sunflowering Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hi everyone, I feel like I might be in a little pickle here. I need a little advice. A little tidbit about us: We started dating in high school, I'm a sophomore in college now, and he's a junior in college. We dated for three years, and he broke up with me during the summer. He came back around October, asking for a second chance. Given our history, I decided to give him that chance. Reason we broke up in the first place: He informed me on the phone one day, that he needed to go at some things by himself. He needed to experience and grow, and he felt like because he was starting into a new major and really wanted to improve academically, he felt like this was the only way out. (We spent a lot of time together, pretty much 24/7) and he felt like something needed to change, and I wasn't changing, despite what he told me, so he broke up with me. Now: He recently talked to one of my friends, and she asked him why she got back together with me. etc, etc. Yesterday, we talked for a long time. He asked me what I was wanting out of this relationship because he wanted us to be on the same page. I told him even though I couldn't currently see marriage, I loved him, and that I wanted to last with him as long as we could, and that I would try my best to do that. He told me that presently, he's having a lot of fun with me, and he's enjoying dating me. But he doesn't know about the future. I asked him if he loved me still, and he asked me "what is love?". He kept on saying he likes me, but he was really hesitant on saying he loves me, because he says he doesn't know. he's not sure. He says he's really happy with me. I asked him if he would be okay with just being good friends, and he said if he was dealt an ultimatum, that he would choose rather to be my friend, than nothing at all... Because of our conversation, I'm not sure what I should do. Or what he's looking for. And he told me, he doesn't even know it himself. What should I do? I'm so confused, and it hurts.
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Nobody is not sure if he doesn't love you...the answer is he doesn't. The next logical step to prevent more heartache is to try and soften the blow with caring terminology or friendship. He's having fun spending time with, having sex with you...but as for the future he already decided a long time ago that he isn't interested in that way with. His speech from before was because he wanted to branch out and try other things...like women, yet also focus on school so it fit nicely. Men aren't as confused as they make it out to be...they just try not to say and do things that will really hurt you, he cares about you but he's wasting your time in a way, the fact is you're willing to waste your time with him as well so maybe it's consensual to a degree. He's basically trying to set up a stable friends with benefits relationship with you, because you're safe, reliable and trustworthy. He just doesn't want to come out and say it, and you're not reading between the lines, or you are denying them because of your emotions and don't want to face the truth..which is obvious.
TaraMaiden Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 There is no middle ground here, or if there is, it's called being a FWB. Frankly, if he can hang on to you for a bit of occasional sex, and friendly companionship, then he'd be happy with things as they are.... As you have a lot of emotional investment in this, and a past that's long and involved - I'm afraid I would be inclined to inform him that it's all - or nothing. Maintaining a 'let's just be friends' with someone with whom you think there might be a future - is a no-no. It won't work. I fear this is a make or break situation. It's crunch time. And maybe time to face that there are other horizons to be explored......?
ShannonMI Posted December 8, 2011 Posted December 8, 2011 Hi everyone, I feel like I might be in a little pickle here. I need a little advice. A little tidbit about us: We started dating in high school, I'm a sophomore in college now, and he's a junior in college. We dated for three years, and he broke up with me during the summer. He came back around October, asking for a second chance. Given our history, I decided to give him that chance. Reason we broke up in the first place: He informed me on the phone one day, that he needed to go at some things by himself. He needed to experience and grow, and he felt like because he was starting into a new major and really wanted to improve academically, he felt like this was the only way out. (We spent a lot of time together, pretty much 24/7) and he felt like something needed to change, and I wasn't changing, despite what he told me, so he broke up with me. Now: He recently talked to one of my friends, and she asked him why she got back together with me. etc, etc. Yesterday, we talked for a long time. He asked me what I was wanting out of this relationship because he wanted us to be on the same page. I told him even though I couldn't currently see marriage, I loved him, and that I wanted to last with him as long as we could, and that I would try my best to do that. He told me that presently, he's having a lot of fun with me, and he's enjoying dating me. But he doesn't know about the future. I asked him if he loved me still, and he asked me "what is love?". He kept on saying he likes me, but he was really hesitant on saying he loves me, because he says he doesn't know. he's not sure. He says he's really happy with me. I asked him if he would be okay with just being good friends, and he said if he was dealt an ultimatum, that he would choose rather to be my friend, than nothing at all... Because of our conversation, I'm not sure what I should do. Or what he's looking for. And he told me, he doesn't even know it himself. What should I do? I'm so confused, and it hurts. He's in like with you not in love with you. Are you satisfied with that? If not, dump him and find someone who will fall IN LOVE with you. Personally, I wouldn't be satisfied with a friends with benefits type of thing. I'm assuming you two are having sex. That would be a no go for me. I'm older though. In my 30's. Back in my 20's that was ok, but not now.
scuba_dooby_doo Posted December 9, 2011 Posted December 9, 2011 I was in a similar situation when I was in college only I was the guy. My ex and I started dating when I was a junior in high school and she was a sophomore. We both tried so hard to make it work but eventually it failed. The main reason for this was that people change and need time to develop on there own. Keep in mind that many relationships end around the end of college. If I had it to do over again I wish I would have broken up with her sooner. When I "wasn't sure" I was in love with her it was because, really, I was not longer in love with her. She was my best friend in the world, and we were very dependent on each other, but we weren't right for each other. It was really hard for me to come to terms with this. I wanted to be in love with her, and if not that I at least wanted to stay good friends. Sadly that was not possible. I guess my advice is the following, having been in a very similar situation. If you have doubts, or he has serious doubts, it might be best for you to break up. You have been dating him from a young age, make sure you know the difference between being in love with someone and simply being dependent on someone. You will likely do a lot of growing during and after college. Don't get to stressed about it. I know it's difficult but try to stay strong. I wish you the best. If I could go back in time to be where you are now I would do things quite differently. Best.
Author sunflowering Posted December 9, 2011 Author Posted December 9, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice I broke up with him yesterday, and when I talked to him later that night, he told me he could only see me as a friend. I guess I was expecting it, but hoped differently. I just figured it was the wrong time for everything. Thanks again!
TaraMaiden Posted December 10, 2011 Posted December 10, 2011 Examine my 'Caliguy' signature. Read it attentively, and refer to it often. It's all you need as a survival guide....
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