Dating and erectile dysfunction

[scuba_dooby_doo]

My question is specifically to women concerning men with erectile dysfunction/impotence. I have ED the specifics of which I detail below. My questions are do you think it's possible to have a relationship with a man who suffers from impotency? I would be willing to do whatever I could to please a woman (go down on her, use toys etc) but sometimes I wonder if I can really have a good relationship without a fully functioning penis.

 

Please BE HONEST. I am not coming on here to get sympathy. My friends say that many women will look past ED but I don't believe it. I want to hear from women what they really think. Keep in mind I am single, so I think its different then when a couple stays together after 15-20 years of marriage.

 

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DETAILS:

 

So I have been struggling with this problem for sometime now. I am 28 years old. When I was 23 I had a relationship end that had lasted 5 years. When we broke up I became depressed and was prescribed an SSRI. This caused impotency. After 1.5 years on the med I quit because of this. Unfortunately I never regained my former potency. I thought for a long time that I was suffering from Post SSRI sexual dysfunction, but I went to a specialist who thought it might also be possible that I hurt myself mountain biking. I'll never really know, but what I do know is this.

 

I have reduced sensation in my penis.

It's difficult to become aroused.

I have difficulty maintaining an erection.

I can never get the head of my penis hard, and likely have damage to one of my arteries, but can get the shaft hard with viagra or cialis.

I have seen one of the leading specialists in the country and there is not much I can do but use viagra and cock ring.

 

Now this all sucks because otherwise I am a normal and fairly successful 28 year old man. I am decent looking, in good shape, educated and have no problem attracting women. I just don't know what to do. I would love to have a relationship again. I have a fairly normal sex drive, but I will never be very good in bed. I used to be really good in bed, and use to actually annoy my ex with how much I wanted sex and the fact that I was ready all the time.

 

The only treatment that might help is an experimental procedure in Israel that is not even approved in the US yet. But for all I know I may be like this for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel it is wrong for me to date but I really miss having a relationship. When I am dating I also don't know how to bring this up, but its not like I can hide it forever. Also I feel like without the same degree of lust the relationship doesn't feel as natural.

[Jessica45]

Look up Dr. Sarno. He has a good book about the Mind/Body connection. I don't know if it applies to you but it's worth checking out. It can "cure" many different physical problems and it works.

 

As to your question, there are many ways a man can please a woman physically. I would be disappointed that I couldn't return the favor but I wouldn't let that stop me from having a serious relationship with you.

[scuba_dooby_doo]

Jessica

 

I looked up the doctor you are speaking about. I do think the fact that I have anxiety over my issue causes it to be worse, but I don't think it is causative for my problem for two reasons.

 

1) When I masturbate and am alone (no pressure) I still can never get a normal erection. Not once in 5 years, even with the help of viagra or cialis.

 

2) I had some fairly extensive test performed by a ED specialist, and it confirmed that I have improper circulation, likely from a partially blocked artery.

 

It is good to know that some women would be willing to work with me. I bought a book called "She Comes First" about how to be a good lover in ways other than penetrative sex, and how to help bring a woman to orgasm. Hopefully this will help me.

 

Even with my ED problem though I can still enjoy sex, just not as much as before. I can still ejaculate, its just more difficult and it might be difficult for me to maintain an erection long enough for penetrative sex. That is all.

[lululucy]

Just to warn you.. Some women won't look past it. My friend was seeing this guy (AWESOME guy, I still hang out with him occasionally) and when they tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up. He told her it's an anxiety thing for him, he has to know someone really well first. She tried a few more times, couldn't deal and bailed. Now I will stipulate also that this friend is probably the most shallow person I know and I frequently have to take breaks from our friendship to maintain sanity/not want to murder her.

 

I think women who aren't shallow and are actually looking for a meaningful relationship with you will work with it. If you have some help from a ring and viagra then that's good, but it might have to be that you'll have to discuss it before you have sex.

[scuba_dooby_doo]

Just to warn you.. Some women won't look past it. My friend was seeing this guy (AWESOME guy, I still hang out with him occasionally) and when they tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up. He told her it's an anxiety thing for him, he has to know someone really well first. She tried a few more times, couldn't deal and bailed. Now I will stipulate also that this friend is probably the most shallow person I know and I frequently have to take breaks from our friendship to maintain sanity/not want to murder her.

 

I think women who aren't shallow and are actually looking for a meaningful relationship with you will work with it. If you have some help from a ring and viagra then that's good, but it might have to be that you'll have to discuss it before you have sex.

 

Yeah that is understandable. I don't want a woman to have to deal with it. Honestly I wish it would just go away, but sadly that is not the case. People vary a lot in their sexual needs and I fully expect that some women will not deal with it. I kind of wish people would give me honest answers. I am sure there are women who have seen this post and think "I would not deal with this" but they aren't posting because they don't want to hurt me. I just want to get an idea what percentage I am looking at you know, 50% reject me for it, 10%, 90%? I really don't know.

