curlygirl40 Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I'll try to make the story short and to the point. Not my strong point. I was dating a guy who was newly going through a divorce. I started a thread about it in the summer. Met him online, he was separated at the time. Moved out, had his own place, etc. We were friends for months, then he filed for divorce early fall and we began dating/sleeping together shortly after that. It was awesome. We are so good together, we have a very strong connection that was there from the beginning. His divorce quickly became very messy and difficult (as they often do) so we decided we would go back to just being friends so he could do what he needed to do without me as a distraction. I really like him and care about him. We still have feelings for each other. But I know that this process will take him at least a year and who knows how he will feel after that. I also don't want to be his rebound girl or his transitional relationship. I like him too much for that if that makes any sense. I would much rather move on and have him do what he needs to do and know that in the future, if it's meant to be and if we are ever going to have a normal, healthy dating relationship he should be officially divorced at least - if not a year out. I know this in my brain. However, I feel like a piece of my heart has been left with him. I don't feel 'done' with him. I feel like, in the future at somepoint, we will date again. So we are keeping in touch as friends but not near as much as we were before. We haven't seen each other since we decided to be friends. He e-mails to update me on his life and I do the same. That is it. I have not told him that I will wait for him. He has not asked me to. I know he's going through a lot right now and as much as I like him the last thing I'm going to do is say 'I know you're having a tough time right now and the divorce has been tough on you, but what about meeeee??'. Not gonna do it. I just let it be. I put myself back online and I'm talking to this guy who I seem to click with so far. He has asked me out for Saturday night so I'll have the chance to meet him and see if we click in person. Part of me feels it's unfair to be putting myself out there. But yet I know I need to move on. Even though we only dated for a couple of months it feels like we were in a 8 month relationship. Should I just be honest with any new person and tell them I'm fresh out of a relationship and need to take things slow? I don't want to hurt anyone but yet I know I need to get myself back out there. I'm conflicted. What do you guys think?
Eddie Edirol Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 (edited) You shouldnt be dating if you still are carrying the torch for your ex. Only when you are ready to close the door on him permanently should you even be out there. Otherwise youre wasting everyones time, because you wont give guys a fair chance. You want to give them a chance, but youre still holding half your heart for your ex hoping you will hear from him one day. If you are going to date, you have to clear out your heart completely. If your ex came back to you a year from now or so, you will either be in a relationship, or you will build the chemistry with him again. But I can tell you this, if he had to unload you to focus on a divorce, I dont think he felt the same way for you that you did for him. But, ive never been involved in a messy divorce, so I dont know. I know one guy that kept his mistress through a horrible divorce, so there ya go. On the other hand, if you meet someone that makes you forget about your ex completely, thats a different matter. Edited December 9, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
Author curlygirl40 Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 But I can tell you this, if he had to unload you to focus on a divorce, I dont think he felt the same way for you that you did for him. But, ive never been involved in a messy divorce, so I dont know. I know one guy that kept his mistress through a horrible divorce, so there ya go. On the other hand, if you meet someone that makes you forget about your ex completely, thats a different matter. Thanks for your reply! I have a friend that feels this same way, that if he was willing to let it go so easily that he must not feel the same way about me that I do about him. His divorce is very messy and he's an emotional mess right now so I'm not sure. I think a lot of people in his same position would back off and roll their sleeves up and do what they need to do. There are kids involved that are struggling, etc. I don't really know for sure without asking, and I'm not asking. What is really important is that he has backed off and I need to deal with the fact that he has nothing to offer me right now and find a way to move on. Thanks!!
2sure Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 Maybe a case of right person , wrong time. But either way, he is gone and he isnt coming back. You probably are emotionally unavailable right now...so take a break from dating or just keep it casual. Being emotionally unavailable means you wont be able to recognize Mr. Right because this time, its the wrong time for you.
lululucy Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 After my ex and I broke up, I started dating online again and was straight-up with saying I wanted it to be casual -- short-term dating. It helped distract me from obsessing and slowly I got closer to being over him. I don't think I was unfair to the guys I dated because I said from the get-go I wasn't looking for a relationship, just someone to go out with and have a good time or hang out and watch movies. And yeah, if you find someone you click with to the extent where, as Eddie said, you forget about your ex completely, perfect. Just don't give anyone the idea that you want to settle down right away because that wouldn't be fair to someone who was looking for a serious girlfriend.
