Lost and disconnected...

[beautifulearth83]

Lately I really have this feeling like I'm isolated from my own life. I work from home and live in this town that is not too familiar to me... I feel like I've lost the path. I do have friends here which I don't see enough. It just feels like I'm not with it. I'm not in touch with my emotions nearly as much as I used to be. I can feel it in my head and body, it's like I'm split in half and sometimes I feel like somebody else.

 

A lot of this really happened in the past year or two when I made some big changes for love and issues I had with my partner, but I don't want to use that as an excuse anymore. I don't want to keep allowing things that have happened to keep me from experiencing the way I feel. Somewhere along the lines, I learn how to stuff it all down and escape and now I fear that I'm becoming everything that I despise.

 

I used to really care for the people I loved and I showed them. Being a good person was important to me, I was sensitive and kind and felt so much when I would hug somebody. Now I've developed some sort of defense mechanism where I go numb at a hint of rejection or being misunderstood. If I make a mistake socially or something is a bit off, I completely leave the building mentally and emotionally. It make me seem like such an a-hole and I really do feel like I'm being an a-hole because I'm not honoring and experiencing all of the gifts that this life has given me.

 

The biggest thing though is connections with others. I just don't feel them anymore. Every once in awhile I have a good moment, but for the most part, even if I do experience it, I'm eventually alone again and drift into my own world.

 

There are so many feelings stuck inside of me like anger and shame and sadness. I used to feel these things and live with them. I want to be who I truly am with people. I feel like I've become all that I didn't like about others and all that I reacted to in others. I don't know how to be myself anymore in the sense that I am speaking from my feeling and compassion. I used to listen to others and be there for them. I'm not asking to be a hero, but there is a hero inside all of us and I don't want to live a life where I'm not bringing it out.

 

I have so much to be appreciative for and I don't know what I need to do to become a part of it. I'm not sure if it is just the times accelerating this, where people are just more divided, or if I'm truly just not experiencing the togetherness that I know I deserve, or that I for some reason don't feel I deserve.

 

I have a family who cares about me, friends I could call in this state and out of it. I really try to just follow what others are doing, but I feel like I've lost my ground, who I am inside. It sucks.

 

How do you reconnect with your life, remember who you are and continue to be who you are? I'm tired of this false self, I'm tired of trying to fix things when everything is right there for me to enjoy.

 

Sometimes I think it is as easy as quitting my job or making other changes, and maybe these are big factors, but I dunno.

 

Sorry if this is a bit long and a rant. But I just can't take it anymore. Time is ticking and life is waiting.

[Seneca]

How do you reconnect with your life, remember who you are and continue to be who you are?

 

By being who you want to be. Take dominion over any thoughts of negativity. List the positive qualities you wish to be and act upon them.

 

It takes discipline and a constant guard of the mind.

[sLiPpeTh]

Definitely suggest evaluating if it's the job? Or is it the job and the area you've moved to?

 

Over the years I've found some places just have 'vibes' that engage me in more of a natural flow.

 

If you don't think it's the job or the area? Sometimes there are a couple of years of "in-between" days. Just part of life's transition from one cycle to another. Death and re-birth.

 

Only thing I know to do...is just flow with it as best you can. Accept it as being one of life's important transitions into the new.