 

But yeah it sucks, no guy should have to deal with this and no woman either but I guess its just one of those unfortunate things that can happen to people. At least I don't have cancer, or HIV, or any of a number of things that are arguably worse, I have to remind myself of that.

[CarrieT]

I've dated men with ED and it is no big deal for me.

 

Honestly, I think it will wholly and entirely be dependent on the type of woman you attract and can hold. Some of us understand that life gets in the way of our desires but there are always work-arounds.

 

For me, the guy I dated had to use injections to get an erection; he learned to inject himself before we were intimate and it was never fully erect. But the emotional connection was more important to me and he did please me in other ways so I was not that concerned as long as he was happy.

 

We broke up for entirely different reasons, not having to do with sex.

[Feelin Frisky]

SSRI's don't cause "impotency". They may cause "anorgasmia" where it's hard to climax but that has nothing whatever to do with impotency or ED. (Other medicines cause low sexual function, especially the anti-psychotics). The injury you mentioned is far more likely to be the culprit. Is there no surgery to open up the blood flow with some kind of stent or use a transplanted blood vessel from another part of your body or w/e? You're young and you're recovery capacity should be excellent. You can not continue to put pressure on that area by bike riding or w/e though. Bike riding gives me "prostatitis" which hasn't meant ED, just an uncomfortable feeling in that area and some trouble getting pee flowing. I've treated it with saw palmetto and beta sitosterol and it's fine now.

[daphne]

Scuba,

 

I'm sure this is a difficult thing for you, especially to have it in your 20's. I have to be honest and say that for me, it would be a deal breaker. Sex (penetration) is pretty important for me. And I think for many women.

 

However, I think the kind of woman that would be most compatible with you would be a woman with a somewhat low libido. That would take the pressure off of you. That doesn't mean she would necessarily not ever want sex, but not as often as average. Get to know a woman first before bringing this up and if she likes you for who you are, and if she doesn't have a high libido I think you'll have better chances of success.

[Feelin Frisky]

Most women wouldn't care at all.

 

The fact that you have difficulty getting aroused means you don't want sex as much right? Most women would see that as a GOOD thing

 

And that you have difficulty maintaining an erection means that it will be hard for you to have penetrative sex right? That's also a GOOD thing to most women.

 

This might sound weird but the problems that you have is not actually a problem at all. Most women wished they had a man who couldn't have sex for one reason or another.

 

Yet another incarnation of wayne brady. How many is this now, your eight identity? or have a missed a few?

[scuba_dooby_doo]

Scuba,

 

I'm sure this is a difficult thing for you, especially to have it in your 20's. I have to be honest and say that for me, it would be a deal breaker. Sex (penetration) is pretty important for me. And I think for many women.

 

However, I think the kind of woman that would be most compatible with you would be a woman with a somewhat low libido. That would take the pressure off of you. That doesn't mean she would necessarily not ever want sex, but not as often as average. Get to know a woman first before bringing this up and if she likes you for who you are, and if she doesn't have a high libido I think you'll have better chances of success.

 

I understand. Believe me if I could do anything to fix it I would but it is not so easy. But yeah I wouldn't want to take away a woman's chance a good sex or just have her cheat on me later. She would have to be happy with me. I wouldn't want to force anyone to do something that wouldn't make them happy. The annoying thing is my libido is still pretty strong, my equipment just doesn't cooperate. Thanks for the honest reply.

[scuba_dooby_doo]

SSRI's don't cause "impotency". They may cause "anorgasmia" where it's hard to climax but that has nothing whatever to do with impotency or ED. (Other medicines cause low sexual function, especially the anti-psychotics). The injury you mentioned is far more likely to be the culprit. Is there no surgery to open up the blood flow with some kind of stent or use a transplanted blood vessel from another part of your body or w/e? You're young and you're recovery capacity should be excellent. You can not continue to put pressure on that area by bike riding or w/e though. Bike riding gives me "prostatitis" which hasn't meant ED, just an uncomfortable feeling in that area and some trouble getting pee flowing. I've treated it with saw palmetto and beta sitosterol and it's fine now.

 

I have definitely reduced my biking. I also bought this special bike seat that the doctor says won't put as much stress on that area. I am not sure this forum allows links but here it is. http://www.amazon.com/Ergo-Seat-Classic-Bicycle-Saddle/dp/B000AOA4ZC/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1323490635&sr=8-3

I'd recommend any man who wants to avoid my problem buy a seat like this or something similar (one without a nose). Believe me I never thought this would happen to me.

 

But yes I try to reduce my cycling. I even bought a skateboard to commute rather than on my bike. It takes longer but hey no pressure there is a good thing.