Author curlygirl40 Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Thank you for your replies! I guess that's my challenge right now is taking some time to myself, but yet filling the HUGE void that this guy left when he stepped back - and occupying my time and taking the steps I need to move on. I guess as long as I'm honest about where I'm at it's o.k to get my feet wet again with dating and see where it goes. In the meantime if he comes back and I'm available that's great, or if he makes his way back and I'm not available, it wasn't meant to be. Win/win. I just don't want to hurt anyone in the process and I don't want to sit here pining for him when there's a good chance that we just met at the wrong time and it will never work out in the future anyway. Makes me sad but it is what it is. thx again!
Author curlygirl40 Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Well I eventually answered my own question on this one. I'm too emotionally unavailable to date. I did go out on 2 dates with one guy but we didn't really have a strong chemistry. Nice guy and I like him as a person but when he kissed me on the second date, nothing. In the meantime the soon to be divorced guy has started to be in communication a lot more. A little sweet and a little flirty. He has told me how much I mean to him and that he misses me but he doesn't want me involved in his mess. My friends who have met him and who know a lot about the situation think that he has a lot of respect for me to not drag me along this road with him. I'm still unsure what will happen in the future but I'm willing to wait it out. Is it the best decision? Who knows but it feels right for right now. It's not fair to someone else who might be looking for a relationship for me to not really be available emotionally but to put myself out there just to kill time waiting for this other guy to be divorced. I might regret this decision in the future but I'm not sure.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 I think your ex is being unfair to you. If he's being considerate then do that by not hindering you from finding a healthy relationship with someone who is emotionally available. Your contact with him only keeps you from moving on. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think it's good to live for others when life is so short. I wouldn't want to wait for a guy to come around because as endearing as that may sound, chances are 1 in a million. Go hang out with people, have parties, have fun. I think if you're constantly thinking about him, you will miss the chances that are placed in front of you.
Author curlygirl40 Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 Well he's not doing this to me, I am doing it to myself. He has not asked me to wait. He even said to me at one point 'I would love to save you for myself but that's not fair to you'. I have a very full life and if I happen to meet someone in the meantime, I will take the opportunity to date. I'm out with friends often, I go dancing, I am raising 2 kids and that keeps me busy. My job is demanding. I work out. I stay busy. Unfortunately, even though he never asked me to, I left part of my heart with him. Sometimes you just know when things are not 'over' or 'done'. He's not dating others and hasn't put himself back online dating. He's hunkered down and doing what he needs to do to get himself out of his marriage and to make sure his kids are o.k in the process. He has them a lot and they are young. I know it might be foolish and I might regret it. Time will tell for sure. I have a lot of things to keep me busy and I have no deadlines or goals to be in a relationship by xyz day so really, I just have to see this through and see where it takes me. I'm following my gut.
xpaperxcutx Posted December 26, 2011 Posted December 26, 2011 Well he's not doing this to me, I am doing it to myself. He has not asked me to wait. He even said to me at one point 'I would love to save you for myself but that's not fair to you'. I have a very full life and if I happen to meet someone in the meantime, I will take the opportunity to date. I'm out with friends often, I go dancing, I am raising 2 kids and that keeps me busy. My job is demanding. I work out. I stay busy. Unfortunately, even though he never asked me to, I left part of my heart with him. Sometimes you just know when things are not 'over' or 'done'. He's not dating others and hasn't put himself back online dating. He's hunkered down and doing what he needs to do to get himself out of his marriage and to make sure his kids are o.k in the process. He has them a lot and they are young. I know it might be foolish and I might regret it. Time will tell for sure. I have a lot of things to keep me busy and I have no deadlines or goals to be in a relationship by xyz day so really, I just have to see this through and see where it takes me. I'm following my gut. Well then I guess you guys just met at the wrong time. I have a book that I've been readingl called " one day" I recommend it to you to get through the holiday blues. And you sound like a woman with her head on straight, so it doesn't sound like you're going to go crazy anytime soon.
Author curlygirl40 Posted December 26, 2011 Author Posted December 26, 2011 That's how I feel is that we just met about a year or two too early. I'm in no rush I hope we both still have feelings for each other when he's in a better place. Thanks for the recommendation of the book. I love to read so I'll look it up. Thanks again!!
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