taurus39uk Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hi all, my wife and I have been going through a bad time lately, we have been married for 17 years, she is 34 and I am 39 we have three kids aged 9, 14, and 16. at the beginning of september she told me she loved me but was not in love with me anymore and that she was fed up with being a wife, mother and daughter, she has been looking after her mum for a while which if I'm honest has bugged me a bit as she is constantly at her mums. then about three weeks ago I found out she has been having an emotional affair with a guy of 42 it started as just friends and she found him easy to talk to about her problems then on one occasion she was at his house with him and his parents when she went upstairs to the toilet, when she came out he was sat on his bed and called her in, one thing led to another and he ended up feeling my wifes breast. she has told me everything and it all tallys up with the letter I found that he had written her, there was no sex between them and when I spoke to my wife about it she was physically sick and was disgusted with herself that she said she was leaving, we talked and she said she would stay, I blame myself as I admit I have been jealous, possessive and untrusting over the years and I have only realized it now. I forgave her and we started again we had a couple of brilliant weeks we were happy and the sex was more regular and still as great as ever, but now she has told me she wants to be on her own to have time to be her and not a wife etc, she wants to go out with her mates etc which I don't have a problem with at all but she thinks I won't be able to trust her, but I do I'm even ok with her sleeping at her mums one night a week even after what has happened, I know she's not seeing this guy anymore she doesnt even find him attractive he was just easy to talk to and she fell into the emotional trap, she says she wants me to leave and that she doesn't want anyone else and has no interest in being with anyone else. I can't bring myself to leave I love my wife with all my heart and obviously my kids to, she means the world to me she is so sexy and a great mother, I have told her that I honestly have no problems with her living her life how she wants and doing what she wants as long as she is faithful wich I know she will be. she has agreed to try it and I am hopeing that when she realizes I do trust her and she can live her life as she wants that her feelings will come back. I have even got myself an appointment with a councilor to sort out my issues etc but they can't get me in till the new year. I can't face losing her she means to much to me. any help and advice welcome
lolita jade Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Please see my thread ' what is the likelyhood' I was married 25 years and similar story. Please read this so you dont make same mistakes I made. No 1 and biggest mistake being too needy/ begging etc. It pushed my ex away.
Zabs Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 sounds like a rut to me t.. We all have different 'roles' in life..and as much as I am sure your Wife loves being a Mother, Daughter, Wife, Friend, Colleague..etc..sometimes we just want to be a PERSOn respected in our own right. Roles naturally come with expectations. They are part of the package. Your Wife sounds like she 'feels' suffocated. She is Mother to 3, Wife to you, Daughter to an ailing Mother...there doesn't sound like there is much time for herself..there also doesn't sound like there is much time for you two. I am convinced that the 'emotional' issue was just a case of being heard..understood froma person that is not 'outwardly' expecting anything from her. I suspect that the attraction to being heard lost it's zest when he approached her. She does not want another list of responsibilities placed upon her by anyone else!!! I am a woman..and as much as I have my issues...if I have a friend that will listen to me and understand..it is attractive...although that is where it ends. Your Wife sounds like she still loves you..but struggles with the rut she finds herself in...the expression 'not in love with you' lends to me that you are not her entire world...and she needs time to be herself. This will not include hooking up with other men. The trick here is not to ad further expectation. Not to add restrictions (except which are normal for any relatioship - which I am sure she is not breaching) - to allow her time for herself...and when contact IS made...make it about HER and not YOU. I believe you will be fine. There are others on the site that will disagree..but that is JMO Much love Zabs xx:cool:
Author taurus39uk Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 thanks for your replies, you are both spot on with what you say, I have had a talk with my wife she had told me she wants to be her for a while, she was 16 when we met so hasn't done the going out stage like most people and she now wants to do this and be her own person without having to worry about me etc, I have told her I will take a step back and not be so needy and told her to go out with her mates etc and live her life and that I will always be here as her husband and that it doesn't have to affect us. she seems a bit happier today so much so she went out today and got a piercing that she has always wanted (I won't say where lol) and she seemed so happy, I was made up for her, I love seeing her so happy. thanks for your advice.
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