 

I wonder if there is a chance saw palmetto would work for this. Probably not but its worth a try I suppose.

 

There is a surgery called revascularization / bipass surgery. The problem is it has a decent failure rate, and can sometimes make things worse. It also won't help with the soft glans/head, only the shaft. With PDE5 inhibitors I can get the shaft decently erect.

 

I am hopeful that perhaps this new shockwave therapy being pioneered in Israel will be available here soon. I actually work in biological research and so I downloaded the research papers and read them. They sounded promising. I've even considered going over there. Its a lot less invasive than surgery.

 

I am surprised but I don't think a stint or angioplasty exists for this. Why not I do not know. It seems logical enough to me but although I am a researcher my speciality is genetics and not specifically medicine so I do not know.

 

But yeah guys beware of the mountain biking. I never thought I'd have this problem. Believe me I used to be super potent. Guess I was just unlucky. If you continue biking at least do yourself a favor and get one of those funny looking seats. They may not be cool but believe me ED is way less cool.

[scuba_dooby_doo]

I've dated men with ED and it is no big deal for me.

 

Honestly, I think it will wholly and entirely be dependent on the type of woman you attract and can hold. Some of us understand that life gets in the way of our desires but there are always work-arounds.

 

For me, the guy I dated had to use injections to get an erection; he learned to inject himself before we were intimate and it was never fully erect. But the emotional connection was more important to me and he did please me in other ways so I was not that concerned as long as he was happy.

 

We broke up for entirely different reasons, not having to do with sex.

 

Thanks for this. I am glad to know it will not be a deal breaker for everyone. I guess I will just have to go by a case by case basis and remember its not about who I am as a person if I get rejected, but rather about the others sexual needs.

[Pizzaman81]

Man I can see how this could be really difficult. The fact that you spend time to get to know someone and then something like this would risk it all away.

 

I am positive there are women out there that won't mind as much... and I am sure you can please them in other ways! I mean c'mon. You will meet that person and you two will fall in love and live happily together forever.

[El Brujo]

My questions are do you think it's possible to have a relationship with a man who suffers from impotency?

 

Re-brand it as a platonic relationship. Simple as that.

 

But I understand there are meds for ED: Dixafix, Midixadud, and Micoxafloppin.

 

BTW women with rude attitudes or commitment phobia cause me to have ED---it never fails.

[Forever Learning]

I'm sure you can find a woman who will love you for who you are on the inside first and foremost, and work with you in getting a sex life that can be satisfactory as best it can be with your condition. In other words, I am very optimistic for you.

 

You are going to have to shop around though when looking for a potential long term partner, and be willing to risk some rejection, before you find the woman who will be right for you in life.

 

Cultivate a positive attitude (I think you already have one) and DON'T let rejection from some women bring you down.

 

That means, HANG IN THERE on your journey to finding someone. Don't let rejections bring you to a halt in finding someone. Keep trying. Start by looking for NON-SHALLOW women. This is your best bet.

 

I think you have a few more options than just Viagra and a cock ring. Since the head of your penis doesn't get hard but the shaft does, and since you are able to ejaculate, you really have quite a bit going for you.

 

Your willingness to use toys on her if she wants shows you are very open minded and your ego isn't getting in the way of a good time for you both. The fact you like to give oral sex is a mighty big plus for you as well. Have you ever seen a French Tickler? It's a condom with a plastic piece attached on the end, usually firm plastic in some rounded shape (I've seen them in all sorts of interesting shapes and configurations). This hard piece on the end, might replace the lack of firmness you have in your own penis head. So that is another idea besides just a cock ring.

 

And then I've seen on some sex toy websites, all other varieties of devices that can be worn over the shaft to add firmness and support to a penis that can't get entirely hard on it's own. Not to mention this would add dimension (width) to your shaft. Not that you necessarily need that, but just saying that it would.

 

So it seems that you probably have alot of choices in sexual aids that can enhance the erection you already get with Viagra. You should have a look around online at sexual toy sites such as Adam & Eve and see what all they have available that could help you out.

 

The market for this 'erection aid devices' is huge, and there are probably new inventions and arrivals on the scene on a very frequent basis out there. You need to stay tuned to what's out there as far as erection aid devices are concerned. Put on your thinking cap and invent some erection device aid yourself. Necessity is the mother of invention you know. The sky is the limit nowadays with the internet helping anyone make an idea become reality. Then you'll be a millionaire from your idea, and have a great erection to boot. I'm getting a little silly here but you get the picture. Think positive.

 

So, I think your prognosis for a lifetime of sexual and relationship happiness, even as your condition is RIGHT NOW, is very good with the right lady.

 

Just find one with a heart of gold who loves you for you, and not your penis. I bet she will be willing to work with you in the long run so everyone can be a happy camper in bed and out. It's all about your attitude, is the bottom line. Good luck.

