouldn't agree with that per se; my bf and I were dating two and a half months without exclusivity before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Neither of us saw anyone else during that time but it wasn't a demand, we just didn't want to. How? I'm really not well - versed in this sort of thing. I'd wait until you saw him in person so you could see his body language. Don't say the "We Need To Talk" thing, it just freaks guys out and makes them less likely to answer. Just say something like "Hey JoeBobSteve, I really like you. I haven't been seeing anyone else and I was wondering what you think about being exclusive".
Author my body is a cage Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 ok, well, i think i have to give it a try. time to lay down some boundaries. do you think its likely i will get turned down in this situation?
Author my body is a cage Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 are you below average looking? I mean no, I'm actually told I'm way above average looking.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Using baby names doesn't make a guy affectionate or make a girl special. Half the time it's. Because They don't remember your name. And why are you the one doing all the commuting? If this was a relationship the guy would meet yo half way.
Author my body is a cage Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 ..... wow a. this guy has been my friend for years, I'd pretty much 7786765% certain he knows my name....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... b. i'm not commuting BECAUSE of him, i'm commuting because of SCHOOL... the word COMMUTE implies business not a personal situation sorry if this comes off as snarky, i'm just really astounded by how negative people can be on this board sometimes........ Using baby names doesn't make a guy affectionate or make a girl special. Half the time it's. Because They don't remember your name. And why are you the one doing all the commuting? If this was a relationship the guy would meet yo half way.
daphne Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 I guess I'm afraid that I'm not going to like his answer, but maybe by keeping things this way I'm just deluding myself I'm not great at communicating my emotions, and wouldn't even know how to initiate a "talk." I don't know, I've had bad luck with these things, and don't want to ruin something that is going decently... I am feeling discouraged now though, as usual. Anyway, thanks for your advice. If you don't learn how, you won't get what you need from this or any other potential relationship. What another poster above said is true. Guys don't listen to girls' words. They listen to actions. Even though I already know his answer isn't going to be either truthful or what you want to hear, I think you need to ask the question and be direct. Get it out in the open. Half of men lying isn't about the men lying, but women lying to themselves too. Decide what you need. Ask him what he's looking for. If it doesn't align with your goals, you need to express that and let him go and look for someone whose goals are aligned with yours. It's really that simple. I think you have a hard time expressing a need and setting the boundary. Better to start now, than to be angry at yourself later for not having done so and accepting something less than what you're looking for. If you're well above average looking, why would you settle? You don't have to.
Author my body is a cage Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Even though I already know his answer isn't going to be either truthful or what you want to hear, I think you need to ask the question and be direct. Thank you for your advice but why do you say you know this? I don't see what the point of asking him is if its a lost cause, may as well move on...
daphne Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Thank you for your advice but why do you say you know this? I don't see what the point of asking him is if its a lost cause, may as well move on... Because I could be wrong. Because you could use practice on learning to be direct and if it doesn't end up in getting what you need, you'll know how to do it right for someone who will be better for you. Because at least you'll know where you stand and won't have regrets for not asking the question and just assuming.
Author my body is a cage Posted December 10, 2011 Author Posted December 10, 2011 Because I could be wrong. Because you could use practice on learning to be direct and if it doesn't end up in getting what you need, you'll know how to do it right for someone who will be better for you. Because at least you'll know where you stand and won't have regrets for not asking the question and just assuming. But you just said that you KNOW it won't be the answer I want, as if the signs are completely clear and obvious and I was just missing them. I'm undergoing stress in other areas of my life right now but honestly right now I'm already feeling resentful towards him and don't even really want to see him, even though he sent me nice texts earlier this week. I'm just so tired of being used, always, and don't understand what about me is so terrible that no one ever wants anything more.
daphne Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 But you just said that you KNOW it won't be the answer I want, as if the signs are completely clear and obvious and I was just missing them. I'm undergoing stress in other areas of my life right now but honestly right now I'm already feeling resentful towards him and don't even really want to see him, even though he sent me nice texts earlier this week. I'm just so tired of being used, always, and don't understand what about me is so terrible that no one ever wants anything more. I said I know it either won't be truthful or the answer you want. But you're in this and are closer to it. I'm speaking from my experience. Which is that when a guy is actively and aggressively engaging pursuit of other women while dating me, they are not that interested. Despite when they say the contrary. I also don't believe it sets up a foundation of trust. But this is your experience. You can't supplant your own judgement with mine. Plus, I really think it would be in your best interest to have the conversation and learn to be direct. I think it's a skill that women could improve on. There's no telling that he won't surprise you and say that perhaps he wants to cut off his options if that's what it takes to pursue things with you. Crazier things have happened. There's always a feeling of regret when you don't ask the question. It takes longer to gain perspective and closure if need be, without knowing the definitive answer.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 But you just said that you KNOW it won't be the answer I want, as if the signs are completely clear and obvious and I was just missing them. I'm undergoing stress in other areas of my life right now but honestly right now I'm already feeling resentful towards him and don't even really want to see him, even though he sent me nice texts earlier this week. I'm just so tired of being used, always, and don't understand what about me is so terrible that no one ever wants anything more. You're more invested in him than he is in you. If the only interactions that occur between. You two are text messages, you have to wonder if he avtually wants to be serious. Stop being so impassive and be more proactive about your relationships. The sooner you knoe what it is they want, the soonet you know whether the two of you are compatible. And if not, move on so you're not wsting your time.
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