mark414 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Well, here I am...another brokenhearted soul. I hate having to post here but I am glad that I discovered such a good support network. I have been browsing this site for quite some time but this is my first post. Here is my story/novel. This isn't my first time going through this and I thought I would deal better then I have. After the first relationship went sour I swore I would never let it happen to me again. I actually got the first ex back at one point only to have her leave me a year later. After the final breakup with her I spent 6 months "rebounding". A friend of a friend introduced me to this new girl and at first I took a very cautious approach to her. I didn't want to ever feel the way I had already felt twice with the first girl. I was distant and cold at first but eventually I really started to feel her. I was frankly a loser when she met me. I had no job and lived with my parents. I was fresh out of college and no one would give me a shot. It really meant a lot to me that she was still interested in someone that could only meet her at friend's houses and the occasional hotel. We went on several dates to the local Walmart. None of that seemed to matter to her and thus my feelings grew. It didn't hurt that she was gorgeous and intelligent. We lived about an hour apart. She was 20 and I was 24 when we met. The relationship had its ups and downs. She was extremely moody. She would be an angel one minute and a total bitch the next. She was very jealous if I even talked to another girl at work or in passing. She had a history of being cheated on and therefore assumed I was always out with other women. I am totally not the type that would ever consider that but she just didn't trust me. Life went on. I found work, started living with a friend, she graduated college and I decided that she would be the girl that I wanted to marry. We had arguments but always reconciled within a day. We had some great times together. The main problem in my opinion is that we never really meshed our lives. She lived a life where she was and I lived mine. We would see each other every weekend and things were generally good but her friends were never mine and mine were never hers. We were never close to each other's families. We made several attempts to live together but we both were stubborn to the point we would refuse to compromise on location. She had a job where she was and I had one where I was. Fast forward 2 and a half years later. In May we went on vacation with my family. I had the greatest time of my life. Her and I spent a day taking a ferry to an island and just explored and enjoyed ourselves until the sunset. This was honestly the best day of my life. I was on cloud 9. When we returned from the vacation things were ok for a few weeks until one Friday night when I told her I wasn't coming up to visit her because I just didn't feel like it. Up to this point we had seen each other every weekend, but she would come see me about 80% of the time and I would only go up there about 20% of the time. This was an obvious mistake on my part. After I ditched the one night we began making it a regular thing. We would do our own thing on Friday and then we would get together on Saturday and Sunday only. This eventually became us seeing each other every other weekend and then it was to the point where it would be a whole month between visits. All the signs were there but I didn't see it coming. We would still talk on the phone every night and exchange loving sentiments all day through texts. She didn't break up with me right away. She did say that she realized that she didn't need me as much as she thought she did. I attribute this to the fact that she had chased me the entire relationship and was so afraid I would stray that she always had to be there with me. Once she realized that I wasn't going anywhere and that my weekend was usually spent at home with friends she didn't fear this anymore. The chase was over and the power had shifted. In the middle of October she finally told me that she couldn't be with me anymore. She moved out of her parents and I guess didn't need the escape that I provided. We had broken up for a day at a time several times before but she would quickly miss me and come running back. This time she didn't come back. She would now wait hours to answer simple texts from me. I would ask her why she wasn't responding and she would just say she was busy. I couldn't take it anymore and did what I said I would never do again. I begged and I cried for her to come back. I really screwed up. Through it all she sent me mixed signals. Over Thanksgiving I got weak and texted her how much I missed her. She said she missed talking and loved me. I went NC for two days (a personal best) and she actually called me to see what I was doing. It got to the point where she was sending me "sexts". I took this as a sign she wanted me back. The problem was there was no consistency. One day she would be her old self and the next she would go back to taking hours to respond to a simple "how are you?". I went no contact for several days after that. I lasted maybe 2 days (a personal best) and she actually contacted me both days and called me on the third. I answered the call. We just chatted like normal and didn't discuss the relationship. On Tuesday I felt weak. Things weren't progressing fast enough for me. I contacted her telling her we need to talk. She was hesitant but eventually called me. I started berating her with how much I missed her and needed her back. I told her things would be different. I said all the usual things. She got pissed. She said that enough was enough. She was sick of me being psycho and told me that we would never be back together. She said there was no intention of getting back together ever and that she just didn't want to hurt me by telling me that. She eventually backtracked and said that she would see other people so that I could have closure and that maybe one day we would be back together. This was the last straw for me. I didn't want to hear what she just said so I flipped out. I cried and cried and told her I was going to kill myself. I am embarrassed to even type this but it happened. All the while I knew this did no good but did it anyway. Later that night I came to my senses and apologized to her. She didn't respond. I figured she blocked my number but the next day she text me saying she didn't block me but needed time before we could talk after what I put her through. I told her I understood the relationship was over and that we could hopefully just be friends. She finished the night by saying "I love you so much....that's why I didn't want to hurt you". This was after she had told me the night before that she didn't have feelings for me anymore. I feel like she is messing with me. Obviously NC is the way to go but I know I'm not good for it. I couldn't get past the last girl until I had someone new. I still feel like I want her back. I just want some feedback on my situation. I apologize for the length and appreciate if someone can actually read through it all.
Author mark414 Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 I guess I should have posted an abridged version...
twinkles Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Seems like she doesn't want to hurt you but she doesn't want to be back with you. Laying the I'm going to kill myself guilt trip on someone is just awful. Don't do that again. That's a heavy burden to lay on someone. Just talk to her and tell her that you agree to the break up then move along. Spending every second weekend with someone is not enough. It sounds more like you were dating. Absense doesn't make the heart grow fonder it makes the heart wander. You putting only 20% in the effort to see her makes her feel devalued.
Xene19 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 You should never do the whole, im going to kill my self guilt trip, imagine how that would feel for you if someone did that? besides you dont want her to get back with you out of sheer guilt do you?
silly_panda Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Now... You didn't put that much effort hence making her think that you don't care anymore or that she is not important to you... A healthy relationship is always 50/50 from both side (more or less)... Guess we all learn it the hard way... You are not thinking straight rite now and you are desperate... It's hard for you and I guess it's hard for her too... But really you need to recognize the fact that there is nothing you can do... If you love her, respect her decision... No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow... Don't spend your days wasting it away... Live life...
Author mark414 Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 The thing is this happened to me twice before and I still don't feel any better about it. I didn't mean it to sound like I only put 20% effort in. I treated her very well and she acknowledges that. We simply spent a lot more time where I live then where she did. I think it just got boring for her. I'm going to lay low for awhile and see what happens. I still haven't let go and part of that is the fear I'll never find someone as good. I am usually such a rational thinker. It's amazing what a girl/ guy can do to someone.
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