Edited December 10, 2011 by Forever Learning

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I agree with Jessica. I think I would be disappointed at first. Not with *you* as a person. Just with the difference in sex. BUT, if we connected on a deeper level, it would totally be a workable thing. I see the way some couples around me deal with issues of health and it's been an inspiration. My good family friend that married a man with MS. A woman I worked with who had a brain aneurysm and her boyfriend sold his home and moved in with her to take care of her. He transplanted himself from Washington D.C. to NJ. These type of relationships have been more of an inspiriation to me then just the regular relationships with two healthy people having their 2.5 kids.

 

Also, I wouldn't feel like it was something you had to disclose right away. In our information world, people seem to think they need to tell everything about themselves with a snap of a finger. Get to know a woman. Connect to her on a deeper level. And when you reach that point where you two want to get intimate, tell her your story. Your condition shouldn't hold you back from a romantic relationship. Don't look at it like your taking away something from a woman you get involved with. It seems that perhaps going through this made you a more sensitive person and/or lover. That's an added value.

[make me believe]

I think women who aren't shallow and are actually looking for a meaningful relationship with you will work with it.

 

What an ignorant statement. Wanting to have penetrative sex with her partner does not make a woman shallow or mean she's not looking for a meaningful relationship.

 

Scuba, I can't say if this would be a dealbreaker for me personally. I'm inclined to say that it would, but if I really loved the guy and we had something very special I would be willing to work with it. I would definitely be disappointed though. -- And if I had JUST met the guy and he threw that at me, I probably wouldn't bother going further with him. For me, there's an intimacy that comes with intercourse that I don't get from oral, manual, or other types of sex. I guess I'm one of those "shallow" women you've been warned about in this thread though.

 

Anyway, that being said, I honestly think there are lots of women out there who wouldn't mind dating someone with ED if she had a strong emotional connection to him. I mean from reading some of the stories in the marriage forum, I'm inclined to think there are a lot of women out there who might even PREFER to have sex largely removed from the equation. I think you should get to know women first before you reveal your condition. And don't present it as some horrible, awful thing that's going to ruin everyone's lives. Just present it honestly and straight forward, as a part of you.

[scuba_dooby_doo]

I'm sure you can find a woman who will love you for who you are on the inside first and foremost, and work with you in getting a sex life that can be satisfactory as best it can be with your condition. In other words, I am very optimistic for you.

 

Forever Learning, this was a very kind and thoughtful post. I only copied part of it here. Thanks for the advice. I will consider some of the things you mentioned. I really think the key for me at this point is getting past my insecurities and moving forward. Honestly I think if I was with a partner who cared for and with practice with my new limitations and such "aides" I might be able to function fairly normally.

 

Also I intend to keep up on experimental procedures. There are two I know of that might help with my specific condition, but neither is FDA approved yet. The initial clinical trials look very promising though so hopefully in a year or two they will be available.

 

To the others who posted there views I appreciate all of them, including the women who say it would be a deal breaker. I don't necessarily consider that shallow, sex is an important part of a relationship. I would be willing to do whatever I can to satisfy my partner, it just may be more challenging for me than others. For some this will be a deal breaker, and I can understand that. If I didn't have this problem and a girl was unable to have sex with me, prior to me having this problem I may have considered that a deal breaker myself, although I would likely have given it a go for a while at least (incidentally my first girlfriend wasn't able to have sex for the first 2 years of our relationship but I liked her a lot/loved her so I was okay with just fooling around until she was ready). Sexuality is important to bonding, and there is a special closeness with intercourse - I don't want to downplay that or pretend that its not true.

 

I guess my hope is that if I meet someone and get rejected over this issue I can remind myself that its nothing about me personally (my person/soul call it what you will) but rather their needs. For a long time I didn't feel like a man because of this issue but recently decided that to be a real man I have to look past my penis issues and try and move forward with my life and remind myself of all the positives.

 

That said its good to know that for some women this wouldn't be a problem. I have a few friends that know about my condition. One female friend actually told me she much prefers oral to penetration but that most guys want penetration, but that she wouldn't mind if she liked someone and that was all they could do. I just have trouble believing that sometimes because she is a good friend and would want to encourage me so I wasn't sure if it was her true sentiment or not. Hearing it from others who aren't friends with me (ie have no reason to tell me anything other than the truth) is reassuring. I know not every woman would be willing to give a relationship a try with me, but its reassuring that some would.

[CarrieT]

but recently decided that to be a real man I have to look past my penis issues and try and move forward with my life and remind myself of all the positives.

 

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

 

Maintain this sort of outlook and you will be just fine. I wish more men were like you.

 

I have no doubt you will meet a beautiful, kind and compassionate woman for whom this is a minor issue in the development of your relationship. I hope you find her soon and live happily ever after... :love: